# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/1 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")
In another thread (I’m far too lazy to link), I referenced the Hetero Male Rule and Protocol book. That is, the rules of behavior if you want to retain your Hetero Male membership card. So what are the rules in this book? I’ll start you out: Rule #1: Tits is good. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/2 "2007-01-24T21:57:41Z")
Rule #2: see Rule #1. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/3 "2007-01-24T22:00:09Z")
Rule #3: Don’t touch other men except for handshakes and slapping their asses during a ball game. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/4 "2007-01-24T22:03:30Z")
Rule #4: Any offer of sex should be taken. At any time. Even on Sunday afternoons. This rule is null and void if the Steelers are playing. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/5 "2007-01-24T22:04:06Z")
[QUOTE=Seven] Rule #3: Don’t touch other men except for handshakes and slapping their asses during a ball game. [/QUOTE] I thought on special occasions, a one arm around the neck hug accompanied by no less than two but no more than four shoulder punches was allowed? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/6 "2007-01-24T22:04:16Z")
[QUOTE=Seven] Rule #3: Don’t touch other men except for handshakes and slapping their asses during a ball game. [/QUOTE] Rule #3a: The fist bump is now an acceptable replacement for a hug. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/7 "2007-01-24T22:05:11Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] I thought on special occasions, a one arm around the neck hug accompanied by no less than two but no more than four shoulder punches was allowed? [/QUOTE] That would be subsection A. Subsection B involves beer. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/8 "2007-01-24T23:06:50Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] That would be subsection A. Subsection B involves beer. [/QUOTE] I believe subsection B deals mainly with the permissibility of draping oneself over a male companion while intoxicated, and from a distance of two inches from his face saying, “I love you, man.” Also a reference to Chapters 4, 5 and 6, all of which deal with beer. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/9 "2007-01-24T23:10:24Z")
[QUOTE=Seven] Rule #3: Don’t touch other men except for handshakes and slapping their asses during a ball game. [/QUOTE] Rule#3, Corollary C: As a greeting, a bear hug is acceptable. (If it’s good enough for hardcore bikers, it’s good enough for me.) Corollary D: As a celebration, chest bumps, high fives, and forearm bumps are approved. Rule#5, Do not call another man “baby” without raising the volume of your voice. Rule#6, (a major revision) A man may proclaim that he doesn’t know how to cook, but a man may rightly cook, even indoors, and like it. Feminist chicks dig it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/10 "2007-01-24T23:27:34Z")
[QUOTE=Seven] Rule #3: Don’t touch other men except for handshakes and slapping their asses during a ball game. [/QUOTE] Rule # 3e : Or demonstrating hand to hand combat techniques or past exploits; “This is how you take a man down to the ground if he has a knife.” \< thud \> “Now, if I pulled your arm back all the way, I’d break it.” My brother does that sort of thing _all_ the time. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/11 "2007-01-24T23:31:29Z")
Ooh, my husband has a bunch of these - straight guys don’t dance with their hands above their heads. Straight guys don’t eat quiche (I think that’s just his own, because he hates eggs). The only movie straight guys are only allowed to cry openly at is “Brian’s Song.” I’ll ask him for some more when he gets home. ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/12 "2007-01-24T23:47:35Z")
I believe there are some addendum’s relating to Rule #4 above which allow for the substitution of other sports franchises as long as A. The team/sport in question is IN season and B. It is recognized as Your team by other guys. Your team being defined as a team (or teams) of which you are a regular supporter of as evidenced by season tickets, licensed/unlicensed merchandise, paraphernalia, and/or tattoos. This includes both professional and collegiate teams, country-based/national teams such as a World Cup team or during the Olympics but may not include sports such as gymnastics, ice skating/dancing, synchronized swimming, beach volleyball, LPGA golf, WNBA basketball and other sports which are considered “Girls’ Sports.” Temporary exceptions can be made if the individual woman performing at the moment is a “hottie,” but the channel must be changed at the first opportunity or after no more than 5 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/13 "2007-01-24T23:48:01Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] Straight guys don’t eat quiche (I think that’s just his own, because he hates eggs). [/QUOTE] Maybe not; he might have gotten it from [Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche](http://www.amazon.com/Real-Men-Dont-Eat-Quiche/dp/0671448315). Just change “Real” to “Straight”. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2007, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/14 "2007-01-24T23:50:31Z")
Urinal Ettiquite: See Chapters 4, 8, and 12-32 incusive. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/15 "2007-01-25T01:06:57Z")
You’ve gotten this far and you don’t have a rule against any sexual activities with other men? ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/16 "2007-01-25T01:23:30Z")
I’d like to submit a rule change - touching another mans ass is _never_ ok. Actually, anywhere in that whole region is out. Quarterbacks get away with their hands-between-the-legs thing because they’re QB’s (but we still wonder about them, sometimes) Getting stuck with your ladies purse - hold at arms length with strap grasped firmly in one hand, like you’d hold a rabbit right before skinning it. Feminine hygiene products - these may be purchased now, as it’s a fair indication that the dude doing the buying is getting more action than someone not buying said product (although perhaps not for a week or so). Any attempt to hide them screams “I’m buying these for my mom or sister” Driving an economy car is ok as long as you have something to counter its effects - Calvin peeing on something, NRA sticker, NHRA sticker, etc. A mini-van better be obviously owned by a woman, or have excess chrome/flames/giant trailer hitch. “I could fix this, except these new cars are all computerized now” is the proper comment when staring at a non-functioning engine. It’s ok for a single guy to have a cat, as long as he claims it’s somehow the result of a previous or potential chick. Same goes for small and/or fluffy dogs. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/17 "2007-01-25T01:28:45Z")
[http://www.manlaws.com/fhm/index.html](http://www.manlaws.com/fhm/index.html) No man shall own a dog smaller than a football A man shall never put a lime or other fruit in a beer for any reason (I would stipulate that an exeption can be made for a Corona bottle while on a beach) ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/18 "2007-01-25T01:34:14Z")
The proper choice from the menu is always beef. Pork ribs are OK if beef ribs are unavailable. If there is no beef on the menu, then you’re in the wrong restaurant and must leave. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/19 "2007-01-25T01:43:27Z")
If your friend is, for any reason, distracted and a hot chick walks by, you must get his attention. Unless she smiles first. If your friend needs to open the hood of his car, you must go and take a look. A woman who brings beer deserves it all (except the last beer) ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/20 "2007-01-25T01:45:34Z")
Rule 14: All outdoor cooking must be done by a man. Rule 14A: It is not only acceptable, but expected for the woman to prepare the salad to go with said meal. Rule 14B: the exception to this rule is if the man is cooking for a smokin hot woman. He may then do all the cookin in expectation of sex later on. Rule 15: The cleanup responsibility of the man shall only extend to the grill. Rule 15A: See rule 14B [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=2)