# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/181 "2007-01-28T05:37:08Z")
[QUOTE=MadPansy64] BTW, Mac is more manly than Snap-on, which is more manly than Craftsman. For the record – I have Craftsman, and Makita, which is less manly than DeWalt – but I’m a girly girl. [/QUOTE] Forgive her boys, being a girl, she doesn’t know tools. It’s an X and Y chromosome thing. Only the proper combination understands tools. For automotive tools there is nothing more H-M than Snap-On. For cordless construction there is nothing more H-M than Dewalt. Rick who has Snap-On and Dewalt ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/182 "2007-01-28T06:17:21Z")
[QUOTE=Nunavut Boy] No H-M uses those bread clips that come with loaves of bread. They spin the bag around and tuck the loose end under. [/QUOTE] I used to use a pair of adjustable pliers to hold my bread bags shut ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/183 "2007-01-28T11:11:57Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] Anyone who uses words like _inamorata_ and _raison d’ete_, I gotta question his ability to post on this thread. (I’m just sayin’, you know) Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] Especially since the proper expression is _raison d’être_, which means “reason of being”. _Raison d’été_ would translate as “reason of summer”. And, as we all know, there is no reason to restrict cleavage to summer. Using a French expression may be suspect, when the actual English translation is short, simple, clear, and manly. But using it _wrong_ is worse. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/184 "2007-01-28T11:39:56Z")
Ok, H-M beer rule. Quantity rules. That’s it. Quitcherbitching or I might think you’re not a H-M. It is \*permissable \* to want a “real” beer versus “piss water” and the corallary which is “Fucking Heineken, PBR college boy” also works. Just don’t run out of the hops and no whining. H-M are even allowed to brew their own beer and have strong opinions on the subject, but when da rubber hits the road as long as there is cold beer then life is good. I repeat, if there is an unlimited quantity of cold beer, \*\*\*any \*\* \* beer, no whining is allowed or you lose H-M status and do not go directly to go. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/185 "2007-01-28T11:55:43Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] Says a citizen of the only nation whose army hit the beaches of Normandy on bicycles. _BICYCLES_, fercryin out loud. There are damn few places where sporting goods are inappropriate, but brother, did you find one. I wonder how many of you never made it to shore because the curling stones in your packs weighed you down. [/QUOTE] The Canadians carried bicycles ashore at [Dieppe](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dieppe_Raid), not Normandy. HM may never drink Alcopops, Stollies, or Bacardi Breezers unless there is no other alcohol available. Even then, the true HM will decline, asking for a coffee, and say something about how their doctor has told them to cut back on the drinking if they value their liver. Any man who turns down a threesome will immediately have his HM status revoked. HM will have at least one amusing anecdote involving a bar in a foreign country, language difficulties, and either the local constabulary or a hot backpacker chick. HM must like porn, but is excused from maintaining a library of periodicals if he has a wife or live-in girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/186 "2007-01-28T21:12:06Z")
[QUOTE=msmith537] I used to use a pair of adjustable pliers to hold my bread bags shut [/QUOTE] If Vice-Grips are not available, Duct Tape will also work Duct Tape and WD-40 is all a H-M needs to fix _anything_, if it moves and it’s not supposed to, use Duct Tape, if it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40 if forced to wear cologne, H-M’s favorite scents are WD-40 and Hoppes #9 Nitro Solvent… ---
**Author:** ![JustAnotherGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/58f4c7/32.png) [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/187 "2007-01-28T21:37:28Z")
All of these discussions are great and all. But you guys have missed The Primal Hetero-Man Law[sup]TM[/sup]: 0[sup]th[/sup] Law: A real H-M shall show no signs of weakness. _Period._ End of story. All other discussions here have been either interpretation of or corollaries to The 0[sup]th[/sup] Law. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/188 "2007-01-28T22:24:53Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] If Vice-Grips are not available, Duct Tape will also work Duct Tape and WD-40 is all a H-M needs to fix _anything_, if it moves and it’s not supposed to, use Duct Tape, if it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40 [/QUOTE] Add bailing wire to that list, duct tape melts if you use it to hold up your exaust pipes. ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/189 "2007-01-29T01:19:00Z")
[QUOTE=mamboman] There are rules of cleavage conduct. Ch 11, para. 82 ss. 14 a-d \*Any action of any hetero man can be justified if said to be under the influenece of cleavage (car accidents, burning chops on BBQ, cutting off own thumb with hedge trimmer etc.) \*It is the solemn duty of any hetero man observing cleavage to notify any other hetero men in the vicintity of the visiblity of cleavage in such a manner that does not arouse the awareness of the cleavage provider \*All cleavage must be ranked and graded after inspection \*cleavage inspection is the right, perogative and an essential part of the _raison d’ete_ of any hetero man and no truly hetero man should be dissuaded from partaking in it, even by the iciest and most hostile looks from your current inamorata. mm [/QUOTE] Those of us who are “butt men” have a similar right to inspect any attractive backsides in the vicinity. If the woman in question is wearing a thong bikini, or anything with writing across the ass, then said right has been handed down on stone tablets by God Almighty, and we cannot be blamed for looking. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/190 "2007-01-29T02:12:47Z")
[QUOTE=Sgt Schwartz] Anyone who uses words like _inamorata_ and _raison d’ete_, I gotta question his ability to post on this thread. (I’m just sayin’, you know) Sgt Schwartz [/QUOTE] Hemingway used both those words. So it’s not impossible, just extremely unlikely. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/191 "2007-01-29T04:15:38Z")
It is acceptable for HM use gay insults (e.i. go suck cock). A gay follow up to a gay insult is unacceptable (e.i. well drop your pants then). A HM must be able to catch anything thrown at him. This protocol is rarely spoken of, but if a HM accidentally touches the privates of another HM, it is understood to be an accident and never spoken of again. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/192 "2007-01-29T04:41:13Z")
Ditto for accidental brushing of hands. ---
**Author:** ![Carnick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carnick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnick)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/193 "2007-01-29T10:47:03Z")
No cock in the ass. Unless you’re the giver. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/194 "2007-01-29T13:33:42Z")
_Un actitud muy latino_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/195 "2007-01-29T14:43:10Z")
[QUOTE=Martini Enfield] Any man who turns down a threesome will immediately have his HM status revoked. [/QUOTE] But not if it’s a two guys and a girl threesome, right? ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/196 "2007-01-29T15:04:25Z")
Throughout this thread we’ve had some examples of Hetero-Man. I think listing examples will help all to realize who is, and who is not, true H-M. This is not a complete list; only representative: **Hetero-Male** : - Elvis - John Wayne - Neil Armstrong - Frank Sinatra - Muhammad Ali - Nolan Ryan - Al Bundy - Fred Flintstone - Ralph Cramden - Ernest Hemingway - Van Gogh - Hank Williams Jr. **Not** Hetero-Male: - Frankie Valle - Alan Alda - Michael Jackson - Gérard Depardieu - Ben Affleck - Nathan Lane - Ann Coulter\* - Truman Capote - Andy Warhol - Garth Brooks - Jean Claude van Damme (name sounds French, and what H-M knows where Belgium really is?) - Ryan Seacrest \*Oh, c’mon, look at the size of that Adam’s apple ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/197 "2007-01-29T15:18:41Z")
[QUOTE=D\_Odds] **Not** Hetero-Male: […] - Michael Jackson […] [/QUOTE] Michael Jackson was male? Ever? ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/198 "2007-01-29T15:39:18Z")
[QUOTE=Sunspace] Michael Jackson was male? Ever? [/QUOTE] I’m old enough to remember him from the _Jackson 5_ variety show, back when he was a pre-teen. He wasn’t only male then; by all outward appearances, he was a normal human being. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/199 "2007-01-29T15:42:30Z")
[QUOTE=D\_Odds] **Not** Hetero-Male: - Michael Jackson [/QUOTE] WTF? [Michael Jackson](http://www.beerhunter.com/) is too! Traveling the world, drinking beer, writing books about drinking beer… Oh! You meant the other one, didn’t you? Yeah, that little freak is definitely not H-M ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2007, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/200 "2007-01-29T18:18:24Z")
Okay - as a guitarist, I must add: - There is nothing more HM musically than a Les Paul guitar through a Marshall Stack, with Fender Stratocasters coming in a close second (and Fender Telecasters as the true Working Man’s Plank) - If you want to raise your lighter to the song, you’re taking a risk with your HM, unless it’s Freebird (and if is “Lights” by Journey, just walk away - and I’m from SF!!) - If it involves synthesizers, walk away (note that this does NOT include electric piano and especially not Hammond B-3 Organs, which can rock like nobody’s business!!) - If it doesn’t sound good cranked and going well over 55mph in an open-top car, walk away. - We love Keith Richards, but don’t know what do with John Lennon (a real rocker and rude, but what’s up with Across the Universe, let alone Yoko?). Aerosmith, Guns n’ Roses and Southern Rock of any variety provide the foundation of music appreciation… - Disco sucks. However, in the spirit of “egg pie” (loving that, btw), “industrial” and some “techno” are more than okay… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=11)