# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/21 "2007-01-25T01:49:56Z")
When you get old, just drop the pretense of still being virile. If you need Viagra, it’s time to find a new hobby. Old men should do things like hide out in the wood shop or sit in the library and read while smoking a pipe. ---
**Author:** ![Phantom\_Dennis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/51bf81/32.png) [@Phantom\_Dennis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phantom_Dennis)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/22 "2007-01-25T02:15:59Z")
No Hetero Man should, under any circumstances, own anything pink. Flower patterns are verboten unless explicitely tropical (like Hawaiian shirts and such). Serious conversations about relationships, emotions, etc., are allowed, but only during states of significant intoxication, and only if the occasional joke is thrown in to let the other Hetero Man know you’re not taking anything too seriously. The perception of Heteroness must be constantly maintained: when around other Hetero Men, one should attempt to make at least one comment about the attractiveness of a member of the opposite sex per 30 minutes, or risk losing Hetero Cred. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/23 "2007-01-25T02:26:15Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Rule # 3e : Or demonstrating hand to hand combat techniques or past exploits; “This is how you take a man down to the ground if he has a knife.” \< thud \> “Now, if I pulled your arm back all the way, I’d break it.” My brother does that sort of thing _all_ the time. [/QUOTE] Rule#3f: Or when kicking ass, of course. Rule#Next-in-order: Ass kicking is authorized. Rule#Next-in-order(a): Ass kicking is required in the event that any man insults your mother, woman, or dog. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/24 "2007-01-25T02:35:54Z")
You boys are so silly. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/25 "2007-01-25T03:45:33Z")
[QUOTE=alice\_in\_wonderland] You boys are so silly. 🙂 [/QUOTE] We could do our own silly thread about the women rules and protocol. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/26 "2007-01-25T03:49:54Z")
Where do we stand on beer that _doesn’t_ taste like weak piss? ---
**Author:** ![Fritz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c57346/32.png) [@Fritz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fritz)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/27 "2007-01-25T03:55:24Z")
[QUOTE=alice\_in\_wonderland] You boys are so silly. 🙂 [/QUOTE] When in the presence of other men, such statements made by women must be countered with at least one “eye-roll” and mumbled negative comment. This must be witnessed by any other males present. Performing this outside of the woman’s view is acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/28 "2007-01-25T04:16:49Z")
[QUOTE=Liberal] Old men should do things like hide out in the wood shop or sit in the library and read while smoking a pipe. [/QUOTE] If I’m in the wood shop or library, how can I yell at those damn kids to get off my lawn? Hetero men must have a project somewhere around the house. The project must involve tons of research and the purchase of many specialized tools. If, by some miracle, we ever actually complete the project, we should be so pleased by the results that we immediately undertake a new project that’s 10 times bigger. ---
**Author:** ![Sharky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Sharky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sharky)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/29 "2007-01-25T05:11:56Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] Where do we stand on beer that _doesn’t_ taste like weak piss? [/QUOTE] Beer must come in a bottle that requires a bottle opener - if it has a screw-off cap it’s girlie beer. Extra points for popping the cap off without the opener. ---
**Author:** ![Phantom\_Dennis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/51bf81/32.png) [@Phantom\_Dennis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phantom_Dennis)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/30 "2007-01-25T05:21:58Z")
A Hetero Man is not finicky about beer. He likes it cold, and alcoholic. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/31 "2007-01-25T05:23:06Z")
[QUOTE=boytyperanma] You’ve gotten this far and you don’t have a rule against any sexual activities with other men? [/QUOTE] I think it was **RealityChuck** who claimed awhile ago that back circa 1920s, there were a lot more unmanly things you could do than sexx0r another man. He gave no cite. Real men don’t cite unless a money bet is involved. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/32 "2007-01-25T05:25:36Z")
[QUOTE=Phantom Dennis] A Hetero Man is not finicky about beer. He likes it cold, and alcoholic. [/QUOTE] A Hetero Man assumes all beer is alcoholic. Serving Hetero Man a non-alcoholic beer is grounds for an ass kicking. See above. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/33 "2007-01-25T05:27:34Z")
_Anything_ is potential grounds for an ass kicking. A Man’s Gotta Do What A Man’s Gotta Do. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/34 "2007-01-25T05:34:47Z")
[QUOTE=Phantom Dennis] A Hetero Man is not finicky about beer. He likes it cold, and alcoholic. [/QUOTE] Yup. Anyone that _turns down_ a twistoff beer and requests something that has more than two syllables in its name (like “Bud” or “Mic”) or, god forbid, any kind of fruit in it, should be given a Zima. On the other hand, requesting a Bud or Coors when offered a microbrew is perfectly acceptable, providing that you end up drinking whatever they have. Always have a method for opening a beer. Bottle opener on the keychain, Leatherman on the belt, screwdriver, table edge, etc. Anyone that serves a non-twistoff beer and does not have a bottle opener is not allowed to complain at the semi-circle chunks gouged out of their table. If you’re first in line at a stop light, and there is another car next to you (two or more lanes) you must race the person next to you. Racing to the speed limit is acceptable for men over 24 or anyone with children under 14 in the car. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/35 "2007-01-25T06:03:20Z")
Hetero Man must grunt appreciatively while inspecting any newly acquired weapon, vehicle, power tool, electronic device, sporting equipment, grill, dog or woman belonging to another Hetero Man. Then he must get a better one ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/36 "2007-01-25T07:04:11Z")
Waitwait, just to clarify, Bud and Coors are _more_ HeteroManly than microbrew? Go fig, I always thought it was the other way around. Like how solid, high-quality cars that fuck your shit up are HeteroManly (they still are, right? I’m all topsy-turvy now!)? Aren’t solid, high-quality beers that fuck your shit up better than ones that – aren’t? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/37 "2007-01-25T07:12:56Z")
For Hetero Man, quantity of beer is as important as quality. If only able bring a case of Bud or a sixer of something fancy, Hetero Man will opt for the case. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/38 "2007-01-25T07:24:12Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Rule #4: Any offer of sex should be taken. At any time. Even on Sunday afternoons. This rule is null and void if the Steelers are playing. [/QUOTE] Even if the offering woman says, “We’ll do it in a position where you can still see the tv”? ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/39 "2007-01-25T07:25:38Z")
[QUOTE=Oakminster] For Hetero Man, quantity of beer is as important as quality. If only able bring a case of Bud or a sixer of something fancy, Hetero Man will opt for the case. [/QUOTE] But hetero man may be a beer snob, just as long as he doesn’t get too.. well you know. [QUOTE=msmith537] I would stipulate that an exeption can be made for a Corona bottle while on a beach [/QUOTE] You may stipulate, but bear in mind that you may wind up stipulating a foot in your ass. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’, you know? > [@](#): > > Straight guys don’t eat quiche Well not if you call it that. Egg-pie, on the other hand, is delicious. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Universe\_Lashes\_Out](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@The\_Universe\_Lashes\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Universe_Lashes_Out)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/40 "2007-01-25T08:12:40Z")
[QUOTE=Rysdad] The proper choice from the menu is always beef. Pork ribs are OK if beef ribs are unavailable. If there is no beef on the menu, then you’re in the wrong restaurant and must leave. [/QUOTE] Is that what they teach you pansies up in Minnesota? I have never even heard the words “beef” and “ribs” attached like that. Where I come from, you just say “ribs” and it always means pork. And a pulled-pork sandwich is the food of the gods. I love a good steak as much as the next hetero guy (corollary: steaks must be served as close to raw as the law allows.) But the pig is where the truly manly meat comes from. I mean, can you possibly question the manliness of bacon? (Another corollary: there is nothing manlier than having a heart attack before your 60th birthday.) And pork chops? In the words of the manliest guys around, “Mmm… pork chops.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=3)