# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/41 "2007-01-25T08:45:11Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Rule # 3e : Or demonstrating hand to hand combat techniques or past exploits; “This is how you take a man down to the ground if he has a knife.” \< thud \> “Now, if I pulled your arm back all the way, I’d break it.” My brother does that sort of thing _all_ the time. [/QUOTE] Oh fuck. That’s funny. I know guys like that too. :smack: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sharky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Sharky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sharky)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/42 "2007-01-25T08:49:45Z")
[QUOTE=Phantom Dennis] A Hetero Man is not finicky about beer. He likes it cold, and alcoholic. [/QUOTE] Introduce the qualifier “nothing else available”, then yes, by all means go ahead and drink the Imitation Beer. 🆒 Hetero Man would pulverize anyone who offered him a Zima, however. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/43 "2007-01-25T09:35:29Z")
[QUOTE=Fritz] When in the presence of other men, such statements made by women must be countered with at least one “eye-roll” and mumbled negative comment. This must be witnessed by any other males present. Performing this outside of the woman’s view is acceptable. [/QUOTE] It’s also advisable to perform this outside of this woman’s view, lest I demonstrate the proper use of my Staff of Attitude Adjustment. I think that just about all males need to visit a hardware store at least once a week, possibly more often, even if they don’t really need anything from the store. It’s sort of like cats or dogs marking their territory. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/44 "2007-01-25T10:28:47Z")
[QUOTE=Lynn Bodoni] I think that just about all males need to visit a hardware store at least once a week, possibly more often, even if they don’t really need anything from the store. It’s sort of like cats or dogs marking their territory. [/QUOTE] Word. And this is almost the only kind of store where it is acceptable for a man to just visit and browse what’s on the shelves. For food, clothing, medicine, anything else, if you have to go to the shop then you get what’s needed and be gone. Tools, on the other hand, it is acceptable to mull over for quite an extended period. You may decide after due consideration that the MkXVIII Widget Wrench is only going to be useful once a decade and would probably only take up space in your toolshed for 99.9999% of its life, but if you don’t at least weigh up the pros and cons and take it off the shelf and fiddle with it, you’re probably on the slippery slope to a full body wax and a pair of eyebrow tweezers. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/45 "2007-01-25T14:04:16Z")
[QUOTE=Telperien] Even if the offering woman says, “We’ll do it in a position where you can still see the tv”? [/QUOTE] Addendum: A woman like that makes me feel all oogly and mushy inside, and I swoon and… Uh, I mean, fuck yeah, bitch. Addendume to Rule #1: Tits is good. Power tools is tits. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/46 "2007-01-25T14:24:23Z")
While gathered for sporting events, any trips to relieve one’s self must be announced just prior to departure, along with a reference to the urgency or expected mass. Use of the term “restroom” will be met with a two hour penalty shunning. One should go to all possible lengths to avoid calling a penis a penis. Most any other term will do. If you must, change the e to an a and hold it for four seconds, as in paaaaaaaaaaanus. An intimate knowledge of nail, screw and bolt applications is essential. Bonus points for the number of times one of them has punctured you. ---
**Author:** ![Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silence_of_the_clams)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/47 "2007-01-25T14:49:59Z")
Clothing: - a pair of shoes are not worn in unless they have been at least one trip in the trashcan - underwear and socks never wear out, they disintegrate Urinating: - shaking it more than three times when finished is considered jerking off ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/48 "2007-01-25T14:52:40Z")
1. Hetero men must at all times have one sports franchise that they are actively rooting on. - Men’s beach volleyball or tennis do not count. - Women’s beach volleyball or tennis count. 1. Hetero men should at all times maintain control of the TV remote. ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/49 "2007-01-25T14:59:15Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Rule # 3e : Or demonstrating hand to hand combat techniques or past exploits; “This is how you take a man down to the ground if he has a knife.” \< thud \> “Now, if I pulled your arm back all the way, I’d break it.” My brother does that sort of thing all the time. [/QUOTE] Wow. That sounds exactly like many, many evenings in the **Lissar** household. “So, if you _don’t_ expect to get cut in a knife fight, you’re delusional. Look, the point is to minimize damge. Like this.” ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/50 "2007-01-25T15:04:34Z")
What all this talk about pisswater beer being more manly? Real men drink real ale. As my SO campained for. Now admitedly he’s…well there’s no delicatly way to put this…English. And an acountent. But he’s aslo a Captian of Industry and a guy who does two chicks at one night (I know, I was one of them). So even if he’s pale and weedy I think he still counts. And he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Bud. Good beer or a stiff burbon. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/51 "2007-01-25T15:13:41Z")
[QUOTE=Sharky] Hetero Man would pulverize anyone who offered him a Zima, however. [/QUOTE] I don’t even know what a Zima is. 😃 It is perfectly acceptable for a Hetero Man to walk around with a finger that may have been fractured after all, and only realise something was wrong at a deeper level when the dull ache and restricted motion haven’t gone away after six days. Hetero Man must, however, not complain about it. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/52 "2007-01-25T15:24:37Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] We could do our own silly thread about the women rules and protocol. [/QUOTE] Please do so. and I could write an essay about the ways I don’t conform to it. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/53 "2007-01-25T15:28:40Z")
[QUOTE=HowieReynolds] (Another corollary: there is nothing manlier than having a heart attack before your 60th birthday.) And pork chops? In the words of the manliest guys around, “Mmm… pork chops.” [/QUOTE] Ah, yes, the Coronary Corollary. And don’t forget the Porkchop Corollary: Whenever served a porkchop, any man under 35 must immediately impersonate Peter Brady (badly) impersonating Humphrey Bogart, to the roll-eyes and loud sighs of any female diners present. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/54 "2007-01-25T15:33:27Z")
[QUOTE=Sunspace] I don’t even know what a Zima is. 😃 [/QUOTE] Oh come now. HeteroMan knows what a Zima is. It’s what that girl he dated for two weeks always ordered. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/55 "2007-01-25T15:37:57Z")
Addendum to the beef/pork rule: If chicken is prepared in such a way that it contains more fat and cholesterol than beef, it is acceptable as a food. In late November, turkey is acceptable, so long as it’s swimming in gravy. It is imperative to stick one’s hand down one’s pants during the subsequent nap. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/56 "2007-01-25T16:15:55Z")
Power tools are a neccecary component of the H-M’s arsenal, the more power tools the better, if they’re _cordless_ they’re worth more Man Points a H-M must have access to a piece of diesel power equipment, truck, tractor, construction equipment, car, whatever, diesels are cool all H-M should own at least _one_ firearm and be proficient with it, the amount of Man Points assigned to a firearm are based on it’s caliber, biggest scorers are 12-gauge shotguns, 30-06 and 30-30 rifles, and any handgun with a caliber of .38 Special or above, .22’s are neutral, as they are useful for target practice and skill building, but any Man wishing to retain his H-M standing when using a .22 _MUST_ also have a more powerful firearm accessable, .50 caliber rifles are overcompensation, pellet guns have _NEGATIVE_ Man Points, however the Minigun is the epitome of Man Points a H-M must go out to his vehicle, start the engine, pop the hood, and stare appreciatively at the engine for no reason appropriate hobbies for H-M are knife collecting, target shooting , model rocketry, off road motorcycling, and performance modifying their vehicle (basically anything requiring explosives or sharp, pointy bits of steel) a H-M’s vehicle _CANNOT_ have any useless cosmetic mods (spoiler wing, fart-can exhaust, carbon fiber trim, useless body kits, etc…) _unless_ said vehicle _also_ has the required _performance_ modifications (Turbo, bore-and-port, agressive camshafts, etc…) a true H-M vehicle has no cosmetic mods whatsoever and is a “Sleeper” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/57 "2007-01-25T16:18:36Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] Power tools are a neccecary component of the H-M’s arsenal, the more power tools the better, if they’re _cordless_ they’re worth more Man Points a H-M must have access to a piece of diesel power equipment, truck, tractor, construction equipment, car, whatever, diesels are cool all H-M should own at least _one_ firearm and be proficient with it, the amount of Man Points assigned to a firearm are based on it’s caliber, biggest scorers are 12-gauge shotguns, 30-06 and 30-30 rifles, and any handgun with a caliber of .38 Special or above, .22’s are neutral, as they are useful for target practice and skill building, but any Man wishing to retain his H-M standing when using a .22 _MUST_ also have a more powerful firearm accessable, .50 caliber rifles are overcompensation, pellet guns have _NEGATIVE_ Man Points, however the Minigun is the epitome of Man Points a H-M must go out to his vehicle, start the engine, pop the hood, and stare appreciatively at the engine for no reason appropriate hobbies for H-M are knife collecting, target shooting , model rocketry, off road motorcycling, and performance modifying their vehicle (basically anything requiring explosives or sharp, pointy bits of steel) a H-M’s vehicle _CANNOT_ have any useless cosmetic mods (spoiler wing, fart-can exhaust, carbon fiber trim, useless body kits, etc…) _unless_ said vehicle _also_ has the required _performance_ modifications (Turbo, bore-and-port, agressive camshafts, etc…) a true H-M vehicle has no cosmetic mods whatsoever and is a “Sleeper” [/QUOTE] one other thing…men don’t have periods ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/58 "2007-01-25T16:20:37Z")
Bah, punctuation is for wimps! (commas, parentheses and exclamation points are exceptions 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/59 "2007-01-25T16:32:33Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] one other thing…men don’t have periods [/QUOTE] By definition [QUOTE=Sunspace] It is perfectly acceptable for a Hetero Man to walk around with a finger that may have been fractured after all, and only realise something was wrong at a deeper level when the dull ache and restricted motion haven’t gone away after six days. Hetero Man must, however, not complain about it. [/QUOTE] Acceptable? Normal. The only time H-M goes to the ER is if he’s sufficiently weakened that his woman can get him there or in the back of an ambulance. Gaping wounds that allow one to see the bone are taken care of with another beer, and maybe calling a buddy - “Dude, I can see my leg bone. Come over and bring more beer” ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/60 "2007-01-25T16:34:31Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] Power tools are a neccecary component of the H-M’s arsenal, the more power tools the better, if they’re _cordless_ they’re worth more Man Points. [/QUOTE] It is permissible for a Hetero Man to have kitchen appliances, provided that they are heavy, loud, and dangerous items that incorporate high-powered motors, a lot of solid metal, and a three-prong plug. Any appliance that does not have a three-prong plug. or uses nylon gearing, is insufficiently robust. These requirements, of course, place the appliances in the category of “power tools”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=4)