# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/61 "2007-01-25T16:42:24Z")
I’m thinking some of these H-M rules and protocols are United Statesian specific - a H-M host around these parts who only supplies wuss beers like Canadian and Coors is, well, he is not thought of kindly. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/62 "2007-01-25T16:48:50Z")
A man may not complain about the brand of free beer offerd. He may, however, complain about the temperature. A man, when clinking glasses (real men don’t know the proper name for it) after a toast, or for a cheers, must use the bottom of their bottle or glass. To use the top would allow the spit to touch, and that’s just like kissing. [QUOTE=featherlou] The only movie straight guys are only allowed to cry openly at is “Brian’s Song.” [/QUOTE] And about an hour into “The Crying Game” ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/63 "2007-01-25T16:48:59Z")
[QUOTE=betenoir] What all this talk about pisswater beer being more manly? Real men drink real ale. As my SO campained for. Now admitedly he’s…well there’s no delicatly way to put this…English. And an acountent. But he’s aslo a Captian of Industry and a guy who does two chicks at one night (I know, I was one of them). So even if he’s pale and weedy I think he still counts. And he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Bud. Good beer or a stiff burbon. [/QUOTE] Compare the two styles of ordering - “Ah my good man, might I have an Blackberry-Honey Wheat ale? Please be sure it’s served at the proper temperature and in a fluted glass.” vs. “Beer” It’s ok to bitch about American beer being like making love in a canoe, but holding out for some foo-foo microbrew is way too metro. Of course in other countries, drinking whatever comes out of the faucet is best. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/64 "2007-01-25T16:56:46Z")
Being English is OK. Being Irish or Scottish is probably better. But the Scots-Irish-Americans are without a doubt the manliest race ever to walk the earth. Even their women are more macho than the average man. (I know - I’ve been involved with a few of 'em.) ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/65 "2007-01-25T17:06:07Z")
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger] A man may not complain about the brand of free beer offerd. He may, however, complain about the temperature. [/QUOTE] He may, however, complain about Corona. ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/66 "2007-01-25T17:22:54Z")
If Fleet Farm doesn’t have it, you don’t need it. The correct response to “Do you want bacon/ham on that?” is yes. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/67 "2007-01-25T18:02:23Z")
the _ONLY_ three acceptable done-ness levels for steak are; Blue Rare Medium Rare (marginally acceptable, only if the other two aren’t an option) if a H-M wants beef jerky, he’ll bloody well _buy_ beef jerky, don’t ruin a perfectly good cut of meat by (over)cooking it a hammer is a perfectly good multipurpose tool, it’s not just for driving or pulling nails ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/68 "2007-01-25T18:19:38Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] the _ONLY_ three acceptable done-ness levels for steak are; Blue Rare Medium Rare (marginally acceptable, only if the other two aren’t an option) if a H-M wants beef jerky, he’ll bloody well _buy_ beef jerky, don’t ruin a perfectly good cut of meat by (over)cooking it [/QUOTE] The exception being streetmeat, although that meat corresponds only to values of “steak” that fall well outside the second standard deviation. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/69 "2007-01-25T18:58:28Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] Oh come now. HeteroMan knows what a Zima is. It’s what that girl he dated for two weeks always ordered. [/QUOTE] We have to be fair here. **Sunspace** is in Toronto. Zima has never come to Canada, because hetero Canadian men won’t allow it. Thus **Sunspace** is unlikely to have encountered it. The Canadian equivalents would be things like Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Breezers, or any of the Wildberry family of coolers, if that crap still exists. Unfortunately, because these things are also made here, we can’t stop them at the border. Some from the “Communication” part of the _Hetero Male Rulebook_: **Rule 462:** Generally, the Hetero Guy communicates best when the topic is (in no particular order) sports, cars, beer, or women. Any women trying to address the Hetero Guy would do well to couch their wishes in these terms: “You know, for Valentine’s Day, it would be so romantic to get a dozen long-stemmed red roses from you, but delivered by Brett Favre in a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500.” **Rule 462 (a):** The Hetero Guy says what’s on his mind. “The [team name] sucks!” can be asserted by the Hetero Guy without a cite or a reason, although he reserves the right to supply one if he likes. **Rule 462 (b):** Notwithstanding Rule 462 (a), the Hetero Guy does not have to be clear when he speaks, thus care must always be taken by women or non-hetero guys when listening to the Hetero Guy, since misunderstandings can and do occur. For example, when the Hetero Guy says, “I dropped the tranny,” he rarely means that he punched a transvestite. It is more likely that he took the transmission out of his car. Similarly, the Hetero Guy in a crowded bar who asks, “Where’s my Bud?” is looking for either his friend or his beer. Or both. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/70 "2007-01-25T19:15:33Z")
Wow, I’m surprised no one’s bitched about this thread yet. Mr. Olives insists: “There are no such colors as salmon, mauve, puce, apple, or periwinkle. There are red, green, blue, purple, orange, brown, yellow, and black. Anything else is female propaganda.” (He also insists fabrics like chiffon, tulle, organdy, etc are figments of female imagination.) ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/71 "2007-01-25T19:23:13Z")
[QUOTE=Spoons] We have to be fair here. **Sunspace** is in Toronto. Zima has never come to Canada, because hetero Canadian men won’t allow it. Thus **Sunspace** is unlikely to have encountered it. The Canadian equivalents would be things like Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Breezers, or any of the Wildberry family of coolers, if that crap still exists. Unfortunately, because these things are also made here, we can’t stop them at the border. [/QUOTE] I wish I’d been there when you turned back the Zima, though. I shall think myself accursed I was not here, and hold my manhood cheap whilst any speaks, that fought upon taht day! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/72 "2007-01-25T19:36:01Z")
[QUOTE=saoirse] I shall think myself accursed I was not here, and hold my manhood cheap whilst any speaks, that fought upon taht day! [/QUOTE] Ah, the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s _Henry V_ (IV iii 20-67). If the Hetero Guy has to have a favourite Shakespeare play, this has got to be it. Drinking, carousing, fighting… no _Midsummer Night’s Dream_ or _Much Ado About Nothing_ lovey-dovey stuff here. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/73 "2007-01-25T19:43:31Z")
[QUOTE=Spoons] Ah, the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s _Henry V_ (IV iii 20-67). If the Hetero Guy has to have a favourite Shakespeare play, this has got to be it. Drinking, carousing, fighting… no _Midsummer Night’s Dream_ or _Much Ado About Nothing_ lovey-dovey stuff here. [/QUOTE] And in modern or 19th century costuming. No tights. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/74 "2007-01-25T21:03:13Z")
Hetero Male’s kitchen equipment shall consist of the following: One frying pan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One saucepan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One large pot, preferably cheap aluminum, for cooking pasta One lid that’ll go with something, maybe One collander or other straining device One can opener (non-electric, for god’s sake) and one of the other kind of can opener that gets a good grip on beer caps One turner, or spatula, or whatever you call them. You know, for flipping things. One large plastic spoon One serated steak knife (performs any and all knifely duties) [Utensils should be metal to cause maximum damage to the Teflon, except for the above-mentioned spoon, because metal spoons are gay] One zap, stinky One stove/range, but don’t use the the stove part because that’s what the zap is for. No cutting boards. Use the counter, or the table, or a plate if you’re finicky No baking supplies of any kind No toasters, but toaster ovens are okay because you can heat anything in them Avoid whenever possible those gay-ass Oxo utensils, although it’s getting harder to do so all the time If you must, a coffee maker is okay (but why don’t you go to McD’s or Starbucks, for Chrissakes). But teapots, sheeeeit. Finally, all 3 plates and both bowls must be plastic. Eating utensils should have been stolen from your college cafeteria 10, 20, 30 years ago. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/75 "2007-01-25T21:25:36Z")
**kelly5078** , that’s a little scary. And please get the hell out of my kitchen. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/76 "2007-01-25T21:31:11Z")
I have a metal spoon. But I bought it at Canadian Tire 😃 (Canadian Tire is the canonical Hetero Man store in Canada: sporting goods (including bows and guns), hardware, power tools, and car parts. When you enter, the first thing you smell is tires.) (HeteroMan! I sense another superhero…) ---
**Author:** ![Cemetery\_Savior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Cemetery\_Savior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cemetery_Savior)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/77 "2007-01-25T21:51:27Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] Power tools are a neccecary component of the H-M’s arsenal, the more power tools the better, if they’re _cordless_ they’re worth more Man Points [/QUOTE] And if they’re hooked up to an air compressor, they’re worth double! Rule: If there is a row of urinals, and a guy is already using one, you have to use the furthest on available. And you can’t look at him. If you DO slip up and look at him, do not make eye contact! If you slip up and make eye contact, do NOT look at his wang. -Cem ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/78 "2007-01-25T21:57:35Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] Compare the two styles of ordering - “Ah my good man, might I have an Blackberry-Honey Wheat ale? Please be sure it’s served at the proper temperature and in a fluted glass.” [/QUOTE] Nope, you’d say “Pint of Broadside, mate” and if he asked you’d add “Straight glass”. If he didn’t know to keep and serve it at the proper temperature you wouldn’t be _drinking_ there. Huh, these seppoes like to think they can talk the talk, but the message just doesn’t get through… ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/79 "2007-01-25T22:09:06Z")
[QUOTE=kelly5078] Hetero Male’s kitchen equipment shall consist of the following: One frying pan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One saucepan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One large pot, preferably cheap aluminum, for cooking pasta One lid that’ll go with something, maybe One collander or other straining device One can opener (non-electric, for god’s sake) and one of the other kind of can opener that gets a good grip on beer caps One turner, or spatula, or whatever you call them. You know, for flipping things. One large plastic spoon One serated steak knife (performs any and all knifely duties) [Utensils should be metal to cause maximum damage to the Teflon, except for the above-mentioned spoon, because metal spoons are gay] One zap, stinky One stove/range, but don’t use the the stove part because that’s what the zap is for. No cutting boards. Use the counter, or the table, or a plate if you’re finicky No baking supplies of any kind No toasters, but toaster ovens are okay because you can heat anything in them Avoid whenever possible those gay-ass Oxo utensils, although it’s getting harder to do so all the time If you must, a coffee maker is okay (but why don’t you go to McD’s or Starbucks, for Chrissakes). But teapots, sheeeeit. Finally, all 3 plates and both bowls must be plastic. Eating utensils should have been stolen from your college cafeteria 10, 20, 30 years ago. [/QUOTE] Well, I’m out. I guess I’ll go break the news to Mrs. Nerd. Hope she doesn’t take it too hard. Maybe I’ll make her a nice quiche to ease the pain. ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/80 "2007-01-25T22:09:08Z")
Pizza must have meat, unless it is plain cheese. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=5)