# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/81 "2007-01-25T22:16:46Z")
Proper H-M cheese must be; A; so sharp it cuts your mouth B; pungent and stinky C; moldy D; salty thankfully, blue cheese and superextramegasharp Cheddars fit the bill nicely, stay away from the wimpy, wussy, soft “gormuet” cheeses like Brie and Monterey Jack “American Cheese” isn’t actually cheese, it’s a derivative of the petroleum distilling process no H-M _EVER_ voluntarily orders _anything_ Tofu based, the only thing Tofu is good for is filling in dents on the vehicle, or maybe as a ballistics gel substitiute, it certainly isn’t _edible_ it goes without saying that the most H-M repellent nonfood would be a Tofu Quiche… however, the _ultimate_ H-M food is Lobster, heck, any critter that looks like a giant bug, and requires the H-M to _kill it_ before serving is true Man food (bonus points are given if H-M makes “Help, Auntie Em!, Auntie Em!” cries appear to come from the Lobster as it’s lowered into the boiling pot, even more bonus points are awarded if the H-M _watches the lobster cook_) ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/82 "2007-01-25T22:36:27Z")
[QUOTE=kelly5078] and one of the other kind of can opener that gets a good grip on beer caps [/QUOTE] A hetero male calls that kind of bottle opener by its proper name - a Bic lighter. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/83 "2007-01-25T22:44:56Z")
All Hetero men must pee outside when in strange territory. A sign of marking, I’m thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/84 "2007-01-25T22:51:55Z")
[QUOTE=neutron star] A hetero male calls that kind of bottle opener by its proper name - a Bic lighter. [/QUOTE] Yeah, those cheap lighters are shite for popping bottle tops. It can be done… well, having a lighter blow up in your hand is pretty manly. [QUOTE=kelly5078] If you must, a coffee maker is okay (but why don’t you go to McD’s or Starbucks, for Chrissakes). But teapots, sheeeeit. [/QUOTE] Umm… real men go to Starbucks, **kelly**? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/85 "2007-01-25T22:59:48Z")
[QUOTE=Sunspace] I have a metal spoon. But I bought it at Canadian Tire 😃 (Canadian Tire is the canonical Hetero Man store in Canada: sporting goods (including bows and guns), hardware, power tools, and car parts. When you enter, the first thing you smell is tires.) [/QUOTE] Sorry fella, being Canadian automatically drops you on the H-M scale. Hetero Men live in big military-industrial complex countries like the USA. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/86 "2007-01-25T23:01:07Z")
[QUOTE=kelly5078] Hetero Male’s kitchen equipment shall consist of the following: One frying pan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One saucepan, cheap, (peeling) Teflon coated One large pot, preferably cheap aluminum, for cooking pasta One lid that’ll go with something, maybe [/quote] The exception to this is a man may have as many pots and pans as he wishes as long as they are cast fucking iron. The bigger and heavier the better. A 12" cast iron fry pan is much more HM to fry 2 eggs in than a dinkly little 8" cast iron fry pan. > [@](#): > > One serated steak knife (performs any and all knifely duties) Or at the man’s option, he instead may have all the knives he wants as long as they are Wusthoff, Heinkels or Global. These knives must have a minimum cost of $40 each. This price point elevates the knives into tools, and as we all know a real HM cannot have too many tools. > [@](#): > > If you must, a coffee maker is okay (but why don’t you go to McD’s or Starbucks, for Chrissakes). But teapots, sheeeeit. Real HM do not go to Starbucks. The only time a real HM will go into Starbucks is in pursuit of a woman that he hopes to bed. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/87 "2007-01-25T23:08:14Z")
[QUOTE=Rick] The exception to this is a man may have as many pots and pans as he wishes as long as they are cast fucking iron. The bigger and heavier the better. [/QUOTE] And bonus points for buying your cast fucking iron at Ace fucking Hardware. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/88 "2007-01-25T23:12:26Z")
> [@Pygmy Rugger](#): > > Umm… real men go to Starbucks, kelly? I meant Buck’s. Buck’s Chicory and Dirt, with Steen’s Cane Syrup if you like it sweet. Okay, I was guessing. I don’t drink coffee. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/89 "2007-01-25T23:12:34Z")
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger] Yeah, those cheap lighters are shite for popping bottle tops. [/QUOTE] H-Ms who list their location as the U.S. aren’t allowed to use words like “shite” and “bottle tops.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/90 "2007-01-25T23:17:17Z")
Some rules we have not consulted yet: Rule 469 has been abolished. HM’s do not enjoy that postion. We cannot see the game on TV. Rule 183: A HM must have one of his hands down his pants at least once an hour. Front or back is fine, but there must be scratching involved. Rule 77: The true HM must be able to recite, from memory, at least one South Park scene. Rule 42: All true HM’s will have at least one visible scar and be prepared to tell the story of how it was acquired. Bonus points are awarded if the story begins with, “I was kind of drunk at the time…” Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/91 "2007-01-25T23:19:02Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] Proper H-M cheese must be; A; so sharp it cuts your mouth B; pungent and stinky C; moldy D; salty [/quote] you forgot “have that puke taste that stays in the back of your throat for hours.” It’s how H-Ms prove they aren’t afraid to eat puke without actually having to eat puke. > [@](#): > > “American Cheese” isn’t actually cheese, it’s a derivative of the petroleum distilling process …but it’s AMERICAN, dammit, so it’s good enough for ANY man! Especially 'cause it’s so melty on burgers 'n goes good with ice-cold piss beer! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/92 "2007-01-25T23:19:37Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] And bonus points for buying your cast fucking iron at Ace fucking Hardware. [/QUOTE] 😕 There is another place that sells cast iron? ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/93 "2007-01-25T23:25:24Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > Sorry fella, being Canadian automatically drops you on the H-M scale. Hetero Men live in big military-industrial complex countries like the USA. So you’re suggesting that a Canuck living in a 15-foot trailer on the outskirts of Churchill, with only bears and bear traps and a case of Moosehead to talk to, isn’t man enough for you? > [@Rick](#): > > Or at the man’s option, he instead may have all the knives he wants as long as they are Wusthoff, Heinkels or Global. WTF??? You’re describing my _wife’s_ knives. My wife’s don’t-put-them-in-the-dishwasher-or-you’ll-ruin-them knives. Screw that. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/94 "2007-01-25T23:33:17Z")
> [@Sgt Schwartz](#): > > Rule 183: A HM must have one of his hands down his pants at least once an hour. Front or back is fine, but there must be scratching involved. Or adjustment, in the case of the former. Adjustment through the pocket, which you think is surreptitious, but is really obvious from a football field [H-M standard measurement unit] away, is acceptable in work situations. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/95 "2007-01-25T23:34:25Z")
[QUOTE=Telperien] Even if the offering woman says, “We’ll do it in a position where you can still see the tv”? [/QUOTE] For a real manly man, _this question would not arise_. There would already be sufficient televisionage in the area. Also: > [@](#): > > the _ONLY_ three acceptable done-ness levels for steak are; > > Blue > Rare > Medium Rare (marginally acceptable, only if the other two aren’t an option) Medium rare? Are you kidding me? Real manly men go for Raw, Rare, or Burn The Shit Out Of It. None of this mamby-pamby concern over the inside temperature or color of the meat. If you can’t handle a little charcoal on your burgers, grab your bunny slippers and cucumber-slice eye covers and go back to the sauna. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2007, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/96 "2007-01-25T23:42:24Z")
[QUOTE=Rick] Or at the man’s option, he instead may have all the knives he wants as long as they are Wusthoff, Heinkels or Global. These knives must have a minimum cost of $40 each. This price point elevates the knives into tools, and as we all know a real HM cannot have too many tools. [/QUOTE] Other acceptable manufacturers are; Spyderco Ka-Bar Buck Kershaw Benchmade the good ol’ Ka-Bar USMC knife is very versatile, can be used in the kitchen _or_ the campsite a H-M _MUST_ possess at least _ONE_ ultra-sophisticated Unobtanium Übersteel (VG-10/H-1/154CM/S30V/ZDP-189 or equivalent) folding knife at all times…even if it’s only used for opening mail and boxes there’s a very simple reason that a H-M has multiple tools… Backups! ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/97 "2007-01-26T00:01:13Z")
[QUOTE=HowieReynolds] Is that what they teach you pansies up in Minnesota? I have never even heard the words “beef” and “ribs” attached like that. Where I come from, you just say “ribs” and it always means pork. And a pulled-pork sandwich is the food of the gods. I love a good steak as much as the next hetero guy (corollary: steaks must be served as close to raw as the law allows.) But the pig is where the truly manly meat comes from. I mean, can you possibly question the manliness of bacon? (Another corollary: there is nothing manlier than having a heart attack before your 60th birthday.) And pork chops? In the words of the manliest guys around, “Mmm… pork chops.” [/QUOTE] 1. You don’t go out and order bacon. You have that for breakfast. At home. One entire package. 2. I’ll allow that eating pork chops is acceptable–they’re particularly good as filler if a H-M is still hungry after consuming a 32-oz T-bone. 3. You _NEVER_ say “pulled pork” to another H-M unless you’re talking about what you caught your cousin doing in the can in junior high school. * * * Tattoos Manly tattoos are encouraged, but not mandatory. Carnivores, nekkid women, military service emblems, dragons, snakes, spiders, foreign script, devils, family members, and grotesque imagery are all acceptable. Unicorns, birdies, angels, flowers, kitties, or other cutesy images are not. (Exception made for hunting dogs.) Any H-M that wakes up with a pastel fairy tattooed on his ass after a hard night of 151-proof rum must remove it with a belt sander. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/98 "2007-01-26T00:04:55Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] I’m thinking some of these H-M rules and protocols are United Statesian specific - a H-M host around these parts who only supplies wuss beers like Canadian and Coors is, well, he is not thought of kindly. [/QUOTE] International Variants of the H-M Rules & Protocols are authorized for all countries except France. ---
**Author:** ![Caridwen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c89c15/32.png) [@Caridwen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caridwen)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/99 "2007-01-26T00:09:37Z")
Holy crap, my husband’s gay. > [@](#): > > If you can’t handle a little charcoal on your burgers, grab your bunny slippers and cucumber-slice eye covers and go back to the sauna. This made me laugh so hard. This whole thread is a riot. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2007, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/100 "2007-01-26T00:20:17Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] Proper H-M cheese must be; A; so sharp it cuts your mouth B; pungent and stinky C; moldy D; salty [/QUOTE] Sorry, no. 🙂 Proper H-M cheese must be: A: Artificially orange-colored, and each slice must be wrapped in plastic. That is all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=6)