# Hetero Male Rules and Protocol **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2007, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317 "2007-01-24T21:51:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![giant\_freakin\_marine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@giant\_freakin\_marine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/giant_freakin_marine)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/161 "2007-01-27T04:07:23Z")
think i figured it out awhile ago ---
**Author:** ![giant\_freakin\_marine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@giant\_freakin\_marine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/giant_freakin_marine)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/162 "2007-01-27T04:09:01Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] If your giant freakin’ Marine hasn’t figured it out by now, don’t drag me into it. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that you (and some other ladies and maybe even non-hetero men) disregard the prime directive - Don’t touch other dudes in a non-violent manner. So, although **MadPansy64** can outshoot and outdrink me, admitting to sleeping with men is an instant disqualification. Sorry, but I don’t make the rules. - she’s also my big sister, so anyone considering giving shit about this should recall the big-sister corollary to the tom-boy theorem. [/QUOTE] i’ll figure this out yet ---
**Author:** ![MadPansy64](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@MadPansy64](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadPansy64)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/163 "2007-01-27T04:20:45Z")
[QUOTE=Rick] I don’t put my Snap-On tools in the dishwasher either. Are you say that they are not manly? :dubious: You don’t ruin a fine tool by putting it in the dishwasher. [/QUOTE] Tools, no. Parts, yes. Cascade is great for removing veneer. Just run another (empty) cycle, and don’t let your non-car person wife catch you. BTW, Mac is more manly than Snap-on, which is more manly than Craftsman. For the record – I have Craftsman, and Makita, which is less manly than DeWalt – but I’m a girly girl. ---
**Author:** ![Dinaroozie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Dinaroozie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinaroozie)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/164 "2007-01-27T13:21:22Z")
> [@Lissla Lissar](#): > > “So, if you don’t expect to get cut in a knife fight, you’re delusional. Look, the point is to minimize damge. Like this.” Ahhhh shit, I said almost _that exact thing_ to someone only a few days ago. :o It was relevant to the conversation, I swear! Other than that, though, it looks like I have about as little in common with a hetero male as is possible without actually being gay and female. Anyway, I would like to add the following kitchen-oriented rules: - The most appropriate knife\* for a given task is always the largest one available. - The default temperature to cook anything at is ‘as high as the stove will go’. It is only allowable to cook anything at sub-maximal heat if things actually start to catch on fire. - If you ever have to wash the dishes, it is unacceptable to wear gloves, especially if the reason for doing so is to avoid damaging your skin. The water should still be as hot as possible, though. \*In this context, a knife can be any edged weapon - if a sword or machete is at hand, that’s probably your best bet. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/165 "2007-01-27T15:03:50Z")
[QUOTE=Dinaroozie] - If you ever have to wash the dishes, it is unacceptable to wear gloves, especially if the reason for doing so is to avoid damaging your skin. The water should still be as hot as possible, though. [/QUOTE] I can’t decide if I’m a girly-man or not for wearing gloves while chopping habaneros. Can I get a judges ruling on this? It was for a big ol’ pot of green chili, and the first time I chopped a large quantity of them my hands cracked and bleed for quite some time. Still, I’m afraid a real man would have just used a bigger knife ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/166 "2007-01-27T15:08:13Z")
To be a H-M (or M-M) is to see things in absolutes, black-and-whites, NO EXCEPTIONS. Men are about conflict and dominance first, and only then about resolution and sharing. ---
**Author:** ![ASAKMOTSD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/919ad9/32.png) [@ASAKMOTSD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASAKMOTSD)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/167 "2007-01-27T15:18:09Z")
[QUOTE=Rysdad] The proper choice from the menu is always beef. Pork ribs are OK if beef ribs are unavailable. If there is no beef on the menu, then you’re in the wrong restaurant and must leave. [/QUOTE] …unless said restaurant is Hooters. But we only go there because they have great wings… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![e-bow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@e-bow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/e-bow)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/168 "2007-01-27T16:00:13Z")
Man TV channels: ESPN, History Channel, Comedy Central, Discovery Channel, Spike TV ---
**Author:** ![notthatagain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@notthatagain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/notthatagain)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/169 "2007-01-27T16:39:39Z")
Rule #617: Two men urinating simultaneously shall NOT aim at the same target unless they are attempting to put out a fire, or drown a ferocious animal. Re-enacting light saber battles while peeing _may_ be acceptable in cases of extreme drunkenness. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Surb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Surb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Surb)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/170 "2007-01-27T16:53:33Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] I can’t decide if I’m a girly-man or not for wearing gloves while chopping habaneros. Can I get a judges ruling on this? It was for a big ol’ pot of green chili, and the first time I chopped a large quantity of them my hands cracked and bleed for quite some time. Still, I’m afraid a real man would have just used a bigger knife [/QUOTE] All men know that you gotta protect Big Jim and the Twins, even if doing so seems a little un-HM. And habanero juice does not wash off. It’s more un-manly to be seen doing the burning peepee dance. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/171 "2007-01-27T18:06:39Z")
[QUOTE=Manda JO] … 987.1 Never give away a victory, or throw a competitive situation. … [/QUOTE] I move to amend this one. When an H-M is playing pool on a challenge table against a gorgeous woman (not his date,) other H-Ms might offer to bribe him to lose, so they can continue to watch the woman bend over to make a shot. An H-M can honorably take the bribe and lose. It is even more manly to refuse the bribe and throw the game anyway. 😛 Even if a losing pool player sank only one ball, the winning H-M must shake the loser’s hand and say, “Nice game.” 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/172 "2007-01-27T18:33:43Z")
> [@Rysdad](#): > > …Tattoos > > Manly tattoos are encouraged, but not mandatory. Carnivores, nekkid women, military service emblems, dragons, snakes, spiders, foreign script, devils, family members, and grotesque imagery are all acceptable. > > Unicorns, birdies, angels, flowers, kitties, or other cutesy images are not. (Exception made for hunting dogs.)… I once knew a rambling hardcore biker named Moose, rest his soul. He had the requisite Harley trademark tattoo, and a few crossed-out girlfriends’ names. He also had a spectacular, multicolored bird tattooed on one upper arm. I saw it one day when he wore a tank-top. I asked if it was a parrot. “No,” he laughed, “it’s my ten-inch cock!” ---
**Author:** ![mamboman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecb155/32.png) [@mamboman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mamboman)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/173 "2007-01-27T21:47:07Z")
There are rules of cleavage conduct. Ch 11, para. 82 ss. 14 a-d \*Any action of any hetero man can be justified if said to be under the influenece of cleavage (car accidents, burning chops on BBQ, cutting off own thumb with hedge trimmer etc.) \*It is the solemn duty of any hetero man observing cleavage to notify any other hetero men in the vicintity of the visiblity of cleavage in such a manner that does not arouse the awareness of the cleavage provider \*All cleavage must be ranked and graded after inspection \*cleavage inspection is the right, perogative and an essential part of the _raison d’ete_ of any hetero man and no truly hetero man should be dissuaded from partaking in it, even by the iciest and most hostile looks from your current inamorata. mm ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/174 "2007-01-27T22:18:02Z")
mmmm… cleavage… What were we talking about again? _THUNK_ Agghh_PecoDeFekaĵoDamninde_OgDammitIHit My^%$##\*&BrokenHandAgain! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2007, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/175 "2007-01-27T22:31:31Z")
[QUOTE=Charogne] ``` 1. Post #22 and no pink. Hm. This would eliminate Elvis (shirts) and Jack Johnson (Caddies). Prob'ly the two guys respectively who got laid more (exhibit A) than everybody in this thread combined, and who could beat the ass off everybody (exhibit B) in this thread combined. Ergo, pink -- utilized properly -- can be manly, Q.E. motherfuckin' D. ``` [/quote] They didn’t wear pink. They wore “light red”. ---
**Author:** ![Nunavut\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e95f7d/32.png) [@Nunavut\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nunavut_Boy)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/176 "2007-01-28T02:05:27Z")
No H-M uses those bread clips that come with loaves of bread. They spin the bag around and tuck the loose end under. Real H-Ms recognize two types of bread: white and brown. Any brown bread which contains little bits of seeds or long fancy names are eaten only under duress. Rye bread and white Wonderbread are the only acceptable HM breads. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/177 "2007-01-28T03:17:06Z")
[QUOTE=Nunavut Boy] Any brown bread which contains little bits of seeds or long fancy names are eaten only under duress. Rye bread and white Wonderbread are the only acceptable HM breads. [/QUOTE] Rye bread, by definition, contains rye seeds. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/178 "2007-01-28T03:24:32Z")
[QUOTE=mamboman] There are rules of cleavage conduct. Ch 11, para. 82 ss. 14 a-d \*Any action of any hetero man can be justified if said to be under the influenece of cleavage (car accidents, burning chops on BBQ, cutting off own thumb with hedge trimmer etc.) \*It is the solemn duty of any hetero man observing cleavage to notify any other hetero men in the vicintity of the visiblity of cleavage in such a manner that does not arouse the awareness of the cleavage provider \*All cleavage must be ranked and graded after inspection \*cleavage inspection is the right, perogative and an essential part of the _raison d’ete_ of any hetero man and no truly hetero man should be dissuaded from partaking in it, even by the iciest and most hostile looks from your current inamorata. mm [/QUOTE] Anyone who uses words like _inamorata_ and _raison d’ete_, I gotta question his ability to post on this thread. (I’m just sayin’, you know) Sgt Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Thalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f475e1/32.png) [@Thalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thalion)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/179 "2007-01-28T05:07:57Z")
From _Married . . . with Children_, **The Nine Commandments of Real Men** 1. It’s okay to call hooters “knockers” and sometimes “snack trays.” 2. It is wrong to be French. 3. It’s okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder. 4. Lawyers: see rule three. 5. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes. 6. Everyone should car pool but me. 7. Bring back the word “stewardesses” 8. Synchronized Swimming is not a sport. 9. Mudwrestling is a sport. ---
**Author:** ![Thalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f475e1/32.png) [@Thalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thalion)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2007, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317/180 "2007-01-28T05:09:38Z")
Another: a true true H-M is disappointed if a wound does not result in a visible scar. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hetero-male-rules-and-protocol/389317.md?page=10)