# Hey EVERYBODY! Naughty love letters from Cheffie **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 7, 2000, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503 "2000-04-07T19:48:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/41 "2000-04-10T15:24:00Z")
Neuro-trash Grrrl…I love the growly way my voice sounds when I roll the r’s in your name. We are at the Muncie, Indiana Straight Dope Festival, along with the largest group of Dopers assembled in one place since Woodstock. I walk into a bar and see you across the room, sitting alone at a table. I recognize you instantly. I walk over and say, “Mind if I join you?” Your gaze flickers across mine and instantly drops back to your drink. “Why would you want to do that?” you say. Glancing around, I notice a couple of people watching and wonder if you’ve already shot down a couple of suitors tonight. I tell you who I am and sit down uninvited. I say, “I love your screen name - it sounds like it has spikes all over it - but it’s kind of long; mind if I call you by your real name?” Still not looking up, you say, “It’s Christienne.” “lovely,” I reply. We talk for a bit about the parallels between Esprix & me and Abby & Ann Landers, and then with your usual disdain for social niceties, you flip your hair out of your face, fix me with a penetrating stare, and say, “Chef, what are you looking for out of this conversation?” “Two things, one of which I already got,” I reply. “What?” you say. “The first thing was to look you in the eye,” I say with a grin. A ghost of a smile briefly touches the corners of your mouth and disappears immediately. “What’s the second thing?” you say. I lean over and whisper in your ear, mindful of the people at nearby tables who are eavesdropping. You laugh incredulously, while I sit waiting for an answer with a crooked grin. Your laugh tapers off and you smile again, a real one this time. “Why the hell not?” you say, and lead me out of the bar. “What did he say to her?” asks a man at the table behind where you were sitting to his companion. “I think he said he wanted to serve her every physical whim this weekend, but it might have been something else,” she replies with a shrug. ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/42 "2000-04-10T15:49:00Z")
wow, wow, wow * * * \*\* _Sigh_. So many men, so few who can afford me \*\* _Original by Wally_ _I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it._ ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/43 "2000-04-11T05:19:00Z")
Mon Chère Nu Vo Da Da, J’ai besoin de vous parler. Mon coeur est cassé parce que vous m’avez oublié. Comment pourriez-vous oublier la nuit où nous avons rencontrée dans le bistro sur la Rive Gauche et sommes allée à votre maison avec l’équipe du football brésilienne? J’attendrai dans notre petite bistro et boirai des litres de plonk tout en se sentant désolé pour moi-même jusqu’à ce que vous acceptiez de coucher avec moi pour la nostalgie. (for a translation, copy and paste this into The BabelFish Translator at [this spot.](http://babel.altavista.com/translate.dyn) It won’t be perfect but you’ll get the idea.) ---
**Author:** ![Angkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@Angkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angkins)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/44 "2000-04-11T05:47:00Z")
:: gasp :: I think I love you… 😉 * * * Thanks for the smile this morning. How do you feel about doing someone you don’t know? Please, please, please (on my knees) please, please _~~ originally posted by GolfWidow_ ---
**Author:** ![Pixoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pixoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixoid)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/45 "2000-04-10T18:22:00Z")
Hey, Chef… **batting eyes** Get me cookin’? -Pix * * * My classes are optional. So is graduating. (Get your Sig by Wally today!) ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/46 "2000-04-10T18:53:00Z")
Dear Falcon on whose wings my heart soars, How tragic for us that we are connected yet separated by technology…I long to step through the glass and appear by your side. Slipping your blouse down off your shoulders, I admire the Celtic complexity of your tattoo, and fantasize that it is a magic talisman that transports us to a druidic grove of ancient yew trees, the packed earth within the grove marked with cabalistic earth-magic symbols. It is time to perform the most powerful of white-magic rituals to propitiate the gods of spring: sex magic. We drop our druid’s robes and reveal ourselves to each other as the chanting conjures up arabesques of eldritch energy, enfolding us and bringing us together with the intensity of a thunderclap. For ourselves and our people we perform the rite, our movements abetted by the power of the earth. At the ultimate moment a tiny quake rocks the grove. The power coruscates around us and then floods into the ground, radiating out in all directions. The crops will be bountiful. We fall apart and kneel, facing each other; I reach out to touch your face…but my fingers encounter only the glass of my monitor. I ache to touch you, darling…but then, perhaps I DO touch you. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/47 "2000-04-10T21:21:00Z")
😃 Hot damn! thanks cheffie 🙂 * * * – I have over 2000 posts, dammit! Show some respect. [http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg](http://fathom.org/opalcat/showmerespect.jpg) O p a l C a t [www.opalcat.com](http://www.opalcat.com) ---
**Author:** ![psycat90](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@psycat90](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psycat90)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/48 "2000-04-10T23:37:00Z")
Mrs. Chef is one hell of a lucky lady. 🙂 * * * Madness takes it’s toll… So does New Jersey. ---
**Author:** ![sinocent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@sinocent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinocent)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/49 "2000-04-10T23:51:00Z")
Chef Troy, Get Me Cookin’!! (and puhlease, no mushy stuff… TAKE ME!!) * * * **So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!** ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2000, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/50 "2000-04-10T23:53:00Z")
::Gag:: Gimmee a fistful of fifties and a drunk hooker and I’ll do just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/51 "2000-04-11T03:42:00Z")
~ OH CHEFFIE, I love when you fall down, each Saturday night on my TV, And Cheffie, everythime you take that fall, I wish that you were falling for, falling for me!~ * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/52 "2000-04-11T14:25:00Z")
Dear Purplebear, I didn’t need to see _9 1/2 Weeks_ to know that there’s a strong link between food and sex…I just need to think of you. Let me satisfy your desires. Perhaps a light beginning…I’ll bring a tray of bite-sized puff-pastry cups filled with shredded chicken tossed with pesto, sun-dried tomatoes and minced red onion. I’ll feed them to you one at a time; your lips graze my fingertips and you close your eyes with pleasure. Then it’s my turn to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation as you tenderly take my fingertips into your mouth to get the last of the pesto. As soon as you swallow, I’ll cup your face in my hands and kiss you hungrily. My fingers plunge into your hair and I feel one of your hands on the back of my neck. We break the kiss reluctantly and reach for strawberries and champagne. I select a berry and dunk it in the champagne, my eyes meeting yours across the top of my glass. I slowly raise the strawberry to my lips and lap droplets of champagne from its surface, then nibble on the end, holding your gaze…there’s no question what I mean to suggest by my actions. Choosing a larger strawberry from the silver bowl, you do the same. I wonder how long we can tease each other like this. I chose an entree that will keep in the oven for a while, just in case…shall we devour it, or each other, darling? Hungrily yours, Cheffie ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/53 "2000-04-11T14:50:00Z")
Democritus my unrequited love, All the other people in the straight dope chat room tell me not to torture myself, that you’re not really interested in men but like to tease them. They don’t understand the special bond we have. Sure, you frame the things you say in a jokey way to allow yourself a line of retreat if you lose your nerve, but we both really know what you want. Ever since I realized that the letters of your name can be rearranged to spell _SCROTUM DEI_ (ball-sac of the Gods), I knew you were trying to send me a message about yourself. Then I realized they also spell _M.R.I. SCOUTED_, showing me that you’ve examined your deepest desires as thoroughly as if with a magnetic resonance imager. Looking further, I saw _I COURT MEDS_; apparently you are turning to drugs to try to fight your desires. Then I saw _MICE OR STUD_, which I took to mean that you are wavering between bravely taking the plunge or fleeing with a squeak of fear. Finally, I saw _ICED TUMORS_…I must admit I’m not sure what you meant by that. Demo, honey, when you’re ready to quit hiding behind anagrams and face your craving for a hunka hunka burnin’ Chef, you know how to find me. _wink_ ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/54 "2000-04-11T16:08:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Shirley Ujest: > **Sign me up for some cooookin’ lessons, cheffie baby! :::::: :purrrrrrrr:::::::::::** Looks to me like what you really need are smiley lessons… 😃 Anyways… Dearest Shirley, Please don’t tear up this letter like you did the last five. You have to believe me when I say that I’m sorry about the smartass remark I made about the accidental smiley in your post. I never thought you’d take it so hard and refuse to see me. I’m sick with longing for you. How can you just cut me off after all the things we said (not to mention did) to each other? Think back to those early days in New Orleans when we met in that seedy little club with the drag-show production of _Caged Heat_. That first night down on the boardwalk below the Café du Monde, I was in an agony of indecision about whether to kiss you; my every nerve ending felt exposed and it seemed like I couldn’t breathe in any of the humid Crescent City air. Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer, and I lowered my lips to yours. With a whimper you crushed me to you and returned the kiss with a ferocity I couldn’t have anticipated. I’ll never forget the tiniest nuance of the frantic passion with which our hands explored each other’s bodies, or the look of raw lust we shared with each other before almost sprinting back to my hotel in the French Quarter. Your pale, creamy skin practically glowed in the light of that swollen N’awlins moon as my trembling fingers freed you from your clothing. Below the open window with its shutters flung wide, a street musician’s plaintive saxophone music wafted in on the soft, moist, jasmine-scented air. You can’t tell me you don’t still shiver when you recall the two hours we spent in that huge four-poster bed, oscillating from tenderness to violent passion and back again, exploring each other with hands and mouths, then entwining our bodies together and moving in time with the music. Now, Shirley, I ask you. Do you really want to throw away a memory like THAT over one smartass remark? Please forgive me. I’ll be waiting at Galatoire’s on the anniversary of the day we met in hopes that you’ll show up. Je t’aime, chere. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/55 "2000-04-11T18:14:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Satan: > \*\*…cook-me-not, thanks! > > After all, we wouldn’t want to get Drainy jealous… 😉 > \*\* But she could run the camcorder… Seriously, Satan, my designs on you do not go beyond Scrabble. Anyway, I have my hands full writing mash notes to the people who have requested them. I’m certainly not to include one uninvited. Which reminds me, here’s a list of people that haven’t asked for a note that I was hoping would want one: Ayesha Commander Fortune Zette CanadianSue Phouka ## Don’t you guys love me anymore? Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/56 "2000-04-11T19:09:00Z")
Cheffie, you must be a mind reader. Nawlins is one of my favorite cities.:::::swooon:::: And I forgive you for the smartass remark. After a letter like that, I can forgive anything. ::::walking on clouds::::: ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/57 "2000-04-11T19:27:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Chef Troy: > \*\*Dear Purplebear, > Let me satisfy your desires. > I’ll feed them to you one at a time; your lips graze my fingertips and you close your eyes with pleasure. Then it’s my turn to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation as you tenderly take my fingertips into your mouth to get the last of the pesto. > As soon as you swallow, I’ll cup your face in my hands and kiss you hungrily. > We break the kiss reluctantly and reach for strawberries and champagne. I select a berry and dunk it in the champagne, my eyes meeting yours across the top of my glass. I slowly raise the strawberry to my lips and lap droplets of champagne from its surface, then nibble on the end, holding your gaze… Choosing a larger strawberry from the silver bowl, you do the same. > …shall we devour it, or each other, darling? > > Hungrily yours, Cheffie\*\* :o Oh, my. Oh, Cheffie! My favorite parts of this amazingly erotic letter… \<'scuse me while I fan myself, hot in here all of a sudden!\> I love it!! ::swoon:: It was _well_ worth the weight, dear Cheffie… * * * You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming. Og Mandino That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.\ ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/58 "2000-04-11T19:30:00Z")
That’s what I get for having two conversations going at the same time. :o :o :o That _should_ say _ **wait** _. \ ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/59 "2000-04-11T20:04:00Z")
Am I too late to throw myself in your pan and ask you to turn up the heat on the skillet, cheffie? Better yet, put me in your crock pot and just let me simmer. Pretty please? 😃 * * * “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank “Mom, he’s a neo Nazi! He’s a doctor also? Well…” - WallyM7 ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2000, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503/60 "2000-04-11T20:28:00Z")
Cristi my sweet… Although we met under chaotic conditions (i.e., the “Guy Stuff” thread), I was immediately drawn to you. Despite the “last days of Pompeii” atmosphere surrounding us, I ignored the bedlam. I simply and quietly wanted you. I made fresh pork rinds for everyone to distract them and walked up to you. I introduced myself and tried not to appear too obviously smitten, but it was no good. You immediately saw through me and casually worked a mention of your husband into the conversation. Crushed, I left the thread (just before, it turns out, everyone was arrested). I thought for sure I’d never have the chance to romance you. Imagine my delight when I heard that your husband will be jumping off a bridge soon! I’ll be there at the funeral – you always look so sexy in black – and I’ll bring a casserole to the house afterward. One by one the mourners will leave and soon I’ll be alone with you. “I never thought he’d take it so hard when I went to the moon with a bunch of drunken reprobates and a hairless cat,” you’ll wail as I put my arm around you comfortingly. “What am I going to do without him?” “Funny you should ask,” I’ll reply. “I have a list of things right here.” Then I’ll do my level best to take you from mourning to moaning as quickly as possible. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-everybody-naughty-love-letters-from-cheffie/16503.md?page=4)