# "Hey there Fat Ass" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 16, 2005, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357 "2005-11-16T18:42:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/21 "2005-11-16T19:32:42Z")
It couldn’t hurt to mention to the guy, in a light manner, that that type of statement can be considered rude. Some folks are just oblivious to things like that. No need to “confront” him or talk to managers, fer Christ’s sake. Unless he seems to be purposely insulting, I can’t imagine why anybody would even suggest bringing management into the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/22 "2005-11-16T19:34:25Z")
What if I see somebody come into work with a cast on his leg. Can I say “Damn, what happened to your leg?” or is that just “rude” and “none of my business?” And regardless of what people say here, the reality is that there is no stigma at all attached to lecturing smokers in the workplace. No one gets their panties in a bind because somebody tells a smoker she should quit. ---
**Author:** ![Poonther](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Poonther](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poonther)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/23 "2005-11-16T19:35:16Z")
Put me down for this being in the overreacting category. I think **Ivylass** makes a great point about who has the problem here. If I were the manager and you reported this type of silly behavior to me, I’d snicker in your face. Maybe that’s why I’ll never be a manager. And for the love of Og…what the heck does gender have to do with anything here? _“NEVER MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT WHAT A FEMALE IS EATING.”_ What are you _1950’s woman_? Repeat this has nothing to do with gender! ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/24 "2005-11-16T19:35:45Z")
Well, you could always come back with: “Yeah, my fat ass needs those calories otherwise it starts shrinking” That way if he thinks you got a big ol butt he’ll get the hint, and if he thinks you got a good butt he’ll tell you so and put a dent in your body image problem. maybe. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/25 "2005-11-16T19:36:18Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > What if I see somebody come into work with a cast on his leg. Can I say “Damn, what happened to your leg?” or is that just “rude” and “none of my business?” No, of course not. On the one hand, you’re asking what happened. On the other, you are making a judgement on someone’s lifestyle choice. Yeesh, **Dio**. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/26 "2005-11-16T19:36:53Z")
Let’s remember, the guy in the OP did not comment on her weight or tell her what not to eat. All of the “rudeness” is being inferred from (IMO) a pretty innocuous and impersonal comment. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/27 "2005-11-16T19:38:32Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > No, of course not. On the one hand, you’re asking what happened. On the other, you are making a judgement on someone’s lifestyle choice. Yeesh, **Dio**. :smack: Expressing concern about a health condition is not the same as “being judgemental.” ---
**Author:** ![Mint\_Julep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bc79bd/32.png) [@Mint\_Julep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mint_Julep)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/28 "2005-11-16T19:45:47Z")
A) I have no intention of reporting this to a manager. I have not said that in a single post here. B) I am over it. I meant it more in jest than I implied. That is my fault. I should have 😉 in the first post. I do think he should not have said it though. Would he have imploded if he had kept that comment inside? Nah, I doubt it. So why point out to a svelte and sexy young thing, as I am…(working on the self esteem) that I am consuming alot of calories. I am very fit and he IS NOT, so I dont think he has any right, in the context of looking out for my good health? I stand by the fact that it is in poor taste to say that. But I did not mean to start a debate, or become the poster child for female insecurities. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/29 "2005-11-16T19:49:22Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > Expressing concern about a health condition is not the same as “being judgemental.” It is when, uninvited, you provide “advice” about what someone is consuming. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/30 "2005-11-16T19:50:08Z")
Unless you’re eating dog poo, or brains, or something along those lines, I don’t think food should ever be an opening gambit for conversation (unless you _like_ eating brains, in which “Mmm, that looks good!” would be perfectly appropriate. Zombies have etiquette, too, you know). Really. ---
**Author:** ![Mint\_Julep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bc79bd/32.png) [@Mint\_Julep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mint_Julep)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/31 "2005-11-16T19:51:00Z")
> [@Mint Julep](#): > > I did not confront him, because I was so stunned. > > And I swear this guy, it the nicest guy and would probably start crying if he knew how bad it hurt my feelings. > > And I think I would sound like a Giant Nutball Extrodinaire for getting so hurt by such a comment? Demonstrating, my outlook at this in above quote…Note: I recognize the “nutball” here is probably me and that it was sill for me to get hurt by the comment. I also acknowledge his harmless intentions and accept blame: Me: “I am really insecure and already have .2 oz of self esteem on a good day. I know it is sad to let others (I am sure, completely innocent) comments get to me, but they do. I have body image issues, even though I know I am not over weight.” ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/32 "2005-11-16T19:56:22Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > No, of course not. On the one hand, you’re asking what happened. On the other, you are making a judgement on someone’s lifestyle choice. Yeesh, **Dio**. :smack: Stating that something has a lot of calories is a value judgment? I’m of two minds re: the OP. On the one hand, yeah, commenting on people’s food choices is just asking for trouble. On the other, no one should have to walk on eggshells for fear of triggering issues that acquaintances might have. FWIW, someone I’m rather close to has dealt with honest-to-God, full-blown anorexia nervosa, and I think it’s pretty likely that she would say that the OP needs to work through her issues. So I don’t feel too bad about thinking the same. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/33 "2005-11-16T20:11:22Z")
Well, **Mint Julep** – hey, does this user name mean you always have minty fresh breath? But I digress … Anyway, **Minty** – can I call you **Minty**? Or is **Julie** better? On to what I was saying but haven’t said yet. Which is what I am about to say. Wait a minute. Let me start over. As a guy, I can conceive of a situation where I might look at a granola bar you are eating, and say, “Thats got a lot of calories”. I would never ever EVER NEVER mean “Hey there Fat Ass”. In fact, it would never enter my mind. If you were to “confront” me over it, I would be genuinely confused and have to get some clarification before I could understand what you were going on about. I can’t speak for your co-worker, but if I were to say such a thing, it would mean something like “I was looking at the nutrition labels of granola bars at the grocery store the other night and that particular brand that you are eating happens to be higher in calories than most of the others.” It would have no more personal meaning to you than “Hey, don’t you think it has been abnormally warm lately?” Anyway, hope that helps. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/34 "2005-11-16T20:20:04Z")
The other day a woman stuck her head in my cubicle to have this exchange with me: (I happened to be eating a baby carrot) Her: Oh, eating healthy, I see. Me: Uh, yeah. Her: So do you still eat soup at lunch every day? Me: Uh, most days. Her: I saw a picture of you the other day from when you first started working here. Boy, you were a lot thinner then! Me: Actually, I weigh about the same now as I did then. I gained a little after I started but I lost it again. My new-hire photo was taken as I was recovering from a near-fatal bout of viral pneumonia, so maybe that’s it. Her: Oh, well, you sure looked a lot thinner then. Especially in the face. Then she walked away. **WTF**?! She trots all the way over here from her department on the other side of the building to tell me I look fat and that’s she evidently very interested in my eating habits? I restrained myself from telling her that she is the least competent person in her department (which is true) and will just have to console myself with being smarter, 20 years younger, and making more money than her. **Mint Julep** , I’m telling you this to put your incident in a bit of perspective. No, I don’t think people should go around commenting about other folks’ food. I don’t drive by the smoking area at work and yell about cancer to the people there. It’s not my business unless they smoke where I’m trying to breathe. But I doubt the guy meant anything by it. It was just socially clumsy of him. One thing my husband always tells me is that men say exactly what they mean\*, so unless he specifically said, “hey, you’re going to get fat if you eat that”, he probably didn’t mean it that way. 🙂 \*I realize this is a generalization, but I find it’s usually true. ---
**Author:** ![Mint\_Julep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bc79bd/32.png) [@Mint\_Julep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mint_Julep)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/35 "2005-11-16T21:11:52Z")
**Ponder Stibbons** and **cbawlmer** I think yours is a valid point and most accurate in this situation. And again, I did not mean to imply that I was crushed my original post. I think it was a harmless comment made to a person who has issues. Not a personal attack. I just recently had a conversation with some girl pals, who agreed that sometimes things, like the comment I encountered, made them feel bad for a bit. I hope they, like me, got over it quick enough 🙂 I am not the kind of person that is quick to go off on someone, and I am really glad I didn’t. I dont think he meant anything mean at all in what he said. ---
**Author:** ![Sal\_Ammoniac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sal\_Ammoniac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sal_Ammoniac)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/36 "2005-11-16T21:49:29Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I agree that the OP is totally overreacting. There’s nothing rude about giving somebody some nutritional information about what they’re eating, especially when it comes to items that are falsely marketed as 'healthy" when they really aren’t. It sounds to me like just a friendly heads up. Except that the friendly heads-up pissed off the OP, and would have pissed off a fair number of people. Absolutely it’s rude to give somebody nutritional information about what they’re eating. Either you’re making an out-loud value judgment about what they’re eating, or you’re saying they’re too ignorant to know what they’re eating. Miss Manners would cook you in boiled lead for that. Maybe the OP is oversensitive, but it’s just good social sense to \*assume \* people are oversensitive, particularly about issues we all know to be hot-button issues – race, politics, religion and body size, to name just a handful. I’m not going to say the OP’s coworker was being a jerk on purpose, but that’s not to let him off the hook for a serious want of tact. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/37 "2005-11-16T22:00:42Z")
As others have said, I seriously doubt that your coworker was trying to be malicious. You admit that you are the one with self esteem issues, so you should also recognize that it is silly to expect everyone to a: know that and b: tread softly around you. I would strongly suggest against contacting a manager or HR. It was an innocent, although thoughtless, comment. I wouldn’t even confront him about it. Now, if he says some more stuff, you might want to calmly explain that you appreciate the advice, but you’ve got things handled. Just chalk it up to someone who wasn’t thinking. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/38 "2005-11-16T22:57:34Z")
If it makes you feel any better Mint Julep, it goes both ways. I have managed to lose 33 lbs in the last several months (I have many, many more pounds to lose before I will be a lean, healthy person, but I digress), and as soon as people in my office figured out that I was attempting to watch what I eat I had more than one person bring me chips, ice cream, cake and things and get offended when I refused. I actually had one woman say to me, “If you don’t eat this cake you will just want cake all day and you will go home, gorge, and eat an entire cake this evening, so why not just have cake now?” People don’t understand what they say and the effect it will have on the person they are speaking to. I just chalk it up to people being afraid that I will be so sexy they will have to look away to avoid damage to their vision. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/39 "2005-11-16T23:14:27Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I agree that the OP is totally overreacting. There’s nothing rude about giving somebody some nutritional information about what they’re eating, especially when it comes to items that are falsely marketed as 'healthy" when they really aren’t. It sounds to me like just a friendly heads up. > > I don’t understand why it’s considered so rude to comment on somebody’s weight anyway. I don’t mean name-calling or mocking, but expressing concern or interest or offering advice. Why are we all supposed to pretend that we don’t notice that fat people are fat? I don’t think that giving fat people dietary advice is any more rude than encouraging smokers to quit or (to make an analogy to the granola bar) telling them that “light” cigarettes are really no better than the regular ones. Thankfully, the nutrional information is handily printed right there on the package, thereby relieving you of your friendly advice duties. It’s rude to comment, especially negatively, on someones weight because it presumes they themselves are ignorant. Do you really think fat people don’t know they’re fat? Do you really believe they’ve missed all the messages that it’s unhealthy and are just waiting for someone to share the news? Do you presume they haven’t noticed they don’t fit into clothing at regular stores and must shop elsewhere? That they don’t own mirrors? Unless you’re their lover or doctor, it’s presumptuous and rude, and you’d be better off treading lightly even if you fit one of those categories. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357/40 "2005-11-17T04:12:41Z")
For what it’s worth, **Mint Julep** , if someone had come over to me and said that, while I don’t think I would have been hurt, I would have wondered why the hell he or she bothered to say that. As **Queen Tonya** aptly pointed out, the nutritional information is right there on the package. I agree that he probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I find people who give me un-asked-for advice and nutritional information extremely obnoxious. Perhaps they’re just awkward, but when people do that, especially when you don’t talk to them much on a personal level, it makes them sound either condescending and snotty (i.e., you’re eating wrong and here’s why) or just arrogant as hell (i.e., listen to all the useless shit I know! No, no - really - listen!). I think commenting on others’ food should be limited to a) letting people know if they’re going to eat something nasty that they wouldn’t want to eat (a fly, shit or something along those lines) or b) if you like what they’re eating, saying, “Wow! That smells fantastic.” If he does it again, maybe you should ask him how many calories are in his Big Mac. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hey-there-fat-ass/331357.md?page=3)