# Hi, Im new here \[meat the spammer\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 30, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077 "2010-06-30T15:46:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/21 "2010-06-30T17:42:39Z")
I think **Meat The Spammer** would be a helluva user name. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/22 "2010-06-30T17:59:25Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Jeez **Marley** , I can’t believe you banned her just because she was a blonde with large breasts, was wearing a flannel teddy and loves to crochet in her underwear. Horny nubile young women are frequent targets of persecution, both online and in real life. It’s bullshit. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/23 "2010-06-30T18:13:35Z")
Imagine, if you will, the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief: “They’re made out of meat.” “Meat?” “Meat. They’re made out of meat.” “Meat?” “There’s no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.” “That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.” “They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.” “So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.” “They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.” “That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.” “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they’re made out of meat.” “Maybe they’re like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage.” “Nope. They’re born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn’t take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?” “Spare me. Okay, maybe they’re only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside.” “Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They’re meat all the way through.” “No brain?” “Oh, there is a brain all right. It’s just that the brain is made out of meat!” “So… what does the thinking?” “You’re not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat.” “Thinking meat! You’re asking me to believe in thinking meat!” “Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?” “Omigod. You’re serious then. They’re made out of meat.” “Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they’ve been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years.” “So what does the meat have in mind?” “First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual.” “We’re supposed to talk to meat?” “That’s the idea. That’s the message they’re sending out by radio. ‘Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?’ That sort of thing.” “They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?” “Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat.” “I thought you just told me they used radio.” “They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.” “Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?” “Officially or unofficially?” “Both.” “Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing.” “I was hoping you would say that.” “It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?” “I agree one hundred percent. What’s there to say?” `Hello, meat. How’s it going?’ But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" “Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can’t live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact.” “So we just pretend there’s no one home in the universe.” “That’s it.” “Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You’re sure they won’t remember?” “They’ll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we’re just a dream to them.” “A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat’s dream.” “And we can mark this sector unoccupied.” “Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?” “Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again.” “They always come around.” “And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how utterly, cold this galaxy would be if one were all alone with no-one to talk to but meat.” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/24 "2010-06-30T18:18:48Z")
**Joe Frickin Friday** , that made keeping the thread open worthwhile. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/25 "2010-06-30T18:21:23Z")
Meat and meat…what is _meat_? ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/26 "2010-06-30T18:26:50Z")
darn I thought Johnny Cash was going to sing. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/27 "2010-06-30T18:32:42Z")
> [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > “They’re made out of meat.” You should cite the [source](http://baetzler.de/humor/meat_beings.html). ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/28 "2010-06-30T18:40:13Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > You should cite the [source](http://baetzler.de/humor/meat_beings.html). Quite right, sorry. It was something I found on the Usenet newsgroups about 15 years ago, unattributed, and I’ve had a copy on my hard drive ever since; I should have realized that Google would now be able to find an attributed version. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/29 "2010-06-30T19:34:48Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > loves to crochet in her underwear. Them’s some big underwear. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/30 "2010-06-30T19:37:20Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Huh, I thought my long-standing push to ban everyone from England had finally gone through. > > ::crosses fingers:: Less success than my long-standing push to ban everyone who thinks UK = England, apparently … > [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > Quite right, sorry. It was something I found on the Usenet newsgroups about 15 years ago, unattributed, and I’ve had a copy on my hard drive ever since; I should have realized that Google would now be able to find an attributed version. Hold on, Google has things in it written by _meat_? That’s just … eww. Who do we talk to about rectifying that? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/31 "2010-06-30T19:38:46Z")
> [@dhkendall](#): > > Hold on, Google has things in it written by _meat_? That’s just … eww. Who do we talk to about rectifying that? That’s who writes all the spam. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/32 "2010-06-30T19:42:05Z")
I’m starting to suspect some of YOU are meat. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/33 "2010-06-30T19:50:28Z")
> [@dhkendall](#): > > Less success than my long-standing push to ban everyone who thinks UK = England, apparently … Oh, she was English. You could just tell. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/34 "2010-06-30T21:16:22Z")
> [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > … > “That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.” > .. I believe in Sentient Meat. Isn’t that a poster here? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/35 "2010-06-30T21:42:40Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > You should cite the [source](http://baetzler.de/humor/meat_beings.html). Yup. Meat without source is kinda bland. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/36 "2010-06-30T23:15:41Z")
Sometimes **Marley** reminds me of my cat. He just likes to leave the little rodents alive just to toy with them for a while. “Look! [swat] I caught another spammer! [swat] Wanna play with it? [swat]” > [@kopek](#): > > Larry tink stupit zeeba moderater not got enuf beer? 🙂 Well _this_ zeeba moderator doesn’t have enough. > [@lieu](#): > > Jeez **Marley** , I can’t believe you banned her just because she was a blonde with large breasts, was wearing a flannel teddy and loves to crochet in her underwear. CAUTION: Placing crochet hooks in your underwear can be hazardous to the health and well-being of your private parts, and the SDMB does not condone or promote this behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/37 "2010-06-30T23:51:29Z")
[quote=“Gary “Wombat” Robson, post:36, topic:545077”] Sometimes **Marley** reminds me of my cat. He just likes to leave the little rodents alive just to toy with them for a while. “Look! [swat] I caught another spammer! [swat] Wanna play with it? [swat]” [/QUOTE] It’s no more than they deserve, really. And if he crunches their little heads and eats their little brains, then we’ll have ZOMBIE spammers. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/38 "2010-07-01T00:56:35Z")
> [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > Quite right, sorry. It was something I found on the Usenet newsgroups about 15 years ago, unattributed, and I’ve had a copy on my hard drive ever since; I should have realized that Google would now be able to find an attributed version. you can now [watch](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaFZTAOb7IE) it … ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/39 "2010-07-01T03:55:36Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > Also, didn’t “Im New Here” play in midfield for the North Korean soccer team? No, I think he played tackle in the XFL. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077/40 "2010-07-01T04:07:39Z")
Damn all the good puns are taken. Curse you, transformers reference! Ah well, the next time somebody needs a good meating, I’d better get in line early. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hi-im-new-here-meat-the-spammer/545077.md?page=3)