# High maintenance/low maintenance women--WHAT? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 17, 2011, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995 "2011-01-17T21:22:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/81 "2011-01-19T01:41:35Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Dammit! I thought we were going to get out of ONE thread without that damned Hitler showing up! I KNOW! Sometimes I think he’s in two places at once! ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/82 "2011-01-19T02:26:39Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I do often wonder, too, if it’s sometimes used to describe women who are either too transparent about their beauty and fitness regimen (eliminating some ‘feminine mystique’) , or who just don’t return someone’s affections. Women who need their extensions, eyeliner tattoos, fake nails and implants readjusted every week, in between gym sessions, electrolysis and specific fancy meals could be called high maintenance (even though they are making a ton of cash and paying for everything themselves)… but they’re attracting the guys (douches) who are in the gym and flashy restaurants right alongside them, who often want to prove their worth by taking their baby shopping or buying her drinks at a club. If anyone enters into a relationship with them shocked that hair doesn’t blowdry itself or that a certain look requires dieting and/or exercise, it’s hard to have a ton of sympathy. This just sounds like sour grapes. If a man gets rejected by a woman and he calls her a lesbian, that doesn’t change the actual meaning of the word “lesbian.” a high maintenance woman is a woman who makes the people around her work harder, like Meeyl Streep in that Prada movie. The fact that she herself might also work hard to maintain herself is incidental and not necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/83 "2011-01-19T02:34:56Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > IMO this term can refer to a lover or friend who is: > > a) clingy > b) excessively time-demanding > c) low on self-esteem / constantly seeking validation > d) a combination of the above I disagree with this list. I would go with: picky, demanding, difficult to please, constantly complaining, creating extra work for others, threatening to punish those who fail to meet their standards. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/84 "2011-01-19T03:07:53Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > This just sounds like sour grapes. If a man gets rejected by a woman and he calls her a lesbian, that doesn’t change the actual meaning of the word “lesbian.” a high maintenance woman is a woman who makes the people around her work harder, like Meeyl Streep in that Prada movie. The fact that she herself might also work hard to maintain herself is incidental and not necessary. Oh _Puh-lease_! You’ve gotta _want_ something to be rejected by it. I’ve seen some that, yeah, look good in as-presented condition, but I have _NO_ desire to pay for the staff, props, wardrobe, or headache to get her there. Life’s too short. ---
**Author:** ![conurepete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@conurepete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/conurepete)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/85 "2011-01-19T03:08:06Z")
To understand high maintenance, compete with my husband for time in front of bathroom mirror before work. I am not sure what it looks like in a woman. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/86 "2011-01-19T03:09:40Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > It’s entirely possible for one person to think you’re low maintenance and another to think you’re high maintenance even though you act the same towards both of them. > > It’s about how much perceived effort it takes to put up with your shit. Say you love to go dancing. If you’re with a guy who hates dancing, that makes you higher maintenance, because he constantly has to do shit that he hates to make you happy, and you’re all, “When are we going out daaaaancing?” and he’s all “Damn, I took her out dancing six months ago!”. If another guy likes dancing that makes you low maintenance, because you never complain when drags you out for an evening of high stepping. Same behavior on your part, yet one guy resents having to put up with it, and another guy thinks you’re easy to get along with. That’s not high maintenance. If the woman constantly harped on how you are dancing wrong and how her dress is out of wack and her shoes and hair are whatever. That’s high maintenance. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/87 "2011-01-19T14:03:33Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > IME I guess I am the only person here to hace only ever heard the expression used to describe women, and, while I think it’s apt for many of the people (or types) described here, like the OP says it is often used too broadly to be of any use. > (In light of the high maintenance friend thread going on right now somewhere else on the Dope, I’ll say that that is a judgment that takes a little more time, whereas I’ve heard guys declare a woman was ‘high maintenance’ upon looking her up and down.) You’re not the only one who has heard the phrase only to describe women; that’s sort of why I started this thread. I’ve never heard anyone call a man high maintenance. I’ve only heard it used by men to describe women. That and what you say in the last line above are why I determined it is sexist. The comments here have changed my mind **somewhat** about that. Contrary to what some people have ASSumed here, the idea for this thread popped into my head when my male friend/boyfriend called me “low maintenance” a few weeks ago. I honestly didn’t know what he meant by that and actually was insulted, because to me it meant that he could do whatever he wanted and I’d let it go without comment. The conversation during which it came up was my asking if he wanted to do something for New Year’s Eve. He then protested that one of the reasons he liked me so much was because I am “low maintenance,” but that asking him to do something on New Year’s Eve could mean that I was becoming “high maintenance.” Perhaps now you understand my confusion. \*We did end up going out for NYE at his insistence. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/88 "2011-01-19T14:04:45Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > That’s not high maintenance. If the woman constantly harped on how you are dancing wrong and how her dress is out of wack and her shoes and hair are whatever. That’s high maintenance. That’s not high maintenance, that’s a fucking bitch. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/89 "2011-01-19T14:55:17Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > The conversation during which it came up was my asking if he wanted to do something for New Year’s Eve. He then protested that one of the reasons he liked me so much was because I am “low maintenance,” but that asking him to do something on New Year’s Eve could mean that I was becoming “high maintenance.” > > Perhaps now you understand my confusion. > > \*We did end up going out for NYE at his insistence. Maybe I’m not really understanding the context here, but if it went down how I’m reading it, your guy is coming off as an ass. You ask if he wants to do something for NYE and he gets accusing (because OMIGOD how dare you ask him?) and then he insists you do something for NYE? That sounds like a ridiculous power struggle, honestly. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/90 "2011-01-19T15:07:58Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Maybe I’m not really understanding the context here, but if it went down how I’m reading it, your guy is coming off as an ass. > > You ask if he wants to do something for NYE and he gets accusing (because OMIGOD how dare you ask him?) and then he insists you do something for NYE? That sounds like a ridiculous power struggle, honestly. Yep. I agree. It’s not the ideal situation. But when I said he insisted, I meant that he was apologetic and said he really did want to do something if I still did. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/91 "2011-01-19T15:09:43Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > You’re not the only one who has heard the phrase only to describe women; that’s sort of why I started this thread. I’ve never heard anyone call a man high maintenance. I’ve used “high maintenance” for men in several situations. The most common one is that one guy in your group of friends who is a picky eater and won’t go along with the group unless it’s one of the four restaurants he likes. That’s high maintenance. Another example of a high maintenance dude is Vince Vaughan’s character in _The Break Up_. Vaughan is a Cubs fan and his best friend is a White Sox fan, but Vaughan will never go to a White Sox game with his friend unless they are playing against the Cubs; whereas, the friend always goes to Cubs games with Vaughan, regardless of whom they’re playing. He also refuses to ever take Jennifer Aniston to see the ballet, because he personally doesn’t believe he’ll enjoy the ballet, without taking into account that Aniston might enjoy it a lot. And I agree with JSGoddess. Your problem has nothing to do with whether “high maintenance” has a precise definition. Your male friend/boyfriend/whatever is trying to manipulate you by using a backhanded compliment. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/92 "2011-01-19T15:18:38Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > Yep. I agree. It’s not the ideal situation. But when I said he insisted, I meant that he was apologetic and said he really did want to do something if I still did. Okay, that definitely is better than what I originally thought! But I would agree with you that there seems to be an undercurrent of “Hey, if she has absolutely no desires of her own and no standards, that’s low maintenance. Awesome!” ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/93 "2011-01-19T16:06:08Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > That’s not high maintenance, that’s a fucking bitch. There is a strong correlation between being “high maintenance” and “being a fucking bitch”. A little bit of high maintenance is ok and can even be endearing. But when it starts to manifest itself as nothing is good enough, I need constant attention and validation, I don’t want you doing x y and x, then it’s like “bitch…enough!” ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/94 "2011-01-19T16:22:49Z")
Of course, like any descriptor, the term “high maintenance” can be misused. When used for evil, calling someone “high maintenance” can be code for “I’m not willing to put enough energy into this relationship to take my partner’s needs seriously.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/95 "2011-01-19T23:43:32Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > That’s not high maintenance, that’s a fucking bitch. Good point! I think the reason the expression irks me and possibly others is that it implies all women need maintaining in some way, whether it be a lot or a little. Like a shrub. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/96 "2011-01-19T23:49:46Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Good point! I think the reason the expression irks me and possibly others is that it implies all women need maintaining in some way, whether it be a lot or a little. Like a shrub. So you don’t need anything on Valentine’s Day? Nothing for your birthday? No dinners out or anything? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/97 "2011-01-20T01:07:48Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Good point! I think the reason the expression irks me and possibly others is that it implies all women need maintaining in some way, whether it be a lot or a little. Like a shrub. Well, we kinda do, just like men do. I’d go so far as to say that all _human_ relationships require _some_ maintenance. I like shrubs. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/98 "2011-01-20T02:36:27Z")
Sheesh. Go to 1:30 in this video of Piers Morgan interviewing Condolezza Rice. > **[Piers Morgan Asks Condi Rice If She "Dreams Of A Fairytale Wedding"](https://jezebel.com/piers-morgan-asks-condi-rice-if-she-dreams-of-a-fairyt-5738045)** > > We get "humanizing" questions. We get "human interest" questions. But then there are insulting questions that we can't imagine Piers would direct at, say, Warren Christopher. Questions like, "are you high-maintenance?" ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/99 "2011-01-20T03:04:14Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The most common one is that one guy in your group of friends who is a picky eater and won’t go along with the group unless it’s one of the four restaurants he likes. That’s high maintenance. Say what? The high-maintenance picky eater is the one who holds up the group in some way, whether that be during the process of deciding on the restaurant or when putting in orders. Just having picky tastes, in and of itself, is not necessarily high-maintenance. It’s all in how you handle it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995/100 "2011-01-20T03:18:36Z")
Refusing to go along is a way of holding everyone hostage. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/high-maintenance-low-maintenance-women-what/567995.md?page=6)