# Hilarious Product Instructions Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 2, 2002, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725 "2002-09-02T22:27:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/41 "2002-09-08T06:08:35Z")
May I direct y’all to: [http://www.engrish.com/index.html](http://www.engrish.com/index.html) Definitely not PC, but surely the funniest thing I have read in years. It’s a whole site full of badly-translated English from Japanese. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/42 "2002-09-08T08:28:34Z")
“WARNING: DO NOT PLACE ANYTHING IN TOLIET EXCEPT TOILET PAPER” Wow. Where do I crap? ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/43 "2002-09-08T11:35:11Z")
Daowajan… I’ve found a few new sigs from that list 🙂 So has my roommate only he’s going to use them for New Bremen. I still haven’t convinced him to join the insanity that is the SDMB ---
**Author:** ![h.sapiens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e0b2c6/32.png) [@h.sapiens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h.sapiens)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/44 "2002-09-08T15:22:02Z")
In my new car’s owners manual in the section about the battery: The electrolyte contains poisonous and corrosive sulfuric acid. Never ingest electrolyte. (ouch) ---
**Author:** ![Aquarius\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/91b2a8/32.png) [@Aquarius\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquarius_guy)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/45 "2002-09-08T20:54:47Z")
Reality cost too much here. I can take care of Little Aquarius Guy 36 times for the same cost of entering into reality only 3 times. I guess the moral of the story is that Reality is concerned about money where as my lil’ trojan soldiers just get the job done. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2002, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/46 "2002-09-08T23:50:42Z")
I once bought a frozen pizza, & the cooking instructions said: “Place Pizza on a metal trivet.” Trivet? Trivet? Trivet? :eek: 😕 😕 😕 ---
**Author:** ![rriggstx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@rriggstx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rriggstx)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2002, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/47 "2002-09-09T14:23:24Z")
Have you seen the instructions on chopsticks? Last step usually says something like “now you can pick up anything.” Really? How about that semi-tractor trailer out in the parking lot? What about the blonde with the big hair at the end of the counter? ---
**Author:** ![Siochain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Siochain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siochain)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2002, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/48 "2002-09-09T15:28:23Z")
Heheh, I work on a farm, and my favorite labels on some of the heavy machinery include wonders such as: “Avoid death” - well, heheheh, you think? :smack: “Warning: Moving parts may move” - whew…glad they told me “Caution: Becoming entrapped underneath tires may lead to severe injury/death. Avoid becoming entrapped underneath tires.” -ah, crap, where am I going to play now? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2002, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/49 "2002-09-09T18:05:06Z")
I’ve always wondered why they put instructions on Shampoo bottles. I mean, I can understand the “Shake Well” part of medicated shampoos, since the mixture can separate, but “Wet hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat?” Wouldn’t one expect that by the time someone is actually able to read the instructions on the bottle, that he’d know how to wash his hair? ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2002, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/50 "2002-09-10T06:04:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > **I heard that almost word-for-word in a Bill Engvall routine.** Bill Who?😕 ---
**Author:** ![Mike\_Hammer\_Hammond](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Mike\_Hammer\_Hammond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mike_Hammer_Hammond)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2002, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/51 "2002-09-10T16:19:50Z")
One of my prized possessions at university was a bag of generic air-pop popcorn kernels I picked up at the local supermarket. Printed on the back, helpfully all in capital letters, was “SORT PRODUCT BEFORE USING”. The one thing I’ve never been able to figure out is _how_ they wanted it sorted. By kernel size? By colour? Alphabetically? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/52 "2002-09-10T16:56:37Z")
. . . This morning on my way to work I saw a sign taped to a ship door: “Help Wanted. Must Fluent.” So it would seem. ---
**Author:** ![knock\_knock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/22d042/32.png) [@knock\_knock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/knock_knock)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2002, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/53 "2002-09-11T01:28:56Z")
I noticed recently that my teeth weren’t getting quite as clean as I’d like them to be. So I took a look at my toothpaste tube and saw: “For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom and flatten as you go up.” So _that_’s my problem. ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2002, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/54 "2002-09-11T02:45:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pkbites \* > \*\* > > Bill Who?😕 \*\* [Bill Engvall.](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000002N85/qid=1031711864/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_2/103-1702390-8298267?v=glance&s=music&n=507846) [This routine is by him, too.](http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/heresign.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Kaboodle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kaboodle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaboodle)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2002, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/55 "2002-09-11T03:46:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*I once bought a frozen pizza, & the cooking instructions said: “Place Pizza on a metal trivet.” > > Trivet? > Trivet? > Trivet? > :eek: 😕 😕 😕 \*\* That’s so strange. It was just the other day that I ran into a guy at work who had never heard of a trivet. Some are metal, some are ceramic, and some are wood (or a combination). They’re usually used to protect a surface from a hot pot or pan. What do you call the things you put down on the dinner table so they aren’t burnt by hot pots? Hot pads are the cloth pads you use to grab the pot handles, and a hot plate is usually used to heat food. A hot pad? I’m trying to remember if that’s a word (sorry it’s late). ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2002, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/56 "2002-09-11T16:34:17Z")
On a bag of peanuts (Southwest Airlines). The label on the bag said “Perks” the instuctions said “Open bag, eat nuts.” ---
**Author:** ![MrAndrewV](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@MrAndrewV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrAndrewV)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2002, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/57 "2002-09-11T23:57:54Z")
## quote: ## Originally posted by racinchikki I heard that almost word-for-word in a Bill Engvall routine. Well I heard it word for word done by Jeff Foxworthy and then stolen word for word by Barry Hilton. More from Barry Hilton: (speaking to audience) "You okes dont scare me. You okes dont scare me NOTHING cause I’m from Kempton. In Kempton park you go to a club they ask you at the door if you are in possession a weapon. You say ‘no’ they give you one." It’s much funnier when done with a thick-ass South African accent tho judging from Lethal Weapon 2 and The Sum of All Fears none of you have the slightest damn clue what that means 🙂 cheers ---
**Author:** ![Daowajan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Daowajan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daowajan)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/58 "2002-09-14T06:49:48Z")
Everyone, I am happy to report that tonight I obtained a Reality device. They were giving them away free with the condoms. I’m afraid to take it out of its wrapper for fear I might do something terrible to Reality. It’s a remarkably small thing - which begs the question, what if I misplace Reality? I should go pick it up, then I’d have a firm grasp on Reality. And I also noticed that the company who makes it has started calling it “Female Prophylactic” or FP for short. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2002, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/59 "2002-09-15T01:00:44Z")
The other day I bought this very beautiful greeting card for my sweetie. It was made by a fun, hippy-dippy company, who of course insisted on putting a little recycling slogan on the bottom. It even said, “This product can be recycled!” _lower lip quivering_ But I want him to wrap it in tissue and treasure it forever in his memory album, the better to fire his heart with thoughts of me whenever he traces my words with a trembling fingertip! I don’t want him to _recycle_ it! ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2002, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725/60 "2002-09-15T01:07:25Z")
I once had a can of tomatoes that read, on the top, “Open with Can Opener” Much to my own chagrin, I actually spent several minutes trying to figure out how the hell they THOUGHT I’d try to open it if they didn’t tell me. . . [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hilarious-product-instructions-thread/126725.md?page=4)