# Hire your EVIL starship crew! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 9, 2015, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608 "2015-05-09T06:44:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/1 "2015-05-09T06:44:56Z")
We’ve [done things like this in this past, and they’ve been a lot of fun](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=474720)—and while I was considering a revival, it struck me to do a twist…hire your EVIL Starship crew! For this thread, you’re the chief of staffing/potentate for your basic Interstellar Empire™, and the Starship in question is, let’s say, along the lines of your [Dreadnought class](http://memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/USS_Star_Empire)—I’m a fan of the classics—with reasonable modifications or additions to your personal taste. Your task is to pick the officers and crew to man this pride of your grand fleet, to explore and exploit strange new worlds, enforce Imperial Will, crush it’s enemies, drive them before it, take from them all they possess and hear the lamentation of all who loved them, etc. etc. Now, I’ll leave it up to your discretion whether you want a crew of cool professionals, doing their work for a paradise in which they know they will never have any place; or a collection of vicious, unstable, psychopaths, only miraculously able to function as a crew in their constant jockeying and backstabbing in personal quests for domination and personal power; or, a motley, boisterous band of glorified space vikings, doing your work for adventure, plunder, and supplies and munitions that they don’t have to pay for. Heck, pick more than one crew—'plenty of ships in the fleet. But no Death Stars. And, of course, this being an “Evil™” Imperial Star Ship, there’s room for openings beyond the regular bog-standard Starship officer positions—Chief Engineer, Helmsman, Science Officer, etc.—so by all means, feel free to add appropriate positions to your needs. Such as Commissar, [Information Removal Officer](http://www.luff.ch/sites/default/files/styles/galleryformatter_slide/public/film/Jello_Biafra-5000_Doigts_Du_Dr_T-005.jpg?itok=tCcb_3uo), or Captain’s [Leman](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Captain%27s_woman) (this is a modern, equal-opportunity fleet, after all). Your applicant pool is any character from a space opera (TV, movie, etc). So…who would YOU want? Let us know—and _let slip the Dogs of War!_ ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/2 "2015-05-09T09:04:28Z")
Captain Kirk with a goatee. Mr Spock with a goatee. Mr Sulu with a goatee. Mr Checkov with a goatee. Lieutenant Uhuru with a – big cleavage. Dr McCoy with — well, you get the picture. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/3 "2015-05-09T09:29:00Z")
The unnamed [Romulan commander](http://www.imdb.com/media/rm124955392/nm0501697?ref_=nm_ov_ph#) from \*Balance of Terror \*- he almost beat Kirk. And that’s \*Season 1 \*Kirk. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/4 "2015-05-09T09:49:19Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > The unnamed [Romulan commander](http://www.imdb.com/media/rm124955392/nm0501697?ref_=nm_ov_ph#) from \*Balance of Terror \*- he almost beat Kirk. And that’s \*Season 1 \*Kirk. Well, yeah, he was Spock’s father, of course he was good. He lost on purpose. In my mind he was a deep cover agent for the Vulcan government. They were pacifists, not patsies. ---
**Author:** ![Dioptre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/278dde/32.png) [@Dioptre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dioptre)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/5 "2015-05-09T12:24:23Z")
I’m working on the principle that the greatest harm can be done by capable well-intentioned people who believe they are doing the right thing. This crew is supremely competent, with self-righteousness in spades and self-awareness in microscopic portions. Captain: Janeway from StarTrek Voyager Helm: Honor Harrington from the David Weber book series 2IC and staff officer: Obi Wan Kenobe from Star Wars (either set of movies) Tactical officer: Ender Wiggen, locked in the tac centre and thinking the whole thing is a series of simulations Science Officer: Lady Alexandria Von Fogg from PS238 Chief Engineer: Martin Crane, from Skylark Medical Officer: Dr Stephen Franklin from Babylon Five Security and away teams: Kris Longknife (from the Martin Shepherd books) And giving them instructions from the Admiralty, making them convinced that they are crusaders fighting for justice: An evil version of Miles Vorkosigan (from the Vorkosigan saga) ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/6 "2015-05-09T13:42:25Z")
Let’s see - Ship’s Counselor would have to be Bester from _B5_ Servalan for Captain. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/7 "2015-05-09T14:30:28Z")
Captain: Wilhuff Tarkin - He’s got ship command experience. And I figure he was able to keep Darth Vader in line so he can supervise “difficult” people. First Officer: Evil Universe Spock - He’s as competent as Regular Universe Spock with a goatee bonus. Engineer: Klaus Wulfenbach - Brilliant engineer who’ll keep the ship running in creative ways. Science Officers: Lex Luthor and Victor von Doom - I figure these two are too meglomaniac and either of them would normally be plotting to take over the ship. So I’m assigning them to the same job so they compete against each other and don’t interfere with the rest of the crew. Security Officer: Laurence Dominic - He was able to both defend the Dollhouse and subvert it without Adelle DeWitt knowing. That shows competence. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/8 "2015-05-09T15:26:21Z")
Going slightly off-model: Ship’s Surgeon/Doctor - Herbert West, re-animator. You’ll never have to hear, “He’s dead, Jim,” ever again. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/9 "2015-05-09T17:12:41Z")
Ship’s Councilor–Darth Vader. He’s a People Person, who really knows how to motivate people. Ships Doctor-- **Scalpel** , of the Cobra Organization. [[del]An Angel of Mercy[/del] Nope, neither one.](http://www.yojoe.com/action/03/scalpel.shtml) > [@](#): > > File Name: Walker, Andrew R. > Birthplace: Death Valley, California > Motto: “Unlike most medical practitioners, my patients never ask me if it is going to hurt. They know it is going to hurt.” [FILECARD](http://www.yojoe.com/images/resize/w/MAX/filecard/03/scalpel.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/10 "2015-05-09T20:02:05Z")
A mix of Romulans and mirror-universe Vulcans, with a Marine contingent of rogue Borgs. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/11 "2015-05-09T20:07:20Z")
For the misguided “good guys” who are actually hella evil, Kimball Kinnison and the Lensmen. They think they’re noble and moral and right-justified, but they’re really just effin’ space fascists. For the deliberate, intentional, methodical evil, Howard Alan Treesong and his confreres from Jack Vance’s “Demon Prince” novels. They’ll have everyone in the galaxy in chains working at the bottom of the beryllium mines…except for the cutest ones, who go into harems. For the “Wild and Crazy Guys” out there without a care in the world, DC Comics’ Lobo (the old version, by Feetal’s Gizz, not the namby-pamby revision) backed up by Granny Goodness and the Female Furies. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/12 "2015-05-09T20:54:01Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > The unnamed [Romulan commander](http://www.imdb.com/media/rm124955392/nm0501697?ref_=nm_ov_ph#) from \*Balance of Terror \*- he almost beat Kirk. And that’s \*Season 1 \*Kirk. He was evil. He was just trying to get home. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/13 "2015-05-09T21:31:19Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > He was evil. He was just trying to get home. I think you mean _wasn’t evil_. 😉 _ **TOS** _ Romulans weren’t evil, just aggressive and militant (like, you know, Earth’s Romans, duh!). They only became evil and treacherous in _ **TNG** _ so they could replace the now dimwitted-but-somehow-admirable Klingons as the real bad guys, one reason why that series sucked so bad! ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/14 "2015-05-09T22:50:06Z")
For my first ship (if I have time, I may do this again), I’m going to keep it simple and have the Master crew the entire thing, in all positions. Those of you who have seen the **Doctor Who** episode _The End of Time_ know what I mean. There were billions of him, and they worked together very efficiently. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/15 "2015-05-09T22:56:27Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > For the misguided “good guys” who are actually hella evil, Kimball Kinnison and the Lensmen. They think they’re noble and moral and right-justified, but they’re really just effin’ space fascists. Now, I went to E.E. Smith too, but the Skylark series provides Blackie Duquesne. Of course he’d do his best to mutiny, or take over the crew by murdering me, but hey, he’s got brains, guts, and good looks. ---
**Author:** ![DinoR](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dinor/32/2821_2.png) [@DinoR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinoR)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/16 "2015-05-09T23:16:36Z")
Captain’s Leman - Deanna Troi. She brought cleavage and a skill only slightly more effective than someone doing a cold reading to TNG. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/17 "2015-05-09T23:28:06Z")
Now, who is going to be the Captain’s Evil Hot Chick? Every Evil Star-ship has a Captain’s Evil Hot Chick I nominate Princess Invidia, from the Star Blazers Comet Empire Season Two. [![](http://visions.comet-empire.com/endgame5_files/image003.jpg) ](http://visions.comet-empire.com/endgame5_files/image003.jpg) [![](http://visions.comet-empire.com/endgame2_files/image105.jpg) ](http://visions.comet-empire.com/endgame2_files/image105.jpg) She plots against Earth, against her peoples’ Admiral, against her Father, against another villain (Dictator Desslok)…against everybody! And looks cool & sexy, sipping wine elegantly, while doing it. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/18 "2015-05-10T02:57:13Z")
Still working on my full list, but so far I’ve got: Captain: [Sador](http://m3.paperblog.com/i/80/805262/review-sador-herrscher-im-weltraum-weltall-we-L-jOeJk7.jpeg), from _Battle Beyond The Stars_: evil mutant who turns planets incandescent if they oppose him. Needs a constant supply of replacement limbs and organs, and screw-ups go to the top of the donor list. Not someone you want to piss off. Chief Medical Officer: [Colonel DeHaans,](http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-01-20) from _Schlock Mercenary_. Neuro-torturer, expert at reducing “patients” (victims) into “soulless, mostly-organic husks”. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/19 "2015-05-10T03:19:02Z")
For my ground assault marines/landing party, I’ll go with insane killer cyborgs: Squad Commander: [General Grevious](https://rhapsodistreviews.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/grievous-revealed-still.jpg) (the badass Clone Wars version, not the loser in RotS) Heavy Weapons Specialist: [RoboCain](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dwVJRKST6e0/Rra3bRkPygI/AAAAAAAAAEY/A7ePyBnug54/s1600/robocain%2Bcon%2Bpantalla) ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608/20 "2015-05-10T05:36:25Z")
I’m thinking an entire crew of affable, evil Chris Christie clones. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-evil-starship-crew/719608.md?page=2)