# Hire your starship crew! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 8, 2008, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699 "2008-07-08T15:31:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/1 "2008-07-08T15:31:09Z")
Or, things Skald posts about when he’s sitting at work bored with nothing to do but wait for the next person to come in so I can give their their layoff papers. How I hate my job. The starship in question is, oh, let’s say something like the USS Defiant. Warp capable, heavily armed, and likely to win any fight she gets into. But no holodeck. Holodecks are stupid. Oh, and when you bought the vessel from the surplus yard, they screwed you out of the food replicators Anyway–though this is vessel is likely to see combat, she’s not naval. You see, in this thread you’re the owner of a shipping fleet, and from time to time your ships have to go into sectors of space plagued by pirates and what not, so you need a ship that can handle herself. Your applicant pool consists of any character on any space opera TV show or movie. You have the magical quick-learning device McCoy used to re-educate Uhura; that only gives knowledge, though, not aptitude, so you don’t want to hire Jayne and appoint him as your engineer, because he’s just not that kind of guy. Who do you want, and for what posts? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/2 "2008-07-08T15:37:19Z")
Doctor Who. Anyone else is just gravy. ---
**Author:** ![Whiteknight](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whiteknight/32/4962_2.png) [@Whiteknight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whiteknight)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/3 "2008-07-08T15:43:23Z")
[QUOTE=RealityChuck] Doctor Who. Anyone else is just gravy. [/QUOTE] R2 /thread ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/4 "2008-07-08T15:53:36Z")
Malcolm Reynolds - Captain - He loves his ship, he tolerates his crew, and he knows when to be scared and how to ask for help. Saul Tigh - XO - A Strong Second makes sure the dirty jobs get done. James Kirk - Away Team Leader - Fearless, reckless and apparantly bulletproof to a high degree. This is the guy you send into harm’s way when needed. Inara Serra - Ship Morale Officer Kaylee Frye - Assistant Ship Morale Officer - Because we don’t have holodecks. Chief Engineer - R2D2 - Because it has to be done right the first time. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/5 "2008-07-08T16:20:47Z")
Captain: Han Solo Mercenary: Jayne Away Team Leader: General Veers from _The Empire Strikes Back_ Clerk: That Imperial officer in _A New Hope_ who said "where are you taking that…_thing?"_ when they led Chewbacca into the detention area. Any desk officer of mine has to be dripping with that kind of officious contempt. ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/6 "2008-07-08T16:28:54Z")
Washu Habiki, Engineering, Medical. Henry P. McCoy, Medical, Engineering. Sasami Masaki Jurai, Galley, Morale. Ryoko Habiki, Away Teams. Scott Summers, Away Teams. Princess Diana, Tactical Officer. R2-D2, Maintenance. Yurika Misumaru, Captain, day shift. Justy Ueki Tylor, Captain, night shift. Ruri Hoshino, Helm, Sysadmin. Mr. Prospector, Accounting, Logistics. Ryo-Ohki: Escape Craft, Mascot. Hm. What positions do we have to fill? (Scott and Hank both have extensive space experience… and have met the crew of 1071. Diana has extensive outer-space experience.) ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/7 "2008-07-08T16:36:50Z")
Captain: Dylan Hunt, from _Andromeda_. As charismatic as Kirk, but without the scenery-chewing over-acting. And just as bullet-proof. First Mate: Hazel Meade Stone, sometime after _The Moon is a Harsh Mistress_, but before _The Rolling Stones_. Weapons Officer: Telemachus Rade, from _Andromeda_. Han Solo and the lizard from _The Last Starfighter_ as gunners. Chief Engineer: “Slipstick” Libby, the Calculator, from various Heinlein stories. Morale Officer: Halrloprillalar, from Larry Niven’s _Ringworld_. Medical Officer: If we can install one of the autodocs from Larry Niven’s books, we won’t need one. Dr. Beverly Crusher, from _Star Trek TNG_ as backup. And Assistant Morale Officer. Security: Johnny Rico and a platoon of Mobile Infantry from _Starship Troopers_. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/8 "2008-07-08T16:43:52Z")
Security - James Howlett - Because sometimes things just need killing. Tactical - Han Solo - Because sometimes you have to run. Chief Cook - The Eternal Emperor - An eternity of cooking experience. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/9 "2008-07-08T17:22:40Z")
On re-reading, I see that the OP specified TV and movies, rather than books. In that case: First Mate: Susan Ivanova, from _Babylon 5_. Chief Engineer: Scotty, from _Star Trek_. Medical Officer: Beverly Crusher, from _Star Trek._ The guy from _Babylon 5_ and Nurse Chapel as her assistants. Security: Mobile Infantry from the animated version of _Starship Troopers_. Other Crew Members: Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Yeoman Rand, and Lt. Saavik, from _Star Trek._ Stella Star, from _Star Crash_. Princess Leia, from _Star Wars_. Wilma Deering from _Buck Rogers_. Athena and the blonde chick from the original _Battlestar Galactica_. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_and\_a\_Half\_Inches\_of\_Fun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea666f/32.png) [@Two\_and\_a\_Half\_Inches\_of\_Fun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_and_a_Half_Inches_of_Fun)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/10 "2008-07-08T17:25:57Z")
Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Biel―Special Assistants to the Ship’s Owner Then I hire Data, and he can staff the rest of the ship. I’ll be in my quarters with my assistants. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/11 "2008-07-08T17:28:21Z")
Supply Officer: The Imperial Officer from Star Wars IV who said “Hold your fire. There’s no life forms aboard.” I’m running a business - I want a supply officer who is extremely concerned with the bottom line. AI: Mike from The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. Tactical: Honor Stephanie Harrington. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/12 "2008-07-08T17:31:15Z")
[QUOTE=silenus] Malcolm Reynolds - Captain - He loves his ship, he tolerates his crew, and he knows when to be scared and how to ask for help. . . . Inara Serra - Ship Morale Officer Kaylee Frye - Assistant Ship Morale Officer - Because we don’t have holodecks. [/QUOTE] So can we just go ahead and say right now that most of the replies will consist of pretty much the crew from Firefly? And I disagree about Malcom…one of his faults was that he’s proud to a fault and _doesn’t_ know when to ask for help…he ends up asking far too late, but thanks to “Whedonverse luck”, he makes it through alright. My kick-ass crew: Captain: Captain/Admiral Odama. No nonsense, but knows when to “bend” the rules. First officer: Susan Ivanova. “I am Death incarnate, and the last living thing you are _ever_ going to see. God sent me.” 'Nuff said. Pilot: Tom Paris. He’s a jerk, to be sure, but a _damn_ fine pilot. Engineer: Now, you say I’m on the _USS Defiant_, but I’d prefer the _White Star_, but B5 doesn’t _have_ the quintessential “chief engineer”…but there’s the magic learning tool, so I’ll go with Geordi LaForge. Doctor: Well, everyone so far is human, so I’ll go with Dr.Simon Tam. No need for anyone with alien expertise…though again, we have the handy learning tool, so… Science officer: Spock. Miscellaneous crew that might come in handy: Turonga Leela. Can serve well as both a back-up pilot and back-up captain, should the need arise. Han Solo. Never know when smuggling skills will come in handy. ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/13 "2008-07-08T17:47:03Z")
Alright, I’ve got too much of a “good ship sausage fest” vibe going, so to spice things up: Psychics: Lyta Alexander and Talia Winters. Engineering crew: Kaylee Frye, Umm…Cally Tyrol, that cute flight deck crew from BSG. Morale officers: Innara, Xev/Zev (don’t worry, I’ll deal with the whole lizard thing when/if it come to that.) ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/14 "2008-07-08T17:52:49Z")
Communications - Flight Cpl. Rigel - I want that soothing voice on my bridge. Conn - ObiWan Kenobi (the middle years) - Great pilot, skilled in Force maneuvers, not tempted to take over. Supply - Michael Garibaldi - Sneaky, resourceful, security-aware, and capable of securing the foodstuffs the Chief Cook needs. **muldoonthief** _Mike_ as your AI? Are you nuts? You’d trust your ship to an AI _with a sense of humor?_ If we have an AI, I want _Dahak_. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/15 "2008-07-08T17:59:50Z")
[QUOTE=RealityChuck] Doctor Who. Anyone else is just gravy. [/QUOTE] Sorry, he’s going to get an itch to run off and declare that his job here is finished. ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/16 "2008-07-08T18:02:53Z")
[QUOTE=silenus] Saul Tigh - XO - A Strong Second makes sure the dirty jobs get done. [/QUOTE] **!** **!!** **!!!** I just started Season 3 of the DVDs. I … didn’t…know… ☹ I have nothing to add to this thread. I’m leaving before I read any further. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/17 "2008-07-08T18:09:06Z")
If the ship has an A.I., then I want Andromeda Ascendant. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/18 "2008-07-08T18:18:21Z")
[QUOTE=silenus] **muldoonthief** _Mike_ as your AI? Are you nuts? You’d trust your ship to an AI _with a sense of humor?_ If we have an AI, I want _Dahak_. [/QUOTE] Hey, I was going to pick one of the Culture Minds, but I figured they’d get bored. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/19 "2008-07-08T18:20:27Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Your applicant pool consists of any character on any space opera TV show or movie. [/QUOTE] Darn. I was going to fill my crew with X-Men, but “space opera” doesn’t really include that. A ship the size of _Defiant_ will have to have a pretty substantial crew, so I’m assuming we’re just going for the major officers and supervisors here: XO/Second In Command - Lt. Cmdr. Data. Immeasurably high IQ, loyal, superstrong, calm, and a perfect counter to my nature - blessed with strategic understanding and insight into people, but disorganized. Officer of the Third Watch: Lee Adama. Command experience; tremendous moral and physical courage. Security Officer: Mal, from “Firefly.” Also blessed with command experience and courage. Good with a gun, which you can’t say about Worf. Science Officer: Spock, of course. Chief of Engineering: I’m going to go with Scotty here, because he’s less whiny than Geordi. Communications: Sigourney Weaver as both her “Galaxy Quest” (Gwen DeMarco) and “Alien” (Ellen Ripley) characters, and channeling her voice from “Wall-E.” Because not only is she good at repeating the computer, but she can kick some asses when some asses need kicking. Lead Helmsman: Luke Skywalker. Come on, the guy could bomb a womprat, and that’s not much bigger than two metres. Lead Conn: Turanga Leela. Good call, **bouv**. She seems limitlessly talented, if emotionally needy. And along the same lines: Quartermaster: Hermes Conrad. The guy fucking squeaks when he walks. That’s who I want watching MY books. Medical Officer: The holographic Doctor. He can’t make a mistake. Diplomatic Officer: President Laura Roslyn, from “Battlestar Galactica.” You need someone who can smile at the enemy and stab them in the back. Droids: R2-D2, WALL-E, and a few Centurions to keep an eye on Roslyn. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2008, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699/20 "2008-07-08T18:23:15Z")
Commander; William Adama - anyone with the mivonks to drop a frakkin Battlestar into a planet’s atmosphere, while launching snub fighters for air cover/bombardment and jumping back into orbit just before impact _CLEARLY_ has balls of solid Duranium and the ability to think outside the box, neccecary qualities for a flag officer XO; James T. Kirk - hey, _someone_ has to seduce all those alien women, right? and Kirk’s command experience makes him useful as a backup to the Capt./Commander Science; John Crichton (Farscape)- Scientific genius, has the ability to call up/predict wormholes, and neccecary for the offhand Earth cultural references Security; Ka’ D’Argo (Farscape) - Luxan strength, a neurotoxin-laced stinger tongue to incapacitate threats, and a Klingonesque temper, just watch out and hope he doesn’t enter Hyper-Rage when dealing with a threat Chief Medical Officer;P’au Zotoh Zhann (Farscape) - instinctive, intuitive healing, a gentle bedside manner, and the ability to share/take the pain of suffering crewmembers Engineering; Scotty, 'nuff said Covert-Ops; Odo - shapeshifting is too useful an ability _not_ to have in a covert operative Astrometrics/Navigation; Pilot (Farscape) - native multitasking abilities Morale; Chiana (Farscape) (Nudge, nudge, knowhatimean, say no more 😉 ) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hire-your-starship-crew/455699.md?page=2)