# Historical figures you wish were Dopers? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 15, 2002, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521 "2002-03-15T21:15:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2002, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/21 "2002-03-16T13:19:54Z")
I’d like to see **George Orwell** in Great Debates. Especially during the whole Election 2000 bit. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mondeo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Mondeo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mondeo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2002, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/22 "2002-03-16T13:37:27Z")
I’d settle for Dennis Miller, and he’s not dead! ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2002, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/23 "2002-03-16T18:21:05Z")
No question about it, **William S. Burroughs**. failing that, do you think its’ too late to get \*\* Hunter Thompson\*\* to sign up? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/24 "2002-03-17T03:14:13Z")
Well, okay, the Ayn can be neutral. But can you imagine wading through her posts? They’d be long, flowery with tons of big words. Besides, she’d probably be banned for calling everyone looters outside of the Pit. Ayn’s favorite debate tactic was the ad hominem. I was bored at work and made a list: Good: Pope John XXIII Audrey Hepburn Rachel Carson Plato Aristotle Socrates FDR Harry Truman-probably be banned because he was a hot head who used to lose his temper too much Bary Goldwater-not a fan, but the guy was pretty intelligent and besides, anyone who thinks Falwell needs a kick in the ass is all right with me! Anne Frank Patrick Pearse Muhammed-another one to clear things up Patrick Pearse Augustine of Hippo (okay, I think the guy was a misogynist, but I didn’t feel like putting him on the neutral list. Besides, maybe he could describe more than he did in his “Confessions”) Eleanor Roosevelt Francis of Assisi Jesse Owen Bad: Joseph Mengele Nero Caligula Lizzie Borden Joseph Goebels Nathan Bedford Forrest Eva Braun Rasputin Otto von Bismarck General Custer J. Edgar Hoover Judas Iscariot Lee Harvey Oswald Aaron Burr Marquis de Sade-he’d be banned-because he’d purposely troll to piss people off Cotton Mather Ivan the Terrible And neutral, or just plain fun to mess with! Kaiser Wilhelm II-he’d probably be banned because he was a nut (think of **Wildest Bill** ) Marie Antoinette Howard Hughes General Patton-another one probably be banned Julius and Ethel Rosenberg Nostradamus Malcolm X Mary, Queen of Scots Karl Marx the “Unsinkable” Molly Brown Frederick Engels Sigmund Freud George III after he went nuts ---
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/25 "2002-03-17T05:53:10Z")
IMHO, it’s a bit of an overgeneralization to group people into goods and bads and neutrals, so here’s my assorted list: Churchill Hitler Stalin Mussolini Pétain de Gaulle Franco (imagine THEM in GD! :)) George B. Shaw Kublai Khan Ieyasu Muhammed Jesus Moses Hammurabi Chiang Kai-Shek Ataturk Aristotle Julius Cæsar Diego Rivera Shaka Zulu Mao Zedong Mahatma Gandhi Simón Bolívar Benjamin Franklin Catherine the Great Eugene V. Debs Prince Shianouk Crazy Horse Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels Rousseau Piotr the Great Plato Samuel Morse John Locke Adam Smith Isaac Newton John Calhoun Robespierre Christiaan Huygens Salvador Dalí The Habsburgs Voltaire Dwight D. Eisenhower Lee Harvey Oswald etc etc etc ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/26 "2002-03-17T07:02:53Z")
I reckon Joe, Jesus’ dad would be pretty cool. We’d get the straight dope on what Jesus was REALLY like as a kid, (“He wasn’t all that bright y’know, and nobody else would employ him, so I had to find him a job in my OWN workshop” etc) and I’m SURE there’d be some interesting pit threads like “I’ve Been Cuckolded by God, the Bastard”. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/27 "2002-03-17T10:59:42Z")
Just looking at some of the names listed above: Jesus, the Marquis de Sade, Hitler, Shaka Zulu, and the thought struck me: Imagine the White Elephant Swaps! They’d be freaking amazing. I think **God** would be a cool doper. Ten to one on He’d stay the hell away from Great Debates, and probably hang in MPSIMS a lot. Hopefully He’d sometimes take some of the religious nuts to the Pit. He’d be a blast in GQ too - “Er, **God** , do you have a cite for that?” ---
**Author:** ![Wisest\_Novel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wisest_novel/32/13329_2.png) [@Wisest\_Novel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wisest_Novel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/28 "2002-03-17T12:20:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > Well, okay, the Ayn can be neutral. But can you imagine wading through her posts? They’d be long, flowery with tons of big words. > > Besides, she’d probably be banned for calling everyone looters outside of the Pit. Ayn’s favorite debate tactic was the ad hominem. OK, I’ll go along with that. But she’d be hell-on-wheels in the economics threads. Naw, come to think of it, you’re right–she’d be banned within a week. Don’t know why, but I just got a great mental picture of a GD debate between Rand and Lewis Carrol! ---
**Author:** ![MrO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@MrO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrO)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/29 "2002-03-17T14:07:25Z")
Yes, I’m way too late, but here’s another vote for Jesus. I’m convinced that he would be horrified at the religion that usurped his name. “Jesus Flying Christ!” he’d say. “You’ve all completely missed the point. And I _had_ to couch everything I said in obscure parables! They’d have killed me if I’d said what I really thought!” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/30 "2002-03-17T15:42:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MrO \* > \*\*Yes, I’m way too late, but here’s another vote for Jesus. I’m convinced that he would be horrified at the religion that usurped his name. “Jesus Flying Christ!” he’d say. “You’ve all completely missed the point. And I _had_ to couch everything I said in obscure parables! They’d have killed me if I’d said what I really thought!” \*\* I wanna take a stand against inviting God, or Jesus, or any _Supreme Being_ people care to name, to post on SDMB. Why? 1. Great Debates would shut down fast. You gonna debate God? 2. DITTO Humble Opinions. Though, would God abstain here? How could God’s opinions be humble? 3. God doesn’t need an invitation, and probably doesn’t even need to register. 4. God would not (could not?) respect our anonymity. There might be real world consequences to our posts. There might be _afterlife_ consequences. I don’t need the presssure. ---
**Author:** ![Wisest\_Novel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wisest_novel/32/13329_2.png) [@Wisest\_Novel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wisest_Novel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/31 "2002-03-17T16:03:04Z")
Holy cats, **yojimboguy** –I hadn’t thought of any of that! And what if he started correcting all of **Cecil’s** columns? Talk about a crisis of _ **faith** _! ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/32 "2002-03-17T16:56:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Caligula > \*\* Yeah, I could imagine him being called into The Pit—a lot. Mostly for immature attention getting threads and posts. “Look at MEEEE! I’M IMPORTANT!” Then he would get a reply like, “Sigh. When does school start again?” 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/33 "2002-03-17T17:09:10Z")
Forgot to mention a few other things about ol’ Caligula and the Caesars: I would also imagine that Caligula would not follow grammer or spelling rules, and he’d get called on that, too. No doubt he would also be a hacker and he would be BANNED within a few days of him joining. As for the other Caesars, I would imagine Julius and Augustus as popular posters, and Tiberius would be well thought of because of his cynical rantings in The Pit (I so see Tiberius as a Pit person…just creating threads, not being called into it like Caligula would be). Claudius, I would see as someone who was a normal poster; one with not too many posts but is generally liked anyway. Nero would sort of be like Caligula, only not so obnoxious. Nero would be called in The Pit once or twice, but then he would be under control for a while. I don’t think Nero would ever really be BANNED, but I do see him with a lot of rolly-eyed replies. "There goes Nero again… :rolleyes: " ---
**Author:** ![Hazel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Hazel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazel)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/34 "2002-03-17T17:15:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*Ben Franklin-- Brilliant, witty, charming. Printer, publisher, journalist, author. Scientist, spy, diplomat. Political scientist, civic leader, _revolutionary!_ Innovator & agitator. > > He’s primo SDMB material! > > 🙂 \*\* So…all we get to do is exchange posts? Can’t I have an affair with him? Huh, please? ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2002, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/35 "2002-03-17T18:12:35Z")
Petrarch Galileo de Talleyrand (who would always manage to smooth his way through a heated debate, and would never get sent to the Pit) Pythagoras (who would win one of the Loony of the Month awards for his odd animist beliefs) Robert Hooke Christine de Pizan ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/36 "2002-03-18T06:32:00Z")
Oh man, I can just see Mark Twain just totally tearing everyone to shreds in the Pit. He wouldn’t even have to swear to make a total ass out of anyone! I think Jesus would be cool at Dopefests-you wouldn’t even have to bring the booze. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/37 "2002-03-18T22:34:38Z")
Nelson Mandela Maggie Thatcher Gen. Ridgeway (sucessor to MacArthur in the Korean War) plus Truman and Feynman and… ---
**Author:** ![Ferrous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Ferrous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferrous)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/38 "2002-03-18T22:59:50Z")
Feynman, of course. I’ll…er, what is it now…“seventh” that? Anthony Burgess would be great in the language threads, among other things. Sir Richard Francis Burton would be a great contributor. He’d certainly give **Collounsbury** a run for his money in Middle East debates! And, oh, Aaron Burr, just because I seem to be nominating guys whose last name starts with “Bur”. ---
**Author:** ![City\_Gent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a87d85/32.png) [@City\_Gent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/City_Gent)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2002, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/39 "2002-03-18T23:13:34Z")
Siddartha Gautama. His only form of participation would be to seek out blatherers and whack them upside the head with a special “frying pan” icon. ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2002, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/historical-figures-you-wish-were-dopers/98521/40 "2002-03-22T10:03:15Z")
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