History of the World ala SDMB

First there was a singularity, then a Big Bang, then some cooling then some muck and a simple organism formed in the water . The organism got tired of being simple and wanted to be complex, like Christian slater in Heathers. Then it wanted to walk so it walked, onto the beach and then stood upright and eventually changed his name to Homo sapien, although his friends just called him Hosay.

All together now… HUH?

Not that I don’t think Smeghead’s analysis of the OP isn’t the correct one; but I never, ever get in on these things when they first start.

"And OG looked on his work, scratched his ass and said, “Crap, I forgot to invent Baltimore.”

I’ll add that the organism was ok with being simple for a very, very, very, very long time.

Then eventually Hosay decided he needed to impress chicks. So he started doing all kinds of crazy things like wearing the skins of other animals wrapped around him and shaving. This seemed to work so he went on to make stuff like an idealized platform in space (otherwise known as a chair) for the chicks to sit in and be comfortable. Or like an apron with pockets, so the ladies could go out and gather food and hold the baby at the same time. Generally, the chicks dug it.

Eventually the chicks started bitchin’ up about the crappy stone tools they had to use to make dinner, and when were they going to get something nice, so Hosay had to go out and create metal tools. Shiny metal stuff seemed to tide everybody over for a while, and it made killing each other so easy!

Awwwwright, with a little promting this could turn into the, “Mystical Thread That Went On Forevere Where SandyHook Was Only The Second Post After The OP.”

So I guess we’re going with, “Hosey,” here. Yeah, okay, I can go with that.

And on the 111th day Hosey rested and admired what he had done. Which he decided wasn’t squat. So he decread, “Let there be Dolby surround sound.”

This made the chicks panties wet.

It depends on where you locate your sources.

Quadro-Neandorthals didn’t need these types of vested organizations. There were plenty of grazing fields where the required level of foodstock were to be found. Add to that, there were more than enough fields for the local population, and bearing in mind, there weren’t all that many predatory creatures around that caused significant fluctuations within local sub-homegenic groups. Try to bear in mind, this was many hundreds of thousands of years ago, so not all that much evidence really exists.

It’s really quite simple.

On the first day, Og created the heavens and the earth

On the second day, Og created light and dark

Hi Opal!

No, Heather was a Satan shagger.

Well you said you wanted history ala SDMB.

And then, on Cinco de Mayo, Hosey decided to create a race of people who would proudly display their sexuality, number, and perfered racing stripe of the Divine Preference on their glowing ember genitalia. Then he created jellyfish. And ate lunch with one. Named Diane. Then he creates the D. And had a part for his labor. He invited jellyfishes. Then the party hat. And then the funeral after he squished Diane. Poor Diane. Hosey will miss her. And I, Hosey.

And then, on Cinco de Mayo, Hosey decided to create a race of people who would proudly display their sexuality, number, and perfered racing stripe of the Divine Preference on their glowing ember genitalia. Then he created jellyfish. And ate lunch with one. Named Diane. Then he created the letter D. And had a party for his labor. He invited jellyfishes. Then he invented the party hat. And then the funeral after he squished Diane. Poor Diane. Hosey will miss her. And I, Hosey.

Hosey never met Diane’s cousin, preview. Stupid jellyfish.

Oh, wait. It’s OG who’s the thingie maker and Hosey is the thingie. Okay, think I’ve got it now.

OG will be decidin’ what Quadro-Neandorthals need, Bi-atch.

My personal secular OG prophet (or possibly the drugs the VA give me) has dreamed the truth of OG onto me.

Dolby surround sound and beer maketh the shorts sop.
So days 1 through 111 are accounted for.

After a long weekend in Malibu comprising days 1000 through 1100 OG spoke thus to Opal.

“Thou maketh the rules of listage that all Hosey kind may list properly.”

Not up there with actual commandment or like that but several sects hoping to be the annointed people later made this into an entire religion.

Hosay got bored with grunting and walking around with nothing to say, so Hosay needed a better way to communicate.

What magnificent proclamation did he desperately need express around the clan fire?

“Pull my finger.”

First the Earth cooled.

Then came dinosaurs.

But they got too big and fat so they died and became oil.

Then came the Saudis.

And they drove Mercedes Benzes.

The chicks were impressed by the metal implements and all, but it was the invention of shoes that they really liked.

(I may be putting my personal spin on things here.)

And then, in the time known only as “the 1920s”, Og did present until Tesla son of Mortimer son of James son of Bartholemule son of Dickenson son of Saul son of Peter son of Hesus an object that was henceforth referred to as the “Death Ray”.

-lv

Having arrainged for proper listage OG took days 1101 through 1000001101110000000000 off saying, “That enough stull lying around.” Thus fortelling the great events of 1920ish or so. Also creating 4 more sects who differed on their interpritation of these obviously prophetic words.

Until, on day 1000001101110000000001, OG looked down from the heavens at what She Had Wroght, and declared in a booming voice which reached from here to about over there:

“Cite?”

And Hosay went :rolleyes: and invented Google.

:smack: Wought, of course…

So on day 1000001101110000000002, Hosay invented proofreading, which wooshed the majority of the population.