# Ho, Ho, Ho! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 1999, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085 "1999-12-11T05:54:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Santa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@Santa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santa)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/21 "1999-12-11T14:58:00Z")
HO!, Ho!, Ho! Well, kiddies! I think I can fill all your stockings with your special Christmas wishes (except Byz who will be getting a “special” surprise this year). Ho, Ho, Ho!! (That’s a special hello for all the “hos” out there) Santa ---
**Author:** ![CanadianSue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@CanadianSue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanadianSue)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/22 "1999-12-11T15:01:00Z")
No special order for me Santa, Im just gonna enjoy sitting on your lap 😉 * * * I opened the door, and look who I found. Damn I’m good ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/23 "1999-12-11T16:15:00Z")
I want: - A minimum wage for elves. - Overtime pay for the aforementioned elves. - Regular government inspections of your workshop for safety conditions. - Non-discrimination laws for draft animals to be drawn up and enforced immediately. Current reports of prejudice against certain nasa characteristics must be investigated, and the perpetrators must be given a fair and impartial trial. - Equal rights and importance must be given to Mrs. Claus, who has traditionally been relegated to a subservient role. - Equal labor opportunities for the south pole. The north pole monopoly of holiday craft employment is yet another indication of the bias inherent in the system. - End of holiday prejudice. Other religious/secular holidays that traditionally require gift-giving will be supported by “Santa, Inc.” Please comply with these demands immediately. * * * Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide. Maréchal Lyautey ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/24 "1999-12-11T16:16:00Z")
Change that to - Non-discrimination laws for draft animals to be drawn up and enforced immediately. Current reports of prejudice against certain nasa **l** characteristics must be investigated, and the perpetrators must be given a fair and impartial trial. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/25 "1999-12-11T17:10:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Melin - a spanking Hey! Who told??? -Melin ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/26 "1999-12-11T17:27:00Z")
I stole Santa’s magic snowball, so I know if you’ve been good or bad. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 1999, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/27 "1999-12-12T06:44:00Z")
Meat flaps. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/28 "1999-12-11T21:11:00Z")
Santa,if a guy named Squirlcub comes by,don’t let him sit on your lap! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/29 "1999-12-11T22:25:00Z")
Dear Santa: I want a boyfriend who is: Loving, supportive, intelligent, cooperative, wanting to have children, honest, open, reasonably free of hangups, artistic, reasonable about money (neither chintzy nor a spendthrift), responsible, attractive to me (& I’m not expecting Sean Connery) and finds my zaftig figure sexy. If you can’t find him on such short notice, I’ll settle for getting laid! Hell, I’d be happy to get kissed by a drunk in a bar right about now. I promise, I’ve been good all year - of course, I haven’t had a chance to be bad… Zyada ---
**Author:** ![Konrad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f475e1/32.png) [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/30 "1999-12-13T03:37:00Z")
> [@](#): > > I want a boyfriend who is: > Loving, supportive, intelligent, cooperative, wanting to have children, honest, open, reasonably free of hangups, artistic, reasonable about money (neither chintzy nor a > spendthrift), responsible, attractive to me Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Er… I mean Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa will see what he can do, but don’t get your hopes up. ---
**Author:** ![Jois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ea666f/32.png) [@Jois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jois)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/31 "1999-12-13T03:50:00Z")
Dear Santa, I can explain… ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/32 "1999-12-13T03:58:00Z")
## Dear Santa…I want my old metabolism back! MaryAnn No, stupid, it’s a boat! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/33 "1999-12-13T08:02:00Z")
Santa, I want a million dollars. Well, either that or the movie _Undercover Blues_. * * * Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99. “I get along well with everybody.” --I.M.F. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/34 "1999-12-13T11:44:00Z")
Santa, I ain’t been so good this year, but I’m gonna ask any way. Nuttin’ ventured, nuttin’ gained, yadda yadda… I would really like a new set of instruments for home surgery. The old kitchen knives and vise grips are gettin’ a bit hard to sterilize these days. Thanks. Oh, and where’s that cold Pabst Cheif Scott ordered for me? My glass is getting a bit empty. * * * “There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ ---
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/35 "1999-12-13T12:17:00Z")
Santa, Please don’t drink and drive your moped like you did the first time you came to my home, a home far away from here. I saw you ride away in your santa suit from the window. ---
**Author:** ![Santa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@Santa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santa)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/36 "1999-12-13T14:08:00Z")
sunbear, Santas fat ass hasn’t fit on that moped in many, many years. These days I ride around on a big old Harley. I’ll try not to tear your lawn up too bad. Santa * * * ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/37 "1999-12-13T14:14:00Z")
Santa, I’ve been _really_ good this year. What can I expect from you? * * * Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 1999, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/38 "1999-12-13T17:56:00Z")
Santa, I want to snitch on a fellow regular, Zette. She’s been **very** naughty. Don’t give her any presents at all. * * * Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide. Maréchal Lyautey ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 1999, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/39 "1999-12-14T06:25:00Z")
Let’s play ‘which Straight Dope regular is playing S. Claus?’, who registered on Dec 10 & has no Bio [Oh come on, S. Claus HAS a bio, duh, but this one don’t]…hmmm. My guess its a guy. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 1999, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085/40 "1999-12-14T06:35:00Z")
Handy, the cat is already out of the bag. [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/003280.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/003280.html) * * * “There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ho-ho-ho/12085.md?page=3)