# Holidays. Family get-together. The meal is done. Does it bug you that some don't help clean up? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 1, 2017, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102 "2017-01-01T21:48:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/41 "2017-01-04T17:13:43Z")
> [@Mudshark](#): > > As it is now, my grandmother and I cook, and my brother (or sister, if shes there) and I clean up. When I cook myself, I would rather do it myself. I cook the food, its my kitchen, my dishes, I’ll clean them. Everyone else can get the hell out of my kitchen. If someone offers to help, I always make them dry the dishes, since I hate doing that. I host mostly smaller dinner parties-- usually more like 6 people, max. And I’m happy to do the clean-up myself. I’m a bit OCD about how I want things in my house, and it’s easier for me to just do it than to insist other people do it my way. But I think even at a party 2x the size, I’d just as soon take care of things myself. Help clear the table if you like, that’s fine. But I’ll scrape the plates, load the D/W and put whatever wherever myself. I consider that part of being the host. ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/42 "2017-01-04T18:14:58Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > Most women clean up after group meals because they have been trained through constant societal pressure to do so. Some men were either taught to do so as children or reflected as adults on their unfair freeloading behavior and decided to change on their own. And some men . . . not so much. > > My experience is that for most men acting like your brother-in-law, it does not register in the slightest way that other adults are doing the work to create his enjoyment, if women are the adults in question. You better believe that if men were washing the dishes they would ask or tell him to get off his butt and help out. > > Since even oblivious beneficiaries of patriarchy rarely want to be seen as boorish assholes, simply asking them to help, _in front of other men_ can be surprisingly effective. > > As a general rule, making clear explicit requests without adding any subtext is often amazingly successful in getting people to do things cheerfully. Yep, my brother is one of those guys. One of his ex-girlfriends broke up with him because he wouldn’t lift a finger around the house. He still doesn’t get it. When my mom asked him to slice the ham on Christmas, he acted like she had asked him to stage an invasion of France. My mom let him get away with it while he was growing up, so she really shouldn’t be surprised. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/43 "2017-01-04T18:15:35Z")
If I’m the host, then no, I don’t expect help. It will be invariable offered, but I’ve got it thanks. Maybe because I started working at a restaurant at 15, but if I can bus and set tables and wash dishes for 200 people a night I can handle my own kitchen. If you’d like to keep me company while I clean, no prob. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/44 "2017-01-04T18:28:59Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > If I’m the host, then no, I don’t expect help. It will be invariable offered, but I’ve got it thanks. Maybe because I started working at a restaurant at 15, but if I can bus and set tables and wash dishes for 200 people a night I can handle my own kitchen. If you’d like to keep me company while I clean, no prob. The OP is not about whether the host should ask for or accept help from guests. The OP is about that one guest who eases himself into the recliner while everyone else around him is working. mmm ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/45 "2017-01-04T19:59:05Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > The OP is not about whether the host should ask for or accept help from guests. > > The OP is about that one guest who eases himself into the recliner while everyone else around him is working. > mmm If you can’t ask for help, why should it bother you in the least when someone doesn’t help? Mind readers in your family? ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/46 "2017-01-04T20:05:50Z")
If I were a guest at a _truly formal_ dinner party, I would expect the hosts and probably their caterers to clean up. But that’s a dinner I rarely go to. Most are just friends sharing a meal at someone’s house. I’m always glad to help them clean up, but I also feel awkward about it – I don’t know their procedure, and people can get upset if you put a dish in the wrong place, or don’t properly stack things in the proper sequence. So I usually assist, but at a minimal level – carrying dishes to the sink, putting bottles away where I think they might go in the fridge, and hoping I didn’t put them in the wrong shelf. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2017, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/47 "2017-01-04T22:11:23Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > If you can’t ask for help, why should it bother you in the least when someone doesn’t help? Mind readers in your family? I actually don’t think it’s an issue of needing help. If everyone sans one person is working, then that one person’s efforts aren’t absolutely necessary. But it’s bothersome when it’s always the same person who decides to conveniently turn into a special snowflake during clean-up time. To me, it’s like eating in the TV room while everyone else is eating at the dining room table. You’re not a part of the party, so why even come? If everyone is cleaning up, then it’s special snowflake behavior to be the only guy sitting in the TV room. Such a person should just stay home if socializing tires him out that much. It is more complicated when the worker bees and lay-abouts are evenly split. But when it’s a family shinding, seems to me no one should be all that shy about asking if anyone needs help. It’s the “not asking” thing that’s exasperating. Not necessarily the “not helping”. ---
**Author:** ![ASGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/838e76/32.png) [@ASGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/48 "2017-01-05T15:55:56Z")
This is a sore topic for my local sister and I. Family events are at her place because she has the room and table space to take us on. She and her young adult kids will always do the food prep and it’s understood that they are not part of the cleanup crew. Good. But I am of the school that says enjoy the meal, let it start digesting, and get an hour or so of after-meal conversation. _Then_ clean up. So what if some dirty dishes are on the table for an hour? In other words, I won’t start cleanup for a while. My sister has a hard time with that and usually prods her husband into getting things going. I refuse to participate when I think we should be enjoying company first, and clean up second. And when the time comes I’m with **Sahirrnee** in that I will happily help clean up and do dishes but it’s a chore I want to get past so I can return to conversation and company. Doing dishes and conversing are mutually exclusive for me. In fairness to my sister I do occasionally think I’m being a dick for refusing to help, but then, all she has to do is be willing to wait an hour. Hell, if she is willing to wait overnight I’ll clean up everything by myself. That’s the way I used to do it when I hosted family events at my old place. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/49 "2017-01-05T18:15:06Z")
> [@ASGuy](#): > > This is a sore topic for my local sister and I. Family events are at her place because she has the room and table space to take us on. She and her young adult kids will always do the food prep and it’s understood that they are not part of the cleanup crew. Good. > > But I am of the school that says enjoy the meal, let it start digesting, and get an hour or so of after-meal conversation. _Then_ clean up. So what if some dirty dishes are on the table for an hour? In other words, I won’t start cleanup for a while. My sister has a hard time with that and usually prods her husband into getting things going. I refuse to participate when I think we should be enjoying company first, and clean up second. And when the time comes I’m with **Sahirrnee** in that I will happily help clean up and do dishes but it’s a chore I want to get past so I can return to conversation and company. Doing dishes and conversing are mutually exclusive for me. > > In fairness to my sister I do occasionally think I’m being a dick for refusing to help, but then, all she has to do is be willing to wait an hour. Hell, if she is willing to wait overnight I’ll clean up everything by myself. That’s the way I used to do it when I hosted family events at my old place. Sorry, but having all the dirty plates sit on the table for an hour is kind of gross. Maybe compromise and get stuff cleared off right away and then finish the cleanup later. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/50 "2017-01-05T18:33:16Z")
> [@ASGuy](#): > > This is a sore topic for my local sister and I. Family events are at her place because she has the room and table space to take us on. She and her young adult kids will always do the food prep and it’s understood that they are not part of the cleanup crew. Good. > > But I am of the school that says enjoy the meal, let it start digesting, and get an hour or so of after-meal conversation. _Then_ clean up. So what if some dirty dishes are on the table for an hour? In other words, I won’t start cleanup for a while. My sister has a hard time with that and usually prods her husband into getting things going. I refuse to participate when I think we should be enjoying company first, and clean up second. And when the time comes I’m with **Sahirrnee** in that I will happily help clean up and do dishes but it’s a chore I want to get past so I can return to conversation and company. Doing dishes and conversing are mutually exclusive for me. > > In fairness to my sister I do occasionally think I’m being a dick for refusing to help, but then, all she has to do is be willing to wait an hour. Hell, if she is willing to wait overnight I’ll clean up everything by myself. That’s the way I used to do it when I hosted family events at my old place. The price of admission to someone else’s home is following their lead in that home. Would you expect your nude-at-home aunt to strip off at a family gathering b/c that’s how she rolls? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/51 "2017-01-05T18:38:47Z")
> [@ASGuy](#): > > In fairness to my sister I do occasionally think I’m being a dick for refusing to help, but then, all she has to do is be willing to wait an hour. Hell, if she is willing to wait overnight I’ll clean up everything by myself. That’s the way I used to do it when I hosted family events at my old place. From your sister’s perspective, waiting an hour may be too risky because that’s when everyone starts leaving. If you want someone to help with the clean-up, it’s better to ask when everyone is still in a festive mood versus when they’re yawning and ready to go home. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/52 "2017-01-05T18:43:00Z")
> [@Sahirrnee](#): > > I’m the one who usually doesn’t do anything to help. Not because I don’t want to, I’ll be more than happy to clean up if everybody else gets the fuck out. > > I don’t want to talk, I want to get it done. The women in my family tend to gossip while they work together and I hate that shit. I really don’t care to speculate on who is having a problem in their marriage, or if so-and-so is gay, if this one is cheating, or that one can’t have kids. > Not my business. > > If you want my help cleaning up, either talk about something pleasant or shut the hell up. “I won’t help unless everyone talks about what I want them to talk about.” ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/53 "2017-01-05T18:53:37Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > We host a New Years Eve gathering of 12-15 friends and family every year. We had a pretty substantial dinner this year that became a pretty substantial mess very quickly. > > I’ve noticed in the past that my brother-in-law rarely lifts a finger to help clean up. As soon as the meal starts winding down and folks start clearing the table (we had to haul all the dirty dishes and leftovers up a flight of stairs), he gets up from his spot and retires to the comfiest chair in the house. > > I don’t know why this bothered me this year. He is actually a real nice guy, just clueless. He does absolutely nothing by way of food preparation as well. > > So basically, he prepares nothing, arrives, eats, drinks, watches TV, and leaves the work to the rest of us. > > Do you have one of these guys or girls in your family? Anyone ever say anything to them? (I said nothing, didn’t want to mess up an otherwise wonderful evening). > mmm What annoys me is places where they won’t accept any help. I go sometimes to friends or extended family, and I offer to help in cooking, or in cleaning up, and they basically push my aside, saying, “No, you’re the guest.” (Close family is different, there I am not only expected to put in effort, I usually am the one doing the majority of the cooking and directing most of the cleaning.) So, I sit there, watching as other people around me are being productive, and it drives me nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2017, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102/54 "2017-01-05T23:45:01Z")
> [@ASGuy](#): > > But I am of the school that says enjoy the meal, let it start digesting, and get an hour or so of after-meal conversation. _Then_ clean up. I think there may be some confusion as to the extent of the clean-up. I would expect everything to be cleared from the dining area to the kitchen. Washing up can wait, but items should be covered, left to soak, put in the dishwasher or fridge or whatever, rather than be left to smell and attract flies. Or be at the mercy of the household pets. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/holidays-family-get-together-the-meal-is-done-does-it-bug-you-that-some-dont-help-clean-up/776102.md?page=2)