I host mostly smaller dinner parties-- usually more like 6 people, max. And I’m happy to do the clean-up myself. I’m a bit OCD about how I want things in my house, and it’s easier for me to just do it than to insist other people do it my way. But I think even at a party 2x the size, I’d just as soon take care of things myself. Help clear the table if you like, that’s fine. But I’ll scrape the plates, load the D/W and put whatever wherever myself. I consider that part of being the host.
Yep, my brother is one of those guys. One of his ex-girlfriends broke up with him because he wouldn’t lift a finger around the house. He still doesn’t get it. When my mom asked him to slice the ham on Christmas, he acted like she had asked him to stage an invasion of France. My mom let him get away with it while he was growing up, so she really shouldn’t be surprised.
If I’m the host, then no, I don’t expect help. It will be invariable offered, but I’ve got it thanks. Maybe because I started working at a restaurant at 15, but if I can bus and set tables and wash dishes for 200 people a night I can handle my own kitchen. If you’d like to keep me company while I clean, no prob.
If I were a guest at a truly formal dinner party, I would expect the hosts and probably their caterers to clean up.
But that’s a dinner I rarely go to. Most are just friends sharing a meal at someone’s house. I’m always glad to help them clean up, but I also feel awkward about it – I don’t know their procedure, and people can get upset if you put a dish in the wrong place, or don’t properly stack things in the proper sequence. So I usually assist, but at a minimal level – carrying dishes to the sink, putting bottles away where I think they might go in the fridge, and hoping I didn’t put them in the wrong shelf.
I actually don’t think it’s an issue of needing help. If everyone sans one person is working, then that one person’s efforts aren’t absolutely necessary.
But it’s bothersome when it’s always the same person who decides to conveniently turn into a special snowflake during clean-up time.
To me, it’s like eating in the TV room while everyone else is eating at the dining room table. You’re not a part of the party, so why even come? If everyone is cleaning up, then it’s special snowflake behavior to be the only guy sitting in the TV room. Such a person should just stay home if socializing tires him out that much.
It is more complicated when the worker bees and lay-abouts are evenly split. But when it’s a family shinding, seems to me no one should be all that shy about asking if anyone needs help. It’s the “not asking” thing that’s exasperating. Not necessarily the “not helping”.
This is a sore topic for my local sister and I. Family events are at her place because she has the room and table space to take us on. She and her young adult kids will always do the food prep and it’s understood that they are not part of the cleanup crew. Good.
But I am of the school that says enjoy the meal, let it start digesting, and get an hour or so of after-meal conversation. Then clean up. So what if some dirty dishes are on the table for an hour? In other words, I won’t start cleanup for a while. My sister has a hard time with that and usually prods her husband into getting things going. I refuse to participate when I think we should be enjoying company first, and clean up second. And when the time comes I’m with Sahirrnee in that I will happily help clean up and do dishes but it’s a chore I want to get past so I can return to conversation and company. Doing dishes and conversing are mutually exclusive for me.
In fairness to my sister I do occasionally think I’m being a dick for refusing to help, but then, all she has to do is be willing to wait an hour. Hell, if she is willing to wait overnight I’ll clean up everything by myself. That’s the way I used to do it when I hosted family events at my old place.
Sorry, but having all the dirty plates sit on the table for an hour is kind of gross. Maybe compromise and get stuff cleared off right away and then finish the cleanup later.
The price of admission to someone else’s home is following their lead in that home. Would you expect your nude-at-home aunt to strip off at a family gathering b/c that’s how she rolls?
From your sister’s perspective, waiting an hour may be too risky because that’s when everyone starts leaving. If you want someone to help with the clean-up, it’s better to ask when everyone is still in a festive mood versus when they’re yawning and ready to go home.
What annoys me is places where they won’t accept any help.
I go sometimes to friends or extended family, and I offer to help in cooking, or in cleaning up, and they basically push my aside, saying, “No, you’re the guest.” (Close family is different, there I am not only expected to put in effort, I usually am the one doing the majority of the cooking and directing most of the cleaning.)
So, I sit there, watching as other people around me are being productive, and it drives me nuts.
I think there may be some confusion as to the extent of the clean-up. I would expect everything to be cleared from the dining area to the kitchen. Washing up can wait, but items should be covered, left to soak, put in the dishwasher or fridge or whatever, rather than be left to smell and attract flies. Or be at the mercy of the household pets.