# Homer quotes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 12, 2005, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088 "2005-07-12T00:09:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![yastobaal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/258eb7/32.png) [@yastobaal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yastobaal)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/41 "2005-07-12T08:00:36Z")
Homer: Where’s Bart? His dinner’s getting all cold and eaten. ---
**Author:** ![One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/838e76/32.png) [@One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/One_And_Only_Wanderers)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/42 "2005-07-12T08:19:22Z")
in the one where Bart sells his soul, at the restaurant Bart breaks and heads out to confront Milhouse Homer : Bart, you didn’t finish your spaghetti and Moe balls! Homer’s brain : Silence, you fool. It can be ours! Homer : [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy! ---
**Author:** ![One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/838e76/32.png) [@One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/One_And_Only_Wanderers)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/43 "2005-07-12T08:21:10Z")
Oh and another one. I’m just going …out… to stalk Lenny… and Carl the delivery on that one cracks me up. Stonecutter episode on of the best in my book. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/44 "2005-07-12T09:50:06Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > And post 10 was in turn beat by post #2. 😃 Not quite the same, but :smack: nonetheless. And another: “But Marge, it’s not uter-you, it’s uter-us!” ---
**Author:** ![Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/46a35a/32.png) [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walker_in_Eternity)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/45 "2005-07-12T10:34:29Z")
In no particular order “mmmm, pointy” “pull the thing, next to the other thing”, “aargh”. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/46 "2005-07-12T10:48:11Z")
**Marge** Well you should at least _try_ to (blah, blah blah…) **Homer** Hmmp! I don’t know Marge, _trying_ sounds like the first step towards failure. ---
**Author:** ![parthenokinesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/cc9497/32.png) [@parthenokinesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parthenokinesis)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/47 "2005-07-12T13:00:49Z")
Homer: Kids, there’s three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way? Homer: Yeah, but faster! ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/48 "2005-07-12T13:12:27Z")
Stupid Sexy Flanders! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/49 "2005-07-12T13:54:56Z")
“Hello, Marge? I can’t go to the ballet because I’m stuck in two vending machines.” Burns: “Get off my property, or I’ll…” Homer: “Or you’ll what? Or you’ll release the hounds, or the bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?” “Marge, you can’t become a cop, because if you do, then you’ll be the man, which means I’ll be the woman, which means that I’ll have to wear the sexy underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly for comfort purposes.” ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/50 "2005-07-12T14:47:41Z")
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman’s club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it’s a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney’s car eating packets of mustard. You happy? ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/51 "2005-07-12T15:19:33Z")
The thing about Homer is that his wisdom is funny. Stupidity is always funny. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a licensed book of Homer Simpson quotes yet- it would sell. “The Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson” or something like that. I know _I’d_ buy it. These are all paraphrases, but I believe they still keep the original intent of the quotes: You stole something? Didn’t you listen to those sermons at church by that guy- Captain whathisname? And why do you think I took you to all those _Police Academy_ movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I? Oh yeah- stay out of my booze! When I heard Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting like that movie _Spaceballs_. It turns out it’s dull and repetitive like that movie _Police Academy_. I saw this in a movie about a bus that was **speed** ing around a city, and it had to keep its **speed** up, because if its **speed** went under 55, it would explode. I think it was called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.” Homer: I’m really into these Hardy Boys books. This one’s about smugglers. Bart: Dad, they’re _all_ about smugglers. Homer: Not this one- _The Smugglers of Pirate’s Cove._ It’s about pirates. Symbols of love…a postcard to Marge from the Duff Brewery (written in drunken handwriting): Maybe it’s the beer talking Marge, but yours is a butt that won’t quit. They’ve got these giant pretzels here and _-_–\_---- five bucks? Get outta here! Symbols of ex-love…the perfect way to break up with someone in letter form, according to Homer: Three simple words: I am gay! The essential Homerisms. Homer at his happiest: Mmm…beer. Mmm…donuts. (or whatever he’s craving) Homer at his luckiest: Woo-hoo! And of course, Homer at his angriest: D’oh! Homer: Everybody into the pool! Amish fellow: That’s a fine looking barn you’ve got there. But it’s no pool. Homer: D’oheth! ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/52 "2005-07-12T15:23:05Z")
> [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > You were beat to it in post 10. And both of you were beaten by post 2. As for _our_ Homer’s reading habits, he follows the three R’s: reading _TV Guide_, writing to _TV Guide_, and, um…renewing _TV Guide_. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/53 "2005-07-12T15:33:45Z")
Something along the lines of: “…oooh, they have the internet on computers now!” ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/54 "2005-07-12T15:39:36Z")
Bart: You never come to any of my soccer games! Homer: I _told_ you - I find them _boring_! ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/55 "2005-07-12T15:42:51Z")
> [@mobo85](#): > > And both of you were beaten by post 2. Which post 40 pointed out before you did. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/56 "2005-07-12T15:43:38Z")
> [@mobo85](#): > > And both of you were beaten by post 2. And you were beaten on saying THAT by post #40. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/57 "2005-07-12T15:44:39Z")
Who’s gonna do it. . . ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/58 "2005-07-12T15:52:40Z")
Maaax Power, he’s the man With the name you’d love to touch! But you musn’t tooooouch! His name sounds good in your ear, But when you hear it, you musn’t fear! Cuz his name can be said by anyone!" Same ep: Some guy: “Great name, by the way” Homer/Max Power: “Thanks, I got it from my wife’s hair dryer” ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/59 "2005-07-12T16:06:38Z")
I always love the aftermath of Homer’s talk about the birds and the bees. So I says top the guy “Oh yeah? you want your money… well come an get it 'cause I don’t have it ya baloney! You make me wanna wretch!” (passes out) Or his love letter to Marge Dear Marge, Maybe it’s the beer talking but you got a butt that won’t quit. They got those big chewy pretzles here (scribble scribble scribble) FIVE DOLLARS??? get outta here… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088/60 "2005-07-12T16:12:05Z")
There’s no air in space. Homer: There’s an air ‘n’ space museum. The one I work into conversation at least once a day: He did it because he’s stupid. That’s the only reason anybody does anything. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/homer-quotes/312088.md?page=4)