# Hostile people and the concept of friendship **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2016, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961 "2016-12-05T21:04:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/1 "2016-12-05T21:04:56Z")
I have removed this matter from another thread in order to give it a proper venue. The person I had taken to the Museum of Tolerance had in fact a very unsatisfactory attitude on the subject of tolerance. I had hoped that, given her Jewish heritage, she would take the emphasis on the Holocaust to heart and realize how wrong her own attitudes of intolerance were. Sad to say, we had subsequent encounters in which she showed that she had not learned anything. As time passed my contacts with her became fewer and fewer; I have not seen her at all in about four years. I doubt she has mellowed in all that time. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/2 "2016-12-05T21:11:55Z")
I doubt she’s given it a second thought in four years. Whereas you… ---
**Author:** ![justanothermike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c2a13f/32.png) [@justanothermike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justanothermike)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/3 "2016-12-05T21:13:28Z")
People mature at their own rates. Some never quite do in certain areas of their lives. You can’t make people believe, think, or feel differntly. I don’t know who she was intolerant toward, but maybe there was a reason for it that could help you understand why she felt that way. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/4 "2016-12-05T21:37:52Z")
A short time after the visit to the museum we were in a car in a post office parking lot. She was displeased at the way another driver, who was black, maneuvered his car, and used a racial epithet. He watched us when we went to park and followed us into the post office lobby. She was lucky I was with her because of how big and husky I am; but just the same, he bawled her out for what she said. After we left, I gave her a severe dressing-down of my own, in the car; she did not show any remorse at all. It’s as if she is immune to criticism of any kind, and I have become more and more disappointed in her. ---
**Author:** ![justanothermike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c2a13f/32.png) [@justanothermike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justanothermike)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/5 "2016-12-05T21:44:18Z")
Why be disappointed in her, lingering for years? She showed you who she was. All that would be left would be for you to believe it, and figure out whether you can tolerate that part of her yourself. People are flawed. You have to decide what flaws you can be around. You can’t change people. The only people that believe they can change others are narcissists and religious zealots like Jeh…aww, nevermind. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2016, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/6 "2016-12-06T14:12:15Z")
If you are very close to someone, you sometimes can nudge them towards more tolerance (or whatever). That rarely happens when you yell at them, however. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2016, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/7 "2016-12-06T21:44:27Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > If you are very close to someone, you sometimes can nudge them towards more tolerance (or whatever). That rarely happens when you yell at them, however. Absolutely. I have an unexpectedly loud voice, but I don’t deliberately shout unless provoked; she is, however sometimes quite intransigent; and I have a hot temper, which I don’t always control properly. Since I don’t like being provoked I don’t keep company with her any more. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2017, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/8 "2017-10-06T22:09:35Z")
I had brief contact with her again, this summer. Because of other commitments I now have I could not maintain contact with her the way I used to. I then tried to tell her I would have to be somewhat delayed this way: I used a line from an old Three Stooges trading card, “Rome wasn’t burned in a day.” She responded with anger to that and signed off–she is moving out of state (not because of my quote). ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2017, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hostile-people-and-the-concept-of-friendship/773961/9 "2017-10-07T01:18:36Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > I had brief contact with her again, this summer. Because of other commitments I now have I could not maintain contact with her the way I used to. I then tried to tell her I would have to be somewhat delayed this way: I used a line from an old Three Stooges trading card, “Rome wasn’t burned in a day.” She responded with anger to that and signed off–she is moving out of state (not because of my quote). Maybe she should take you to the Museum of She’s Just Not That Into You.