House Hunting Duds

In My Humble Opinion
21

Oh geez, how could I forget Petting Zoo House? This was a large, beautiful, virtually brand new house with all the amenities. The pictures were gorgeous, and at least from the outside (we didn’t go in), the house itself actually did live up to it. The problem? Directly next door, over a 4’ chain link fence, was a fully operational petting zoo. And an incredibly filthy one at that.

That was before Google Streetview existed. Now, we always make a point of checking out the Streetview to see the surrounding area before going to a house in person. It’s not foolproof, but it does help a lot…

22

The Nuthin’ Says Lovin’ Like Something From The Oven House: Nice ranch house, big media room, attached garage, low property taxes. Besides the asking price which was about three times what I had budgeted, there were only two problems with it - the neighborhood meth lab was next door (strong smell of ether when the wind was right), and when I opened the oven door in the kitchen to look inside, the beady little eyes of two mummified gerbils stared back at me.

23

The Little People House - went to see one that was owned by a rather petite Filipino woman. There was a pool in the back (good) and a huge, length of the house, wooden roof over the patio. Normally, that might be a good thing, but it was no higher than 5 feet and I couldn’t stand up and had to crouch under that huge patio roof.
She also had a dining room nook with three walls and no windows - fair enough - but she had put up full length mirrors totally covering each of the three walls. It was like sitting in a fun house and all that was missing was a clown.

24

Marble House - whoever owned the place was obviously getting good deals on marble tile and slabs of marble because every single floor in the entire house was marble tile, except the bathroom, in which every surface - walls, ceiling, floor, countertops - was covered in black marble. I can almost see that much tile in a warm climate, but in New England?

Poop House - We arrived around 1:20 for a 1pm-3pm Open House. We walked in, wandered around for a couple of minutes wondering where the real estate agent was. She emerged from the hall bathroom, followed by a powerful stench. The smell of poop wafted through the entire place while we looked it over. Other people coming in for the open house seemed to notice it too. We left quickly.

Central AC House - The owner had installed central AC, which sounds nice, except this house was built around 1920 and the owner had apparently decided notto disturb the original plaster walls and ceilings to build in the duct work, and had instead just run shiny aluminum ducts through the corners and along the ceilings of the rooms. I can’t imagine how noisy that must have been while the AC was running.

25

I can’t remember most of the duds, but one stands out: The Handcuff House.

Most of the furniture in The Handcuff House was removed long before the owner listed it for sale. But there was a dirty cot in one of the back bedrooms, which was weird, but not a dealbreaker. Then we opened the closet door and there was a single fur-lined handcuff hanging from the bar. My wife and I mouthed “Holy shit!” to each other and backed out of the room and then the house.

26

We bought our first house this past summer. It took all of one day of looking to find it, but even then we ran into a dud. When we got out of the car, I pointed and said to my wife, “There’s a cat on the lawn.” Then, “Oh, there’s another.” And then we spotted a third. Then a fourth climbed out of the hole in the house next door. (This is in a city so houses can be quite close by. I think the gap between the houses, if it existed at all, was a few feet.)

By then the cat urine odor hit. In the two minutes we spent discussing how horrible it was and how it didn’t matter how nice the house was, being next to the cat house was enough that we weren’t going inside, we saw at least eight different cats.

27

We’ve seen some zingers in our years of moves. In no particular order:

Includes Efficiency Apartment - As we were shopping for our first house after getting married, this caught our eye. Seemed like a good way to help manage the mortgage, right? Well, the house was OK - nothing special. The “efficiency apartment” was little more than a shed that had a sink and electricity. It was being used for storage, and was so cramped, I seriously doubt that one could fit a bed in there.

The Deer Butt House - This place advertised a huge bonus room over the 2-car garage, and it was a nice, big room. But as you came down the stairs from that room, you came face-to-ummmmm ass with a stuffed and mounted deer butt, tail up. Real classy.

The Dead Animal House - we actually bought this one because we were able to look beyond the 3 stuffed and mounted bears, the fox, several game birds, numerous fish, at least one deer head, and the huge stain covering half of the dining room ceiling. The upstairs water heater had leaked and caused the stain. It had been replaced and had a pan installed under it, but the sellers couldn’t be bothered to slap some paint on the ceiling. Oh yeah, the seller was a builder, so he had access to painters… It was a really nice house, but we got a super deal on it, and I suspect the numerous dead animals and the ceiling stain scared off many buyers.
**
The Steep Stairway House** - I’m not a fan of split-foyer homes, and this one had a super-steep flight up to the second floor. It looked like the folks who had it built wanted a really big master suite, so it was expanded past the centerline of the house, shrinking the two front bedrooms to teensy-tiny, and forcing the stairs to be almost ladder-like.

The Rednecks-At-Home House - We had an appointment and showed up at the set time only to find the family elected to just hang out while we looked. We were followed around by the lady of the house, which prevented me from making some snarky observations about the decor. Yeah, juvenile of me, but as soon as we walked in, I was pretty sure, the place would suck. The house supposedly had 2 master suites, but one was just a bed in the basement over a black and white checkerboard tiled floor - real classy. And in one of the bedrooms, an adult female was sitting on the bed, watching TV, smoking. Yeah, also classy. Then there were all the guys hanging out in the back - I didn’t even want to see what was out there.

Even the place we’re in now didn’t show well at all, but at this stage, we’ve owned so many houses and tromped thru so many, we knew how to look beyond the tacky decor to the bones of the house. When we saw this place, it had, among other things, yellow and orange shag carpet in the “wood paneled” den, orange and yellow with black mushrooms contac paper on the upper part of the kitchen walls and fake brick veneer on the lower part, 35 blue-veined mirrored tiles in the dining room, framed like a big, tacky mirror, 45 gold veined mirrored tiles serving as the headboard of the master bed, office-style shades-of-blue carpet in the living room, dining room, and hall, gold carpet in the master, red in the middle bedroom, and grass green in the smallest bedroom. In the basement was the carpet that used to be installed upstairs - 2 or 3 layers thick, depending upon where you stood. Oh, and we can’t forget the concrete deer with the broken ear on the front lawn. And so much more… I have pictures. :eek: But it’s a great house and we’ve redone the whole place to bring it out of 1975.

28

We had to pass on a house with a similar driveway, but shorter (about 40 feet long). My wife tried to drive her old van up and decided she couldn’t deal with it.

Then there was the suicide house. We had our offer accepted and then we received the disclosures, which revealed that the owner’s brother had slit his wrists in his bedroom because he was hearing voices (he died in the hospital, not in the house). Too risky (we had kids already) so we backed out of the deal.

29

I went in to a TH with a listing description of “recently renovated and move in ready!”
Um, the walls were visibly dirty, the appliances were at least 10 old and the carpet was a mess. Then we went upstairs. The Master Bedroom ceiling was on the floor! My agent and I turned around, went back outside and my agent called the listing agent to tell them to take the house off the market.

30

One house had a fenced back yard, in which two LARGE dogs lived. We were looking at houses in March, and the backyard was nothing but a mud pit. All the screens on the windows that overlooked the backyard were shredded as well.

Then there was the “every room is covered in wallpaper with really ugly borders on top” house. Yeah, we’re lazy and didn’t to pull it down. There was the “straight out of the 60s” house, which wasn’t the bad part. After we noticed the lovely 12" - 18" high “border” of black mold around the baseboards in the utility room, we glanced downstairs at the perfectly beautifully clean basement. Then we noticed the 18" of standing water! We saw a combo smoking/too many cats house.

31

Best Evah;

Back in 1991 when I was looking at houses, I looked at perhaps 60 before finding the right one. But about a month previous to finding mine, I looked at one about a block away on an open house.

Good yard. Check.
Nice ground floor. Check.
Pretty nice upstairs, if a little wonky on layout. Sorta-check.

I walk past the real estate agent and into the basement.

There is, quite literally, a very large (from a large dog) pile of dog shit every 2-3 feet over the entire basement floor. Had to be not just dozens, but scores of large piles. Didn’t stink like it should have, but the windows were open and they’d probably sprayed well.

I walk back up, go to the REA and say “You haven’t been downstairs, have you.”

“No, why?”
“Oh, just go down and take a look”

He comes back up and announces that the Open House is now closed.

32

You know, I’ve looked at a number of houses where the owners stayed while we looked, and it has never turned out well. One time, we apparently showed up in the middle of a family reunion. Awkward. Another time, the owner shared with us the story of how her dog had cancer and only had a few days left to live. We both love animals, so it was very sad for us even though we didn’t know the person or the dog. Neither house was particularly impressive. One was filthy, the other was clean enough but pretty run down.

I’m not sure if it’s just because the types of owners who choose to stay home during showings also don’t tend to keep the types of houses we’d want to buy, or maybe we just have bad luck. But I’m getting to the point where I usually won’t even bother if I hear the owner is going to be there, unless the place looks absolutely killer.

33

Yeah, the owner should never be there when the house is showing. It might be a huge pain in the butt, but that’s part of the game when you’re selling a house.

I can’t think of any particular bad house that we saw when we were looking - one that stands out a bit was a townhouse I saw way back when; it was filthy and smoke-filled, and complete with the occupant and her son lounging on the sofas, smoking. I actually offered on that house, since I thought it had potential, but I offered way under asking because of the condition, and the owner came back with pretty much asking price, so I walked away.

34

My family picked a fixer-upper built by the non-pro owner. It was 30 miles from the nearest town, three neighbors, no landscaping at all. We missed or dismissed so much when viewing the house, it wasn’t funny.

We moved in and started to notice the problems, like no straight angles and a small hill in the kitchen. Remaindered seventies fixtures and such. Louvered doors were required to get in some rooms. You entered the house through the only bathroom.

We even managed to notice the biggest problem. No telephone! This was before even giant cell phones were conceived much less sold so the only communication would have to be smoke signals.

It took a decade but it was a really nice place when we moved. Still no phone.

35

Dead Animal House II
We found what seemed to be a great house. Five wooded acres, right outside NYC. House in the middle of the lot, not right up against the front. Blah blah blah. Great. Let’s go see it!

We get there, and every single wall had multiple animal mounts. Bathroom? Heads. Kitchen? Heads. Hallways? You betcha; heads. Bedroom? More heads. Closets? Do you need to ask? Heads.
Heads.
Heads.
Heads.
Big heads.
Little heads.
Mammal heads.
Bird heads.
Fish heads (both rolly and polly).
Deer heads.
Elk heads.
Bear heads.
Moose heads.
Unidentified heads.
Heads.
Heads.
**Heads! **

Everywhere you looked … disembodied heads. Head city. Headopolis. Headtown. Headland. Headsylvania.

Okay, so the owner liked to hunt. Maybe we could get over it and just deal with the need to do a lot of spackling. But the owner was there. And among other things he pointed out to us, was that most of the heads came from the property itself.

Both Mrs. Devil and I were horrified at the prospect of waking up in the middle of the night to a tap tap tap at the window. Turning on the light revealed the Lovecraftian horror of a deer looking for its head … us screaming and trying to get out of the house as several headless, pissed off, and very creepy squirrels came up the staircase in some macabre tribute to David Lynch. Our final hope to get out the window blocked by a flock of unmoving and unsympathetic birds; their glassy eyes just staring at us…

We didn’t buy the place.

36

These are from when my sister in law was scouting houses, wedding upcoming. Since the whole courtship had taken place in her hometown but they were moving to ours, Mom and I tagged along so we’d be able to advise on neighborhoods. SiL’s married BFF came as well.

The Little Mermaid’s: it was the size which would normally be a 3B1b, but had been turned into a 2B1b. We’d thought this would mean larger bedrooms and a large living/dining room, but no: it meant a humongous bathroom with a freestanding shower, washbasins in two corners (?) and an extra-large Jacuzzi. After we left SiL, who back then took two daily exactly-five-minutes-long showers, pondered out loud why the hell would anybody want a Jacuzzi. The two married women looked at each other, giggled and told her “you really do need more imagination,” while I did my best to look like I had no idea what were they talking about. Still, definitely not what we’d expected…

The Open Kitchen: the ad said “American kitchen”, which in Spain is code for “there is a sort of window between the kitchen and the living/dining room”. Nope. As you entered the veeeeery long flat, the tiny bathroom was on your right, then there was a sort of widening of the hallway which was the kitchen, then a long-and-narrow bedroom, then the master bedroom - which had no door. As BFF put it, “gotta love waking up to the smell of the eggs you fried last night.”

37

Hm, there was the FSBO house - the basement had been finished, reasonably well. But to get to it, you opened a door in the living room. To your right was a staircase to the basement. To your left was a toilet and a sink. There was a curtain hanging at the top of the stairs to protect your modesty, at least. Our agent said it was the only house he had ever seen whose value could have been improved by taking out a bathroom.

Then there was the white trash house. We came to the open house with our agent. The place was, well, not filthy, but not exactly clean, either. The back fence was falling off the fence posts - they could have made it look good with two nails, but they hadn’t bothered. We were inside for less than five minutes before our agent started hustling us out. As we got back to his car, I wondered out loud why they hadn’t at least fixed the fence. Our agent told me, “It’s because these people are trash, Elizabeth, TRASH!” :eek:

He called me the next day to apologize, and blamed it on just having started Atkins. But it’s given us a great tagline in the ensuing 12 years.

38

– The You Are Going To Have Kids Whether You Want Them Or Not houses. Years ago, our realtor showed my ex-wife and I many houses where the kitchen and living room were basically one, “so you can keep an eye on the kids as they do their homework.” We repeatedly told her that we had no kids, were not planning to have any kids; and in desperation, we told her that frankly, we hated kids. We wanted a separate kitchen and dining area. But she wouldn’t listen. “Oh you say that now, but you’ll change your minds.” So we saw many houses she deemed lovely, but which had kitchens overlooking the living room. We bought the one she didn’t think we’d like: it had a living/dining area separate from the kitchen. Why couldn’t or wouldn’t she listen to us?

39

I fired my first real estate agent for the just that reason after looking at about 20 houses. She was constantly showing me houses about 20%-30% over my budget despite me saying each and every time that I could not afford it.

I have a saying;

Professionals work for you
If they don’t work for you
Find Another.

40

Best $350 I ever spent…

Inspected a house we were going to buy. I received a phone call from the inspector when I was at work asking me to come down…uh oh.

Turns out the house had major structure damage. In essense, the house was ‘totalled’ but the owner had done a really good job of hiding it.