My late husband and I were a Household A, except we enjoyed the work we did together around our place so that was playtime to us. Our tasks were divided equally with each doing the things they preferred to the greatest extent possible – but either of us would pitch in and help the other if circumstances required it. It was easy, and we never quarreled about a division of labor.
I had a Household B for a short time a few years ago with a man whom I dated and who then moved in with me. Too late, I learned he was a hard worker – just not for us as a couple. He had a very demanding family of which he was the only able-bodied male, so he was “on-call” for his elderly parents and 4 sisters at all times. They called a lot. He worked, but didn’t earn enough to contribute much to our household income. I didn’t really mind that.
But he had the mistaken notion that because I work from home, I was “idle” and therefore expected me to be the one responsible for… well, everything. He left for his work every morning after a good breakfast and with a nice packed lunch, returned home in time for dinner. I continued doing what I had already been doing before he came along: Took care of my home, my property, my animals, did all the errands and marketing and earned most of the money. He pretended we had a traditional family arrangement where he went off to work everyday to be a “provider.” It was a complete sham.
One day he came home and something wasn’t done that he felt should be done… I don’t even remember what it was. He asked, “What did you do all day, anyway?” I realized at that point he had broken with reality and actually believed he was the money guy, which entitled him to make whatever demands he wished. I wordlessly gathered up the couple of dozen checks from my clients awaiting deposit and let them flutter into his lap. Then I asked him to move out.
When I evaluate what is fair I base it on what the person is capable of. So if they are disabled, like Broomstick’s husband, there are different expectations. Obviously he’s not necessarily carrying around 80lb bags of concrete to redo the driveway. But he may be doing other things within his capability. And that is perfectly reasonable.
Yes. In fact, after the first few times, I actually had him show me his “proper” way to do things, on an unloaded dishwasher. It was exactly how I did it. I then made a point to load the dishwasher the next time it needed to be done. I did it exactly how “we” did it, and sure enough, he went behind me, ten minutes later, and messed with it again.
I think it was just a control issue. He was really odd in that respect. He always wanted to be in control, but he also would talk about how he wanted to be taken care of, be a house husband, etc.
Exactly. I don’t need anyone to take care of me, so having someone else in my life is for the pure enjoyment of it. It’s about enhancing one another’s lives to the extent that is possible for each, about showing that you actually care what life is like for the other person – and making it better.
Friends Jack and Jill live together, split the rent 50 50. They rent a small apartment for about a thousand bucks a month. Another friend Mary needs a place to stay. Apartment’s small, but they figure they save money by splitting the rent 3 ways. This is fine at first, then a few months later she loses her job. Jack and Jill then work out an arrangement- Mary work as their ‘housekeeper’, buy groceries (with money provided for her) and cook meals. She has all day to do these tasks and plenty of time left over to look for a new job.
This falls through after a few months. See, Jack thought he could salvage the situation- he’s not saving on rent but having Mary do all the cleaning and errands saves them time. Except she’s not keeping up with her end of the bargain. The apartment is a mess because Mary gets mad her roommates aren’t cleaning up after themselves. She feels entitled to the majority of the food and is prone to drinking all the milk because she buys all the groceries ( with money Jack gives her to pay for them). She cooks…for herself and her friends then whines she’s too tired when her roommates come home later that night ( from their JOBS). She spends all day playing Ragnarok Online instead of looking for a job. And she blew her ‘emergency fund’ check that Jack left her to go meet some guy she met online that lived three states away (ended up getting catfished, imagine the 22yo woman’s surprise when her sweety turned out was barely 13!)
So in their case, having Mary do all these things in lieu of rent wasn’t worth it. They should’ve just told her she needed to come up with 330 bucks or move out.
I’d say that any situation where anyone" sits on their ass and does nothing" is not a good one. Is there really anyone who thinks differently?
When my boyfriend and I had discussed living together / getting married one day, I expressed concern that he doesn’t earn a regular paycheck. He’s a contractor and his work load is hit and miss. Granted, he makes a lot of money when does have a job but it can be three weeks between gigs. His answer is that while I worked and earned a regular salary, he would take care of all the house projects (construction wise, not things like laundry and cooking). Just no.
Is this a situation where the story is true but the names have been changed to protect the innocent?
My lease is up next month, and my current roommate told me that he couldn’t afford the price increase. He works at a non-profit and has odd hours at low pay. Since I really didn’t want to move, I proposed a similar arrangement, where I would pay the full increase, if he would take over the majority of the household duties - laundry, dishes, etc., since I was usually too tired at the end of the day to do them.
The big concern was how to quantify the work expected, and if he would keep up his end of the bargain. Some friends expressed concern that it would lead to issues and resentment on both our parts. Luckily(?), a few days later, he admitted that even if the rent was the same, he couldn’t afford it, as he’d been getting assistance from his parents to help with the rent. (He was a student during the first part of this current lease’s term, and so he couldn’t work full-time)
So, TL;DR, we’re moving and while it is probably for the best (my portion of the rent will be $100 cheaper), I kinda wish I had my own butler.
Years ago when my husband talked of retiring I would say “I never get to retire, I’m a housewife”. Well now we are retired, I say we because he retired me. I cook, load the dishwasher and do the laundry. He cleans house, makes the bed and unloads the dishwasher. Fortunately the snow removal is done for us, so he doesn’t have to shovel snow. It makes our retirement very comfy, and how lucky I am to have chosen so well at such a young age.
I assume we’re excluding the obvious cases like where the person doing nothing is a baby, or an invalid, or something like that? Although that brings up the question of how old, or how physically able, a person should be to be expected to contribute to a household.
I will never have that kind of relationship, ever. You live with me, you work at a job full-time. I don’t really care WHAT someone does, but they’d better be working at least 40 hours a week.
Let me introduce you to my Idiot Brother and his wife, who are living with my dad, rent-free, and have been for about five years. This time. (Idiot brother has managed to live on his own, with cash infusions as needed, including for repeated trips to jail, for a total of maybe six years overall.)
Idiot Brother chooses to behave in a way that makes him lose jobs repeatedly. Wife is the same. They don’t support brother’s kid (my father pays for kid’s education, clothes, medical care, and ADHD treatment). They “can’t afford” rent, “can’t afford” a vehicle for my brother, but he can afford to eat out every day (which, if you add it up, equals a monthly payment on a used vehicle!).
IMO a number of people who sit on their ass all day need to sleep on a park bench for a while and get smacked with some reality. Including my Idiot Brother and his wife.
Oh, and here’s the best part.
Idiot Brother is a self-described Libertarian. He’ll get a dose of that when my parents pass away, because the cushioning influence of Dad will be gone, and Bro will need to actually work for what he wants.
The OP mentioned roommate-renters. That is what I was referring to–a household that is defined by the business transaction, not affection for one another.
Well of course we are. Who refers to babies or invalids as “sitting on their ass and doing nothing” ?
For the purpose of this thread, though I don’t want to speak for the OP, I’d consider anyone who is physically able to be expected to contribute in some way, and if you’re old enough to earn a paycheck(I think that’s usually 15?) you need tp get out and do so.
I was taking about lots of arrangements- roommates, couples, families, etc. Whether they rented or not wasn’t the main point, but rather having a group of people who all work, be it a job, school, or parenthood. If everybody is busy with some task through the day, I think it’s easier to keep things fair. But if one person doesn’t have any obligations or is adrift for reasons it is harder for them to do the ‘equivalent’ share.
Generally this is more noticible with roommates renting. But it can also happen with more intimate groups too.
And I also believe a person can be a great, hardworking employee but without a job be a total layabout. Because again, doing the equivalent of a full time job is hard to do fairly.
Since our oldest was born, 23 years ago, my husband has been a stay -at -home dad. He has done all the cooking, shopping, yard work, majority of the cleaning, and lots of home repair, maintenance and remodeling jobs, in addition to the child care, volunteering at school and parent- volunteer jobs for kids activities. I have worked full time but I know he has worked much harder than I have. My job is to be the money provider but I consider his job to have the same level of importance and value to our lives.
Being a “homemaker” in the true sense IS work - if one partner works outside the home and the other maintains the home - cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. - then the division can be equitable. But that means the stay-at-home really does do chores.
It’s when someone stays at home and expects to be waited on hand and foot that it gets to be a problem.
I mean, hell, my disabled spouse manages to scrub the toilet, bag the garbage, and help out with dinner. He’ll shop, too, but sometimes he needs help with heavy items. And he’s still trying to find a way to bring in a little money despite his limitations. If he can do that an able-bodied person should be contributing at least that much, right?
This is fresh in my mind because of a PBS story that landed in my Facebook feed.
Are there any men out there who will readily admit that they refuse to co-parent, don’t do any work at home, etc. and are proud of it? I have never seen a post on a message board from a man who did, although over the years I’ve known or worked with a few men who had that attitude, and then they were totally clueless when their marriages broke up and they “weren’t allowed” to see kids that they never gave a crap about when they lived with them.
See my post 22 in this same thread. I’ve also known quite a few men like those you describe; they sincerely had no idea why their wives had eventually kicked them out, but would deride other men who were capable of, say, buying different wines and cheeses every week to take home and try over the weekend (we were in France and went back to Spain every weekend).
But did they brag about how they neglected their families?
On a related note, it’s common knowledge that addiction isn’t fun, but it seems that gambling addicts in particular, whether they are male or female, are as addicted to the carnage their addiction creates as they are to gambling itself.
