# How about I just have my kids stop writing thank you notes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 29, 2014, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449 "2014-12-29T16:52:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2014, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/21 "2014-12-29T23:25:37Z")
Thank you note from children for a Christmas gift?!? AYFKM??? This is their time, it is a time for children to receive because of who they are, the thank you pays ahead, decades later, to their children. If the adult desires a thankyou note that is their issue that should not be spread to your children. If they can not give without strings attached then perhaps they should not give on Christmas because they are not actually giving. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2014, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/22 "2014-12-29T23:50:46Z")
> [@carlotta](#): > > My post was a cry a frustration (after arguing with kids about writing thank you note for gifts they didn’t care about). This is a really good point right here. If your aunt is sending them gifts they don’t want or don’t care for, it’s really hard to make them send thank you notes when it feels like they are lying about liking their gifts. Is there a way for you to gently suggest that your aunt send them magazine subscriptions or gift cards to the bookstore or someplace? That way, at least if she’s going to send gifts, the kids will like them. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2014, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/23 "2014-12-29T23:59:57Z")
Well, there is another choice. Dont argue with the kids. Tell them they have a choice: Either no more gift from Auntie,\*\* or\*\* Thank you cards. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/24 "2014-12-30T00:11:50Z")
> [@carlotta](#): > > I hate the gift giving aspect of Christmas. I hate having to pay for the gifts. I hate choosing the gifts, especially since I might be wasting my money on something the person doesn’t want but is socially obligated to act grateful for. > > I also hate getting gifts. Almost every gift mostly fills me with the thought “how long do I have to keep this before I can get rid of it without the giver noticing?”, but gifts to my children are one more level of pain in the ass because I have to make them write thank you notes, which will only encourage the gift givers. > > There is one aunt left who sends my (16, 14, 9 yr. old) kids gifts. I cannot figure out any way to ask her stop without hurting her feelings and damaging our relationship. > > Perhaps if I just stop making my kids write thank you notes she will be discouraged? But then she will also think I am raising my kids wrong, still have her feelings hurt, and our relationship may still be damaged, though probably only at a simmering, never-spoken-of way. I am perhaps the biggest Scrooge ever, but even I know that gift receiving is about the giver not myself. I say thanks, and if I do not like it I can donate to charity or exchange for something I do want. I send a quick text or email as a thank you. You feel free to raise your kids however you want but I choose to teach mine to at least call and say thank you. As for giving gifts I also loathe it and have begun exclusively giving gift cards except to my husband. He bought the majority of presents for the kids this year so he deserved more than a gift card 😉 ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/25 "2014-12-30T00:13:02Z")
> [@papergirl](#): > > As a mother who is sadly lax about sending thank you notes (or making the kids send them) I can tell you that your strategy won’t get dear Aunty to quit sending gifts. She will still send gifts; she will just be upset and tell everyone that your children and you no longer appreciate her efforts. I hear this every year from my mother–not about my kids, because they make her feel appreciated, but about the other family kids who “don’t even bother to pick up the phone or send a thank you EVER in all these years.” This can lead to hard feelings for…well, forever. > Eonwe made a good point, and I try to remember it when elderly friends want to give me gifts: sometimes giving is a social need, and it’s really important to the giver to be allowed to give a gift because of the way it makes her feel…even if you really don’t need those soup cups or odd socks. 🙂 Thanking someone for a gift you didn’t want, to me, is more or less a textbook example of being phony. Aren’t we supposed to be cultivating honesty in relationships? Grandma, I don’t need any more quilts. Thanks for your honest effort to help, but I really have too many. Have you considered giving some quilts to the local charity? ---
**Author:** ![Rick\_Kitchen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rick_kitchen/32/522_2.png) [@Rick\_Kitchen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick_Kitchen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/26 "2014-12-30T00:31:38Z")
> [@carlotta](#): > > I hate the gift giving aspect of Christmas. I hate having to pay for the gifts. I hate choosing the gifts, especially since I might be wasting my money on something the person doesn’t want but is socially obligated to act grateful for. > > I also hate getting gifts. Almost every gift mostly fills me with the thought “how long do I have to keep this before I can get rid of it without the giver noticing?”, but gifts to my children are one more level of pain in the ass because I have to make them write thank you notes, which will only encourage the gift givers. > > There is one aunt left who sends my (16, 14, 9 yr. old) kids gifts. I cannot figure out any way to ask her stop without hurting her feelings and damaging our relationship. > > Perhaps if I just stop making my kids write thank you notes she will be discouraged? But then she will also think I am raising my kids wrong, still have her feelings hurt, and our relationship may still be damaged, though probably only at a simmering, never-spoken-of way. Do you go by Scrooge or Grinch in another life? Get over yourself, your needs and wants are not the dominant force in the lives of other people. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/27 "2014-12-30T00:55:07Z")
> [@papergirl](#): > > As a mother who is sadly lax about sending thank you notes (or making the kids send them) I can tell you that your strategy won’t get dear Aunty to quit sending gifts. She will still send gifts; she will just be upset and tell everyone that your children and you no longer appreciate her efforts. I hear this every year from my mother… One of the things that my mother kept on emphasizing was that our own feelings are our own responsibility. So if you keep sending gifts and continue to be upset over the fact that you aren’t receiving thank you notes, your upset-ness is your own fault. People don’t make you upset, you allow yourself to become upset because of your own ideas. So the problem is on Aunty - if she can’t rectify the situation, then essentially she is having emotional issues and Needs Help ™. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/28 "2014-12-30T01:55:17Z")
The point of sending thank-yous is the gratitude. Reinforcing that simultaneously with an onerous\* obligation actually negatively reinforces the gratitude (IMO, of course). I think it’s better parenting to focus on conveying the message. The manner of conveyance is ir-fuckin-relevant. And there’s nothing wrong with picking up the phone and saying “Thanks for the awesome toy, Aunty Agnes, love you!” As children, my sister and I spent half of every Christmas morning on the phone with relatives to thank them for the awesome &crap they gave us that year. That’s all my mom asked of us, and it didn’t seem too much to give. And, aside from the random bouts of swearing, I’m still an incredibly gracious person. \*You might say it’s not that hard to send a letter. I don’t know about you, but I don’t keep spare envelopes and stamps in my home. If Aunty doesn’t do e-mail, then she can take my phone call or nothing at all. And I’m alright with that–you can be, too! ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/29 "2014-12-30T02:10:39Z")
Family newsletter: “Any gifts intended for the **carlotta** family please give in the form of a donation to X charity.” Whether they actually give to said charity or not shouldn’t concern you. The end result is all that matters. And if anyone gives you shit about it, _they’ll_ be the ones to look like monsters. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/30 "2014-12-30T06:41:48Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Thank you note from children for a Christmas gift?!? AYFKM??? This is their time, it is a time for children to receive because of who they are, the thank you pays ahead, decades later, to their children. If the adult desires a thankyou note that is their issue that should not be spread to your children. If they can not give without strings attached then perhaps they should not give on Christmas because they are not actually giving. A thank-you note not only lets the person know you received their gift but that you appreciate their thinking of you. Children don’t just get things because of who they are?! Should they even have to say thank you in person? > [@TriPolar](#): > > but the solution may be to donate the gifts when received and let the aunt know you did that when you thank her. No, just no. “Thank you for the fill-in-the-blank. It was nice of you to think of me.” Then do what you want with the gift. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/31 "2014-12-30T14:18:33Z")
While I agree that dealing with unwanted gifts can be annoying, teaching your children that they should only write thank you letters for gifts they like misses the point. You’re supposed to be thanking the person for thinking of you and trying to please you, not rating their success and providing feedback. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/32 "2014-12-30T14:58:50Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > While I agree that dealing with unwanted gifts can be annoying, teaching your children that they should only write thank you letters for gifts they like misses the point. You’re supposed to be thanking the person for thinking of you and trying to please you, not rating their success and providing feedback. Exactly ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/33 "2014-12-30T15:32:58Z")
Poor old Aunty. All she wants to do is stay connected to her far-flung family, feel like she still matters in their lives, and let them know they are in her thoughts and heart. Going out to buy and ship a gift to the nieces and nephews she never gets to see makes her feel less isolated. A quick thank you note arriving in her mail lets her know the gift arrived and makes a welcome change from all the bills and ads in the mail. Why do you hate giving or receiving gifts so much? And why are you so eager to get those gifts out of the house? Is this a clutter/control issue, like my friend who is a bare minimalist when it comes to possessions? One good way to stop celebrating Christmas is to decide what part Christianity plays in your life. If you aren’t Christian, you have the perfect excuse for declaring that your family isn’t going to participate in the holiday. Yes, I know many people consider it a secular holiday, but at its core it isn’t, and the gift-giving is symbolic. So you have a built-in excuse to ignore the whole thing, or change your family tradition to include gifts of service and aid to those less fortunate. You are the parent, after all. And now we know the perfect gift for **Rachellelogram** at the next gift exchange…notecards and stamps! LOL ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/34 "2014-12-30T16:44:36Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > While I agree that dealing with unwanted gifts can be annoying, teaching your children that they should only write thank you letters for gifts they like misses the point. You’re supposed to be thanking the person for thinking of you and trying to please you, not rating their success and providing feedback. The thing that gets to me is, how much can they really be thinking of you and trying to please you if the gift is the polar opposite of anything you’re interested in? How thoughtful can that even be? A gift like that proves to me how little of a connection I have to that person. If they talked to me at all they would know that gift was an awful choice. What, is this gift supposed to be a stand-in for having actual conversations or experiences where we get to know each other? And lo and behold, the bad gifts I get are from people I don’t speak to more than once all year. Why did they bother? They obviously don’t care the other 363 days of the year. It isn’t a thoughtful gift. It was just to make themseleves feel better or at least not feel like they failed a social obligation. So yeah, it feels like a charade to get a gift like that and pretend it was such a thoughtful, kind thing on their part that I enjoyed receiving when none of that is true. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/35 "2014-12-30T19:00:08Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > The thing that gets to me is, how much can they really be thinking of you and trying to please you if the gift is the polar opposite of anything you’re interested in? How thoughtful can that even be? A gift like that proves to me how little of a connection I have to that person. If they talked to me at all they would know that gift was an awful choice. What, is this gift supposed to be a stand-in for having actual conversations or experiences where we get to know each other? > > And lo and behold, the bad gifts I get are from people I don’t speak to more than once all year. Why did they bother? They obviously don’t care the other 363 days of the year. It isn’t a thoughtful gift. It was just to make themseleves feel better or at least not feel like they failed a social obligation. > > So yeah, it feels like a charade to get a gift like that and pretend it was such a thoughtful, kind thing on their part that I enjoyed receiving when none of that is true. People try and fail at things all the time. Don’t assume that someone who has not succeeded at pleasing you with a gift wasn’t trying, especially in the case of a relative who lives far away trying to choose gifts for children, whose tastes and preferences are extremely likely to change often, with no memo sent out. The gifts are clearly an attempt to maintain a connection and let them know they are thought of and cared about. It is obviously much less trouble to NOT choose a gift, NOT pay for a gift, and NOT send a gift, so why would you conclude they only care two days out of the year? The proper thing to do is thank the giver for the gift and do with it as you wish. Why would anyone want to teach their children that they are entitled to receive particular gifts that please them and if a giver fails they should be shunned? The world likes gracious people, not entitled assholes, so which will be better for them in life? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/36 "2014-12-30T21:19:31Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > I find the holidays can be a minefield of delicate sensibilities, tradition mixed with nostalgic desire to re-live childhood experiences that never quite meet expectations, and a million and one ways to upset or disappoint family members. I love Christmas, but it comes with a giant bundle of stress (wrapped in gold and green paper with a bright red bow!). > > This may sound weird, but I realized a few years ago that my job as a gift-receiver is just as important as that of gift-giver. While I mostly don’t _need_ any more gifts ever, I totally love that my family and/or friends take the time to think of me. Accepting a gift graciously and with enthusiasm is, in its own way, a form of gift-giving. Or, to put it a little differently, is a vital component of a two-way communication. Gift giving is not about the object, but about making a connection, and sacrificing a little bit (time and/or money) for the sake of another. > > So, I try to not think about it as being “socially obligated” to act grateful for, but instead I’m sincerely happy to reinforce the bond between me and the gift-giver . . . even if I don’t have any use for the gift and it goes into the trash. This is a beautifully well-written post, **Eonwe** , and I want to thank you for sharing it. It should be told/emailed/Facebook posted/printed on a T-shirt for all to see starting around Dec. 1 each year. Or … I guess I could cross-stitch it, and give it as a gift. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/37 "2014-12-31T00:18:09Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > A thank-you note not only lets the person know you received their gift but that you appreciate their thinking of you. Children don’t just get things because of who they are?! Should they even have to say thank you in person? IMHO the child should not be restricted from doing so. However the thank you should be from the parent. For a child, if in person, a response ‘wow this is great’, and smiles and laughter should be all the thanks a person needs from them - EVER, and a overwhelming ty from the parents for bringing joy to their child. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/38 "2014-12-31T00:35:02Z")
What if the child is not joyful to receive the gift and instead shrugs and says he doesn’t like it/already has it/thinks you could have done better? ---
**Author:** ![HipGnosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/76d3ee/32.png) [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/39 "2014-12-31T01:52:24Z")
Dictate the following to your kids; Dear Aunt xxx; Thank you for the thoughtful gift of yyy. This is the last time we can accept such gifts as we are converting to wicca and will then only accept gifts that are pleasing to the Triple Goddess or the Horned God. Any other gifts will have to be burned in nude rituals that implore the gods to posses us. Sincerely; Zzzz (my current, Abrahamic name) Seriously; All I’m hearing is extremely poor and/or utterly inefficient communication. Aunt doesn’t know what kids want. You nor kids talk to her enough to tell her. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449/40 "2014-12-31T02:56:41Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > What if the child is not joyful to receive the gift and instead shrugs and says he doesn’t like it/already has it/thinks you could have done better? Then it would be a lie for them to send a thank you card, and forcing the kid to do it would just be forcing them to lie, and morally wrong. The point of teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you” and all that sort of stuff is to teach them to actually be thankful. This is why I think the focus on thank you cards is ill placed. If that’s not the way you normally interact with people, you wind up teaching a social obligation rather than true thankfulness. And it can also lead to someone giving bad gifts because they don’t know you really aren’t thankful. It creates a problem that could be dealt with if both sides would just communicate truthfully to one another. My advice to the OP is to open up communication with the aunt. Let her know about the kids and the type of stuff they are into. If she truly cares, she will want to try to give gifts that are better appreciated. At 14 and especially 16, I think the kids are too old to be forced into sending thank you notes, anyways. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-about-i-just-have-my-kids-stop-writing-thank-you-notes/708449.md?page=3)