# How Army blows: Let me count the ways **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 3, 1999, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286 "1999-12-03T13:57:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/1 "1999-12-03T13:57:00Z")
Army Mascot: Ass Vehicle: Abrams tank (Conventionally powered) Weapon of choice: M-16 Third and ten: Punt, fall back, regroup Navy Mascot: Billy the Goat ™ Vehicle: Aircraft Carrier and 90+ warplanes (nuclear powered) Weapon of choice: Sidewinder missile Third and ten: Smart bomb to the open tight end (Failing that: Nuke 'em all and let Satan sort 'em out) 'Nuff said? ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/2 "1999-12-03T15:36:00Z")
Chief, there’d be some sort of gridiron contest coming up, am I correct? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/3 "1999-12-03T15:48:00Z")
Army holds a 48-44-7 series lead. * * * Well, shut my mouth. It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/4 "1999-12-03T16:11:00Z")
Actually, I have no affiliation with either, but your OP did start my curiousity. But, to stay on your good side…Go Navy!! ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/5 "1999-12-03T16:18:00Z")
Off-topic, and more of a MPSIMS query, really, but how did the Navy end up choosing a goat for mascot? Wouldn’t something vaguely nautical, or at least coastal, be a more appropriate choice? Oh, pooh. I’ll just PUT it in Pit terms. ChiefScott, who the fuck picked a goddamned GOAT as mascot? John Paul Fucking Jones? Is it because all you swabbies like to SCREW GOATS? The fucking Army, man, we KNOW they fuck that mule! * * * Uke ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/6 "1999-12-03T16:38:00Z")
Go Navy. Rah. ummm . . . Rah. Rah. ---
**Author:** ![Sake\_Samurai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sake\_Samurai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sake_Samurai)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/7 "1999-12-03T17:24:00Z")
Your enthusiasm is catching, andros! But misdirected! The Navy’s comprised of a bunch of “seamen” who spend all their time crammed into tight “bunks” with each other wearing little “caps” and “knickers” isolated with their fellow “shipmen” for months at a time in “phallic-looking” vessels singing “bad” songs and “comforting” each other. Sure, some guys in the Army like to paint their faces with green and black makeup and wear camo undies, and those foxholes are kind of intimate, and maybe they wear too much decoration on their uniforms, and some guys get thoughts into their heads confimed in a tank with nothing but green socks and dog tags on, but. . .Uhm, what I’m trying to say is that Army Rules, and if you got your dick out of that damn goat, you’d think clearly and agree with me. * * * Hell is Other People. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/8 "1999-12-03T17:38:00Z")
Uke – We had to take Bill or the fucking Trees woulda started screwing him too. [singing]Over hill, over dale, we will fuck you anywhere, and we’ll felch that mule’s ass all along[/singing] ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/9 "1999-12-04T06:10:00Z")
Does the whole football debate over Army vs. Navy stem from the fact that the Jarheads don’t get to play? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/10 "1999-12-03T19:20:00Z")
Tsk-tsk-tsk. The jarheads play for Navy. They don’t turn stupid until after graduation when they get their own tree suits. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/11 "1999-12-03T19:40:00Z")
Ohhhhh, I see! The Seamonkeys couldn’t win games without marines, then? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/12 "1999-12-03T20:35:00Z")
Actually we could, but it’s so much fun to antagonize the cadets. You see, they all wanted to be Marines when they grew up, but couldn’t quite cut the mustard. ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/13 "1999-12-03T20:46:00Z")
I think you’re all nuts for being in any service. That said, if I ever need you to save my ass, I love you all! 😃 * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/14 "1999-12-03T21:10:00Z")
Satan, I think the whole point here is the Fun of Rivalries, not necessarily the organizations involved. If Saddam were to drop a big bomb onto ChiefScott’s boat, you can bet the United States Army would be ready, willing, and able to wade out there and extend a helping hand. That being said, who d’ya like in the Harvard-Yale game? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/15 "1999-12-03T21:15:00Z")
Pshaw, Uke. As _if_… ::flashes back to the mocking heatherlee with kellibelli thread:: ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/16 "1999-12-03T22:17:00Z")
I don’t know – if Saddam had already dropped the bomb on the boat it doesn’t sound like he would need the hand. ## BTW – I can categorically state that I **never** wanted to be a jarhead. It’s far too entertaining to make fun of them and see if they notice. - The best lack all conviction The worst are full of passionate intensity. \* ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/17 "1999-12-04T03:43:00Z")
If Army loses, I’ll sing a song for you, Chief. Your anthem. As performed by the Village People. When Army wins, I’ll simply and graciously accept your humble acknowledgement that grown men shouldn’t dress up in outfits more appropriately suited for toddlerwear. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/18 "1999-12-04T03:48:00Z")
As my Leading Cheif point out today at work, it is kind of silly for us enlisted folks to get all hepped up about a contest between the two main officer schools. This was in response to a contingent of Army students (all junior enlisted) from DLI (across town) marching onto the Navy base and making a bunch of noise about the merits of the Army officer producing school. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/19 "1999-12-04T03:50:00Z")
WEll, the USMA does have one point in its favour, as far as colleges go. My oldest brother graduated from there. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/20 "1999-12-04T04:25:00Z")
ChiefScott, uh, I am sorry, I have to go with Army this time. My nephew has just been made squad leader, his speciality is marksmenship, he KNOWS where I live. He is stationed at Ft. Hood where I was born. I mean, you just gotta have family loyalty. Especialily when the family member is an excellent shot. I’ll keep my toes crossed for you though, as long as nephew can’t see them. And stop playing with that jacket ! * * * Ayesha - Lioness * * * There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine (Thomas A. Edison) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286.md?page=2)