# How Army blows: Let me count the ways **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 3, 1999, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286 "1999-12-03T13:57:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/21 "1999-12-04T06:11:00Z")
The Navy - 200+ years of tradition. Unimpeded by progress. Go Army - get their goat! * * * Sue from El Paso Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/22 "1999-12-04T06:44:00Z")
Monty – have to stand up for my taunting and cheering rights here. It’s true I was enlisted, but I was also a cadet. As was my father, my uncle, both grandfathers, my great-uncle, my … .well, you get the idea. Of course, I \*\*was\ the one who cut hsort the tradition, but still – you can’t cut all the ties at once. One more thing. Go Knights!!! * * * - The best lack all conviction The worst are full of passionate intensity. \* ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/23 "1999-12-04T06:47:00Z")
Damn – some scurvy-ridden squid vandalized my UBB code. heh-heh. Jokes on them. While they were distracted I shaved their goat. He looks just like an admiral, now. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/24 "1999-12-04T12:42:00Z")
Ryshad wishes to emulate the biggest gay-stereotyped disco group of all time? (Kinda like the Cadet’s offensive line.) Monty – Junior officers are inept at verbally defending themselves – too “rah-rah.” It takes dedicated senior enlisted personnel to show them how it is done properly. (Much like “shoe tying” in the Army.) Lioness – I’m a marksman too. And **I** have a bigger gun than your nephew. Spiritus – Once again shaving small barnyard animals, are you? What’s your support group gonna say? ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/25 "1999-12-04T17:58:00Z")
Chief, Well, I don’t know about that, I haven’t seen my nephews gun since I changed his diaper. ( Bad reference to the Armys punishment drill with guys standing in their undershorts with their weapon yelling "This is my rifle, ::grabbing crotch:: this is my gun, This is for fighting, ::again grabbing crotch:: this is for fun. ) But you don’t know exactly when I live, nephew does ! Yes, you could take out the whole city to get me, but then you would have a lot of splainin to do. * * * Ayesha - Lioness * * * There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine (Thomas A. Edison) ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/26 "1999-12-04T19:39:00Z")
Well, Army’s sucking donkey dick. So mebee you gots some ‘polojizin’ ta do? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/27 "1999-12-04T20:12:00Z")
And with that final interception, it looks like a whole shitload of Army fans will be eating crow here Monday (they couldn’t eat squid!)! Ha Ha! ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/28 "1999-12-04T23:00:00Z")
Oh, well. I was getting sick of barbecued goat every year anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/29 "1999-12-04T23:07:00Z")
::enters room with covered tray:: ::removes cover:: ::covers liberally with tobasco:: ::eats crow:: Not so bad. Better than K-rats, not as good as LURPS. Anyone got a John wayne cookie? Besides, I ate squid yesterday and I still can’t get it out from between my teeth. * * * - The best lack all conviction The worst are full of passionate intensity. \* ---
**Author:** ![counterattackii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/41988e/32.png) [@counterattackii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/counterattackii)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 1999, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/30 "1999-12-05T00:46:00Z")
Well, personally, I would say you were foolish to die for an ungrateful country such as this one, but its better than any other country that I can think… But ur… um… armed forces \*rock! \*denotes sarcasm ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 1999, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/31 "1999-12-06T06:02:00Z")
I still wanna know where the goat mascot comes from for those boatsmen. OTOH, if the army blows and their team sucks, the sailors won’t be needing their goats for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 1999, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/32 "1999-12-06T15:44:00Z")
In my own best interest, and that of Uncle Sam, I studiously avoided military service. That fact, however, will not keep me from advancing my theory on the enesis of the respective mascots. ::On board a large ship, meeting in progress:: “Gentlemen, we need a mascot for our school - any ideas?” “Sir, we have boats, Sir. Perhaps something that rhymes with ‘boat’?” “Excellent! What rhymes with ‘boat’?” ::Army spy, snickering:: “Goat, Sir! ‘Goat’ rhymes with ‘boat’!” “Excellent! Goat it is! We’ll name him ‘Horny’! All the seamen will get behind him - one at a time, of course, we _are_ gentlemen.” “Me first!” “Clear the deck!” ::Under an olive drab Army issue tent, meeting in progress:: “Sir, intelligence reports that Navy is selecting a school mascot! We cannot be outdone!” “Right, soldier, we shall have a mascot as well. Something descriptive of the Army, and fitting of our troops. Any ideas?” ::Navy spy, snickering:: “What is another word for ass, Sir?”:: “Donkey! Donkey is another word for ass! Shall we have a donkey for a mascot?” ::Navy spy::“With all due respect, Sir, donkeys have balls. Doesn’t quite seem to fit the Army image, Sir.” “Yes, right. Something else then, like a donkey but with no balls.” “A mule, Sir? A mule is like a donkey.” “But a mule has balls, has it not?” “Yes, Sir, it does, but they do not work.” “Capital! A mule it is then - but get one from a deceased soldier, we don’t want to break up a relationship.” * * * The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 1999, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/33 "1999-12-07T06:24:00Z")
ROFL 😉 Wicked, Herr Doctor. Of course, I only read the first half. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 1999, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/34 "1999-12-06T19:56:00Z")
MMMMM, crow ain’t bad. Happy now Chief ? * * * Ayesha - Lioness * * * There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine (Thomas A. Edison) ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 1999, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286/35 "1999-12-08T06:20:00Z")
Doc – A tip of the combination cover to you, sir. I can take ribbing as good as I give. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-army-blows-let-me-count-the-ways/3286.md?page=1)