Be very, VERY VERY careful about this. Crunch the numbers ruthlessly. Consult with a lawyer about the agreement. Be VERY skeptical about what the colleges say. THEY DON’T CARE whether or not you can repay the loan. They get the money up front and that’s where their involvement ends.
A lot of good advice in here already. I went to a ‘posh’ high school and I think that made a big difference, I got to see some different lifestyles when I visited my friends’ homes, and the school very much expected the majority of its students to go to university. It wasn’t a case of ‘will you go to university’, but rather ‘what will you study at university’.
That said, there were a few things my parents didn’t do so well, which would have helped me more:
Firstly, financial awareness. Things like student loan debt were never explained to me, and having been in the top stream, I learned Latin whilst other students learned Home Economics, which probably included some of that stuff. Money simply wasn’t talked about, I had no idea how much my parents earned or how much the household expenses were.
Secondly, an understanding of middle class career options. Both my parents were working class - a mechanic and a nurse. Neither had (nor has to this day) any idea how the corporate world works or the wealth of jobs available in a large company. I was certainly taught many good working habits, but if I had been exposed to the corporate working world sooner, I might have made more of a career for myself.
But finally, bear in mind that a higher socioeconomic class doesn’t necessarily equate to a better life. It brings different pressures and problems.
Teach em work ethic, personal responsibility and that there is no such thing as a socio economic class or any other limit. They limit themselves and can be what they want to be.
Quote made famous by a recently deceased footy coach over here “If it is to be, it is up to me”
I think a lot of a kid’s success is due to “good” parenting, but there are a **lot **of (seemingly) random and uncontrollable factors as well. The best parents in the world sometimes fail due to the influence of peer groups, or their kids’ surroundings in school, or sometimes just one really bad decision that snowballs out of control.
Both our kids are young adults now, and appear to be on the “right” side of our country’s widening socio-economic divide. While we think we were good parents, in retrospect there were other influences that helped and those have to be considered.
It’s my belief that the neighborhood, and kind of kids/parents in their school plays an enormous role in determining their life’s path (or at least reducing the temptations to stray to the wrong path). We simply got into the “best” neighborhood we could afford, without trying for the mostest/bestest house. We were more concerned with the surroundings and school system than the house itself, and in fact have one of the least expensive places in our very nice subdivision. The more we look back on child-rearing, the more we believe our success (as parents) was partially due to a lack of some battles that parents in poorer areas must face.
TLDR, as they age, their friends have far more influence than you. To the extent possible, reduce the number of bad influences whether due to neighborhood, school, etc. (Captain Obvious stuff, I know).
Really, really good math skills, early. As a teacher, one thing I often see in poor-but-ambitious parents is an attitude that the grades–and worse, the “doing your work”–is what matters for school. It’s not. What matters is that a kid is a little smarter every day, can do things, understand things, connect things, create things. It encourages kids to cheat, because they see cheating as a bad path to a good goal–the number on the report card. They don’t see it as subverting the goal as a whole, that no one cares what you made in 4th grade math but that it’s a problem if you never really understand place value because you managed to fake your way through it.
This matters for all skills, but it really, really matters for math, and lacking a solid understanding of math closes a lot of doors.
In terms of schools, especially elementary schools, realize that not all elementary schools are the same, and that it really, really makes a difference. Two schools, both in mediocre neighborhoods, can produce very different results. When I was at the same school for 10 years, I got to the point to where I could often guess the elementary schools my high school students had gone to–and sometimes the particular teachers they had had. There were clear differences in how they thought, what they knew, how they interacted. A bad 3rd grade teacher is a major emergency and should be treated as such.
Consequences go hand in hand with expectations. I see many parents who want their kids to get good grades, but if a child is not naturally motivated, the parents may fuss about lousy grades, but the kid has no major repercussions .
We’re struggling with this right now. I have a kid who will turn sixteen this summer, and has been saving up for a car. The house rule is 3.5 to drive. He is sweating this last week of school and finals. He’ll be close, but not sure if he’ll make it. It will be a major inconvenience if we have to continue to drive him, but so be it. Consequences and follow through are often tough on the parent, too.
Note that this method of expectations, consequences, peer group, general environment is started at the very beginning. You cannot expect a thirteen year old to magically change from a lazy, mouthy, academically lack luster waste, to a high performing wunderkid overnight. It’s not fair, it’s highly unlikely to succeed, and everyone will end up hating each other.
Oh, sure, there are exceptions, but I am utterly amazed at the parents who encourage their three year old to be a mouthy, demanding, spoiled little princess, yet are completely unhinged when the kid is thirteen and out of control.
I recommend they immerse themselves in material by Tony Robbins…
http://www.awaken.com/2013/08/playboy-interview-anthony-tony-robbins/
He uses tricks like NLP… you can use the techniques to do better with people.
Agreed. My #2 just graduated from high school summa cum laude, honor society, etc. (Obnoxious stealth brag) and a significant help was being surrounded by teachers, peers and other parents that truly care about her success. That same environment will help my#3 who wants to drive this summer, be much more accomplished than he would be if left to his own devices.
I also want to point out that success isn’t always about the money, and it isn’t a static event. It doesn’t have to necessarily mean a high status job either.
In my mind it means that you are a contributing member of society determined to better the world.
Find out what the child’s natural abilities are, then help the child achieve in a field that best utilizes those aptitudes. Don’t nudge them into a practical field like law, medicine or business just because there’s demand for workers in those fields. To borrow a phrase from economics, supply creates its own demand.
Where did the OP mention any plans for her offspring to eenter the medical profession?
Although “get your kid through medical school” IS sound advice, which would achieve the stated goal with a high degree of certainty.
Lots of good advice already mentioned.
Definitely make college an expectation. My wife and I have discussed this about our (future) kids. My only caveat is that if they don’t want to go to college, its because they have something else equally ambitious in mind. If they just don’t want to go because its a lot of work, then no dice.
I would disagree slightly on the name. My wife and my friend’s wife were having a conversation a few years ago when friend’s wife was pregnant. They were talking about names. Friend’s wife emphasised that she wanted her kid to have a ‘white’ name (friend is half Latino) because people that ended up becoming CEOs had white names. My wife was a little offended, because most definitely does not have a ‘white person’ name; in fact she has a name quite difficult for many gringos to pronounce. She told me the conversation made her want to name her future kids the most stereotypically ‘Latino’ sounding names possible and drive them to succeed to prove you don’t have to name your kid ‘William’ or ‘George’ just to allow them success in life.
Instill in them a sense of ownership and drive in their life. The sooner a kid understands his success/failure is within his own control, the sooner he knows how to work to overcome challenges. Kids that grow up to be mediocre were often very quick to blame others for their failure and had a difficult time improving themselves because they never saw what they were doing wrong.
It’s this more than anything else.
What most of us in the middle class don’t get is that, in most ways, entry to that upper class is not necessarily determined by money (how many “artists” do we know about who make nothing, but are still granted entrance to the most exclusive parts of life) but by your personal network. Not just business interests, but friends and friends of friends, etc.
I straddle two worlds in my area - I went to one of the best high schools in the area, with advanced (for the time) science labs, excellent math opportunities, lots of fine arts, etc. My husband and his family/friends all went to the local Catholic high school, which had no science labs, no pool, didn’t offer Calculus as a class, etc. Now we’ve all had kids, and when my brother in law sent his kids to the crappy Catholic school, I asked him why. He said that despite the education being lacking, the networks of people his kids would be friends with would be a better opportunity.
He’s right, if you want your kids to have access to that upper echelon. My husband’s family was the opposite of rich - they only went to the Catholic school because the schools in Gary they would go to were war zones. They are now all multiple degree professionals, who were exposed to a life they wouldn’t have known about otherwise (like spending 4th of July on the local billionaire’s yacht in Lake Michigan) and they’re very happy. Their mom came from a physically abusive household, their dad ran a marginal restaurant and had trouble keeping the lights on. They rocketed past the lower/lower middle class they grew up with, and currently have good finances, good relationships and good children.
Now, this presupposes your kids will be smarter than average, you don’t beat or neglect your kids, etc. The role models and friends will end up being the most important indicator of what your children will be - and that includes their friends’ lifestyles, expectations and attitudes.
This. For #2, teaching them the time-value of money is a huge deal; it explains why borrowing money is more expensive, and why borrowing money on a credit card can be hideously expensive if the bill isn’t paid in full every month, and it explains why investing for the future NOW (instead of a few years from now) is critical. If you need recommendations on books with finance advice, ask the Dope, and ye shall receive.
In conjunction with that, teach them not to do things that will screw up their credit rating. A screwed up credit rating makes it more expensive and/or more difficult to borrow money, rent apartments, get a job, and so on. If you can’t go to college because you can’t afford a high-interest loan for a decent car and can’t secure a decent apartment, then you’re screwed.
#3…this is the key to a salary that can help assure lifelong financial security. Keep excelling in school, and you keep opening doors to a better and better future. Good grades in high school? You can go to a good college. Good college grades? Now you can get a good job, or go to grad school.
Assuming your kid will go to college, advise them to choose a major with decent employment prospects. They may be very passionate about WW2-era European history, but majoring in that area is not likely to lead to solid employment. If they’ve got the aptitude, I’d suggest engineering, business, medical school, or something along those lines, and make history (or whatever their non-lucrative passion is) into a hobby.
Thanks for sharing this story! If I may ask, are you talking about Andrean? I grew up in Hobart and knew a few kids who went there.
I didn’t even know there *were *local billionaires in Lake County. :o
Yup. I went to Merrillville, just after they completed their zillion dollar renovations, and the facility was Top Rate in every way. I assumed Andrean was even better, since it was the posh, rich kids school. Oh, no no no. It was lousy, with no nice equipment, and the education was seriously lacking in all the STEM fields. But, the kids who went there were light years ahead socioeconomically, and with the exception of a few who are into drugs or art or something like that, everyone I know who went there is super successful, with lots in medicine and engineering.
I first realized that the mindset of the people who surround you in a lot of ways determine where you end up, when I was reading about the very poor and their troubles with poor role models and living in ghettos. But it’s just as true going from middle to upper class. We were middle class - hopefully, dad would have a great mill job (this was back when they paid well), mom would be a secretary, and you would have enough for a week at Indiana Beach and be able to shop at the Mall. That’s what I knew, and that was how I assumed it would be - there would be no path to greatness that I could really see and relate to. Those Andrean people, they were the ones who understood it.
And our local billionaire is Dean White, owner of Whiteco and White Lodging -
“Dean White took over his father’s billboard company in 1946 and used the profits to build Whiteco Industries, a hotel and real estate development empire based in Merrillville, IN. He sold the billboard business to Chancellor Media Corp. in 1998 for $960 million. In 2006 he sold 100 hotels to BET founder Robert Johnson for $1.7 billion. In early 2011 he opened a $450 million development in Indianapolis next to Lucas Oil Field, home of the NFL’s Colts, which has five hotels including a 1,005-room Marriott. In late 2012 he donated $2 million to the Indianapolis Zoo to build the International Orangutan Exhibit, which will include a research center focused on orangutan conservation. Whiteco announced in late 2013 that it was building a 32,000-square-foot “memory care facility” in Merriville with 50 rooms for residents diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.”
NWI baby!
ETA - Seriously, good on you for getting out of here. NWI has some kind of mental rot that limits people, sucks them in, and steals all of their enthusiasm. It’s racist, small minded and anti-class and education. If it weren’t for my family, I’d be out east right now…
Sports. Specifically participating in organized sports. Being very good at a sport can be a real class equalizer.
Setting aside the dreams of yachts, champagne, and caviar - it sounds like you’re looking to give them the footing to step a notch or two above where you are. From my experience, sending the kids to some kind of private school provides a lot of advantages. For us it was one in the Catholic school family (we are not Catholic). It cost money, but it was by far the cheapest in the area.
What we found was that the environment at a private school was more focused on getting into college. All of the kids there were expected to move into some higher education, even if it was only community college. And - this is a big feature - the kids are not surrounded by the usual public school riff-raff. You don’t have to worry so much about your kids falling in with the wrong crowd if the wrong crowd isn’t around. On the other side of the coin, the kids at the private school are likely to be from successful families who have inherited more generally positive values, etc. Just by putting your kids into that peer group has a positive affect.
Now - all that said - what you then have to guard against is the possibility of snobbery, class-ism, and exposure to the upper class knuckleheads (kids with access to too much money and free time and a taste for partying).
Don’t. It’s better that they be poor and happy than rich and greedy. Teach them to be happy with what they’ve got. Certainly don’t send them to boarding school. It’s commonly used as a punishment for a reason.
Well, what worked on my brother and I was getting put to work early. Household chores, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, and then having us get jobs in our teens. Instilling the notion that you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do, and also the sense of pride in doing a job well.
My parents didn’t do this, but I sure as hell will with my sons…if you are going to go to college, you need to get a degree that is going to lead directly to a job that pays. Do what you “love” on your own time, or after you have established yourself. You are not going to do anything with that Communications degree.
To append my earlier post - the private Catholic school I was referring to is not boarding school. That would be a completely different animal. I’m not sure I would recommend that - I can’t help but think the kid would wonder why you hated them so much that you felt the need to send them away!