# How can a man fight back when a woman is verbally abusive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2008, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935 "2008-02-17T00:17:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/41 "2008-02-18T09:57:40Z")
[QUOTE=jtgain] That being said, as a man, you will lose, unless you allege drug use, or elderly abuse. [/QUOTE] Given the mother’s age, I’d say it counts as elderly abuse. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/42 "2008-02-18T13:56:23Z")
[QUOTE=buns3000] There is a whole other side to this story, just as there is to the OP. The lack of incredulity being applied in this thread is very surprising. [/QUOTE] Perhaps we’re civilized enough to refrain from thread-shitting. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/43 "2008-02-18T13:56:40Z")
[QUOTE=Richard Parker] If you live in the United States, you need to consult your state laws before you surreptitiously record a conversation. Even face-to-face conversations are subject to some state wiretapping laws. [/QUOTE] My friend and her crazy brother get into it regularly. They both whip out tape recorders and record the battles with full knowledge on both sides. It might be helpful to let the crazy sister know she’s being recorded. The law might forbid that, but it should be pretty easy to find out. Based on the example about the dirty house, it doesn’t sound abusive to me. Anal and obnoxious, and even stress-inducing, yes…but abusive…I don’t think so. If there’s more to it than that, please share. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/44 "2008-02-18T14:34:49Z")
[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63] If she likes flustering you, for instance, you have to stop being flustered…stop giving her the satisfaction [/QUOTE] Exactly. Here’s a simple suggestion: wear some foam ear plugs and completely ignore her presence. She will see the ear plugs and think you can’t hear her. This will probably drive her nuts, but she’ll have no choice but to eventually stop. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/45 "2008-02-18T15:54:14Z")
Tell her to stop yelling, stop name calling, stop using bad language, and stop repeating herself. Those four items are the essence of verbal abuse. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/46 "2008-02-18T16:05:07Z")
Sorry to hear you’re having to deal with this, your sister sounds like a very immature person. There are a lot of ways of dealing with difficult people, but you know your sister best so are probably best placed to discover the most appropriate technique. There are quite a few books out on dealing with difficult people and hopefully your local library has some. Do an Amazon search on ‘difficult people’ as a first step. The added difficulty here is that it’s not your house so you don’t have as much say in the “house rules”. I suspect your sister has a history of interacting with your mother in this way, and I’m guessing your mother has not dealt with it particularly effectively? ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Parker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/35a633/32.png) [@Richard\_Parker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Parker)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/47 "2008-02-18T16:38:23Z")
[QUOTE=Kalhoun] They both whip out tape recorders and record the battles with full knowledge on both sides. [/QUOTE] I haven’t looked at every law, but I think that if you don’t do it surreptitiously, it is generally legal. I thought the OP was contemplating secretly recording so he could use this as evidence in some legal action. I just didn’t want the OP to get in trouble when he hands a tape over to the police to get a restraining order or something and he ends up getting busted. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/48 "2008-02-18T16:55:06Z")
Record the behavior for posterity. Play back later for the person and the cops if you need a defense later. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/49 "2008-02-18T17:05:06Z")
I’m still not clear. Does mom live alone? Who exactly - and legally, lives at mom’s house, or who’s house is mom living in? ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/50 "2008-02-18T17:07:26Z")
[QUOTE=buns3000] There is a whole other side to this story, just as there is to the OP. The lack of incredulity being applied in this thread is very surprising. [/QUOTE] Just when I thought this thread was getting boring… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/51 "2008-02-18T19:00:13Z")
[QUOTE=Kalhoun] \ Based on the example about the dirty house, it doesn’t sound abusive to me. Anal and obnoxious, and even stress-inducing, yes…but abusive…I don’t think so. If there’s more to it than that, please share. [/QUOTE] In the OP, he mentioned two hours of mean, nasty comments. That just isn’t acceptable in any situation, in my opinion. I think there’s more to this story, too, but I’m not doubting that a woman can be abusive, physically, verbally, or mentally. I did a thread on that a while back, and found some interesting statistics in my research for it; things like women are physically abusive as often as men are. Often abusive behaviour is about control. What all is your sister trying to control (other than the house cleanliness), and is there any way to get her to be more realistic about it? It isn’t about you and your mother keeping a spotless house 24/7; even if that was possible, it’s not your sister’s place to demand it, and you and your mother shouldn’t need to live by her demands. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/52 "2008-02-18T19:09:36Z")
I don’t understand why everyone is talking about involving the police. The OP mentions **verbal** abuse. There are no laws on the books that say you can’t be _mean_ to someone (and, jesus, there never should be); the cops won’t care, it’s your problem to deal with. If she won’t leave and the OP’s his mom wants her to (Am I right in assuming the mom owns the house?), than it’s a case for the cops but it doesn’t sound like that from the OP. Who owns (or rents) the house? Does the mom want the sister to leave? The OP is unclear. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/53 "2008-02-18T19:12:36Z")
[QUOTE=buns3000] There is a whole other side to this story, just as there is to the OP. The lack of incredulity being applied in this thread is very surprising. [/QUOTE] Were you there? No? No. Right. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/54 "2008-02-18T19:15:17Z")
[QUOTE=Richard Parker] If you live in the United States, you need to consult your state laws before you surreptitiously record a conversation. Even face-to-face conversations are subject to some state wiretapping laws. [/QUOTE] Then he should be put a sign on the door. “For quality and training purposes, this visit may be monitored or recorded.” ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Parker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/35a633/32.png) [@Richard\_Parker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Parker)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/55 "2008-02-18T19:45:18Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] Then he should be put a sign on the door. “For quality and training purposes, this visit may be monitored or recorded.” [/QUOTE] That’s a great sign to have for all kinds of circumstances. I might make one right now. Goodbye sex tape lawsuits! ---
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/56 "2008-02-18T20:06:00Z")
[QUOTE=TheLoadedDog] Were you there? No? No. Right. [/QUOTE] OK, forgive me. Only one side then. ---
**Author:** ![Can\_Handle\_the\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Can\_Handle\_the\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Can_Handle_the_Truth)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2008, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/57 "2008-02-22T04:23:04Z")
[QUOTE=tremorviolet] Who owns (or rents) the house? Does the mom want the sister to leave? The OP is unclear. [/QUOTE] It’s my mom’s house. I live there with her, paying rent. My sister has a place of her own. My mom would never ban one of her children (or grandchildren) from the house under any circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Can\_Handle\_the\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Can\_Handle\_the\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Can_Handle_the_Truth)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2008, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/58 "2008-02-22T04:26:14Z")
[QUOTE=buns3000] There is a whole other side to this story, just as there is to the OP. The lack of incredulity being applied in this thread is very surprising. [/QUOTE] What, exactly, do you find incredulus? ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2008, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/59 "2008-02-22T04:44:35Z")
Well, the point is that it doesn’t actually matter. It isn’t pertinent to this thread. I don’t mind folks not accepting “my side of the story”, but that’s irrelevant here. I could have been lying through my teeth. I might be completely beyond redemption as a lifelong wifebeater. It would matter not a jot to this thread. My advice is that _anybody_ in this adversarial situation should get the official (police/courts/etc) wheels in motion, and do it early. If I considered myself guilty of the allegations, my hindsight advice to myself would be the same. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2008, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935/60 "2008-02-22T05:06:59Z")
[QUOTE=Can Handle the Truth] It’s my mom’s house. I live there with her, paying rent. [/QUOTE] Oh, well I’m not a lawyer and all that but as a legal resident you have way more rights than your sister has. Tell her to shut up or she can’t come in. Your mom can trump you I guess, but you still trump sister. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-a-man-fight-back-when-a-woman-is-verbally-abusive/437935.md?page=2)