# How can even well-intentioned people be so thoughtless? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 5, 2014, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087 "2014-06-05T02:02:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/21 "2014-06-05T19:12:07Z")
As a short woman, I admit I’m grateful I’m not a short man. Being short is much harder on men than women. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/22 "2014-06-05T19:17:21Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > My partner is 6’10", and has to deal with these comments all the time. But worse, as an adult, he has to deal with sexual comments like “Are you long as well as tall?” or even more explicit, “How big is it?” He takes it in stride, but it still bugs me. I was asked the equivalent of that on a first date, once. Basically, “Is IT proportionate?” In all fairness, had the answer been “Yes” it may have been our last date. > [@LavenderBlue](#): > > As a short woman, I admit I’m grateful I’m not a short man. Being short is much harder on men than women. Being freakishly tall isn’t always a picnic, but I’d hate to be a really short dude. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/23 "2014-06-05T19:26:45Z")
The woman is guilty of doing what a lot of men do. You see someone who is so cute or pretty and you just wanted to say so out loud, without thinking about how the other person might feel. Most young men don’t deal with this on a regular basis, but girls do. I’m three inches shorter than my twin sister. When we’re standing side-by-side, she’s the super model while I’m the elf. This is a gross exaggeration, of course, but that’s how it always feels to me. When we were teens, people would often remark about how short I was comparatively speaking, and I absolutely hated it. From their perspective, they were just stating a fact. But to me, they were rubbing it in that I was the ugly elf. They were being thoughtless, but I can’t blame them. Because they didn’t know it was a sore point with me. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/24 "2014-06-05T19:30:30Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I’d hate to be a really short dude. Especially if you’re a woman. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/25 "2014-06-05T19:39:29Z")
We get that sort of thing with our younger son. He’s 12 and the size of an average eight year old. He got so many comments at school last year because he was the smallest kid in the entire middle school. Way too many “he’s so cute!” comments and people being shocked when he actually was as smart as a _gasp_ 12 year old. Which, BTW, is more insulting than being called cute. It’s frustrating to be thought of as dumb because you’re little; it’s a stupid prejudice that continues all the way into adulthood. People grow at different rates, so those growth charts only work as population averages and not as good predictors of the future. If you grow in an average way, then sure, but if you are one of the many who doesn’t it’s not going to work for you. For example, my children do not have growth spurts. They grow slowly over time. My 12 year old is actually diagnosed as having constitutional growth delay. This means his body is behind the average in growth. He’s “delayed” a full three years behind his classmates. His best friend is the same age and nearing 5’6". There’s a huge, huge rage of “normal” and making comments on someone’s size is not ever polite. BTW, for the tall kids: my 6’4" cousin had a shirt as a teenager that said “No. Do you play miniature golf?” It was awesome. ---
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/26 "2014-06-05T19:44:48Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I was asked the equivalent of that on a first date, once. Basically, “Is IT proportionate?” In all fairness, had the answer been “Yes” it may have been our last date. > > Being freakishly tall isn’t always a picnic, but I’d hate to be a really short dude. My husband is about 6"2 and I’m just over five feet. We like stairs. 😃 Another friend of his is a huge all American dude who is well over 6 feet tall. He married a tiny Filipina woman. I’ll never forget the sight of him at their wedding casually lifting her up for a kiss. Their three very cute kids have her coloring and his height. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/27 "2014-06-05T19:59:07Z")
> [@Miss\_Woodhouse](#): > > BTW, for the tall kids: my 6’4" cousin had a shirt as a teenager that said “No. Do you play miniature golf?” It was awesome. Oh, my son needs that. His father is 6’2, and very broad-shouldered. The football coach at his high school leaned on him hard, trying to recruit him. He finally gave in, and played a year, and hated it. He really hates sports in general. He thought playing might be more fun than watching, but he hated every minute of it. ---
**Author:** ![Critical1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Critical1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical1)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/28 "2014-06-05T20:05:20Z")
> [@Miss\_Woodhouse](#): > > BTW, for the tall kids: my 6’4" cousin had a shirt as a teenager that said “No. Do you play miniature golf?” It was awesome. I am so getting this if I ever have more kids, I am the short one in the family at 6’3" and have a son who is 6’5". Both of us would have loved this shirt growing up. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/29 "2014-06-05T21:17:47Z")
> [@Miss\_Woodhouse](#): > > . . . BTW, for the tall kids: my 6’4" cousin had a shirt as a teenager that said “No. Do you play miniature golf?” It was awesome. Yes, truly awesome. I wouldn’t have said anything at the time, **SlackerInc** , just because your son wouldn’t have benefited from it being made into a big deal. I’m on the fence about a short, calm note later. Some people just haven’t considered that it might be embarassing, and can learn, while others will never get it. Sorry he had to put up with it. ---
**Author:** ![doorhinge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a5b964/32.png) [@doorhinge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doorhinge)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/30 "2014-06-05T21:52:30Z")
\*No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt\* What difference does it make if you’re tall, short, thin, or fat if you are a good person and productive? Learn to be a good person, teach your offspring to be good people, and ignore the imagined insults. Life’s too short. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/31 "2014-06-05T21:55:46Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#): > > My husband is about 6"2 and I’m just over five feet. We like stairs. > > 😃 > > Another friend of his is a huge all American dude who is well over 6 feet tall. He married a tiny Filipina woman. I’ll never forget the sight of him at their wedding casually lifting her up for a kiss. Their three very cute kids have her coloring and his height. And my wife (of 6 days!) is 5’3" (“5"4’!!!” She’d say). We have simple terms of endearment; we just call each other “Big” and “Little.” ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/32 "2014-06-05T22:00:09Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I’m three inches shorter than my twin sister. When we’re standing side-by-side, she’s the super model while I’m the elf. How come I thought you were identical? Do you just look a lot alike or am I high or something? ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/33 "2014-06-05T22:09:28Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > How come I thought you were identical? Do you just look a lot alike or am I high or something? Identical twins can be different heights. I knew a set where one had a heart condition that wasn’t congenital, and it made him smaller than his identical twin. I also read about another set where one had pituitary gigantism, and started to grow a lot, suddenly, when they were teenagers. There mother mentioned it to their doctor, because she was actually concerned that the smaller one wasn’t growing. I also know a set of female identical twins who used to look exactly alike, but one of them has Addison’s disease, and now they don’t look alike anymore. On the other hand, some twins do just look alike, the way some non-twin sibs look alike, but you can tell them apart because they are different ages. I knew a set who you could tell were not identical when you saw them side-by-side, but if you ran into just one of them some place, it was hard to figure out which one. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/34 "2014-06-05T22:37:40Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > My son is 4’5.5 at age 7. But his father had an unusual growth pattern-- he was always a head taller than the rest of his class through the 8th grade, then he never had an adolescent growth spurt. He went into high school already 5’9, and grew just five more inches, slowly, over the next four years. So DS will probably end up around 6’2, like his father. This was me in high school. I entered 8th grade at like 5’7" and was taller than almost everyone in my class. But over the next five years, I only grew two inches. I added another inch in college and ended up very average after assuming I’d be a giant all through grade school. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/35 "2014-06-05T22:45:49Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > How come I thought you were identical? Do you just look a lot alike or am I high or something? We look like we could be identical. Our faces are just eerily similar. ---
**Author:** ![SlackerInc](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slackerinc/32/275_2.png) [@SlackerInc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlackerInc)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/36 "2014-06-05T23:10:03Z")
Lots of great comments ITT, thanks everyone. > [@RivkahChaya](#): > > The sled guy was way out of line. How young could your son possibly look? Unless he looked younger than eight, and I find it hard to believe he looked that young, I wouldn’t think sledding alone would be dangerous. I’ll let you be the judge; I’m too close to really say how young he looks. [Here’s a group shot](http://postimg.org/image/vns6f36e5/) of the four kids from February, around the time of that sledding incident. From left to right, their ages were at that time three, ten (I misspoke earlier as that was a couple months before her eleventh birthday), fourteen, and one. [Here’s John](http://postimg.org/image/584ee2s1p/) (the fourteen year old) as he actually looked when sledding, although it’s not very close up. If you are familiar with the roll-up “sleds” sold at Wal-Mart, that can help provide scale. I did wonder what proponents of “free range parenting” (which is sometimes a bit too extreme for me, even) would have thought about that phone call, even if he were younger. > [@elbows](#): > > You had a chance to educate her, having son wait in the hall a moment. “I’m his Mom and will always find him adorable and cute but you see, just now he’s a 14 yr old male who’s feeling self conscious over his height and ‘cute/adorable’ will ruin his day. I know you meant well and all, so I just thought I’d share a little, have a nice day!” Yeah, I was really torn about this. [I’m his dad, BTW.] I liked what \*\*Yllaria \*\*said: > [@Yllaria](#): > > I wouldn’t have said anything at the time, **SlackerInc** , just because your son wouldn’t have benefited from it being made into a big deal. I’m on the fence about a short, calm note later. Some people just haven’t considered that it might be embarassing, and can learn, while others will never get it. > > Sorry he had to put up with it. I suspect she would still feel defensive and think I’m being a jerk for calling her out for making a “nice” comment. Speaking of which: > [@missred](#): > > Flip side of the coin here. As a woman of a certain age, guys young enough to be a son or (gasp!) a grandson will sometimes be referred to as a cutie-patootie or some such phrase. I likely wouldn’t have used the words that the woman at the school used, but I may have commented, moreso if he had a sweet, polite and/or bubbly personality. > > I seriously doubt that it was meant the way that it was interpreted. He does have a sweet and polite personality, to strangers at least (LOL). But I’m not sure how to take your last sentence. I did say right from the get-go that she was “well-intentioned”, right? So how did I interpret it vs. what she meant? I just think that even if women of a “certain age” (and yes, this woman was probably just about old enough to be a grandmother, or almost anyway–early fifties would be my best guess) call young people “cute” or “adorable”, we have to keep in mind that she also added “little”: “cute little guy”. She was talking about him like he was a newborn puppy or something. Well-intentioned \*and \*thoughtless: I still think both descriptors fit. > [@bump](#): > > So what formula is that? I’m curious if my sons will be monstrous tall or just normal height, since my wife and I are both over 6’ (I’m 6’1" and she’s 6’2") It was several years ago, so I’m really not sure now where I found it. It took his height, age, and sex, and his mother’s and my adult height, and did some kind of voodoo with it, is all I recall (plus the number it spit out: 5’2"). Sorry! But I do agree with the consensus: were I a betting man (and I am, LOL) I’d say 6’4" would be a good guess for your sons’ ultimate heights, plus or minus a couple inches. > [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I tower over you at 5’2, and I agree that some aspects of it are annoying, but are you seriously saying that being a 5’0 woman sucks as much as being a 5’4 guy? Yeah, I ultimately agree with you (and \*\*LavenderBlue \*\*and **SicksAte** ). I can see that for a strong feminist woman, especially if she wants to be a politician or climb the corporate ladder, being really short (and likely also having a kind of chirpy high voice) would be a serious detriment. But those things are hard for really short guys to achieve too (especially nowadays, I think). In the women’s case, the extreme petiteness accentuates gender stereotypes; in men’s, it works against them but not in a helpful way. It might be close to a draw in terms of careers and whatnot; but I think where it really is clearly much worse for guys is in finding a mate. (At least if they are straight–I actually at one point really hoped that John would turn out to be gay, but it very much seems like he is not.) And there it’s just no contest: a petite woman is going to have a much easier time attracting members of the opposite sex than a small guy is. John has even decided already (much to my dismay) that he is resigned to never being married, and just being the celibate uncle. ☹ He also has ambitions to be a French professor, which in a vacuum I would find really cool since I am a big Francophile; but given that his intellectual talents would lend themselves well to a law career, I must confess I am kind of rooting for him to go that route as (again, I feel semi-slimy looking at it this way, but I can’t help it) his being a big earner would presumably help ameliorate some of his disadvantage. My mom was worried about this enough three or four years ago that she actually floated the idea of doing hormone treatments, which is controversial (the long-term side effects are unclear) but can often add a few inches if done in early adolescence. Then I looked into it and told her how much it cost, and the whole idea was dropped. If I had enough money to even remotely consider this, it would have been very tempting. > [@doorhinge](#): > > \*No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. > > - Eleanor Roosevelt\* > > What difference does it make if you’re tall, short, thin, or fat if you are a good person and productive? Learn to be a good person, teach your offspring to be good people, and ignore the imagined insults. Life’s too short. I agree with this and definitely live this way as an adult; but honestly, I think it is close to impossible for a fourteen year old, especially a boy who is the shortest in his class, to get this Zen about it. > [@jabiru](#): > > We were concerned about our elder son’s lack of stature when he was about 11 or 12 we took him to an endocrinologist who determined that Patrick would likely be about 5’8". Colour me happy. I didn’t want him to suffer the sorts of snide comments which are directed at those who are a bit different. He was a late bloomer and never really had that growth spurt which boys get in their early to mid teens. He just kind of grew slowly and reached an adult height of 5’11" > > I know this isn’t your main concern but I just thought I’d mention that those formulae are often wrong. Yeah, thanks. When he was around eleven or twelve, John used to kind of cling to that hope, that a growth spurt was around the corner. I tried to take a more realistic/pessimistic approach (which is funny because in most ways, he’s more the pessimist and I more the optimist) as I didn’t want to get his hopes up. But it’s interesting to know that even at fourteen and a half, it’s possible that he could slowly work his way up to a higher height. I wouldn’t bet on it, though, just because of not only his mother’s and sister’s height, but that although my parents were average height (dad 5’11", mom 5’5"), my mom says one of her uncles was really short and in fact a “champion flyweight boxer”. **Monstro** , where can I see photos of you and your sister? You’ve got me curious! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/37 "2014-06-05T23:22:29Z")
> [@SlackerInc](#): > > **Monstro** , where can I see photos of you and your sister? You’ve got me curious! 🙂 And have everybody calling me the elf? No way! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/38 "2014-06-05T23:42:21Z")
> [@SlackerInc](#): > > Here’s a group shot of the four kids from February, around the time of that sledding incident. From left to right, their ages were at that time three, ten (I misspoke earlier as that was a couple months before her eleventh birthday), fourteen, and one. He looks younger than 14, but he looks old enough to be sledding alone, which is to say, he looks at least 11. The guy was out of line even if your kids actually were a couple of years younger. > [@](#): > > Here’s John Aww! My son’s name is John too! He’s young enough that we still call him Johnny, but at some point, I’m sure he’ll insist on “John.” > [@](#): > > My mom was worried about this enough three or four years ago that she actually floated the idea of doing hormone treatments, which is controversial (the long-term side effects are unclear) but can often add a few inches if done in early adolescence. Then I looked into it and told her how much it cost, and the whole idea was dropped. If I had enough money to even remotely consider this, it would have been very tempting. I wasn’t aware that worked if he wasn’t actually deficient, and if he was-- if he had “pituitary dwarfism” or something-- insurance would pay for it. You could have a blood test to see if he is HGH deficient, can’t you? > [@](#): > > **Monstro** , where can I see photos of you and your sister? You’ve got me curious! 🙂 Just photos of your faces. ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/39 "2014-06-06T02:40:50Z")
> [@SlackerInc](#): > > Yeah, thanks. When he was around eleven or twelve, John used to kind of cling to that hope, that a growth spurt was around the corner. I tried to take a more realistic/pessimistic approach (which is funny because in most ways, he’s more the pessimist and I more the optimist) as I didn’t want to get his hopes up. But it’s interesting to know that even at fourteen and a half, it’s possible that he could slowly work his way up to a higher height. I wouldn’t bet on it, though, just because of not only his mother’s and sister’s height, but that although my parents were average height (dad 5’11", mom 5’5"), my mom says one of her uncles was really short and in fact a “champion flyweight boxer”. At 14 (and 16, for that matter) Patrick was still the shortest boy in his class, by a long shot. He joined the Air Force at 19 and we didn’t see as much of him as when he’d been living at home and the extra height he gained after that time was more obvious than if he’d still been living here. He kept growing (slowly) long after his school friends had finished their growth spurts and is taller than many of them now. I think he probably reached his final, adult height at about age 22 or 23. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2014, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087/40 "2014-06-06T04:17:36Z")
> [@jabiru](#): > > At 14 (and 16, for that matter) Patrick was still the shortest boy in his class, by a long shot. He joined the Air Force at 19 and we didn’t see as much of him as when he’d been living at home and the extra height he gained after that time was more obvious than if he’d still been living here. He kept growing (slowly) long after his school friends had finished their growth spurts and is taller than many of them now. I think he probably reached his final, adult height at about age 22 or 23. On the flip side, I reached my full height at 15. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-even-well-intentioned-people-be-so-thoughtless/690087.md?page=3)