# How can I approach this girl in a way that's not creepy? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 7, 2009, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845 "2009-02-07T21:46:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/81 "2009-02-08T21:14:22Z")
If she likes you nothing you do will seem creepy, if she doesn’t like you everything you do will seem creepy. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2009, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/82 "2009-02-08T22:28:59Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I’ll add that you actually have to honestly like the singer/movie/book/whatever in common. Not that I think you’re faking the like for the singer, **Vox** … but I can tall you what happens if you do fake it. Right, but his interest is legit. When talking about it, you might say, “There are a couple of lines in this song that I don’t understand,” and ask for help. > [@Vox\_Imperatoris](#): > > What exactly do you mean by “grabbing a bite to eat”? An actual dinner date sounds way too formal, and there aren’t really any non-sit-down places around that you would want to take someone to, unless Burger King is your idea of a charming setting. Lemme back up. I grew up in a small town that was 99% caucasian. The other 1% was Hispanic. They pretty much kept to themselves and there was a fair amount of (undeserved, I think) prejudice toward them. Maybe I’m reading too much into the “she sticks with the other Germans” aspect, but groups like that tend to segregate themselves. They may not know what’s available like you do. So I’m not even suggesting dinner, necessarily. Do you know where the best gelatto is nearby, or the best fish and chips, or the place that really knows how to make a pizza? You’re young…keep it young. But I perceive this as a chance for you to score points by being her “tour guide.” > [@Vox\_Imperatoris](#): > > And for all the people suggesting “informal setting” and/or “group event”, what kinds of things, specifically, would you suggest? I can’t really think of anything. I don’t really know of any good place to “get a snack” with friends or who I would ask. I realize that I’m kind of “asking how to hang out”, but what can you do? I’ve heard that European teens have far less free time and there are fewer outlets for them than we’d have in the states. If you were here, I’d say: go bowling, go mini golf, go to a pinball or video arcade, maybe shoot pool (but not in a seedy bar…you need a clean, safe place). Do you not have a local hangout for teens (honest question)? Here again, “tour guide” thing. If the singer thing goes over, maybe you can show her the best place to buy CDs locally and/or places that sell tee shirts and such. > [@ShelliBean](#): > > So the main questions seem to be: > > Facebook: yes or no? > > Socializing: group or twosome? > > Where to go: movie, dinner for two, casual coffee/snack > > I am voting for (1) first contact by Facebook, (2) group outing to (3) movies and casual dinner - no where more expensive than Johnny Rockets or maybe a mexican place. > > I really have to disagree with lobotomyboy about the movie. I have always thought a date was pretty much standard to be dinner and a movie for many people. No, you aren’t conversing during the screen time, but it does give you something to talk about afterward and you start to figure out each other’s tastes and general attitude. I vote 1) no, man up and face-to-face, but easy, 2) group outing but I realize that may be difficult, 3) movie is ok but only ok…I’d want something more interactive and fun. ShelliBean, not that it pertains to the OP, but I’ve learned to avoid dinner and a movie because it’s formula. Women take it as, “Wow, you didn’t spend any creativity planning this, did you?” At his age, that may not apply. And I suppose there’s a certain comfort for the young lady, i.e. she has some idea what to expect. **An Gadaí** said: \*If she likes you nothing you do will seem creepy, if she doesn’t like you everything you do will seem creepy. \* I’d say: If she likes you nothing you do will seem creepy **to her** ; if she doesn’t like you everything you do will seem creepy **to you** , but not necessarily to her. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2009, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/83 "2009-02-08T23:11:00Z")
**lobotomyboy** Then you are probably a fun date. But I am thinking he has the advantage of youth where nothing is routine yet so he can stick to something safe and easy. No offense to **Voxxy** , but he really doesn’t seem to have any experience in this _at all_, and you don’t go trying the fancy dives your first time in the pool. Plus I’d be willing to bet he’s going to be nervous as shit and a movie would be a welcome distraction. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2009, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/84 "2009-02-08T23:32:17Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > **An Gadaí** said: > > \*If she likes you nothing you do will seem creepy, if she doesn’t like you everything you do will seem creepy. \* > > I’d say: > If she likes you nothing you do will seem creepy **to her** ; if she doesn’t like you everything you do will seem creepy **to you** , but not necessarily to her. I prefer my version. I know plenty of women who go on about this creepy guy who “like tried to talk to me and stuff” or buy them a drink, or gave them a compliment wherein creepy just means they don’t like them so don’t want their attention. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2009, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/85 "2009-02-08T23:52:05Z")
> [@Tijuana\_Golds](#): > > Just remember that cigarettes are cool. [No.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=504481) [No,](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=504428) [they’re not.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=502485) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/86 "2009-02-09T00:23:58Z")
First of all, **Vox** , why did I think you were in London? :smack: Guess I’m confusing you with another poster. OK, substitute ice cream for gelatto (unless you can get gelatto, mmboy!), full speed ahead on the putt putt etc. and instead of fish and chips…I don’t know, what good takeout can you get around there? > [@ShelliBean](#): > > **lobotomyboy** > Then you are probably a fun date. But I am thinking he has the advantage of youth where nothing is routine yet so he can stick to something safe and easy. No offense to **Voxxy** , but he really doesn’t seem to have any experience in this _at all_, and you don’t go trying the fancy dives your first time in the pool. Plus I’d be willing to bet he’s going to be nervous as shit and a movie would be a welcome distraction. Are you busy Saturday night, Shelli? 😛 A few things stick out about me giving **Vox** advice…1) I’m 25+ years older than him, and 2) I’m from the Midwest; he isn’t. What was cool in my day may not be cool now; what was cool where I grew up may not be where he is. And then of course, 3) our yardstick of success is German, so there’s even more potential difference of what’s cool there. FTR, I’ve taken my last two “big first dates” to the drive-in movie. Went bowling and shot pool with one, played putt putt and air hockey with the other. It may be a cry for help, I dinno. :smack: One assumption that I might question (literally—I’m not disagreeing, but I’m not sure) is the duration of the proposed date. She’s more likely to agree to a half hour date for a coke than a dinner/movie scenario that may take up 4 hours. And it’s less nervousness for the OP as well. He might like to start slow till he gets his confidence. I might suggest, dopers, that we give lots of ideas and let him mull them. I would also suggest we try to give low- or no-cost ideas because as a young man, he may not have lots of money to burn. 1. Maybe a picnic in the park. Pack some food, take a ball to kick around (got a guitar?). 2. Check out museums to see if interesting events are upcoming. 3. Window shopping, have a snack. 4. Tell us about YOU, OP. Ideally a date would be something you both enjoy, so think of all the things you enjoy and ask yourself if she might enjoy them as well. If a friend came in from out of town, where would you take them to show them a good time? > [@An\_Gadai](#): > > I prefer my version. I know plenty of women who go on about this creepy guy who “like tried to talk to me and stuff” or buy them a drink, or gave them a compliment wherein creepy just means they don’t like them so don’t want their attention. I know what you mean. OTOH as you imply, it’s more about them than the guy. I don’t think \*\*Vox \*\*is going to push that envelope, so if she’s skeeved, that’s on her and not him. And if that happens to **Vox** , he needs to avoid attributing the blame to himself. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/87 "2009-02-09T01:16:52Z")
Ohhh I love the museum idea. Saturday night I am working. I get off around 9 unless the longtime drinkers are there. 🙂 For the length of the date - I would be offended if a guy asked me out for a 30 minute date on a weekend. It would seem like I was a time-passing activity until he got out with friends he \*really \*wanted to spend time with. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/88 "2009-02-09T02:01:21Z")
You’re asking how you can approach this girl, and you’re telling everyone who suggests a way why he or she is wrong. Well, shit, then, you tell us. How can you? Of course, the real answer is, any fucking way you like. Look, if somebody else had the ability to take over your body for you for the day tomorrow, he or she could walk into the school, walk past this girl in the hallway and fall down violently into her and form a relationship that way. Why the hell not? Nothing matters except that you spit a couple of nervous burbling words in her direction. Or monotone self-loathing words. Or incoherent threatening words. It really doesn’t matter at all. Every way is a way you CAN approach her. What you’re looking for is a magical, easy, comfortable way you can approach her. One might present itself at some point or another, but you’re going to be all anxious and kind of annoying until it does. As an alternative, you could just buck up and do almost _anything_ and break the ice. If you’re worried about a face-to-face, what the hell, use Facebook. If you can screw up the courage, just walk up to her and say “Germany, eh? That’s a fucking different country from the one I’m from.” Anything, man, anything. You’re arguing because you’re not convinced, but the reason you aren’t convinced is that you’re scared, and that’s cool. I get the playing out of the conversation in your head, I really do. And I get how much nicer it is when you’ve planned everything out to a certainty. If you want to know the truth, though, there’s an almost perfect negative correlation between my behaving the way I felt like I wanted to (and not, e.g., the way everyone else seemed to act and the way that’s being suggested in this thread) and my actual success. I can tell you that there were lots and lots of times where I took the neurotic paralysis-by-analysis approach to things with a hot girl, and guess what? Most of the time I never talked to her. The times I did were guaranteed to be disappointing, and so they were. By contrast, this one time in college I saw a girl walking, and she was really beautiful, and she was carrying her sandals instead of wearing them, and without thinking I said “Um, I don’t think shoes work when you use them like that” or something, and we had a nice little talk. And it was nice. And _then_ I started in with the overthinking and the bullshit, and I never had a nice talk with her again. I’m just saying. The short version is, shut up about how, because it doesn’t matter. Just do anything. It doesn’t have to be impressive. It doesn’t have to be spectacular. She isn’t going to know if you “fail” in your “mission” unless you make it really obvious, which you won’t do unless you plan it like a mission. She won’t know you’re waiting for her if you don’t want her to know - people generally don’t think about other people like at all. Just navigate your ass over somewhere near her at some point, and trot something out there. Personally in high school I relied on the old tried-and-true make fun of school because ha ha ha school is lame tactic. Or the wrong fact gambit - just say something wrong and be corrected. It _doesn’t matter_, I promise. Just talk. And then the next time you won’t need an excuse. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/89 "2009-02-09T02:03:24Z")
> [@ShelliBean](#): > > Ohhh I love the museum idea. Saturday night I am working. I get off around 9 unless the longtime drinkers are there. > 🙂 > > For the length of the date - I would be offended if a guy asked me out for a 30 minute date on a weekend. It would seem like I was a time-passing activity until he got out with friends he \*really \*wanted to spend time with. Mmkay, so pick you up at 9:00? 😉 Yeah, I guess it depends on how it’s framed. I wouldn’t call it a date, exactly. Just, “Hey, want to get some ice cream?” After school that might be okay, but on a weekend, not so much. It’s funny how I can’t shed my middle-aged notions. I mean, a lot of fogeys start with the “safe lunch” thing. If you don’t hit it off at least you didn’t invest too much in it and can get away etc. Then if both are agreeable you graduate to the “date date.” But I think you’re right, \*\*Shelli. \*\* That age group probably wouldn’t hesitate and would be confused why someone only wanted to spend a little time instead of a lot. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/90 "2009-02-09T02:50:24Z")
> [@Vox\_Imperatoris](#): > > And I’m already friends with her on Facebook, so all I’d have to do is send a message. Then do it. 🙂 Personally, I think it would be easy to come across as stalkerish or creepy if you seem to be going out of your way to run into her or talk her in person, so I think using Facebook to introduce yourself properly is the way to go. Once you’ve broken the ice that way, you can start trying to find excuses to talk to her in person. ---
**Author:** ![Vox\_Imperatoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Vox\_Imperatoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vox_Imperatoris)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/91 "2009-02-09T03:20:17Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > Then do it. 🙂 Personally, I think it would be easy to come across as stalkerish or creepy if you seem to be going out of your way to run into her or talk her in person, so I think using Facebook to introduce yourself properly is the way to go. > Once you’ve broken the ice that way, you can start trying to find excuses to talk to her in person. Alright, I guess I’ll do this tomorrow. (I have paper to frantically finish writing tonight, and she’s not online, anyway.) And I’ll worry about what kind of activity to do when the time comes. Valete, Vox Imperatoris ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Sensitive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Darth\_Sensitive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Sensitive)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/92 "2009-02-09T03:22:35Z")
20 year old guy checking in. Don’t drive to school for a couple days, actually take the carpool thingy home. Talk to her then. _If_ (and it’s unlikely) it comes up, just say you caught a ride in this morning. That’s the truth and not creepy. Reasons for use if pressed (bonus points if true): low air pressure, wouldn’t start, funny sound, someone else needed it, monkeys stole it, low gas, paint the wrong color, or - my favorite - couldn’t find keys. ---
**Author:** ![SurrenderDorothy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/surrenderdorothy/32/1221_2.png) [@SurrenderDorothy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SurrenderDorothy)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/93 "2009-02-09T03:29:44Z")
Comment on her stuff on facebook instead of sending her a message. Like her status and her pictures and stuff or maybe one of her interests. don’t expect her to respond or be disappointed if she doesn’t and don’t comment on every single thing she ever does. Do ask direct, easy-to-answer questions. “How are you?” probably won’t work, but “you like The Jonas Brothers? me too! Which one is your favorite?” (god help you if you actually like the Jonas Brothers.) is easy to answer. If you comment on her stuff she’ll at least hear your name and get that you notice her in a positive way. And she’ll probably check your facebook too, especially if she’s not really sure who you are. ---
**Author:** ![Vox\_Imperatoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Vox\_Imperatoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vox_Imperatoris)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/94 "2009-02-09T03:32:14Z")
Actually, I kind of forgot to mention this: I have tennis practice from 2:15 to 4:00 and wouldn’t be able to leave at 3:00 if I wanted to (I just happened to start driving at the same time practice started). And before you bring it up, even if I skipped practice, she has track at that same time, which I had forgotten about. I only know that because I saw her once in track uniform. Valete, Vox Imperatoris ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/95 "2009-02-09T03:36:16Z")
Facebook it is then. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/96 "2009-02-09T03:40:16Z")
22 year old here and this could be way late but regardless… Personally I am fine with messaging her on facebook. As long as you don;t profess her undying love for her simply saying a “Hey I’ve noticed you around at school wanna hang out sometime” doesn’t seem like a bad idea. As it has been said, the worst that will happen is she will say no, and even if she doesn’t “get” what you’re doing right away eventually she will probably just have the thought of “oh he’s trying to ask me out” and leave it at that. She’s not gonna openly demean you in the halls at school. When it comes to hanging out, again we all seem to be failing at what there is to do in your small part of the world (Italy is it?), but USE facebook. She a football (soccer) fan? She like movies? Shopping? find something in that about me section and use it. Your school have sports? If she cares (or even only goes to hang out with friends) ask her “Can we meet up the next time? I’d love to hang out with you”. I am eager to hear what happens though! ---
**Author:** ![Vox\_Imperatoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Vox\_Imperatoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vox_Imperatoris)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/97 "2009-02-09T03:43:45Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > When it comes to hanging out, again we all seem to be failing at what there is to do in your small part of the world (Italy is it?), but USE facebook. Okay, I assume you’re not joking here, so this is even more hilarious. I live in the small European country known as Alabama. 😃 (And now you see why there’s nothing to do. ;)) Valete, Vox Imperatoris ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/98 "2009-02-09T03:45:50Z")
> [@Vox\_Imperatoris](#): > > Okay, I assume you’re not joking here, so this is even more hilarious. I live in the small European country known as Alabama. 😃 > > (And now you see why there’s nothing to do. ;)) > > Valete, > Vox Imperatoris Ok here is the reason I wasn’t joking… In some thread I mentioned something about the Mediterranean being beautful, and you responded by saying “looking out my window” yes it is So I thought that’s where you were or at least I SWEAR that happened… ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/99 "2009-02-09T03:47:55Z")
> [@Vox\_Imperatoris](#): > > Okay, I assume you’re not joking here, so this is even more hilarious. I live in the small European country known as Alabama. 😃 > > (And now you see why there’s nothing to do. ;)) > > Valete, > Vox Imperatoris Oh for god’s sake just tell me where you are and I’ll go ask the girl out for you. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2009, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845/100 "2009-02-09T04:04:01Z")
**Vox Imperatoris** , run up to her and hand her a note with “Ich liebe dich” written on it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-approach-this-girl-in-a-way-thats-not-creepy/484845.md?page=6)