# How can I get my socially awkward son to learn social skills? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 22, 2012, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935 "2012-06-22T13:30:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/21 "2012-06-22T17:32:50Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Can’t he just be weird? Why does it have to Asperger’s? > [@Babale](#): > > I don’t think diagnosing people with things is always the right way to go. … Well the advantage of recognizing that it “sounds like” Asperger Syndrome (AS) is that labelled or not finding out how parents of those kids best handle those issues may give some good ideas, whether this kid is or should be labelled as such or not. It suggests a set of potentially useful tools, if intervention is warranted. If it is impairing his function (for example, if as a result he has few friends and is getting upset over that) then it i_s_ worth intervening. Does he, _like_ those kids with AS, do very well at memorizing information and rules? If so then the technique of explicitly teaching a set of rules for social interactions for him to memorize and practice, be it at home with you, or in an official “social skills group” (and that is where a label can help, a label, if appropriate, can get you access to such services) will be useful. The general concept is teach the rule, demonstrate a model of the application of the rule, have him practice applying it in as-if circumstances and then in real life under observed conditions. Some parents also have a code word or signal to let their kid know it is time to let someone else talk or let the subject change. Does he have a hard time reading other’s non-verbal cues, like facial expressions? If so, this can also be practiced in a game context at home (and is a standard part of the Asperger treatment toolkit). If not then don’t use those tools. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/22 "2012-06-22T17:41:55Z")
Just treat him like a young adult and tell him the truth. " Son, I agree that llamas are cool, but not everyone is into them. Chill with the llama stuff." Let him know that he is expected to participate in conversations, not re-direct them to seek attention. The rest is probably just 12-year old boy weirdness. It will work itself out. Ensure that he has opportunities to explore a lot of different social events including sports and intellectual pursuits. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/23 "2012-06-22T17:51:45Z")
One more comment - workbooks like [this one](http://www.amazon.com/Training-Children-Adolescents-Asperger-Social-Communications/dp/193128220X) have skill building exercises for children and teens whether the cause of the social difficulty is AS or just a relative weakness. You are potentially intervening for the difficulty that your child is having, not to a label. ---
**Author:** ![Deegeea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Deegeea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deegeea)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/24 "2012-06-22T17:52:11Z")
You can send him to social skills classes. Whether or not they will help, I can’t say for sure. My son has some of the same issues (but not all) and put up with several rounds of social skills classes. It helped in some ways, not in others - he is making progress but I wouldn’t say he’s exactly any good at it. The suggestion RickJay made is along the same line. If you know how yourself, you can teach these things to him yourself (I have no idea, hence the classes). I took some parent-oriented social skills classes myself to try to help him too, but when I attempt to discuss it with him he always changes the subject or refuses to talk anymore at all to me. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/25 "2012-06-22T18:08:00Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > So I’ve heard. It’s actually starting to piss me off actually. But how is it bad advice to at least \*look into \*the possibility? A persistent inability to read social cues can be more than just run-of-the-mill cluelessness. Of course none of us know the kid and can say anything more than “get this checked out.” But some people would rather advocate doing nothing, it’s just a phase, that’s just how he is. Maybe that IS just how he is, and it’s not a big deal. But none of us are qualified to make that call on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![akennett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee59a6/32.png) [@akennett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akennett)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/26 "2012-06-22T20:38:38Z")
Forget all the Aspie stuff. Just sit him down and tell him you’ll buy him a new car at age 16…but only if he gets laid before then. That’ll motivate him to learn his social skills. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/27 "2012-06-22T21:29:33Z")
I’m not sure there’s anything you can or _should_ do (other than offer encouragement). It doesn’t sound like anything too serious, really. Plus, within a couple of years, puberty is going to hit and everything will change. I’ve seen a lot of dorky kids hit puberty and after the initial awkwardness, turn into surprisingly well-adjusted teenagers. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/28 "2012-06-22T21:51:59Z")
I didn’t realize you were my parent. Oh, you also have my age wrong by about 4X. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/29 "2012-06-22T21:55:07Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > He’s fine with eye contact. By weird topics, I mean one week he’ll try and turn every conversation to being about llamas, and the next week he’ll just want to talk about cheez-whiz. I don’t know, he sounds pretty awesome to me. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/30 "2012-06-23T00:14:14Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > His older brother (he’s 15) and his younger sister (10) are both very social, popular kids. They try to give him social pointers (not always kindly) but he is just oblivious to them. I would be willing to bet that he’s not oblivious. Who’s going to take unkind advice from jerky siblings? > [@shiftless](#): > > Ah, the middle child. That was me too, even the age gaps. When they gave me pointers I felt the need to do the exact opposite. I am also a middle child, and I concur. > [@Maeglin](#): > > Is this actually making him unhappy? … and this is a question that merits careful consideration. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/31 "2012-06-23T00:46:58Z")
You could gently talk about it, which would probably be best. Also, does he have self-esteem issues? Sometimes kids come across as really weird and awkward when they’re trying too hard to impress people. I worry when people bring up autism and Aspberger’s. If you’re concerned about it, do some research. But unless he’s unhappy or having trouble functioning, I’d have to wonder whether having him officially tested might make him feel like something’s wrong with him. And for what it’s worth, I was ridiculously awkward until I was in college. Mostly it was in an effort to impress people - what they don’t tell you is that when you try too hard you can really put people off. My son is the same way and he’s only 6. His teacher originally suggested that he had ADD; we saw a counselor and talked to his pediatrician, both of whom felt he was absolutely fine, though pretty bright and very insecure. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/32 "2012-06-23T05:46:25Z")
Does your son care? If he doesn’t care, you can’t teach him. You seem acutely aware of the awkwardness, as do his siblings, but you mention he doesn’t know how he looks to other people. If nothing about the situation bothers him, there is absolutely no way you or his sibs (or his teachers or the other kids at school or…) can make anything stick. If he’s frustrated by how other people treat him, but doesn’t seem to be able to pick up on the smaller negative reactions that come before the really big ones that upset him, then you might be able to do something. It’s possible he just doesn’t pay enough attention to other people to pick up on their reactions. This problem is likely to be self-fixing as soon as he discovers girls (or boys, or both, as the case may be). If he’s also known as a particularly bright or talented kid, there may also be an element of resentment, as he recognizes that when he and the rest of the world come into conflict, the rest of the world blithely insists that he learn their social language, while they make no effort to learn his. He probably thinks that’s deeply unfair, and he is correct, but it doesn’t excuse him from having to go along with the plan anyway. When he wants to get someone’s positive attention badly enough, he’ll learn. If he’s _always_ been awkward, and the other kids have consequently _always_ treated him the same way, then he might be stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle: His cohort sees him as the “weird kid” and interprets anything he does as “weird” no matter what it is, and since everything gets the same reaction from the other kids he has no opportunity to learn socialization the normal way, i.e., by making boneheaded mistakes and learning how to fix them. He may just need someone to spell it out for him, since the lack of feedback makes it very difficult to figure out the rules inductively. If that’s the case, it might be a good idea to find him a particularly nerdy counselor who specializes in working with autistic kids, whether your son is actually on the spectrum or not. Most people learn how to get along with others pretty much by trial and error. Do this and people are happy, don’t do that and people get ticked at you. Consequently, they’ve never had to develop conscious awareness of what social signals look like independent of their meaning. You ask, “How did you know he was bored with what you were talking about?” and they say, “Because he looked bored,” without being able to tell you what exactly bored looks like. The people who work with kids on the autism spectrum have experience taking these things that most humans interpret instinctively and translating them into descriptions that can be interpreted analytically instead. I wish I could get more specific with resources – I do a lot of writing about people-reading and trying to put social skills into words – but I don’t know your son, and without more details I’d just be spitballing kind of at random. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/33 "2012-06-23T10:56:40Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > Ben is 12. He talks about weird topics others aren’t interested in and won’t drop them even with very clear signs that the other person wants him to. He tells jokes others don’t find funny, over and over and over. He’ll talk long after people want him to be quiet. > > Part of the social awkwardness is he has no idea that he annoys people, and doesn’t recognize how he comes across to others. > > How can I increase his awareness and get him to learn social skills? This young man is destined to be a programmer! Get him some software books. (Sorry I can’t help, I’m a programmer, if I knew how to be less socially awkward I wouldn’t be alone now… 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/34 "2012-06-23T12:00:33Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > But how is it bad advice to at least \*look into \*the possibility? A persistent inability to read social cues can be more than just run-of-the-mill cluelessness. Of course none of us know the kid and can say anything more than “get this checked out.” But some people would rather advocate doing nothing, it’s just a phase, that’s just how he is. Maybe that IS just how he is, and it’s not a big deal. But none of us are qualified to make that call on the internet. People that weren’t nerdy 12-year old boys never understand this part: we were all like that and we just wish people would stop making a big deal out of everything. When I was 15, my mom did the same thing that **shiftless** ’ mom did. She was very worried that I didn’t seem to like girls and that if I didn’t fix that now, I’d be alone forever, or some nonsense. Do you have any idea how stressful that is when the reason you don’t “like” girls yet is because you know you’re a weird geek and it’s really fuckin’ hard to talk to them about anything, let alone something that would make them want to talk back? And don’t even get me started on the siblings offering “helpful” advice. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/35 "2012-06-23T14:13:35Z")
To some degree, all kids is weird, so try to not get too upset or worried. I used, among other things, “Social Skills Activities for Special Children” by Mannix (which I always like to add is good for ‘not-special’ children, too). [http://www.amazon.com/Activities-Special-Children-Jossey-Bass-Teacher/dp/0470259353/ref=sr\_1\_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340459633&sr=8-1&keywords=social+skills+activities+for+special+children](http://www.amazon.com/Activities-Special-Children-Jossey-Bass-Teacher/dp/0470259353/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340459633&sr=8-1&keywords=social+skills+activities+for+special+children) This book is very useful in outlining and articulating the subtle cues that most people just seem to learn through experience or are trained to use. Some folks do not pick up on these cues easily and need help. You have seen folks train their kids to do things such as “Shake hands, look them in the eye and say ‘hello’.” But you probably have not seen anyone train a child to do things such as pay attention or when to time jumping into a group conversation. This book may have an exercise on “Paying Attention”. (My copy is out on loan so I’m using my memory here and making up an example. This example may not be entirely accurate.) It might ask “Why is paying attention important?” “How can you show you are paying attention?” “How can you tell if people are paying attention to you?”- with answers. Every lesson ends with an activity- a role play or a visual, etc. Each lesson is only one page (front and back). The book has maybe 150-200 topics. I found it extremely useful. Even if the particular behavior you need to address is not present, you will easily learn how to set it up yourself using their simple format and you can design the teaching yourself. I did not find it necessary to sit with the kid and ‘do lessons’, I just found that I could find the topic I needed to address and ‘do the lesson’ is a casual, conversational way. My child had lots of other support- physical and occupational therapy, speech and language therapy and formal social skills training from professionals, many therapies beginning shortly after his birth (because of other problems- the autism was not diagnosed until years later). I tried to supplement these trainings at home and he has done very, very well. Today, he is more likely to be described as quirky, rather than autistic. We have been very fortunate on many levels to have has such a good outcome and we love our unique and quirky kid just as he is! Social skills training helps smooth over the rough parts when dealing with non-family. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/36 "2012-06-23T14:22:34Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > Ben is 12. He talks about weird topics others aren’t interested in and won’t drop them even with very clear signs that the other person wants him to. If he’s not dropping the subject then the signs aren’t clear. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/37 "2012-06-23T18:31:08Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > If he’s not dropping the subject then the signs aren’t clear. …to him. As a geeky, unattractive, sometimes obsessed kid, I could have used social-skills training. I had no idea of what I was missing, or its depths; I just knew that something was wrong, and I was desperately-unhappy. In high school, I couldn’t connect with people, or walk into a room and just start conversing, or anything like that. I couldn’t get a date to save my life. And this didn’t help my confidence, which was fragile-to-nonexistent to begin with. It wasn’t until counseling many years later that I started to learn some social skills. And such things still don’t come naturally. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/38 "2012-06-23T19:53:39Z")
You asked this [same question](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=650893) before, and the impression I’m getting is that you want Ben to be less of a nerd, and more popular, somehow. Like you said last time, he does have a few friends, or at least one really good one, and a few casual friends. That’s a good thing. Maybe you could talk to him about his “quirks”, but I don’t think he’s going to change into the “ultimate popular kid”. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/39 "2012-06-23T20:08:10Z")
Maybe the people around him are just lame. I mean, who doesn’t want to talk about llamas? ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935/40 "2012-06-23T21:17:28Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > How can I increase his awareness and get him to learn social skills? Have you tried positive reinforcement? Ignore the bad behavior. Point out and compliment the good behavior. In this case, when he talks about something awkward, don’t engage him in a conversation. Whenever he talks about something normal, then you engage. Ask the whole family to do the same thing. This might seem harsh, but this is what might happen to him as soon as he goes to college, or soon after his first job. When careers depend on conforming to social norms, the awkward people tend to be viciously ignored. It’s also possible that he’ll get over it once he becomes interested in girls. So you can wait about two years to see if the problem will go away on its own. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-socially-awkward-son-to-learn-social-skills/625935.md?page=3)