# How can I learn to carry on a conversation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 15, 2009, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796 "2009-06-15T02:27:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2009, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/21 "2009-06-15T17:02:56Z")
> [@Bearflag70](#): > > Print this and keep it in your pocket. When a conversation lags, unfold it and read it aloud. That’d be a topic in and of itself, lol. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2009, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/22 "2009-06-15T18:30:46Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > I always like to recommend the book _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie. Ugh, what a horrible title. It sounds so manipulative. But the advice in it is really sound, and there is a section on just what you are asking about. > > But, yeah, as someone pointed out…people like to talk about themselves. Just keep asking specific questions and sound really interested. Try to not to interrupt with your own thoughts. Wait until a natural pause in the conversation and say what’s on your mind. Nothing on your mind? Just keep asking questions This would totally not work on me. I _don’t_ like talking about myself. I find my self rather boring. There are hundreds of subjects I find more interesting and would rather talk about than my self. So, when I first read that book and encountered that advice, I wanted to call BS on it. But I have since found that it is true of some people. Some people like to talk. Those are the easy ones to have a conversation with, because they’ll do most of the work. All you have to do is give them the opportunity to talk, and listen to them and respond to them. But one thing I had to learn—it probably seems obvious to other people, but at one time it wasn’t to me—is that it’s not enough to listen to someone. You have to let them _know_ you’re listening. It’s not like listening to the radio or a lecture or something, where all you have to do is hear and undestand and process what’s being said. In a conversation, you have to give some feedback (verbal and/or nonverbal) that you hear and understand: nod, maintain eye contact, summarize what the person said, ask questions. FWIW the best book I know on how to carry on a conversation is Alan Garner’s [Conversationally Speaking](http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245090461&sr=1-1). ---
**Author:** ![Sal\_Ammoniac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sal\_Ammoniac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sal_Ammoniac)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/23 "2009-06-16T01:51:35Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > Lots of conversations end up fizzling, so don’t think it’s just you. If you feel like talking to someone, just talk to them. You aren’t obligated to speak to people who don’t interest you… If the conversation dies, or you start to realize you aren’t interested, treat it like a car that broke down on the road. Just get it out of the way without causing trouble, and don’t try to push the damn thing all the way home. In a thread full of good advice, this stands out for me. At a party, if the conversation falters after a couple of minutes, you’ve done your bit with that person and can move on. What you need in fact is a good exit line: “Christ, I _really_ need to pee!” or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/24 "2009-06-16T05:43:00Z")
Listen to what the other person is saying. Ask more questions based on what she or he has already said. Don’t try to be interesting. Be _interested_. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/25 "2009-06-16T14:54:12Z")
> [@Sal\_Ammoniac](#): > > What you need in fact is a good exit line: “Christ, I _really_ need to pee!” or something like that. If you use that line, don’t just turn around and start chatting with someone else without making your way toward the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/26 "2009-06-16T15:38:22Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Think of a conversation like a Wikipedia article. If you’ve bored of the topic at hand, “click some links” of other keywords in the conversation to find out more. You can spend the entire conversation learning - and you don’t need to know a thing. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve found on Wikipedia? ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/27 "2009-06-16T15:39:17Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > Twenty three years on the planet and I still haven’t figured this one out. So I’m turning to you guys for some help. What I would like is to have most of my social encounters not dive into awkward silence after only a few minutes. > > What can I do to keep up a conversation? Ask people questions about what they are saying. If you know things about the topic insert it. Try not to interrupt people and apologize when you do interupt them, but on the occasion where you get into that, “You speak, no you speak.”, you should take the initiative and speak, otherwise you will never speak. But you should also let others speak, particularly if you think what they are saying will be more interesting that what you are saying. Say things that augment what others are saying. If you agree with someone build on their statement for no longer than 5-10 seconds, and let them carry the ball from there, it’ll engender warm feelings in them that you agreed with them but maintained their status as the focal character. Don’t worry about being the focal character in a discussion. If it becomes you at some point then go for it, if it’s not then no matter. This will allow you to look like a nice an empathetic sort of person, and when it comes your turn to talk you won’t sound like you were straining to get a word in edgewise. Use _I_ statements sparingly. Try not to use the words _I_ and _ME_ most of the time. Generally it’s understood that you are speaking for yourself so you don’t need to point it out. These statements draw attention to your ego, and that can be stilting in conversation. Let your ego relax and just flow with it. Sometimes you want to interject your ego, at this point your sparing use of _I_ and _ME_ will make them more potent when you use them. Last but not least, don’t speak if you have nothing to say. But if it’s awkward you can interject a pleasant, “That’s interesting, I didn’t know that.”, or some other kind of thing. That shows that you were listening and that you care about what they were saying, but you don’t have anything to add. There is no reason to lie to make someone feel better about their conversations, so don’t agree with them if you don’t agree with them. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/28 "2009-06-16T15:44:56Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > Yes, but it also has the single worst piece of advice ever offered: keep repeating the other person’s name, that they love hearing their own name. It drive me up the wall! At trade shows I’ll hide my name badge from random booth critters can’t find it and proceed to Dale me: > > Hi **Gaffa**! How are we doing today, **Gaffa**? Like what you see, **Gaffa**? You shouldn’t do it more than three times. Three times will establish it in your memory and establish it in their memory that you know their name. People like it when you know their name it’s very important to them, it’s the first step in knowing them. I have a common first name that is spelled oddly, so people who know how to spell my name always have a place in my heart. It shows that they paid attention. So no, don’t repeat their name ad nauseum, but you can do a little ritual of repeating it three times. Like this: ‘And you are?’ ‘David’ ‘David?’ ‘Yes, David.’ ‘It’s nice to meet you David.’, shakes David’s hand with eye contact. _have a conversation_ ‘It was nice meeting you David’ _eye contact_ ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/29 "2009-06-16T17:02:05Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > **Friends and Family** > Do you have any kids? “No, we haven’t been able to have kids” accompanied by hangdog look. Experiences like that make me walk on eggshells!! ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/30 "2009-06-16T17:05:41Z")
This is my problem too. I tend to feel like I need to “entertain” the other person, when in actuality, I should be facilitating their talking. It’s just that I hate to talk about stuff like, “so how many kids do you have?” and the usual… I’ve seen people doing the “mirroring” thing, where you mimic the body language of the other person to convey interest, but it looks forced to me. ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/31 "2009-06-16T17:21:20Z")
I wish we had an SDMB practice chat room. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/32 "2009-06-16T17:25:16Z")
> [@wonderlust](#): > > I wish we had an SDMB practice chat room. We do. So what did you want to be when you were seven? ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/33 "2009-06-16T17:29:14Z")
[QUOTE=Sal Ammoniac] At a party, if the conversation falters after a couple of minutes, you’ve done your bit with that person and can move on. What you need in fact is a good exit line: “Christ, I really need to pee!” or something like that. [/QUOTE] “I told you my name was David!” ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/34 "2009-06-16T17:32:59Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > So what did you want to be when you were seven? Eight? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/35 "2009-06-16T20:35:06Z")
> [@wonderlust](#): > > Eight? Heh. Have you ever noticed that people always want to be older than they are, until they turn 21, then they want to be younger? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/36 "2009-06-17T00:41:44Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Heh. Have you ever noticed that people always want to be older than they are, until they turn 21, then they want to be younger? [Chipper Voice] OMG that is soooo true! [/CV] At what age do you think people start looking forward to getting older, once they’re past 21 of course.? If at all. For retirement benefits and such. ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/37 "2009-06-17T03:29:29Z")
> [@](#): > > At what age do you think people start looking forward to getting older, once they’re past 21 of course.? If at all. For retirement benefits and such. I’m 23, 24 in two months. I usually answer “24” to the “how old are you?” question because I’ve already made that switch over in my mind. I suspect I’ll be telling people I’m 30 during my entire 29th year. ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/38 "2009-06-17T03:36:18Z")
I do the same thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to getting older; just that I’ve (slightly prematurely) internalized the fact that it’s happening. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/39 "2009-06-17T12:39:01Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > [Chipper Voice] > > OMG that is soooo true! > > [/CV] > > At what age do you think people start looking forward to getting older, once they’re past 21 of course.? If at all. For retirement benefits and such. 59.5? Where do you plan on retiring? Myself, I’m thinking somewhere with beach access. Do you like the beach? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796/40 "2009-06-17T17:23:19Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > 59.5? Where do you plan on retiring? Myself, I’m thinking somewhere with beach access. Do you like the beach? Do I like the beach? Do I look like some sorta freak? I _love_ the beach. But I refuse to move to Florida when I retire. I don’t like the idea of moving to _the_ place to die (you can obviously tell I’m still quite young lol). I’m gonna be a hip old person. 🆒 What are your thoughts on Florida beaches versus others? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-learn-to-carry-on-a-conversation/499796.md?page=3)