# How can I tell if I am a narcissist? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [July 9, 2004, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240 "2004-07-09T05:00:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skully](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skully](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skully)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/1 "2004-07-09T05:00:58Z")
First off, why are people so concerned about narcissists? Is it that bad of a disorder? I think I might have it though. I don’t really care about anyone else, and recently broke up with a girl I dated because I did not want to give her a birthday gift. I only went out with her because I have not been out with any girl for a while and I needed to preserve my social status. In other words, people were making fun of me because I haven’t dated anyone in a while. Is that narcissistic or do I have it confused with something else? ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/2 "2004-07-09T05:34:12Z")
In a way, going out with someone purely to preserve social status is narcissistic. > [@Dictionary.com](#): > > Narcissism > … > 2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. It’s not necessarily a psychological problem though. What it might be, I couldn’t really say in GQ. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/3 "2004-07-09T06:27:16Z")
Well, I’m not sure the problem is that people are concerned with narcissists, so much as narcissists are only really concerned with themselves. This makes them rather difficult to have a relationship, of any kind, with. Dating someone only to preserve social status does sound rather narcissistic. However, it also sounds rather childish, so I suppose depending on your age you don’t have to start worring yet. If you’re 14, oh well. If you’re 52, it’s perhaps time to grow up. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/4 "2004-07-09T10:41:18Z")
You don’t care about _anyone_ else? Not your parents, siblings, _anyone_? I’d worry about that. Did you ever used to care about anyone? The girlfriend thing makes you a jerk if not a narcissist. Unless you’re in junior high when ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’ are largely courtesy titles and such relationships typically last about a week. If you’re over 18 it probably wouldn’t hurt you to get a bit of counseling and find out what’s up with you. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/5 "2004-07-09T12:25:53Z")
> [@Skully](#): > > First off, why are people so concerned about narcissists? Because, lacking empathy and being so self-concerned, they are extremely irritating, totally unreliable, and behave like self-absorbed jerks, something most people won’t find very appealing. Why would I want to associate with someone who, narcisist or not, couldn’t care less about me, and whose behavior I likely couldn’t bear? ---
**Author:** ![spingears](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@spingears](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spingears)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/6 "2004-07-09T13:03:41Z")
> [@Skully](#): > > I don’t really care about anyone else,… Is that narcissistic…? To ask the question, is to answer it! ---
**Author:** ![FlippyFly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FlippyFly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlippyFly)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/7 "2004-07-09T15:35:23Z")
> [@spingears](#): > > To ask the question, is to answer it! I disagree. Asking the question and being concerned about this subjuct indicates that this individual cares to some extent what others think. A true narcisisst (sp?) wouldn’t be bothered by things like social status and whether or not s/he is treating people fairly. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/8 "2004-07-09T15:54:36Z")
Record a sample of your speech. If compared to another sample of monologue your speech contains an inordinate level of I, ME, MY, or MINE, you are probably narciccistic. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/9 "2004-07-09T16:04:05Z")
**You** can’t determine whether you are a narcissist, or a psychopath, or just a jerk, because you cannot be objective about your own mental state. Ask your friends or family if they think you’re too self absorbed. If they say yes, try being more considerate of others. If you can’t change, or your self-involvement starts causing life consequences (can’t keep an SO, constatntly alienating friends, hard time keeping jobs, etc), you may want to consult your physician for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist so that a professional can determine why you’re being a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/10 "2004-07-09T17:27:16Z")
The fact that you’re asking is a good sign. My mother is a narcissist, and it would never occur to her that she might have a problem; in her mind, she is always right. You seem too analytical for a narcissist. For instance, you say you broke up with a girl so you wouldn’t have to buy her a birthday gift. A true narcissist would’ve said that the girl was too demanding, expected too much, was putting pressure on you, etc. Here’s a link to reviews of a book about narcissism. The reviews are fairly informative. [Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743214285/qid=1089379343/sr=2-3/ref=sr_2_3/103-9913584-5739854) Narcissists wreak havoc on those around them, and it seems to me they make themselves miserable in their quest for attention, but they obviously get a huge internal reward out of their behavior. How do you behave when someone is sick, or when it’s someone else’s occasion (like a birthday or wedding)? Are you able to genuinely support someone else when it’s their time? Can you enjoy sharing the happiness of others, or do you always manage to disrupt the occasion by getting drunk, causing an argument, threatening to not attend or to leave for some minor reason, saying malicious things about the celebrant, etc? We’re all selfish jerks sometimes, and sometimes we do things to people that we are ashamed of later. I’ve never known a narcissist to feel guilt or shame about anything they did. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/11 "2004-07-09T17:43:37Z")
For starters, your thread title contains the word “I” twice, whereas most titles don’t even contain it once. I’m just saying… ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/12 "2004-07-09T18:26:40Z")
One example. If your hanging out with one of your friends, getting along, having a great time. And the next day, your out with the same person, but with a group of people, and are making them the butt of all your jokes to get a laugh out of the group, like all the time, then I’d say you’re an assho… _cough_ narcissist. ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/13 "2004-07-10T03:11:59Z")
Did you post in the attention ho thread? ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Ed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Just\_Ed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Ed)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/14 "2004-07-10T04:06:13Z")
> [@Skully](#): > > How can I tell if I am a narcissist? I bet you think this thread is about you. Don’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Skully](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skully](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skully)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/15 "2004-07-10T04:41:39Z")
I care about a few people. Most of the people I know I don’t care about them at all. That scares me a little. So I thought I might have some serious psychological problem. I also hate attention, but that is another one of my disorders. ---
**Author:** ![Rusalka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecd19e/32.png) [@Rusalka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rusalka)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/16 "2004-07-10T06:49:42Z")
If you hate attention you are not likely a narcissist. Narcissism is a serious disorder and most narcissists would never admit or have the capacity to look at themselves as a problem. I had an acquaintance once who was a narcissist. Among the characteristics: They do not maintain friendships or relationships well. Anyone not a friend is an enemy. Former allies always are portrayed as “traitors” after a falling out or disagreement. You realize you are dealing with a narcissist if you find yourself instinctively avoiding disagreement with them. You may have some other problem though, based on your description. For narcissism see here for more info: [http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality\_disorders/narcissism/narcissism\_defined.html](http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/narcissism_defined.html) ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/17 "2004-07-10T14:25:13Z")
Sounds to me like borderline personality disorder, but I am not a psychiatrist. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/18 "2004-07-10T14:32:14Z")
Look in the mirror. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/19 "2004-07-10T16:17:27Z")
> [@Quixotic](#): > > I bet you think this thread is about you. > > Don’t you? So one test for a narcissist is to wear an apricot scarf? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240/20 "2004-07-10T21:53:11Z")
glee writes: \> So one test for a narcissist is to wear an apricot scarf? So, Skully, if nothing else works, date a famous singer. Have a fitful, unhappy relationship with her. It won’t cure anything, but it might produce a great song. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-if-i-am-a-narcissist/254240.md?page=2)