# How can i tell my co worker to stop flirting with mestop flirting with me..... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2015, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837 "2015-04-16T15:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/41 "2015-04-18T04:59:28Z")
I assume you are being humorous? Or snarky? ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/42 "2015-04-18T04:59:52Z")
> [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](#): > > If the supervisor decides to take it to HR, then you aren’t the one who caused the problem. Let’s be clear about one thing: the creep is the one who caused the problem. He was the one who continued with unwanted advances. > [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](#): > > If you do anything other than talking to your supervisor about it first, you are not giving your supervisor a chance of doing his job. He can’t fix what he doesn’t know about. The problem here is that most managers are not trained on how to adequately handle this situation. They should contact H.R. Granted, H.R. also isn’t typically trained to handle the situation directly, but they are responsible for getting the resources to handle this. H.R. isn’t your advocate. H.R. is the advocate for the company, first and foremost, and then secondarily H.R. will be your advocate as long as it’s consistent with protecting the company’s interests. In the OP’s case, and in harassment cases, H.R. will protect the company from harassment lawsuits, and this also means the OP will be helped by H.R. and better protected against the offender. > [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > If she has documentation of the timing of her complaint vs. the timing of her dismissal, in today’s climate in most jurisdictions it would be a _prima facie_ case against the company. Companies don’t want to risk the high rewards that have been given, even if they are only given in a relatively few cases. The risk is too high. > > I have been through sexual harassment training, as a manager, once a year for something like 20 years. Based on that experience, your statement is not accurate, at least not for my company. Our instructions were clear: if anyone complained at all about unwanted attention or an uncomfortable workplace or anything like that, we were to immediately pass it up to HR with documentation. This is precisely the sort of case they were talking about, since so many victims would be reluctant to pursue it further. Once reported, they did not have a choice because we would pursue it whether they wanted to or not. Agree, fully. Even if the OP doesn’t notify management herself, if management otherwise knows of the situation then management must report it to H.R. To not notify H.R. puts the company in deeper liability, not to mention it does not help the victim. The OP can notify the creep if she wants, sure, but it’s most important to notify her management and H.R., and to document for herself when she does so. > [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](#): > > I can’t believe we’ve had over 30 responses and nobody has mentioned what should be the correct answer. You must have missed post #32. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/43 "2015-04-18T05:04:28Z")
> [@CaptainAmerica\_1987](#): > > Call the police Worthless advice. No crime has been committed. Most police are too busy to help with such a situation, other than maybe to tell the OP to report it to management and H.R., like we’ve already done. ---
**Author:** ![CaptainAmerica\_1987](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@CaptainAmerica\_1987](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptainAmerica_1987)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/44 "2015-04-18T05:08:44Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > I assume you are being humorous? Or snarky? I’m being serious ---
**Author:** ![CaptainAmerica\_1987](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@CaptainAmerica\_1987](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptainAmerica_1987)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/45 "2015-04-18T05:09:47Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > Worthless advice. No crime has been committed. Most police are too busy to help with such a situation, other than maybe to tell the OP to report it to management and H.R., like we’ve already done. Its called harrasment ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/46 "2015-04-18T05:13:17Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > I > I have been through sexual harassment training, as a manager, once a year for something like 20 years. Based on that experience, your statement is not accurate, at least not for my company. Our instructions were clear: if anyone complained at all about unwanted attention or an uncomfortable workplace or anything like that, we were to immediately pass it up to HR with documentation. This is precisely the sort of case they were talking about, since so many victims would be reluctant to pursue it further. Once reported, they did not have a choice because we would pursue it whether they wanted to or not. Yes, that’s what _managers_ are told to do when a employee complains. But the training tells the employee to ask that the behavior stop before reporting it. Look, if she asks him to stop and he does- it’s all good. If she reports it without asking first, she’s gonna hurt his feeling and be looked on as a troublemaker. She is a _casual_ employee, that does not bode well. If she asks him to stop and he _doesn’t-_ then she should report him. She’s covered then. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/47 "2015-04-18T05:16:51Z")
> [@CaptainAmerica\_1987](#): > > Its called harrasment OK, granted. Thanks for the correction. However this would put the OP in a position to have to build her case, whereas notifying management and HR puts the company in a position where they should protect their interests, namely, to avoid a harassment suit. All the OP needs to do is make a good faith complaint to management and HR. That _should_ be enough for the company to take action and address the offender and to begin to protect the OP. Hopefully, things don’t escalate to where the police have to get involved. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/48 "2015-04-18T05:23:00Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > But the training tells the employee to ask that the behavior stop before reporting it. That is what the training used to be. That is outdated. The offended employee is not obligated to notify the offender. Granted, she could, if she feels comfortable and safe enough in doing so, and if that stops the unwanted advances then okay. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/49 "2015-04-18T07:54:46Z")
Carry a water sprayer? 🙂 Honestly, I would just say “I know you’re trying to be nice, but that style of kidding around makes me uncomfortable”. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/50 "2015-04-18T11:46:27Z")
> [@Barnes66](#): > > […] > time when he asked for my number when I ran into him in grocery store and I asked him why then he said that he can talk to me whenever he wants > […] > say something like `oh why are doing this to me? [...] ` How come you are not giving me what I want ` [...] ` you know what I want, don't pretend like you don't` [...] he was like `you will know`` > […] Hearing you say these things makes me wince! My friends and acquaintances at work, the people I work with, include several women younger than my own kids, and I’m a male. And some of them are good looking, and as far as I know it’s generally normal for some of us men to be attracted to some women in their twenties and thirties even though that’s young enough to be our kids. We are supposed to have enough awareness and self control to just set that attraction aside and not act on it in any way, because it’s doomed to be harmful all the way around and a terrible disservice to people who should be able to trust us and turn to us for help, experience, and so forth. I am acutely aware of a sacred line that must not be crossed and would be thoroughly horrified to hear myself saying any of those things. If I did, the two things I’d be torn between are 1) I should leave this person alone, and 2) I owe this person a sincere apology. So, what I am trying to figure out about your coworker is whether he could reasonably be clueless enough to be acting this way innocently, or does this just mean he’s flagrantly ignoring his responsibility to be a decent person in the workplace. From what you say, you have had a bit of pleasant conversation earlier on when he was helping you out, but not enough to consider a significant friendly relationship, just a start. From what you say, you’re not actually friends, and you don’t owe him some kind of relationship continuity or an explanation or something. And it’s clear that the turn into something flirty only came from him. It occurs to me that anybody in my demographic who received an email from you that made the points that his flirting is making you very uncomfortable in the workplace, that you have never meant to encourage or reciprocate this, and that you are asking him to stop, would have to flagrantly ignore his responsibility if he were not to stop. There’d be no room left to simply be clueless. If your email to him also included the quotes I picked above, so much the better. Your email could only signify to any third party who read it that he had gone way over that sacred line in spite of pretty clear signals. He’d be the only troublemaker in this story. But I honestly don’t know what strategies work best. It’s a problem I’ve never dealt with. AFAIK the best thing I can contribute is the opinion, from a point of view similar to his, that there is little or no room for the cluelessness hypothesis – and that one of your options is to close what little room there might be, with something in writing you can fall back on, without invoking HR kinds of power. And, certainly, you’re well within your rights to bring HR into it, and he DOES deserve to get into trouble for this, and I suppose there probably have been and will be other people like you he’s making life harder for. At this point it’s a question of what strategies will work for you in your workplace. You certainly seem to be asking the right questions. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/51 "2015-04-18T16:13:46Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > Most men take no for an answer. This man has not done so. He has demonstrated that he intends to persist no matter what. In my experiences, men who don’t take no for an answer never take no for an answer and in fact feel that any attention is good. I learned through trial and error (and it sometimes was a real trial) that failing to respond as soon as it became clear that NO was not being heard was the only way to get out of the situation with any success. I’m not seeing anything in the OP where she actually said anything to him that she was uncomfortable or didn’t like these comments. She passively avoids him when possible, but that is far from a clear signal. To be clear again, she is not obligated to give him any feedback before she complains, as his remarks are clearly way out of line. But if she were to do so, such feedback needs to be clear and unambiguous. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/52 "2015-04-18T16:40:23Z")
Well she refused go give him her home phone number. Anyone who persists asking me to lunch after that seems to be unable to take no for an answer. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2015, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/53 "2015-04-18T20:42:38Z")
I just want to point out that there are people in this very thread who think providing clear and unambiguous feedback is being rude. This is why this kind of situation can be so uncomfortable for women – no matter what you do, someone is going to tell you you did the wrong thing. Not to mention, it’s frightening to think about what a man who clearly has boundary issues is going to do if you piss him off. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/54 "2015-04-19T00:41:36Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > \*It is to laugh. \*How do you prove it’s retaliation? They just say "your position is not longer needed’ after all she’s a sort of temp/casual. > > I have seen this over and over. The squeaky wheel gets tossed out. > > In any case, as many have pointed out Sexual Harassment training sez you need to ask first (unless it’s blatant or a manager to a underling.) > > All we are saying is to ask first, politely. No need to be rude. What you fail to understand is that this is a message that’s been told to women for years about sexual harassment. “Don’t make a fuss. Don’t be rude. Just deal with it. Don’t cause problems over it.” It’s an incredibly sexist attitude. And a lot of women are sick and tired of that. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/55 "2015-04-19T01:09:18Z")
And again, stating firmly what you want (I don’t want to interact with you except related to work) is NOT RUDE. Honesty is NOT RUDE. And, if it gets RUDE due to the bozo who doesn’t want to hear it, that’s on him. Don’t worry about what HE thinks. (no need to be polite, for crying out loud; he’s not being polite.) ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/56 "2015-04-19T01:19:12Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > What you fail to understand is that this is a message that’s been told to women for years about sexual harassment. “Don’t make a fuss. Don’t be rude. Just deal with it. Don’t cause problems over it.” It’s an incredibly sexist attitude. > > And a lot of women are sick and tired of that. That’s nice, but this isn’t a rebuttal of Dr Deth’s statement, which was “HR won’t help you, they’ll fire you instead”. You seem here to think the OP should make a stand, whether or not HR will be helpful because things should change. However it’s not your ass that is on the line and you aren’t the one who will potentially have to search for a new job if things go wrong. If Dr Deth actually thinks that this kind of issue is typically solved this way by HR (no clue if he’s right), he’s certainly right to warn the OP about it. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/57 "2015-04-19T07:03:48Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > That’s nice, but this isn’t a rebuttal of Dr Deth’s statement, which was “HR won’t help you, they’ll fire you instead”. > > You seem here to think the OP should make a stand, whether or not HR will be helpful because things should change. However it’s not your ass that is on the line and you aren’t the one who will potentially have to search for a new job if things go wrong. If Dr Deth actually thinks that this kind of issue is typically solved this way by HR (no clue if he’s right), he’s certainly right to warn the OP about it. Right. Our OP should certainly stand up for herself. I think that since the guy has been a demonstrably nice guy at one point, she should talk to him first-_be polite but firm_. THEN report him if that doesnt work. Dont get me wrong the guy-nice or no- has crossed a line and needs to stop it. Taking it to HR is dangerous, esp for a casual worker vs a long standing senior employee. Why not first take the safe step of politely but firmly asking him to stop? The only "danger’ there is that he doesnt. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/58 "2015-04-19T08:09:31Z")
1. If you haven’t already, tell him (politely, but firmly & bluntly) that this makes you uncomfortable, and that it must stop. Preferably in front of a witness. 2. If it doesn’t stop, then complain. To someone who can do something to stop it – his wife. Ask her why she can’t satisfy her husband enough to keep him from harassing young girls at the workplace. ---
**Author:** ![BrianJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/54ee81/32.png) [@BrianJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrianJ)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/59 "2015-04-19T10:46:52Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > Hearing you say these things makes me wince! > > My friends and acquaintances at work, the people I work with, include several women younger than my own kids, and I’m a male. And some of them are good looking, and as far as I know it’s generally normal for some of us men to be attracted to some women in their twenties and thirties even though that’s young enough to be our kids. We are supposed to have enough awareness and self control to just set that attraction aside and not act on it in any way, because it’s doomed to be harmful all the way around and a terrible disservice to people who should be able to trust us and turn to us for help, experience, and so forth. > > I am acutely aware of a sacred line that must not be crossed and would be thoroughly horrified to hear myself saying any of those things. If I did, the two things I’d be torn between are 1) I should leave this person alone, and 2) I owe this person a sincere apology. > > So, what I am trying to figure out about your coworker is whether he could reasonably be clueless enough to be acting this way innocently, or does this just mean he’s flagrantly ignoring his responsibility to be a decent person in the workplace. > > From what you say, you have had a bit of pleasant conversation earlier on when he was helping you out, but not enough to consider a significant friendly relationship, just a start. From what you say, you’re not actually friends, and you don’t owe him some kind of relationship continuity or an explanation or something. And it’s clear that the turn into something flirty only came from him. > > It occurs to me that anybody in my demographic who received an email from you that made the points that his flirting is making you very uncomfortable in the workplace, that you have never meant to encourage or reciprocate this, and that you are asking him to stop, would have to flagrantly ignore his responsibility if he were not to stop. There’d be no room left to simply be clueless. If your email to him also included the quotes I picked above, so much the better. Your email could only signify to any third party who read it that he had gone way over that sacred line in spite of pretty clear signals. He’d be the only troublemaker in this story. > > But I honestly don’t know what strategies work best. It’s a problem I’ve never dealt with. AFAIK the best thing I can contribute is the opinion, from a point of view similar to his, that there is little or no room for the cluelessness hypothesis – and that one of your options is to close what little room there might be, with something in writing you can fall back on, without invoking HR kinds of power. > > And, certainly, you’re well within your rights to bring HR into it, and he DOES deserve to get into trouble for this, and I suppose there probably have been and will be other people like you he’s making life harder for. > > At this point it’s a question of what strategies will work for you in your workplace. You certainly seem to be asking the right questions. > > Good luck! The conversation you quoted would have been a good time to put a stop to it. Instead she sounds like she was playing hard to get, from the guys POV. She should have said something like “I’m not interested in what you want”. Or: “How’s your wife? She and I should meet up sometime.” ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2015, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/60 "2015-04-19T13:02:03Z")
OP, you’ve gotten a lot of silly advice so far. Let me help you. Next time the two of you make contact, stare at him with wide, unblinking eyes, twitch a lot, laugh inappropriately, pick your nose and scabs then examine the excavations intently while nodding approval. Ask him if head and pubic lice are deal-breakers. Tell him Jesus appeared on your toast this morning and grape jelly extruded from his eyes. Mutter things like, _“interfering wives and their kids should be poisoned.”_ Or, perhaps the better approach would be to look him in the eye and say assertively: \*“Bob \*(assuming his name is Bob), _I like you as a co-worker, but nothing more; and I never will. Maybe it wasn’t your intention, but your overfamiliarity makes me very uncomfortable and I’m asking you to please stop. If you’re the nice guy I think you are, you will stop because you don’t want me to be uncomfortable.”_ That gets the message across unambiguously, not too harshly, lets him save a little face and should appeal to his sense of kindness, if he has any—if he doesn’t and persists after that…off to HR you go. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837.md?page=4)