# How can i tell my co worker to stop flirting with mestop flirting with me..... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2015, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837 "2015-04-16T15:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/81 "2015-04-20T21:24:20Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > I meant (and thought I said) mention him to the wife! You did say that. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/82 "2015-04-20T22:32:16Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > I didn’t mean mention the wife to him – I meant (and thought I said) mention him to the wife! And I were the asshole guy, I’d tell my wife that the OP was flirting with me, I gallantly rejected her, and she was so upset that she told the wife that I started it. Which I’d never do, right, dear? ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/83 "2015-04-20T22:41:16Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > well, yes. One should never call the police over a completely hypothetical situation posted on a message board. 😛 Real or hypothetical, the situational details as posted do not involve criminal behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/84 "2015-04-20T22:42:40Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > I didn’t mean mention the wife to him – I meant (and thought I said) mention him to the wife! And I think what someone is trying to convey is that your idea is a bad one. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/85 "2015-04-21T13:18:03Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > I didn’t mean mention the wife to him – I meant (and thought I said) mention him to the wife! But now the OP has to get hold of the wife somehow? She’s going to end up looking like a stalker - or actually being one. ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/86 "2015-04-21T18:00:16Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > But now the OP has to get hold of the wife somehow? She’s going to end up looking like a stalker - or actually being one. In keeping with the raison d’etre of the site, folks need to stop misusing the word “harass” and, here, “stalk”. To “stalk” is to put someone in reasonable (not bullshit) fear of imminent serious bodily injury, death, rape or kidnapping. While I agree the notion of contacting the wife is beyond stupid – and uncalled for given info provided – contacting her to say “your husband is a twit and maybe you could tell him to knock it off” would not be “stalking”. (To be sure, the husband would conveniently make up a bunch of stories and gaslight his wife – which I’m positive he does already – and perhaps SAY she’s infatuated with him, but … (Somehow, spouses choose to engage cognitive dissonance protocol and prefer to believe that the usually schlubby hubby/wife is irresistible rather than openly recognize what they already know and then have to (gasp) do something about it that entails (gasp) being alone or self-review.) ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/87 "2015-04-21T18:34:26Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Killing him is the only real answer. > [@kayT](#): > > I guess **astro** has never had a lot of unwanted attention. None that survived, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/88 "2015-04-21T18:39:38Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > Talk to HR. > [@DrDeth](#): > > No. \*\*HR is not your friend. \*\* Speaking as someone who is actually _in_ HR: they are going to do what is necessary to protect the company – in this case, from a potential sexual harassment lawsuit. So while it is true that the company is their _primary_ concern, it happens to align pretty well with your goals as well - to make the unwanted attention stop. I’m not saying _no_ HR department would treat the complainer as the problem; but I will say that only the bad ones do. The good ones recognize that helping you is in their own best interest as well. That said, the first thing the HR person is going to do is ask you if you asked him to stop flirting with you, and if you say no, that’s what they’ll tell you to do first. They will probably only take additional steps if he continues after that, or if they already have other complaints on him. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/89 "2015-04-21T18:41:05Z")
I don’t agree with the _HR is not your friend_ stuff. Maybe in years past but not in today’s environment. Ignoring a complaint of harassment, or worse, firing the complainer, will open the company to a lawsuit. Complaint about specific harassment + ignoring complaint or firing complainer = cushy settlement. My employer’s HR would be all over this. Every employee has to take ‘training’ yearly on what is and is not appropriate behavior in the workplace. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/90 "2015-04-21T18:44:26Z")
> [@Fallen](#): > > In keeping with the raison d’etre of the site, folks need to stop misusing the word “harass” and, here, “stalk”. To “stalk” is to put someone in reasonable (not bullshit) fear of imminent serious bodily injury, death, rape or kidnapping. Several unsolicited phone calls count as stalking. One could quite easily cause emotional distress - one of the effects of stalking - if one contacted the wife of this pest in the OP a couple of times. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/91 "2015-04-21T18:53:26Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > Several unsolicited phone calls count as stalking. One could quite easily cause emotional distress - one of the effects of stalking - if one contacted the wife of this pest in the OP a couple of times. If you read the Op (and believe “her” story) there have been no calls. As for HR- yes, they are there to protect the company. And yes, they might get rid of a harasser. But a complainer is a troublemaker, and thus are just as much of a danger, perhaps more. Trust me, they know how to make it look good. Note that the OP claims she is a casual worker, it’s so easy to say “no more work”. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/92 "2015-04-21T19:36:05Z")
I’m not responding to the OP which I have read here, rather to the suggestion upthread that the OP should contact the co workers wife. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/93 "2015-04-21T21:26:55Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > If you read the Op (and believe “her” story) there have been no calls. > > As for HR- yes, they are there to protect the company. And yes, they might get rid of a harasser. But a complainer is a troublemaker, and thus are just as much of a danger, perhaps more. Trust me, they know how to make it look good. Note that the OP claims she is a casual worker, it’s so easy to say “no more work”. I’ve been on committees looking over employee survey results, with HR people, of course. If companies fired complainers, there would be no one left. It is not like anything got dine with the results of the survey, but no one in HR trash talked the comments from complainers. (And there were plenty.) If someone did call the wife of a fellow employee, I think it is possible HR would get on her case - but that would go far beyond complaining. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2015, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/94 "2015-04-22T00:59:01Z")
Threaten to complain–to his wife. This can be deadly. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2015, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/95 "2015-04-22T16:15:34Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > Most men take no for an answer. This man has not done so. He has demonstrated that he intends to persist no matter what. In my experiences, men who don’t take no for an answer never take no for an answer and in fact feel that any attention is good. I learned through trial and error (and it sometimes was a real trial) that failing to respond as soon as it became clear that NO was not being heard was the only way to get out of the situation with any success. Bullshit. Not once in the OP was it mentioned that she told him no. He hasn’t had a chance to “not take no for an answer.” Assuming that basic assertiveness won’t work before trying is a horrible way to handle conflict resolution. It’s not going to ingratiate you to HR if you haven’t even asked them to stop. It’s not as if HR wants to be involved in every interpersonal conflict. They’re there for the conflicts that you can’t resolve on your own. Yes, maybe this guy won’t take no for an answer. He does have the signs. But maybe he will. Why not try it? ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2015, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/96 "2015-04-22T16:27:22Z")
She refused to give him her phone number. Is that not saying no? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2015, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/97 "2015-04-22T16:48:22Z")
Just chiming in to reinforce what’s been said upthread. Sexual harassment requires that sexual advances are unwanted, not that they merely exist. It’s stupid and a bad idea for this guy to shit where he eats, but it’s not immoral or illegal unless he continues his shit after you’ve told him you don’t want it anymore. This will require you to ovary up. Find your ladyballs and good luck! ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2015, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837/98 "2015-04-22T16:51:07Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > She refused to give him her phone number. Is that not saying no? " I told him that I am not a phone person and we can talk whenever we see each other at work. " That’s not a\* no\*. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-i-tell-my-co-worker-to-stop-flirting-with-mestop-flirting-with-me/717837.md?page=4)