# How can Star Wars be any worse? Suggestions, please. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 22, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760 "2005-03-22T19:44:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/1 "2005-03-22T19:44:12Z")
I would have thought there would be a thread about but, I searched “Star wars” +misc insultive terms, and found nothing, so here I am. Where was I? What other ways, and/or comic strips suggest ways to make Star Wars worse? Please, tell me, before the Empire blows up my planet. P.S. While browsing a “room-mates, one of whiom is violent comic strip” named [Rob And Elliot](http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/index.php) I came across a suggestion, that is to say: > [@Clay](#): > > [25% more Ewoks](http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/archive.php?id=43) > This is the last visual reference we will do for a while. I kind of wanted to do some comics about just Rob and Elliot, but Hampton is so filled with spite and vitriol over the Star Wars DVDs, it eventually rubbed off on me and, as if willed by the dark side of the force, I felt compelled to draw it. The force is strong with him and my mind is oh-so-very weak. I tend to agree with Penny Arcade that Lucas has lost his mind. The problem with this subject matter is that it is so rife with possibilities, it was hard to choose which way to go. Here were some top contenders: > > Extended footage of the kiss between Luke and Leia, with lots of tongue action. DVD cover reads “25% more incest!” > > DVD cover reads “now cram-packed with ewoks!” > Luke: “That’s weird, my x-wing won’t start.” > Biggs: “Here’s your problem, every nook and cranny is filled with ewoks. Most of them are dead…” > > Interview with George Lucas: > “I has originally intended for these films to completely suck ass. We just didn’t have the technology back then. We were forced to make a groundbreaking sci-fi epic film. Now we can do things like digitally add dewback lizards in the emperor’s throne room.” > > It really goes on and on, but in the end, it seemed an ewok Vader most accurately captured the absurdity of Lucas’s changes. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/2 "2005-03-22T19:47:00Z")
Someone’s gonna say it: More Jar Jar Binks. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/3 "2005-03-22T19:48:28Z")
Jar-Jar X n: n \> 1. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/4 "2005-03-22T19:58:37Z")
I smell an all Jar-Jar thread coming up. ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/5 "2005-03-22T20:01:24Z")
Make the scenes even shorter. About midway through my second (and to date, final) viewing of Phantom Menace, I started counting down the length of the scenes. I rarely had to count higher than 15 seconds. Lucas can do better than that! Put in even more expository dialogue. Before a character goes off to do something, have him explain what he’s going to do. Then show a really short scene of him doing it. Then show another scene of him explaining what he just did. And frame the actors in even stiffer, more stagey poses. Put even more vehicles, creatures, etc. into the backgrounds of scenes. Make sure they all make some kind of noise. Make the digital backgrounds more oversaturated and hyper-detailed, until they’re bleeding off the screen like an acid hallucination. And finally … … cut out the lightsaber duels completely. OK, is there any SW fan I’ve failed to piss off? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/6 "2005-03-22T20:08:11Z")
In all of the shots with Jar Jar, the Princess is involved in a variety of mishaps, ranging from minor pratfalls all the way to near-lethal tumbles. After each hair-raising incident, Jar Jar says to the Princes: “Eessa yoossa OK, Pwincess?” Each and every time, the Princess, who a mere second before wore an expression not unlike a Civil War combat casualty about to have a gangrenous limb sawed off, will reply, in the most woodenly blasée fashion humanly possible: “…Yes.” The total screen time of these scenes, if spliced back-to-back, should be no less than one hour and forty five minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/7 "2005-03-22T20:09:52Z")
Digitally remove Natalie’s nipples - oh, they did that already. Darth Sidious removes his cloak to reveal: Jar-Jar Half an hour out for a Wookie holiday party. In the cantina scene, a ball comes down and all the creatures break out into “Staying Alive.” ---
**Author:** ![Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chance_the_Gardener)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/8 "2005-03-22T20:11:42Z")
To make _Star Wars_ suck worse would be easy. We need more of those C-SPAN scenes. It could open in the Senate, with the speaker yielding his time to the gentleman from Alderaan. He could start talking about how we need a clone reduction treaty, and offer to make trade concessions with other planets. He could talk for maybe twenty minutes, and then they could have some procedural business. Someone could violate the agreed-upon Senate rules, prompting the delegation from a minor planet to cry out, “Point of order! Point of order!” Then they could review the report from the Subcommittee on Oversight. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/9 "2005-03-22T20:18:20Z")
They could do a musical Christmas special, with Bea Arthur singing. That oughta do it. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/10 "2005-03-22T20:20:41Z")
I just thought of one for the Classic Saga. 20 years from now, re-release the entire Saga on the new HD-Crystal Shards format, that the fans have been asking for the last five years. Use the newest Linux computer graphic manipulation software, improve it event further, then use it to create digital actors of Leia and Luke. In the first film, add more hints that they are romancing each other, such as brief, almost subliminal glances between the two. Improving the state of Ai, to increase realism of synthesized emotions if you have to. Then, in the second film, ignore this plotline, and offer no explanation of why she is suddenly in love with Han even before the revelation of them being siblings. Then, after it is re-released, refuse to release the improved software back onto the Linux community. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/11 "2005-03-22T20:25:06Z")
Scene: Interior, darkened bedroom. LUKE (Awakening): “Uhh–ugh? What…where…?” BERU: “There, there, Luke. You’ve overslept again! Time to get up and take care of those vaporators on the south ridge.” LUKE: “Then it was all a dream…you were there, Aunt Beru, and Uncle Owen, and old Ben Kenobi, and…” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/12 "2005-03-22T20:28:52Z")
Digitally edit the ending of _A New Hope_ so that instead of using the Force to guide his torpedoes into the small thermal exhaust port, Luke inverses the phase capacitance of his warp coil transducers and reroutes the power through his main deflector dish. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/13 "2005-03-22T20:30:11Z")
Lucas decided some time back to Have Greedo shoot first, as we all know. This is because he wants his good guys to be 100% pure. He will do so in Ep III by revealing that isn’t actually Anakin who transforms into Vader. IT’S HIS CLONE! What’s more, he arranges for the Emperor to extract the MITOCHONDRIAL DNA (or whatever that chemical was that makes somebody into a Jedi) and INJECTS IT INTO THE CLONE! The now-impotent Anakin then changes his name to Owen and moves to Tatooine, taking Luke with him. The clone goes on to become Vader. That wasn’t Anakin’s ghost we saw at the end of Ep VI. THAT WAS OWEN! ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/14 "2005-03-22T20:34:12Z")
Have the cast be entirely composed of prepubescent kids. Hey, it worked for [Darth Vader](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005157/)… ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/15 "2005-03-22T21:05:54Z")
Make every single transition a “wipe”. Princess: Anakin, you’re so distant… ::wipe:: Anakin: Obi-Wan is such a hard-ass all the time! ::wipe:: Princess: Can’t you see he just wants the best for you?? ::wipe:: Anakin: But I’m the greatest Jedi EVAR! I have ULTIMATE POWER! Obi-Wan is teh suxors! ::wipe:: Princess: But… ::wipe:: Anankin: Hey! Who’s side are you on?? ::wipe:: Princes: Anakin…don’t! ::wipe:: Anakin: I’m sorr- ::wipe:: Princes: It’s… ::wipe:: Anakin: All my fault… ::wipe:: Princes: Hold me! ::wipe:: Anakin: I need you! ::wipe:: Princess: Take me now! ::wipe:: Anakin: Let’s make twins! ::wipe:: Princess: OHHH! ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe::\ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe::\ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe::\ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: \ ::wipe:: Anakin: Take my lightsabre! Uuunnnnngh! ::wipe:: Princess: Great Gungans! I think I’m pregnant! ::wipe:: Anakin: Whatever you do, don’t tell Obi-Wan! ::WIPE!:: ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/16 "2005-03-22T21:24:57Z")
In _Star Wars_, as Vader closes the distance between to Luke’s X-Wing, instead of intoning “I have you now,” he cuts loose with an exuberant “Yippiee!” Rename all villains with a five-year old’s euphamisms for excrement. We already have Count Dooku, now we can have Emperor Caca, Darth Poopy, and Grand Moff I Made Uh-Oh In My Pants. Episode III reveals that Luke and Leia’s baby-sitter is a twelve year old Han Solo. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/17 "2005-03-22T21:29:59Z")
“Anny! Meesa your fadder!” ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/18 "2005-03-22T21:31:13Z")
Completely ignore continuity and have Revenge of the Sith flatly contradict the backstory of A New Hope. Such as having Obi-Wan turn out to be Luke and Leia’s real father. “Wookies” are really Ewoks with a glandular condition. Have Mace Windu do a rap number in a stereotypical inner-city African-American accent. Darth Sideous is really a psychic projection of Yoda’s repressed evil alternate personality. Have characters do on-screen product tie-ins for Nike and Coca-Cola. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/19 "2005-03-22T21:54:59Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Episode III reveals that Luke and Leia’s baby-sitter is a twelve year old Han Solo. But…they get married in the classic, real films! That would mean… :eek: I knowwhat would be horrible! Take the the badass godfather of space, Jabba the Hutt, and have someone stap on his tail, and not have him kill that person on the spot. ---
**Author:** ![bclouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@bclouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bclouse)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2005, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/20 "2005-03-22T21:55:43Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Episode III reveals that Luke and Leia’s baby-sitter is a twelve year old Han Solo. Ha Ha! That’s good. 😛 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760.md?page=2)