# How can Star Wars be any worse? Suggestions, please. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 22, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760 "2005-03-22T19:44:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/41 "2005-03-23T04:43:31Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > Instead of James Earl Jones, Darth Vader’s voice dubbed by Michael Jackson. Or Bobcat Goldthwaite. Or Pee-Wee Herman. Or Gilbert Gottfried. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/42 "2005-03-23T04:44:55Z")
Or Fran Drescher! Yaaaaaagh! ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/43 "2005-03-23T04:47:15Z")
All the fx could suck. All the fx are so bad there are NO exterior shots of spaceships. The battles are just described by the actors on the sets and then when they get hit teh camera tilts one way and the actors all fall the other way. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/44 "2005-03-23T05:03:19Z")
Jar-Jar gets cloned, and the clones visit the forest moon of Endor. ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/45 "2005-03-23T11:41:35Z")
The hanger doors part to reveal Darth Maul dead at the feet of **Ash** from _The Evil Dead_ films in all his chainsaw-and-12-guage-wielding glory. “Alright you robe wearing screw-heads, lets talk about getting me back home” ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/46 "2005-03-23T12:29:19Z")
> [@Vagus](#): > > The hanger doors part to reveal Darth Maul dead at the feet of **Ash** from _The Evil Dead_ films in all his chainsaw-and-12-guage-wielding glory. > > “Alright you robe wearing screw-heads, lets talk about getting me back home” This thread is about making Star Wars WORSE, fool! ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/47 "2005-03-23T12:55:51Z")
Why not digitally remove all the light sabres and replace them with cell phones? ---
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/48 "2005-03-23T14:30:11Z")
Two possibilities come to mind: 1.) Turn the whole series over to the same group that is currently doing the Teen Titans cartoon. They could have a faux 60’s surfer Pop score, and all be done in extremem anime styles. Imagine Anakin and Obi Wan having in argument a la Robin and Cyborg. 2.) Star Wars Babies – hey it worked for Looney Tunes and Muppets, why not Star Wars, there is a whole toddler market even Jar-Jar has left untapped. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/49 "2005-03-23T14:32:17Z")
Cut-and-pasted from Silentgoldfish: This thread is about making Star Wars WORSE, not better. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/50 "2005-03-23T14:37:47Z")
> [@Rodd Hill](#): > > Scene: Interior, darkened bedroom. > > LUKE (Awakening): “Uhh–ugh? What…where…?” > > BERU: “There, there, Luke. You’ve overslept again! Time to get up and take care of those vaporators on the south ridge.” > > LUKE: “Then it was all a dream…you were there, Aunt Beru, and Uncle Owen, and old Ben Kenobi, and…” You weren’t supposed to give away the ending to Episode IX yet!! :mad: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/51 "2005-03-23T15:31:45Z")
Padme, pregnant with Luke n Leia, flees Annikin accompanied only by Jar-Jar. She goes into labor. Jar-Jar announces, “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no Jedis, Miss Padme.” ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/52 "2005-03-23T15:42:27Z")
Robin Williams is Darth Vader. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/53 "2005-03-23T16:04:25Z")
In all seriousness, there is one way you could ruin the entire series and not have to change any of the previous films. Just add something to Episode III: Jar-Jar becomes a Jedi. Play it absolutely straight. Obi-Wan notices Jar-Jar doing something that suggests he has Force sensitivity. He tests Jar-Jar’s mitichoridianthingies and they’re off the fuckin’ charts. Obi-Wan trains Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar is at first a lummox of a student but he catches on, culminating in a scene were he finally accomplishes some training task - levitating four big objects, say - and triumphantly annouces, “Meesa gotsa da FORCE!!!” accompanied by a rousing John Williams number that on the soundtrack is listed as “Jar Jar Becomes A Jedi.” Towards the end of the movie, a lightsaber-wielding Jar-Jar, as part of a five-thread final battle sequence, is seen slicing his way through platoons of Sith or Rebel or Imperial troops, whatever the bad guys are going to be called, with a serious, determined visage and his ears flopping all about, his enemies cut down before him like grass, while serious battle music plays as loud as the Boston Pops can play them. Finally, the scene we’ve all been waiting for - Obi-Wan vs. Darth Vader, pre-android. And Vader beats him and is about to chop him up - and Jar-Jar attacks! Jar-Jar and Darth Vader engage in a battle to the death, lightsabers flying! And Jar-Jar is KICKING DARTH VADER’S ASS! But Vader heaves a rock at his head using the Force, distracting him, and lands the killing blow! Obi-Wan recovers them and defeats Vader, greivously wounding him in a manner apparently fixable only by wearing a big black suit of armor. Vader/Skywalker beaten, he rushes to the side of Jar-Jar, who is gasping out his last breaths, having made the ultimate sacrifice, “Meesa cold!” says Jar-Jar, and Obi-Wan assures him help is on the way. “Meesa thanks you you shows me da Force,” says Jar-Jar - and with a swell of sad and magnificent John Williams, Jar-Jar passes on to the next world. Play it all absolutely dead serious. And then you will have achieved the nadir of Star Wars suckitude. Scary thing is, Lucas might actually do it. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/54 "2005-03-23T16:07:05Z")
::shudder:: ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/55 "2005-03-23T16:19:10Z")
Bucket please. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/56 "2005-03-23T16:37:07Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > … But Vader heaves a rock at his head using the Force, distracting him, and lands the killing blow!.. at this point Obi Wan yells “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” right? ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/57 "2005-03-23T17:15:40Z")
There is a black hole of suckitude where my computer was. Thanks. If you get a call from Skywalker Ranch, hang up! ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/58 "2005-03-23T18:14:16Z")
I think that RickJay has officially won this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/59 "2005-03-23T18:17:18Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Jar-Jar becomes a Jedi. You forgot the part where, before the legions of bad guys attack, Jar-Jar says Messa got a bad feeling about this! ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Bongo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a9adbd/32.png) [@Winston\_Bongo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Bongo)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760/60 "2005-03-23T18:52:29Z")
If Jar-Jar is going to play such a central role, he really needs a love interest. Perhaps a girl Gungan with long eyelashes and big pink bows on her floppy ears. She would be voiced by the same guy who does Jar-Jar, only higher and more screeching. This would provide Lucas with the opportunity for touching scenes of romance ala those in _Attack of the Clones_. GIRL GUNGAN: “No, Jarry, no! Weesa cannot fall in love!” (spoken while wearing black nightgown which reveals her seductive Gungan curves) JAR-JAR: “Meesa no like sand! It hard and coarse and gets in ears! Not like yousa! Yousa soft and smooth!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-can-star-wars-be-any-worse-suggestions-please/295760.md?page=4)