# How close do you feel to your 2nd or 3rd spouse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 3, 2012, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647 "2012-03-03T16:27:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/1 "2012-03-03T16:27:29Z")
Something that happened, unrelated to marriage and divorce, got me thinking that perhaps people never feel as close/comfortable/bonded (not sure what the exact word is) with their second or third spouses as they did with their first (even if they are overall happier with the new spouse) For those who have remarried, is this the case for you? If this is not the case, does it apply, for you, to first vs subsequent boyfriend/girlfriend instead? ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/2 "2012-03-03T16:47:15Z")
Huh? That makes no sense to me. I’m MUCH closer to Mr. Athena than my first husband, or, for the record, any serious boyfriend I had before being married. Really, I’ve had no other relationship in my life that even approaches the closeness and bond I have with him. ---
**Author:** ![spankthecrumpet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a87d85/32.png) [@spankthecrumpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spankthecrumpet)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/3 "2012-03-03T16:50:12Z")
This is not something about which people are capable of being objective ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/4 "2012-03-03T17:43:00Z")
I was married to my 1st for 2 years. This one I’ve had for over 30 years (altho we have only been married for 5-or-is-it-6 years of that time). So obviously I feel closer to this one. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/5 "2012-03-03T18:12:47Z")
I think it’s a great question. The bond is related to the length of the first marriage and hence, the life-stage. I was married to my first husband for 26 years. We had children together and experienced many “firsts” together: first house, first exotic vacations, etc. Many of my memories from my twenties and thirties were shared with him and we really grew up together. Those memories and the children will always create a mental bond. However, I had no idea what I was doing when I married him. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted for my life. The marriage was full of drama and mayhem. My sense of security was always at issue. My current husband is really perfect for me. My total trust and complete comfort with him makes this a hands-down greater bond. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/6 "2012-03-03T20:40:11Z")
I think it’s safe to say that most people’s first marriages/serious/long-term relationships occur when they are younger; for many people, it’s a huge learning experience, and can be far more emotional/dramatic than later experiences. After a certain point, many folks realize that they, and their partners, have pasts into which it’s not necessary to open up 100 percent about; privacy becomes less of a ‘what are you hiding from me?!’ issue and more of a ‘Hey, we’re all adults here’ thing. So some of what might have brought people ‘closer’ when young…and we’re all more pliable when younger, too…isn’t necessarily there when older. The need to share EVERY LAST POOP AND FART just goes away after a while, ya know? 😛 So I can easily see people feeling that they were closer to their first relationships than at later times, especially if said first relationship ended badly, or was dramatic enough to cause structural changes in one emotional walls. If that makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/7 "2012-03-03T21:33:53Z")
Ditto Taomist. In my particular case the first marriage was only 4 years and my second is now 23. There were things better about the first and things better about the second. Going through a divorce, though, does train one that divorce is possible, in a way that the intellectual knowledge it’s possible does not. ---
**Author:** ![sevenwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@sevenwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sevenwood)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/8 "2012-03-03T23:23:50Z")
My first marriage lasted six years. My second has lasted thirty-two years so far and is still going strong. I can’t speak for everyone, but I definitely feel much closer/ more comfortable / more bonded to my current spouse. Part of that may be related to the relative marriage lengths, part of it may be related to our children (none by the first marriage, two by the current one with our first grandchild on the way). But most of it is because of the person I’m married to. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2012, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/9 "2012-03-04T04:17:21Z")
Pretty distant. I haven’t met them yet. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2012, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-close-do-you-feel-to-your-2nd-or-3rd-spouse/614647/10 "2012-03-04T07:28:35Z")
I feel extremely close to my husband (my second). I feel like I’ve known him all my life, yet I still get to find out new things. It’s a wonderful combination. I lost my first husband to death rather than divorce. That probably influences people’s reaction to a new relationship (though the experience of divorce and widowhood have many of the same grief elements).