# How common is it for Americans not to have sex before marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 24, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385 "2013-07-24T15:55:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/1 "2013-07-24T15:55:27Z")
Having read a bit about abstinence-only sex ed, I was puzzled by the insistence on not having sex before marriage. Since such sex ed tends to be quite Christian in tone, it’s not surprising but considering that the average age of first marriage in the US is around 27 for women and 29 for men, it seems rather optimistic. So, how common is it for Americans not to have intercourse before marriage? How common is it for them to avoid intercourse but use oral/anal/manual sex instead? Is it common for Americans to not even masturbate before marriage? Is virginity before marriage pretty much the preserve of evangelicals, Mormons and other such fundamentalists? Even among them, is it a majority who avoid sex before marriage? Is “no sex before marriage” generally understood to mean “no sex before engagement” or “no sex before forming a couple with the intent to stay together long-term” or is there really a sizable number of Americans who only see each other naked for the first time on their honeymoon? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/2 "2013-07-24T16:02:46Z")
I think it’s something that is talked about much more than it actually happens. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/3 "2013-07-24T16:12:04Z")
I don’t think the proponents of the abstinence movement would need to be quite so strident if their goal was already the norm. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/4 "2013-07-24T16:27:39Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > How common is it for them to avoid intercourse but use oral/anal/manual sex instead? Is it common for Americans to not even masturbate before marriage? I think it’s uncommon enough for the general public to look at it askance, but common enough for some cute/crass parody musicians to write a song about it ([Loophole](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY) NSFW). ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/5 "2013-07-24T16:38:07Z")
Relatively rare I would say. Someone like my brother and his wife are outliers. Their first kiss was after “you may now kiss the bride”, let alone actual sex. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/6 "2013-07-24T16:39:09Z")
Here are some statistics: About 3% (and 20% of some highly religious groups) [http://waitingtillmarriage.org/4-cool-statistics-about-abstinence-in-the-usa/](http://waitingtillmarriage.org/4-cool-statistics-about-abstinence-in-the-usa/) But frankly when the source is [WaitingTillMarriage.org](http://WaitingTillMarriage.org) there is the possibility they might be providing optimistic numbers. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/7 "2013-07-24T16:42:54Z")
According to a study that was published in Public Health Reports, 95% of Americans have had sex before marriage. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t separate out those who wait until engagement, but I would guess the number that do that would be very small. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/8 "2013-07-24T16:53:33Z")
IME sex is far more common before marriage than after. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/9 "2013-07-24T17:03:28Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Is virginity before marriage pretty much the preserve of evangelicals, Mormons and other such fundamentalists? Even among them, is it a majority who avoid sex before marriage? Even the religious nutcases I know (which is an unfortunate many) have sex. They love to praise the Lord, but you know, that’s not going to stop them from getting laid. I think it’s only the super crazy religious types (Mormons forced to live in that giant cave for two years, or whatever) that abstain until marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/10 "2013-07-24T17:06:40Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Even the religious nutcases I know (which is an unfortunate many) have sex. They love to praise the Lord, but you know, that’s not going to stop them from getting laid. I think it’s only the super crazy religious types (Mormons forced to live in that giant cave for two years, or whatever) that abstain until marriage. I’m pretty standard evangelical non-denominational. We waited until marriage. I have several friends that were the same way. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/11 "2013-07-24T17:09:39Z")
When was this? Before or after, say, 1975? And how old were you? If this was after 1975 or you were over 25, then I’m not saying that falls into the super crazy category, but it is super crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/12 "2013-07-24T17:17:34Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > …considering that the average age of first marriage in the US is around 27 for women and 29 for men, it seems rather optimistic. Bear in mind that the average first-marriage age goes down significantly in the sort of places where they teach abstinence only sex ed. There’s [a five year difference](http://www.livescience.com/27974-women-media-age-marriage-states.html) in median first-marriage ages between women in Idaho and Massachusetts, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/13 "2013-07-24T17:45:37Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Is virginity before marriage pretty much the preserve of evangelicals, Mormons and other such fundamentalists? It certainly didn’t use to be. Go back a few decades and it used to be the norm (in theory if not in practice) in much of American society. There are obvious practical advantages in a world without reliable birth control. For what it’s worth, the non-sectarian “Art of Manliness” blog recently ran an article on [How Delaying Intimacy Can Benefit Your Relationship](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/01/how-delaying-intimacy-can-benefit-your-relationship/): > [@](#): > > Thus what I hope to lay out in this article is not an iron-clad rule for when you should become intimate in a relationship. Instead what I aim to present today is a case for delaying intimacy in a relationship and taking it slower – leaving the interpretation of what “slower” means up to each individual man to filter through his own moral, religious, and philosophical beliefs. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/14 "2013-07-24T19:54:30Z")
I think the abstinence enthusiasts have an unrealistic view of their children’s habits. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/15 "2013-07-24T20:01:50Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Go back a few decades and it used to be the norm (in theory if not in practice) in much of American society. There are obvious practical advantages in a world without reliable birth control. In theory, yes. In practise, I doubt it. Pregnancy may have been the leading cause of marriage at one time. It’s still a big part of the equation. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/16 "2013-07-24T20:06:45Z")
Abstinence Only is the equivalent of Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No”. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/17 "2013-07-24T20:19:22Z")
I don’t know of anyone who waited, to my knowledge. Some of the more religious people (when the person in question actually strongly believed it, NOT when they were just raised in a religious family as was the case for me and many people from my Catholic schools) waited longer than average, but they still had premarital sex eventually. I think it’s extremely uncommon to have an active dating/social life and then get married at a normal age (not 18) and still be a virgin. My mom always pounded it into my head to wait, and wtf? I’m 31 now and not married. So I’d still be a virgin? That would be so bizarre. But I guess in this scenario I’d have gotten married just so I could have sex, which would certainly have turned out well… ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/18 "2013-07-24T20:29:19Z")
I have a friend (female) that was technically a ‘virgin’ when she got married. (I didn’t ask her about anal and frankly that’s way too personal.) She did tell me she and her husband did about everything except the ol’ penis in the vagina thing and got ‘very close’ the week before they got married. She did b/c her parents really wanted it. She has two sisters. Neither waited and both married jerks. Her husband, though jerkish, is pretty nice. She’s not being subjugated. Oh trust me! My mom, when I asked her at about 15 “Mom, were you a virgin when you got married?” Mom: \ \ No. and I don’t think anyone should be a virgin when they get married. My folks got married at 18 and are still married, if that matters. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/19 "2013-07-24T20:33:38Z")
> [@Hermitian](#): > > I’m pretty standard evangelical non-denominational. We waited until marriage. I have several friends that were the same way. Not to detract from the sincerity of your beliefs, but great post/username combo. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/20 "2013-07-24T21:07:27Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > IME sex is far more common before marriage than after. Heh. Oh yes. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385.md?page=2)