# How common is it for Americans not to have sex before marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 24, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385 "2013-07-24T15:55:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/21 "2013-07-24T21:12:01Z")
MeanOldLady: > [@](#): > > I think it’s only the super crazy religious types (Mormons forced to live in that giant cave for two years, or whatever) that abstain until marriage. I don’t know whether you consider Orthodox Jews to be “super crazy religious types,” but I’d say that among us, abstinence until marriage is very much the norm rather than the exception. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/22 "2013-07-24T21:17:57Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > MeanOldLady: > > I don’t know whether you consider Orthodox Jews to be “super crazy religious types,” If one considers anyone to be super crazy religious types, I can’t see not including Orthodox Jews in that group. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/23 "2013-07-24T21:18:37Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > It certainly didn’t use to be. Go back a few decades and it used to be the norm (in theory if not in practice) in much of American society. There are obvious practical advantages in a world without reliable birth control. > > For what it’s worth, the non-sectarian “Art of Manliness” blog recently ran an article on [How Delaying Intimacy Can Benefit Your Relationship](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/01/how-delaying-intimacy-can-benefit-your-relationship/): [According to the report I linked to](http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2006/12/19/index.html), the rate of premarital sex has stayed pretty constant over the years. [QUOTE=Guttmacher Institute] Further, contrary to the public perception that premarital sex is much more common now than in the past, the study shows that even among women who were born in the 1940s, nearly nine in 10 had sex before marriage. [/QUOTE] I don’t know why people seem to think it was different in the old days. I guess it’s just because it was less accepted then, so it wasn’t widely acknowledged, while nowadays people don’t disapprove of premarital sex as much. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/24 "2013-07-24T21:40:35Z")
My sisters are all strongly Christian, and at least four of them strongly and vocally favor abstinence before marriage. Those four all have children, and every single one of them were pregnant when they got married. They don’t ADMIT it, of course; they all just insist their first babies were born early. My youngest niece once got irritated and called her mother on it. In other news, my mother was praised my oldest brother for being a virgin when he married. Publicly – in church, to be specific., ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/25 "2013-07-24T21:42:37Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > I don’t know why people seem to think it was different in the old days. I guess it’s just because it was less accepted then, so it wasn’t widely acknowledged, while nowadays people don’t disapprove of premarital sex as much. Well, there was the absence of reliable birth control and antibiotics. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/26 "2013-07-24T21:48:17Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > MeanOldLady: > > I don’t know whether you consider Orthodox Jews to be “super crazy religious types,” but I’d say that among us, abstinence until marriage is very much the norm rather than the exception. And judging the few of your category I’ve known, average marriage age is FAR below the U.S. average, too. It’s a lot easier to save yourself until marriage if you’re getting married in your late teens, say. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2013, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/27 "2013-07-24T23:39:06Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > It certainly didn’t use to be. Go back a few decades and it used to be the norm (in theory if not in practice) in much of American society. There are obvious practical advantages in a world without reliable birth control. More than a few decades. We’ve been married 35 years, and sex before marriage was hardly scandalous or rare then. > [@](#): > > For what it’s worth, the non-sectarian “Art of Manliness” blog recently ran an article on [How Delaying Intimacy Can Benefit Your Relationship](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/01/how-delaying-intimacy-can-benefit-your-relationship/): I agree! No sex until the second date. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/28 "2013-07-25T00:22:57Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > MeanOldLady: > > I don’t know whether you consider Orthodox Jews to be “super crazy religious types,” but I’d say that among us, abstinence until marriage is very much the norm rather than the exception. Yes. No offense. Maybe I should stop referring to people’s religious beliefs as “super crazy” if I don’t want people to take offense, but yeah, I would certainly place Orthodox Jews on the, err, extreme end of religious folks. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/29 "2013-07-25T01:10:57Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Is it common for Americans to not even masturbate before marriage? No offense, but is this even a serious question? ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/30 "2013-07-25T01:15:26Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Bear in mind that the average first-marriage age goes down significantly in the sort of places where they teach abstinence only sex ed. There’s [a five year difference](http://www.livescience.com/27974-women-media-age-marriage-states.html) in median first-marriage ages between women in Idaho and Massachusetts, for example. So which is the cause and which is the effect? Or are they related to a third factor? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/31 "2013-07-25T01:20:57Z")
I had lots of sex until I became a Christian at 36 years of age. Then at 39 was engaged. Except for kissing we waited until the honeymoon before anything. 'course, divorced 4 years later but the honeymoon was fun. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TimeWinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bcef8e/32.png) [@TimeWinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TimeWinder)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/32 "2013-07-25T01:21:47Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > So which is the cause and which is the effect? Or are they related to a third factor? It’s not clear. The “Third Factor” is specific religious beliefs, generally the ones associated with the right (conservative) side of the American political spectrum. Statistically speaking, abstinence-only sex education doesn’t decrease teen sexual behavior, it just increases teen pregnancies. ([Abstinence-only education and teen pregnancy rates: why we need comprehensive sex education in the U.S - PubMed](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22022362)) Whether higher teen pregnancies is the primary cause of higher teen marriages, I can’t find a study on. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/33 "2013-07-25T01:29:10Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > In other news, my mother was praised my oldest brother for being a virgin when he married. Publicly – in church, to be specific., Please revise and resubmit. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/34 "2013-07-25T19:10:03Z")
My father was not a virgin when he married my mother, but she was and they delayed sex till after marriage. My point is that not having sex before marriage is not the same as being a virgin. It is not clear what some of these statistics actually refer to. My kids were all living with their mates for years before they married. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/35 "2013-07-25T19:41:35Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > My father was not a virgin when he married my mother, but she was and they delayed sex till after marriage. My point is that not having sex before marriage is not the same as being a virgin. It is not clear what some of these statistics actually refer to. My kids were all living with their mates for years before they married. My parents were married secretly for about a year before they told anyone about it. This was in the late '30s, and I can only assume this was for sex. But they got over it, and had no problem with me sharing a room with girlfriends when we visited. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/36 "2013-07-25T19:49:10Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > My point is that not having sex before marriage is not the same as being a virgin. Um, yeah, it actually is. Your mom was a virgin at the time of the marriage, you’re father was not. Virgin = one who has never had sex. Your definition of what constitutes sex may differ from mine, but “virgin” means never did whatever you feel constitutes sex. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/37 "2013-07-25T20:14:45Z")
I’m in my mid forties. More people that I know well enough to know anything about their sexual history had sex before being married than didn’t. I do know that a fair number of them have only had sex with the person they ended up marrying. My first husband had not had sex before we married, but I had. That difference ended up being problematic. It seemed to me that he could never forgive me for not being a virgin when we married - even though I had told him long before we were engaged that I was not. In talking with my teenage son I’ve been frank about “this is why I think the church wants people to wait” and “here’s why I’m sure you’re not going to hell if you don’t wait” and that either choice is valid, and “use a condom” A friend of mine likes to tell a story of sitting in her family’s kitchen when she was in her late twenties. I don’t know how the topic of sex came up but her dad said “well, I was a virgin when I got married.” From over his shoulder her mom turned around and said “You were not!” I think it illustrates that there’s some perceived value in perpetuating the myth. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/38 "2013-07-25T20:21:40Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > I don’t know why people seem to think it was different in the old days. I guess it’s just because it was less accepted then, so it wasn’t widely acknowledged, while nowadays people don’t disapprove of premarital sex as much. Because our moms and grandmas swore to us that they never had sex before marriage, and we believed them. You callin’ my mom and grandma liars? 😛 Besides, I’m not sure that “the percentage of people who engage in premarital sex hasn’t changed” necessarily means “people aren’t having any more premarital sex than they ever did.” I don’t have cites, but it seems to me that with people spend more years engaging in sex before marriage, and they’re more likely have multiple partners during those years. Anecdotal evidence: I first had sex 8 years before I got married; to match that, my mother and grandmother would have had to lose their virginity at the age of 10. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/39 "2013-07-25T20:32:32Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Besides, I’m not sure that “the percentage of people who engage in premarital sex hasn’t changed” necessarily means “people aren’t having any more premarital sex than they ever did.” I don’t have cites, but it seems to me that with people spend more years engaging in sex before marriage, and they’re more likely have multiple partners during those years. Anecdotal evidence: I first had sex 8 years before I got married; to match that, my mother and grandmother would have had to lose their virginity at the age of 10. I agree with you, because things are a lot easier now than they used to be. My dorm stopped worrying about women staying over night the year or so before I got there. The first time I visited my now-wife in her dorm I had to sleep in a men’s dorm because I was not allowed to stay. (It changed the next year.) And there used to be lots of jokes about signing a hotel register Mr and Mrs John Smith. See the second Firesign Theatre album or even _The Graduate._ No hotel this side of Saudi Arabia cares any more. Hell, look at _Three’s Company_. I’d bet this reduced the frequency at least. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385/40 "2013-07-25T20:54:08Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > My point is that not having sex before marriage is not the same as being a virgin. It is not clear what some of these statistics actually refer to. > [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Um, yeah, it actually is. Your mom was a virgin at the time of the marriage, you’re father was not. Virgin = one who has never had sex. Your definition of what constitutes sex may differ from mine, but “virgin” means never did whatever you feel constitutes sex. People often stretch the definition of “sex” to accommodate their beliefs. **Doctor Jackson** ’s response makes this pretty clear. Personally, when engaging in this kind of discussion, I tend to define “sex” as “any behavior intended to achieve erotic gratification with another person.” Whacking off by yourself isn’t sex, but penis-in-vagina, oral sex, masturbating someone else, and that thing with the whipped cream and the feather duster are all sex. As far premarital abstinence goes, I suspect that for most people, fear of pregnancy was a far greater deterrent than any notions of the morality of premarital sex. My 90-year-old FIL was recently recounting a conversation he’d had with his brother when both were young men. FIL had just announced that he and his long-time girlfriend (whom his brother disliked) had gone and gotten married at City Hall. FIL’s brother snidely asked his now-SIL, “Are you _pregnant_?” Sixty-five years later, FIL was still outraged, telling me, “We certainly hadn’t done _that_ - it would’ve been the end of her education!” From this I infer that they’d certainly been doing plenty of other things. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-americans-not-to-have-sex-before-marriage/664385.md?page=3)