# How common is it for two friends (male-female) to go out to dinner? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 6, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102 "2010-12-06T02:07:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/61 "2010-12-07T19:36:48Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I’m not saying that dinner is necessarily more formal–simply that it has those connotations for some people. Also, if there is going to be a formal meal, it’s usually dinner. Oh, sure - no argument :). I was just adding another voice to point out that for _some_ folks ( me included ) there isn’t an automatic assumption of your average, everyday dinner as being particularly more significant than lunch. Or in other words, it would never occur to me that going out to a casual lunch with a female friend was okay, but a equally casual ( to me ) dinner was verboten because that meal is _always_ invested with more gravitas. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/62 "2010-12-07T19:51:15Z")
Oh, same here–dinner is almost always just a timing issue for me, too. But you asked what the difference was, and there is one. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/63 "2010-12-07T20:09:28Z")
The way you said : > [@Diamonds02](#): > > He has offered to eat dinner with me on occasion. Makes me wonder. How are these invitations put forth? Those of you who have friends of the opposite sex: what do you _do_ with them? 28 yo female here- my male friends have been my platonic buddies since high school. We go to bookstores or shows together, hiking, get together to play board games, go out to eat, etc. There’s no rhyme or reason that I know of. I have never given it a single thought. I had no idea that some would see that as weird. Also, the guy is close friends with all or most of his exes? Sounds like he can handle friendships with women. If you don’t want to, though, I’m sure it’s no skin off anybody’s nose. Next time he asks why don’t you just say “What, like a _ **date?!** _” and clue him in to how you think of dinners with boys. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/64 "2010-12-07T20:29:36Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > Those of you who have friends of the opposite sex: what do you _do_ with them? Same things as my female friends. Talk, have drinks, go see bands play, go to movies, have each other over to watch stuff, look at stupid shit on the internet, go for walks, go out for breakfast/lunch/dinner/brunch, play video games, pass out at each other’s houses, make dinner, go shopping for books or music… ---
**Author:** ![Candyman74](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/65 "2010-12-07T20:36:05Z")
> [@tpatsfan](#): > > What is the difference between lunch and dinner? It is just the time of day? I’m sure local customs differ the world over, but for me lunch and dinner have different connotations. That may well not be the case for you; no need to get confused, though - it’s simply a case of social expectations being different between different people and in different parts of the world. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/66 "2010-12-07T21:11:16Z")
I would say it is possible for male-female friends to go out for dinner and have it mean nothing romantically, but if either person is involved in a relationship, that relationship has to be given some consideration as well. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/67 "2010-12-07T21:56:38Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I would say it is possible for male-female friends to go out for dinner and have it mean nothing romantically, but if either person is involved in a relationship, that relationship has to be given some consideration as well. This is true, but your relationship needs to be given consideration if you’re spending time with _anyone_ who isn’t your partner, regardless of gender or sexuality concerns. It only needs to be especially considered if the time you’re spending is with a person within your attraction sector if there are jealousy, boundary or attraction issues. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/68 "2010-12-08T17:39:14Z")
Exactly. It’s all about balance. Having your SO be the only person you have a close relationship with? Probably not healthy. Confiding in someone else, regardless of gender or level of attraction, to the exclusion of your SO, even if there is no physical cheating? Also not good. ---
**Author:** ![tpatsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tpatsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tpatsfan)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/69 "2010-12-08T23:28:48Z")
Saying that whats the difference between lunch and dinner was rhetorical. I realize the difference my point was who cares. A meal is a meal. It isn’t like your going to wear your long black dress and high heals and sit by candle light. Your just going to dinner at a restaurant. When you out for sushi at lunch time time and dinner the only difference if they have lunch specials. You can’t let society’s standards get the best out of you. If we did that we would all weight 120lbs (women) and for men idk. And we we would run 5 miles a day and hell wouldn’t eat half the food we eat. So this conversation wouldn’t be an issue because we would be at the gym instead and eating power bars for dinner and salads for lunch and fruit and nuts for breakfast. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/70 "2010-12-09T18:04:03Z")
If you think that’s most of what American society does, boy, have I got news for you. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/71 "2010-12-09T18:34:27Z")
I’m with **Anaamika**. Anyone who thought they had the right to demand that I not hang out with whoever the fuck I wanted to without a damn good reason (like, “killed my dog with a baseball bat”) is not someone I’d even consider dating in the first place. The fact that some of my friends are attractive women is not a fault of mine or theirs, and I’m not going to give them up because someone else thinks it is. > [@KellyCriterion](#): > > Because men and women who are in relationships shouldn’t place themselves in situations where they can develop genuine feelings for members of the opposite sex. Regular (or semi-regular) one-on-one dinners can allow you to form an intimate relationship with somebody. That’s why their used for real dates. This is absolute… _checks forum_ …nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Candyman74](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/72 "2010-12-09T18:57:07Z")
> [@tpatsfan](#): > > Saying that whats the difference between lunch and dinner was rhetorical. I realize the difference my point was who cares. Me, clearly. > [@](#): > > You can’t let society’s standards get the best out of you. It has nothing to do with society, and everything to do what makes _me_ personally feel uncomfortable. I’m not telling you how to live your life; why are you telling me how to live mine? “Society’s rules don’t matter but MINE do, so you should abide by them!” is your message? You’ve made it clear what your opinion on appropriate behaviour is, and that’s fine - for you. I’ve no problem with that. I’m not trying to inflict my personal behavioural patterns on you. You do what you want to do, I’ll do what i want to do, and we’ll all be happy. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/73 "2010-12-09T20:28:29Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I go out to dinner one on one with my single male friends all the time. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it if I weren’t single as well, but I am. I don’t see that it would be all that unusual- people get together to eat all the time, everywhere. I go out to dinner with female friends (both single and married) pretty often, and my wife goes out with male friends and colleagues on occasion too. Total non-issue. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/74 "2010-12-09T20:43:47Z")
I’ve gone out to lunch or dinner with female friends in the past and I’ve never had problems with my any of my previous girlfriends hanging out with her guy friends alone, and I don’t really get why it’s any different from hanging out with my guy friends. The only way I can see it causing problems is if one of you has feelings for the other, at which point you’re not really just hanging out as friends, or if there’s a jealous SO involved, but if there’s a jealous SO involved then there’s other more serious problems to deal with. I also don’t really understand why it would make someone uncomfortable unless they were concerned the other person had feelings. If you’re both clear that it’s just to hang out, I don’t see the harm. And, besides, what else can a male and female friend do as just two people that doesn’t have some sort of potential dating implications. Go to a bar? See a movie? Pretty much anything that two same-sex friends can do will have potential dating implications when the two friends are opposite sexes. The only thing I’d say is just make sure that if you have an SO that they know about it and if things do get uncomfortable, do something about it. Otherwise, if you can’t do friend stuff together, well, you’re not really friends, you’re just social aquaintances that hang out in similar circles. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/75 "2010-12-09T21:06:56Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > The only thing I’d say is just make sure that if you have an SO that they know about it and if things do get uncomfortable, do something about it. Otherwise, if you can’t do friend stuff together, well, you’re not really friends, you’re just social aquaintances that hang out in similar circles. That’s pretty much it. I do friend stuff with my friends, male or female. And yup, I’ve gone on kayak-camping expeditions with a female friend when my wife couldn’t make it. There wasn’t any “sexual tension” and not a fleeting moment of “romance” because we’re _friends_. YWe have nurtured our relationship and our social dynamic has matured, so I think it’s fair to say that we do have a significant emotional investment in each other. But romance? Oh, hells no! It would be like trying to develop romantic thoughts for my sister! Ew! ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/76 "2010-12-09T22:22:57Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > Pretty much anything that two same-sex friends can do will have potential dating implications when the two friends are opposite sexes. Also, if a straight man is hanging out with a woman he’s not interested in, what makes it better to hang out with a gay man he’s (presumably also) not interested in? Same situation. ---
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/77 "2010-12-10T21:06:10Z")
My wife and I go out to dinner individually with our non-mutual friends quite often, most of whom tend to be of the opposite sex. Conceptually, it’s not weird at all to me as most of my friends throughout my life have been female and they’ve almost never been “with benefits.” ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Tyger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Silver\_Tyger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Tyger)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/78 "2010-12-11T00:30:27Z")
My mom was uncomfortable because I would spend time with guys who were married. This wasn’t, y’know, go to the movies, go to dinner, hang out afterwards time. This was exactly what the OP asked - a meal, the two of us, usually with him treating (mostly because both of the guys have more money than I do). I don’t even have a problem with spending more time together, within limit (if someone is spending a ton of time with one person, especially if that one person isn’t the one they’re in a relationship with, you have to ask questions). Married guys don’t even come up on my radar as available and I would assume that any friend of mine who wanted to hang out just wanted to hang out. If there were hints of otherwise, I wouldn’t do it. But two people eating together? Why not? Why does it matter the gender of the people? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2010, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/79 "2010-12-11T02:27:48Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > If you feel yourself incapable of becoming a close non-sexual friend of someone of the opposite sex, please don’t project that onto other people. > > Why does there have to be “blame”? Either you will break up with the person you are seeing so you can date the friend-you-now-have-the-hots-for, or you will just ignore the non-platonic feelings for FYNHTHF (which may include cutting off your relationship with them). Or, you know, become a cheating dickhead, but that’s irrelevant, since cheating dickheads will cheat regardless. > > Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you magically stop being attracted to everyone else for the rest of your life. It just means that, assuming that the relationship is monogomous, you’ve agreed not to engage in certain activities with other people without your SO’s approval. Maybe you’ll develop an attraction for someone else but decide that you like your SO more and honor that commitment; maybe you’ll develop an attraction for someone else and realize that you really didn’t care as much for your SO as you thought you did, in which case it’s not fair to either of you to stay in that relationship. > > IMO, if your relationship is so fragile that you can’t become friends with people of the gender you’re attracted to for fear of cheating on your SO, your relationship wasn’t that strong to begin with. > > Dinner is generally a more formal activity than lunch. The latter is seen as a more casual meal. It’s nice to know that what I’ve always thought about people is true. There really are people out there that are so selfish that a relationship is all about how they feel. The idea of commitment is completely foreign to them. All being in a relationship means to them is to make them feel good, and when they think they can feel better with someone else, they’ll bail. No wonder divorce is so popular. No wonder people feel they have to cheat. No, when you enter an exclusive relationship, you are committing to not intentionally put yourself in a situation where that relationship will be compromised. If the relationship itself dwindles, that’s fine. But it should not be because you put yourself in a situation where you may get overwhelmed by your hormones and cheat. That’s why there is so much cheating. And to think I was going to come in here and defend that people can eat out of the opposite sex. But, surprise surprise, I can’t because I encounter someone who wants to make moral judgments while being immoral themselves. If you want to insult someone, take it to the pit. That’s the purpose of the pit, not just being mad at people randomly because you can, as some seem to think. ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102/80 "2010-12-11T02:51:36Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > How common is this? And should this make me feel uncomfortable? I’m male, single, 36 - just to make it clear. I like eating out. It’s a good social thing to do that I enjoy - because I really love good food (I like to cook for family, friends and acquaintances too) and I like “intimate” face-to-face talks with people. One of my best (male) friends doesn’t really enjoy dining out and I occasionally go to a restaurant with his girlfriend and as far as I can see that’s all good. It gives us a chance to catch up and enjoy some good food, and it certainly doesn’t get in the way of our relationships. It’s been mentioned before in this thread, but the main issue as far as I can see is that you want to know what you’re doing. If you’re “dating”, it’s fine if you don’t know the exact boundaries, but with “just friends” of the opposite sex, it helps to know where you stand. At least for me. Anyway, the “dining” issue seems to me to be just a detail in your relationship. Talk about it if you’re not sure. It’s not nearly as difficult as it seems. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-common-is-it-for-two-friends-male-female-to-go-out-to-dinner/563102.md?page=5)