# How could a man use potatoes to masterbate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371 "2013-05-26T03:21:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/1 "2013-05-26T03:21:00Z")
Please don’t be mean, I have a mentally retarded (FragileX) relative (50) who does this. We always found potatoes under his bed, and could never figure out why he took them from the pantry to his bedroom. Now he does live in a facility, but when he came home on a visit, this always happened. Then the facility called us after one home visit, and explained why he did this, and that when he returned after a home visit, he usually got an infection of some sort from the potatoes. They asked that we put a basket or something of clean potatoes in his room when he came home. The potatoes were never damaged (well…um) or broken in any way, so we can’t figure this one out. Even the men in the family claim ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/2 "2013-05-26T03:23:45Z")
I’m stumped. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/3 "2013-05-26T03:31:42Z")
I’m buggered ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/4 "2013-05-26T03:31:42Z")
Sorry, no idea how to fix the title. Damn it. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/5 "2013-05-26T03:37:40Z")
I don’t know, but I wouldn’t let him help cook anything in the kitchen. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/6 "2013-05-26T03:49:49Z")
Well, I mean, you could certainly rub your junk against a potato if you were inclined to do so. I don’t know why you’d want to do that, but the list of verifiably-practiced sexual activities I can’t fathom anyone enjoying would take eons to compile. In a world where dozens of men per year decide it sounds like fun to stuff their sausage into the business end of Hoover,\* potatophilia is comparatively pretty tame. ---
**Author:** ![PaulParkhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PaulParkhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulParkhead)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/7 "2013-05-26T03:55:06Z")
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#): > > Well, I mean, you could certainly rub your junk against a potato if you were inclined to do so. I don’t know why you’d want to do that, but the list of verifiably-practiced sexual activities I can’t fathom anyone enjoying would take eons to compile. > > In a world where dozens of men per year decide it sounds like fun to stuff their sausage into the business end of Hoover,\* potatophilia is comparatively pretty tame. Well yes but…how? And why? I mean, it’s conceptually easier to understand why some guy might stick his junk in the Hoover than it is to see what he might do with fully intact potatoes. I mean, call me old fashioned and all. ---
**Author:** ![Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speak_to_me_Maddie)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/8 "2013-05-26T04:32:04Z")
What’s infected? His penis or anus? ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/9 "2013-05-26T04:49:16Z")
Dunno, they said “his groin area.” ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/10 "2013-05-26T04:58:33Z")
I’d ask at your local Irish Embassy. ---
**Author:** ![cougar58](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@cougar58](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cougar58)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/11 "2013-05-26T05:01:19Z")
mystery solved [http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1429/552125548\_5439d58c7c.jpg](http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1429/552125548_5439d58c7c.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/12 "2013-05-26T05:38:28Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > Please don’t be mean, I have a mentally retarded (FragileX) relative (50) who does this. We always found potatoes under his bed, and could never figure out why he took them from the pantry to his bedroom. Now he does live in a facility, but when he came home on a visit, this always happened. Then the facility called us after one home visit, and explained why he did this, and that when he returned after a home visit, he usually got an infection of some sort from the potatoes. They asked that we put a basket or something of clean potatoes in his room when he came home. That is very considerate of the facility. I’m serious. > [@](#): > > The potatoes were never damaged (well…um) or broken in any way, so we can’t figure this one out. Even the men in the family claim ignorance. I gotta think he’s shoving those spuds up his bum. (For masturbating) No need to worry. It is the Circle of Life. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/13 "2013-05-26T05:51:44Z")
> [@colander](#): > > I gotta think he’s shoving those spuds up his bum. (For masturbating) This. Good thing is not a pedophile, or he’d use Tater Tots. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/14 "2013-05-26T05:59:52Z")
(Congratulations on the best thread I think I’ve ever seen in **IMHO** , by the way. There were laughs, chills, and at the end I think I even got something in my eye.) ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/15 "2013-05-26T06:04:42Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Good thing is not a pedophile, or he’d use Tater Tots. He can use whatever he likes, he’s a dick tater. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/16 "2013-05-26T06:10:22Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > He can use whatever he likes, he’s a dick tater. He’s mashterbating. > [@colander](#): > > and at the end I think I even got something in my eye. How do you think the potato felt. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/17 "2013-05-26T06:16:12Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > How do you think the potato felt. Au gratin no idea. ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/18 "2013-05-26T06:19:05Z")
“I call her Julienne!” ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/19 "2013-05-26T06:22:47Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > This. > > Good thing is not a pedophile, or he’d use Tater Tots. according to the op the potatoes were found unaltered. could he sit and rock on them and message the prostate at the base of the penis and get the same effect? ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/20 "2013-05-26T06:40:35Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > according to the op the potatoes were found unaltered. So? What are most people’s buttholes going to be able to do to a raw potato that they can’t just rinse off in the sink after they’re done? > [@](#): > > could he sit and rock on them and message the prostate at the base of the penis and get the same effect? I suppose he could try, but I don’t imagine it’s anywhere near as much fun. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371.md?page=2)