# How could a man use potatoes to masterbate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371 "2013-05-26T03:21:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/21 "2013-05-26T06:41:21Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > mystery solved > > [http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1429/552125548\_5439d58c7c.jpg](http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1429/552125548_5439d58c7c.jpg) Dayum! They weren’t kidding, there’s infections all over that thing! Look at all the little sores and skin chapping off. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/22 "2013-05-26T06:49:49Z")
Your family member has got a lot of [del]spunk[/del] spud! ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/23 "2013-05-26T08:29:30Z")
> [@PaulParkhead](#): > > Well yes but…how? And why? I mean, it’s conceptually easier to understand why some guy might stick his junk in the Hoover than it is to see what he might do with fully intact potatoes. > > I mean, call me old fashioned and all. Well, the “how” is simple enough to imagine. I’d place 50/50 odds on the following step-by-step instructions: 1. Rub erect penis against potato - OR - 1. Insert potato into anus 2. Masturbate normally Straightforward enough. I mean, maybe he holds the potato between his knees and jerks it in a 3/8 rhythm with his left hand while facing Mecca, but Occam’s Razor and all that. As to the “why” of it all, that goes back to “who knows why anyone gets off on anything.” I personally once knew a dude who enjoyed images of women who’d turned into rubber balloon animals inflated to near-popping. (I implore that you do not ask me how I came about this information.) People are weird. ---
**Author:** ![Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Speak\_to\_me\_Maddie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speak_to_me_Maddie)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/24 "2013-05-26T11:56:09Z")
Also, awesome username/question combo. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/25 "2013-05-26T12:02:49Z")
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#): > > I personally once knew a dude who enjoyed images of women who’d turned into rubber balloon animals inflated to near-popping. (I implore that you do not ask me how I came about this information.) Please? Pretty please tell us? Imploring that someone not ask is like sending a “please ignore that email I just sent” email. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/26 "2013-05-26T12:23:28Z")
Can we vote? I really don’t want to know how he knows. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/27 "2013-05-26T12:23:55Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > Your family member has got a lot of [del]spunk[/del] spud! I HATE spud! ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/28 "2013-05-26T12:30:59Z")
> [@Flywheel](#): > > “I call her Julienne!” …catchier than Idaho…and less TMI than Red Bliss… > [@colander](#): > > So? What are most people’s buttholes going to be able to do to a raw potato that they can’t just rinse off in the sink after they’re done? …and put back? _yikes!_ “Dinner’s ready…!” :eek: C’mon, nobody threw up in their mouths a little after realizing that at family reunion dinners and possibly the ones for a few days after, everyone in that house had a plate full of the tang of uncle X’s ass…? “Honey, are these Maine potatoes? Did you use a new recipe? They’re so… different… tonight.” ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/29 "2013-05-26T14:10:56Z")
Good gravy! ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/30 "2013-05-26T14:37:13Z")
The secret is to never russet… ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/31 "2013-05-26T14:37:25Z")
I’m guessing that he likes the feel of potato skin on his boy parts. This is nowhere near as bizarre as women using a potato to hold up their “fallen womb” and she ends up having an emergency hysterectomy because the thing sprouted inside her. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/32 "2013-05-26T15:13:48Z")
> [@Dallas\_Jones](#): > > I don’t know, but I wouldn’t let him help cook anything in the kitchen. My Grandpa’s hamburger helper was suspiciously creamy now that I think about it. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/33 "2013-05-26T15:23:44Z")
> [@colander](#): > > (Congratulations on the best thread I think I’ve ever seen in **IMHO** , by the way. There were laughs, chills, and at the end I think I even got something in my eye.) No kidding. I laughed, I cried, I shook my head in wonderment. Has anyone ever thought of asking the guy what he does with the potatoes? Hmmm? I’d like to know. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/34 "2013-05-26T16:03:55Z")
He’s having a relationship with Mr. Potatohead. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/35 "2013-05-26T16:35:58Z")
I’d classify many of the questions raised in this thread to be under the category of “Things man was NOT meant to know.” ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/36 "2013-05-26T16:41:48Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > I’d classify many of the questions raised in this thread to be under the category of “Things man was NOT meant to know.” The pictures in you head could really motivate you to stick to your low carb diet. ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/37 "2013-05-26T16:55:12Z")
Does he go for yams when he’s looking for strange? Could this be a screenplay idea for a new Veggie Tale film? ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/38 "2013-05-26T17:07:41Z")
Who’s da ho?! I da ho!! I honestly don’t have a clue. Then again, if you gave me a choice of having sex with Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or a sack of potatoes - I would chose the potatoes every time. At least you could have an interesting conversation with the potatoes after sex. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/39 "2013-05-26T17:18:02Z")
This sounds like a scene from a movie like Hang Over or an episode of Jackass. Some half drunk dumb ass stands up on a table at about 2pm at the local Saint Patty’s Day Celebration/Drunk fest and shouts out “hey, EXACTLY HOW do you masterbate with potatos?” Hijinks ensue. Don’t get me wrong. I actually like the Irish and St Pattys day. Hell, my best friend is a potato. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/40 "2013-05-26T17:24:18Z")
> [@Roland\_Orzabal](#): > > 1. Insert potato into anus > 2. Masturbate normally If that is the list of instructions, there is no way that 2 could possibly follow from 1, at least not in the way that “normally” is ordinarily understood. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371.md?page=3)