# How could a man use potatoes to masterbate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371 "2013-05-26T03:21:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/41 "2013-05-26T17:24:40Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > … [snip] … Don’t get me wrong. I actually like the Irish and St Pattys day. Hell, my best friend is a potato. Sure, but would you want your daughter to marry a potato? ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/42 "2013-05-26T17:25:40Z")
Can he even count to potato? ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/43 "2013-05-26T17:28:38Z")
Maybe he gets turned on by the smell of potatoes. That still doesn’t explain exactly how he does the deed, though. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/44 "2013-05-26T17:35:07Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > Sure, but would you want your daughter to marry a potato? I go to NASCAR races and have a rebel flag bummer sticker. What do you think? ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/45 "2013-05-26T17:38:08Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Can he even count to potato? Potato + 1! ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/46 "2013-05-26T17:40:21Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Can he even count to potato? Beets me. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/47 "2013-05-26T18:04:56Z")
[QUOTE=Ranger Jeff] Sure, but would you want your daughter to marry a potato? > [@billfish678](#): > > I go to NASCAR races and have a rebel flag bummer sticker. What do you think? [/QUOTE] Boy, there are so many ways I could go with that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/48 "2013-05-26T18:23:44Z")
🙂 ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/49 "2013-05-26T21:10:33Z")
I just remembered a story from my younger days. Bob and I hung out at the beach all the time. He had all the babes and I had nothing. So one day this conversation happened. Bill: Bob, just HOW do you get all these babes? Bob: Easy Bill, you get yourself a nice speedo. Bill: I dunno, I’d feel pretty self conscious in a speedo. Bob: Yeah, it takes some getting used to but trust me it works. Bill: Okay, I’ll give it a try. But you know , you still seem to be better off than any other guys in a speedo. Bob: Yeah, that’s my special secret. Bill: What’s that? Bob: A potato. Bill: A potato?! Bob: Yes, a potato. You put it in the speedo. Drives the girls wild. Now, don’t get TOO carried away. Any decent sized one will do. Bill: Well, I’'ll be damned. I’ll give anything a try at this point. So, a few weeks pass and I get used to wearing a speedo at the beach. Things improve slightly but still not much luck. The 4th of July weekend comes up and now is my big chance. I agree to meet Bob at the beach that Saturday. On the way I swing by the grocery store and pick up a nice russet. Walking down the beach to Bob’s standard spot I get lots of attention. Maybe too much. Is the russet too big? Is the speedo a bit too colorful and over the top? Something just doesn’t seem right! I finally walk up to Bob and he spits his coke out. Bob: Bill, the potato goes in the FRONT! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/50 "2013-05-26T21:16:09Z")
opps double potato post ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/51 "2013-05-26T22:18:02Z")
In one of the later Hitchhiker’s books, Arthur Dent has been stuck alone on a planet so long that his yearning for sex and his yearning for potatoes have become confused. Forget which one. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/52 "2013-05-26T22:23:15Z")
We’d ask, but he cannot speak above a 2 or 3 year old level. File under the unknown, I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/53 "2013-05-26T23:15:58Z")
I guess if he gets into S&M he’ll want whipped potatoes. ---
**Author:** ![slowlearner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@slowlearner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slowlearner)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/54 "2013-05-26T23:27:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Songwriters: LAWLER, ERNEST > Refrain: > Baby, they diggin’ my potatoes > Lord, they trampin’ on my vine > Now I’ve got a special plan now baby > Lord, that a-restin’ on my mind > Now, I don’t want no cabbage sprouts, > Bring me a solid head. > S’pose they call the wagon . . . (?) > I catched him in my bed > You know they – (REFRAIN) > Now my vines is all green > ‘Tatoes they all red > Never found a bruised one > Till I caught them in my bed > You know they – (REFRAIN) > Now, I’ve been all around > Lookin’ up and down > Never found my baby > ‘Cause she was layin’ in another town > I know she’s diggin’ my potatoes > Lord, she’s trampin’ on my vine > Yes, now I got a special plan now baby > Lord, that a-restin’ on my mind > Yes, I’ve got a special plan now baby > Lord, that a-restin’ on my mind Big Bill Broonzy sings this old song. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/55 "2013-05-26T23:31:17Z")
No offense, but do you even _want_ to know? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/56 "2013-05-27T00:31:08Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > We’d ask, but he cannot speak above a 2 or 3 year old level. > > File under the unknown, I suppose. I guess you’re going to have to hide in the closet. The Dope will not rest until the potato mystery is solved. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/57 "2013-05-27T00:46:40Z")
Root vegetable. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/58 "2013-05-27T03:05:12Z")
> [@](#): > > No offense, but do you even want to know? Certainly no offense taken, it was just the damn weirdest thing. We’re still stumped. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/59 "2013-05-27T05:19:08Z")
Jeez I was raised in Idaho, and I don’t know what he’s up to. If we’re talkin’ sheep, now, that’s a different story… ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2013, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371/60 "2013-05-27T05:29:58Z")
A _Texas Monthly_ article on the state penal (heh) system named avocados as the masturbatory fruit of choice. But the prisoners were screwing them, not shoving them up their butts … or so they said. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-a-man-use-potatoes-to-masterbate/659371.md?page=4)