# How could my life be worse. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 5, 2004, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573 "2004-05-05T02:01:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/61 "2004-05-06T04:50:05Z")
I’m so tired of stealing toilets. I’ve stolen so many toilets, from so many people, and yet … somehow… I’m unsatisfied. I feel the husk of my once vaulting spirit whirling down into a vast, black emptiness of albino alligators and fluke men. No one could be sadder than me, the anomic toilet thief. ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/62 "2004-05-06T05:26:11Z")
Paris Hilton could be holding a gun to the ferret’s head, while he swims around in the vomit and poop filled toilet (jacking off, of course). Or Paris Hilton could be holding a gun to your head, making you listen to her talk. ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/63 "2004-05-06T05:56:18Z")
> [@Lynne\_kilii](#): > > Over the past few weeks, my life has sucked major. I got in a car crash, I got a flat tire (unrelated), I haven’t worked for over two weeks (temping), and longterm stuff that sucks is that I can’t seem to lose weight, I just keep gaining, and I owe over a thousand dollars to my parents. I’m only 19, and I’m stressed out. How’s this? I’m 25 years old. I’ve not had a date in 5 or so years, because I weigh 350 pounds (down from over 400) and no one will look at me. I am losing weight right now, but even when I’m done, I don’t think I’ll be much to look at – gay guys can be the worst when it comes to appearances. I’m entering the 7th year of school for my bachelor’s degree because of a depression that killed two years of my life. I’m over $30,000 in debt for school and for extraordinarily poor spending habits during that depression. I’ve worked the same retail job for 5 years, and I’ve actually started to like it and to be respected by my coworkers for it. This is following a stellar high school career in a promising magnet, with a future and a master’s degree planned out immediately after graduation from HS, so the let-down I’ve experienced over the past 7 years has been quite dramatic. To top off everything, I’m going noticeably bald. At 25. ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/64 "2004-05-06T06:06:14Z")
You could be [this guy](http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/05/05/nailed.skull.ap/index.html). The man takes six 3.5" nails from an air nailer in the back of the head. Whoopsy. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/65 "2004-05-06T11:52:53Z")
> [@beckwall](#): > > Or Paris Hilton could be holding a gun to your head, making you listen to her talk. :eek: :eek: Ok, you win! :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/66 "2004-05-06T12:09:30Z")
Paris Hilton could get the clap from your toilet seat. Oh. Paris Hilton with the clap is no great imaginary leap… ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/67 "2004-05-06T12:18:16Z")
Paris Hilton could steal your toilet seat and your ferret after getting you in the head with a nail gun 6 times. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/68 "2004-05-06T13:37:21Z")
You people scare me. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/69 "2004-05-06T14:17:46Z")
A toilet seat once bit my sister… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/70 "2004-05-06T19:57:43Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > A toilet seat once bit my sister… My sister once hit a masturbating ferret (that belonged to Paris Hilton) on the toilet seat in the head with a nail gun six times and right after that a crazed gunman broke in the house and stole the toilet. ---
**Author:** ![RainGrowsBrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@RainGrowsBrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RainGrowsBrite)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2004, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/71 "2004-05-06T20:04:38Z")
Your crazed sister’s ferret broke into a gunman’s apartment, who at the time was masturbating to the Paris Hilton sex video while sitting on a stolen toilet, and shot him in the head six times with a nail gun. If I was chosen to guess the motive, I’s say that gunman stole the sister’s toilet and the Ferret’s sex tape. What is the world coming to??? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/72 "2004-05-07T00:42:45Z")
A crazed gunman’s sister broke into Paris Hilton’s apartment who at the time was masturbating to a ferret sex video that involved shooting another ferret in the head with a nail gun six times then going out and stealing toilets and stole her Cuisinart. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/73 "2004-05-07T01:00:00Z")
This entire thread is like one big “Band Name!” joke gone wrong. (I’m just amazed that the 1\*\*\*’\* S\*\*\*\* D\*\*\*\* R\*\*\* haven’t shown up yet…) ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/74 "2004-05-07T01:19:58Z")
> [@Lynne\_kilii](#): > > This is all in good fun, really really. > > Over the past few weeks, my life has sucked major. I got in a car crash, I got a flat tire (unrelated), I haven’t worked for over two weeks (temping), and longterm stuff that sucks is that I can’t seem to lose weight, I just keep gaining, and I owe over a thousand dollars to my parents. I’m only 19, and I’m stressed out. > > So… to make me feel better, and anyone else who is stressed out, tell me (and them) what could be worse. Not you’ve got terminal cancer worse, something like, a crazed gunman takes over your apartment and steals your toilet worse. Well, if you really want to feel better, your problems _are_ pretty small-time. Just wait until you have to decide “mortgage or food” and you’ll pine for the easy-going days of 19! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/75 "2004-05-07T02:10:15Z")
> [@](#): > > A crazed gunman’s sister broke into Paris Hilton’s apartment who at the time was masturbating to a ferret sex video that involved shooting another ferret in the head with a nail gun six times then going out and stealing toilets and stole her Cuisinart. Ferret Snuff Films. That’s disturbing. ---
**Author:** ![Starguard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Starguard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starguard)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/76 "2004-05-07T04:25:07Z")
Well…amongst all this misery, here’s some good News: I’ve just saved a whole lot of money by switching my car insurance to Gieco 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/77 "2004-05-07T04:58:45Z")
I got my standard “it could be worse. . .” from the old TV show Picket Fences. On one of the episodes, the vet had to give a circus elephant an enema with a garden hose on the floor of her garage. Things may be bad, but I’m not currently giving an elephant an enema with a garden hose on the floor of my garage. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/78 "2004-05-07T05:20:07Z")
A crazed gunman could break into your apartment, steal your toilet, bind you, make you eat an entire jar of pickled eggs, and then jack off a ferret into your face. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/79 "2004-05-07T05:48:29Z")
> [@flamingbananas](#): > > You could walk into your brother’s room to tell him dinner is ready, only to find him jerking off to a _Playboy_ :eek: > > Every sisters nightmare right there. You could walk into your brother’s room to tell him dinner is ready, only to find him jerking off to _pictures of you._ :eek: ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2004, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573/80 "2004-05-07T11:16:35Z")
> [@Jonathan Woodall](#): > > You could walk into your brother’s room to tell him dinner is ready, only to find him jerking off to _pictures of you._ :eek: I’m going to be sick… _Runs in direction of nearest toilet. Only to discover it has been stolen_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-could-my-life-be-worse/243573.md?page=3)