# How do atheists get married? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 17, 2012, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099 "2012-04-17T23:59:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/81 "2012-04-18T14:52:28Z")
My wife and I, both atheists, got married in a Las Vegas chapel. The chapels there tend to have no overt religious decor, and we asked for a non-religious ceremony. The officiant had all sorts of different ceremonies memorized, so no advance prep was needed. I don’t think anyone noticed that he didn’t mention Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/82 "2012-04-18T15:06:36Z")
> [@Aro](#): > > A good friend of mine (an Ulster protestant, BTW) is getting married to a catholic girl in Dublin in a few months and they are doing the whole big church wedding thing. The weirdest part of that caper is the priest will only marry them after many hours of pre-wedding counselling and discussions on the complications of the ‘mixed marriage’ event and the procreation habits they might (must?) undertake post wedding etc.. That obstructive interference preceding the wedding would dwarf, for me, any issue at all with the religious elements of the service - much harder to accept and/or keep a straight face at. 🙂 Let me guess–you’re Ulster Protestant, too. The pre-wedding counseling covers other topics than religious & is required for Catholic weddings in other countries, too. Do try to behave yourself at the wedding–if you have been invited. Texas has common law marriage. Any fool can marry two people legally single & of age. I’ve had friends married by mail order ministers–back in pre-Internet days. Or Buddhist clergy. Or in the courthouse downtown. And I’ve known many non-fundamentalist Atheists (more on the Agnostic spectrum) happy to have a religious ceremony to make the family happy; besides, many churches are rather beautiful. Then there are the mixed marriages–like the one in a Methodist Church with Jesuit prayers. And there are always the Unitarians… To the OP: Queen Victoria chose to wear white for her wedding, so it became the fashion. However, she had the dress altered for later use–the wedding dress worn only for that one ceremony was a later fashion. White signifying virginity was tacked on later. I hate to disillusion you, but most of today’s brides in white are _not_ virgins… ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/83 "2012-04-18T15:17:37Z")
I wonder if there’s such a thing as a Christian anarchist wedding, where they get married in a church but nobody tells the government about it? ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/84 "2012-04-18T15:17:38Z")
> [@SDMBKL](#): > > How do atheists from around the world get married? I mean, I know there are a lot of atheists out there, and I bet some of them want to start a family and procreate legitimate children, so how do they get married? Am I the only one who took offense at the above underlined language? Back to the OP, my wife and I got married by my niece on a deck at our house. We wrote our own vows, no one mentioned any gods, a good time was had by all. I have a suspicion that their may have been one or two non-atheists present, but they kept quiet about our ritual (like I do when I attend a wedding at a church). ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/85 "2012-04-18T15:23:43Z")
Wifes cousin. At least since we knew her it had some special meaning for us. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/86 "2012-04-18T15:33:38Z")
> [@SDMBKL](#): > > I apologize if the question sounds a bit stupid or rude, but it has never really occurred to me that atheists would get married with some sort of traditional ritual. It’s troubling that you would imply respect for tradition depends on suffering from socially-accepted schizophrenic tendencies. That said, **Debon Err** and I were standing in front of the fish tank on New Years Eve. We’d recently watched _Joe vs. The Volcano_ so I came out with, “You wanna marry me?” to which she replied, “Ok. You wanna marry me?” and I said, “Ok.” Colorado allows self-solemnification so the deal was done. We got the rings out of the dresser (we were planning on getting hitched a few months later anyway) and started sporting the new jools. Couple days later we advised the state in the presence of some of our favorite people–the good folks at the DMV (we’re gear-heads). Best marriage I’ve ever had. Religion, in my opinion, is one of the most terrible injustices mankind has ever wrought on itself. Fear of retribution or unsatisfying reincarnation replaces the self discipline to think “Hey, how about I just do the right thing and live honorably.” ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/87 "2012-04-18T15:36:41Z")
I’m a Universal Life Church minister (yup, the one from the back pages of Rolling Stone). I’ve married a few grad students when I was a grad student - I’d do it for a bottle of wine, while the local judge cost $50. I would put a lot of effort into the ceremony, and it was generally quite nice Years later, some friends of mine asked me to do the ceremony for them in Ontario. ULC isn’t recognized in Ontario, so they had to have another minister do the legal marriage prior to me doing the ceremony. They got the local atheist (“humanist”) minister to do it. Hope this helps. It was a lovely ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/88 "2012-04-18T15:39:06Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I wonder if there’s such a thing as a Christian anarchist wedding, where they get married in a church but nobody tells the government about it? Do you count fundamentalist polygamist sects? ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/89 "2012-04-18T15:46:52Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I wonder if there’s such a thing as a Christian anarchist wedding, where they get married in a church but nobody tells the government about it? I know it’s against the law in the Netherlands. You’re not even allowed the church ceremony first. So maybe people do try, I can see the (Dutch) religious crazies claiming the gummint’s got nothin to do with marriage… ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/90 "2012-04-18T16:30:43Z")
Wife and I got married at Caesars Palace in Vegas. We didn’t want a church wedding, but since we’re not _militant_ atheists, we didn’t mind the fact that it was a reverend that married us; I don’t even recall whether God was mentioned during the ceremony or not. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/91 "2012-04-18T16:32:17Z")
I was married by a minister both times. The first one was a Unitarian minister we knew and we married in a restaurant. The second was a friend of the groom’s family and we were married outside. Nobody was under the impression that we were religious and we removed the God-stuff from the ceremony, and everyone was cool with it. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/92 "2012-04-18T16:35:12Z")
> [@Aro](#): > > the main symbolic exchange of vows is sharing a drink of whisky (well, three - to past, present and future) from a quaich (a traditional two handed cup) Cool idea!! ---
**Author:** ![awldune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@awldune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/awldune)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/93 "2012-04-18T16:52:18Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Outside, by a lovely reverend who didn’t mind our atheism. We sat down with some traditional vows and carefully rewrote them to take God out of them; we like the sound of the traditional vows, but we wanted to be able to say them and mean them, which we couldn’t do if they referenced a religion we didn’t practice. The only religion at our wedding was a fairly nonreligious reading from Ecclesiastes. I did almost exactly this, with a super-hippy Unitarian Universalist preacher lady. No church, no scripture, but just enough traditional Christian ceremony to keep the grandparents comfortable and feel like a “real wedding.” ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/94 "2012-04-18T17:09:38Z")
In Japan, the ceremony has no legal meaning. The two people go to the city office, fill in the paperwork and off you go. A lot of couple will have ceremonies, and faux Christian weddings with Western men dressed up as ministers are popular. The couples aren’t Christian, but they watch Hollywood. Others just have parties. The traditional Japanese wedding is losing popularity. Also, many couples go overseas for weddings, which is actually cheaper than throwing a full-blown reception with 100 of their closest friends. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/95 "2012-04-18T17:15:04Z")
> [@heathen\_earthling](#): > > I wonder if there’s such a thing as a Christian anarchist wedding, where they get married in a church but nobody tells the government about it? Post 62, although generally it’s got nothing to do with anarchism. ---
**Author:** ![phreesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@phreesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phreesh)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/96 "2012-04-18T17:32:14Z")
I got married by a Justice of the Peace in a beautiful garden. We wrote our own vows and God was not invoked in any way. Ceremony took maybe a half hour. I’ve been to both religious and non-religious weddings and it seems to me that it’s primarly a ceremony to make public your committment to each other and a way to celebrate your love of one another with close friends and family. Both types of ceremony accomplish that. Really, the reception is the key event. Lots of good food, drink and fun. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/97 "2012-04-18T17:33:57Z")
> [@SDMBKL](#): > > A wedding in Africa or the Muslim Middle East or Hindu wedding or Chinese wedding would probably not wear white or have a priest conduct the ceremony. I assume that there are atheists around the world, so why should I conclude that atheists only follow a traditional “Western” wedding unless atheists are concentrated in the West? I assume that the Western wedding is latently a Christian wedding, and therefore I tend to also assume that the bride and groom are both Christian (or Jewish, since Jews wear white too in their weddings). Because of all this, I sometimes wonder if it is possible for atheists to marry without the Christian references. The wearing of white is not particularly religious. In the West it is a symbol of purity, and represents the virginity of the bride, back in the good old days when that was expected/common. If I remember my Amy Vanderbilt the bride at second weddings was supposed to wear off-white. But culture and religion are heavily intertwined, and bleed into one another. No Christian references at all in Jewish weddings, which have some symbols (a canopy and a wine glass too break) which are totally different. BTW, someone in my writing group got married by Elvis in Vegas. I guess if God was present in that ceremony depends on your point of view. Nevada in general is easy to get married in, and has lots of quickie wedding chapels. ---
**Author:** ![SDMBKL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sdmbkl/32/7297_2.png) [@SDMBKL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SDMBKL)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/98 "2012-04-18T17:48:58Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > To the OP: Queen Victoria chose to wear white for her wedding, so it became the fashion. However, she had the dress altered for later use–the wedding dress worn only for that one ceremony was a later fashion. White signifying virginity was tacked on later. I hate to disillusion you, but most of today’s brides in white are _not_ virgins… Wow. Cool piece of history. Never knew that the white dress was actually a recent invention. Still, I wasn’t really thinking “virginity”. I used the term, “purity”, because it was the same term I had heard and read, and it always impressed into my mind that white symbolize purity, meaning cleaniness. I interpreted it to mean “cleaniness from evil”, not “sexually abstinent.” Still not sure how sexually abstinence can be considered “clean”. I would have used the term, “unfertilized” or “sexually inexperienced”. It’s more specific. > [@Procrustus](#): > > Am I the only one who took offense at the above underlined language? I think so. I should think that one of the many reasons to get married is to procreate legitimate children. If the parents are not married, then the child(ren) would be considered illegitimate. During the Middle Ages, illegitimate children were marginalized. Edmund from _King Lear_ would serve as a good example. > [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > It’s troubling that you would imply respect for tradition depends on suffering from socially-accepted schizophrenic tendencies. > Religion, in my opinion, is one of the most terrible injustices mankind has ever wrought on itself. Fear of retribution or unsatisfying reincarnation replaces the self discipline to think “Hey, how about I just do the right thing and live honorably.” It’s troubling that you would imply that “traditional rituals” would ultimately mean “religious” and not merely “spiritual” or according to the one’s family traditions, customs, or practices from generation to generation. I think you may want to broaden your definition of religion, because your current definition only has “fear of retribution” and “unsatisfying reincarnation”. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/99 "2012-04-18T17:50:04Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > It’s troubling that you would imply respect for tradition depends on suffering from socially-accepted schizophrenic tendencies. It does show a rather limited exposure to human beings. There are religious traditions, but there are also secular traditions or cultural traditions, and there is often a lot of overlap. Most atheists I know celebrate a secular christmas, but skip the church part. Being UU, I know a bunch that do the church part, too, but without the worship of god part (we have a great Christmas carol service). And there are religious rituals, but likewise, some rituals are secular and some overlap. Weddings are a great example of a traditional ritual where things sort of mush together. Religious Christians have small weddings (though I suppose almost always performed by their pastor) and huge white dress boondoggles. So do atheists, although less likely to have the officiant be a man or woman of god. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099/100 "2012-04-18T17:58:45Z")
I assumed that English is not the OP’s native language, which would explain the awkward phrasing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-atheists-get-married/619099.md?page=6)