A transformer. I got the buzzerfrom Radio Shack.
I agree with the suggestions to think like a cat and communicate on the cat’s level. If you stepped on the cat’s face, what’s he gonna do to let you know he’s pissed? He’ll hiss and spit and bat you. So that’s what YOU do when he pisses you off. Pretend you’re the alpha cat and think of ways to make sure the sub-omegaloid cats know their place.
If they’re by our legs & feet and its a cold winter’s night/morning out, its not so bad. If they try to walk over our heads, I’ve learned that they want something i.e. “feed me Now!” Now, I’ve squirted 'em, and that seems to work. Except when they’re Really bad.
(Some Saturday mornings, at Un-Ogly hours that most Dopers sleep through, I’ve had one cat clink the venetian blinds with his paw while looking straight at me in bed. I move my hand towards the spray bottle on the night-stand. He stops. My hand stops. His paw twitches. He looks at me. I look a him. he looks at the spray bottle. I look at the venetian blinds. And suddenly, in my head, I hear the theme music from ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’… )
The ‘furry shot-put’ approach feels good, but trust me, they always come back. A friend said I should steal one of the kids remote control cars and chase the fur-buckets out of the room with it, but I’ve never done it.
It’s important for you to get your sleep. As long as the basement is comfortable, they should be fine there at night, and as someone else mentioned, if you feed them at bedtime, they’ll be more open to it.
Just be aware that you might have to put up a gate at the bottom of the stairs like I did, since we could hear the cat howling all the way up on the 2nd floor.
you don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, FUCK OFF FUUUUCK OOOOFF … you don’t exist, you don’t exist, you don’t exist
… Not really sure how that’s supposed to help, really. 
You have no imagination. Thousands of way to eliminate the problems.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I hate cats.
What is this sleep you speak of?
I don’t have the problem now because the cats don’t have access to the bedroom, but in the old house I got used to being walked on. It just takes a little time. Take a melatonin at bedtime.
Then why bother to click on cat threads? I mean - it clearly says cat in the title.
I’m at the point now that I just don’t sleep well unless my wittle fuzzywuzzypuffawumpwumps are curled, draped, and sprawled all over me.
“Where’s Momma’s wittle fuzzyface babies? Dere day are! Yes day are!”
Ahem. Excuse me.
Nuke them into suborbit?
>only gets the ass in her face
It’s called “getting the asterisk”, a reference to the punctuation mark underneath the tail.
I’ve foud the solution, I just have to hope it doesn’t backfire on me. I took a long shallow storage bin (the type that you can slide under the bed) and put it in front of the door. I then filled it with about an inch of water. I call it my kitty moat. I made it through the whole night without any scratching or pounding on the door. I have a bathroom in my bedroom, so I don’t have to worry about forgetting the moat in the middle 0f the night and getting wet feet. Also, in the morning, I’m already showered and dressed before I leave my bedroom, so hopefully I’m awake enough to remember the moat. This morning, I put the lid on the bin and slid it down the hall and out of the way. Hopefully, in a few months, the cats will stop trying to get into the bedroom at night and I can quit using the moat.
Brilliant notion - please let us know how that works out for you!
Just an update, the moat has been working great. I’ve slept completely through the last three nights. The cats don’t even bother meowing at night. It takes very little effort to move and replace the moat and it is very much worth it to me. I wonder if the moat will have to be a permenant thing or if I can eventually stop using it without the cats bothering me.
I predict your cats developing a liking for water or figuring out how to flip the box.
This is why I crate trained my cat. Cute fuzzy kitten-face gets to sleep in my bed but squirming, playing, walking on me, or otherwise waking me up kitten-face gets escorted by the scruff of the neck to the carrier and uncerimoniously shoved in. I should note that scruff of the neck is only for small cats. She has actually learned that if she wakes up before me, she is to quietly exit the room and play in other parts of the house or quietly watch the wildlife out the windows. Likewise, if she is feeling squirmy, she has learned to sleep under the bed. I started this when she was a kitten, though, and after 5 years, I still occasionally wake up to her favorite game of testing gravity by pushing coins and chapsticks and nail polish bottles off the bedside table. She goes into her carrier, I go back to bed. Most of the time, if she wakes me up, she puts herself in her carrier and I just follow her and close the door. I should also note that the carrier should not be in the bedroom so the door rattling and pitiful meowing don’t wake you up again.
I have three cats. Two of them are fine at night and don’t really want to have anything to do with me. If my door is closed they just don’t come in.
Elvin however is much like your Art. A big pain in the ass. He wanted to be in the room with us but just like your cat would walk on my head in the middle of the night which I didn’t like much.
So we keep the door closed and Elvin would claw mercilessly at the door (at times it sounded like he was slamming his 17 lb body at the door). He mostly did this in the morning when he thought he should be fed so I stopped feeding him. OK, I didn’t stop feeding him he always had kibble but he was getting a couple spoonsful of the canned cat food in the morning. More of a treat than nutrition so I stopped that but it did not stop him from waking me up an hour or two before the alarm every morning.
It was awful. So I got out the squirt bottle.
Every time Elvin woke me up I’d open my bedroom door and squirt him with the water. I have the squirt bottle on “stream” and it would shoot a 10 ft stream of water so I could drench him on the run.
Eventually he got hip to that gig and started hiding when my door opened. No matter, I left the room, found him and squirted the little f*cker. Some days I had to chase him around the house to squirt him but I never failed to deliver on the squirting if he woke me up.
It took a long, long time (probably about 2 months maybe more) and much frustration but he doesn’t wake me up anymore. I can’t really remember the last time he clawed at the door at night :knock wood:.
Try it and regain your life and your sleep.
That’ll teach me not to preview. good idea bout the moat. I’m glad it’s working for you. Wish I would have thought of it when I was having my cat issues.
Beautifully done! I keep thinking I’m over it, but then I start giggling again.
The moat worked for almost a week. A couple of nights ago I wake up to hear scratching at the door again. I opened the door there was Art’s fat ass parked right in the middle of the moat. 
:mad:
Not only is the moat not working anymore, but now if I leave it up, I get wet paw and ass prints all over the house.
They’re my fiance’s cats, so I’m letting her deal with it now. I’ve resigned to just putting in ear plugs every night and ignoring them.
If anyone has any more ideas, I’m open for suggestions again.
Wow, this thread has made me realize that I hit the cat jackpot. After not having one for years (and the last one slept elsewhere in the house), this kitten I found in June is decent. He sleeps on the bed, but mostly in one spot without squirming. He may get up once or twice in the night, but he’s always in the same place in the morning. A few mornings of getting tossed off seems to have cured him of early-rising (but I get up early anyway) and I’ve never caught him walking across my head.
For an evil being, I guess he’s a good one.