# How do I avoid comparing kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 19, 2011, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741 "2011-12-19T15:13:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/41 "2011-12-20T14:36:35Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > Oh, but I hope they play fairly, because the last time I remember the boy pushing my daughter around, taking her toys, etc, without any resistance from my daughter. OK, I will try not to let that bother me either :rolleyes: I agree that this has nothing really to do with the other thing. At age 2, children tend to still be in the “parallel play” stage, in which they will play _next to_ other children, but aren’t really playing _with_ them. And so it does not occur to them that simply taking a toy they want from another child might not be OK. Parental intervention is required, in the form of distracting one kid or another with a different/better toy, or gently saying, “Jenny is playing with this toy right now so let’s give it back to her, but let’s find something fun for you too,” or whatever. I mean, you might get a tantrum, but my point is, you don’t have to just let another kid grab your kid’s toys. 2 is really too young to grok the concept of sharing or playing nice or whatever. Go ahead and step in if you need to. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/42 "2011-12-21T02:14:12Z")
Very seriously, and I know this can come off as trite, but our job as parents is to help our kids find their way to be the best person they can be. That does not mean better or worse than anyone else or the best person we’d want to be. If the seed we got is for a daisy we can help it become the best daisy it can be, but no matter what we do we won’t make it into a rose. And we’d better learn to appreciate daisies. My proudest moment as a parent was when the school had the middle school come in to introduce the program to we soon to be parents of middle schoolers - many parents we concerned over how the middle school would challenge their “gifted” children. I got up and asked what the programming was for a kid like mine, who was not gifted, and needed some help with his organizational skills. (And they helped him nicely; he turned out to be a wonderful and successful adult!) By the way, personal opinion: at this age that counting laughs is also the best way to optimize development. Kids, like we adults, most often enjoy most that which is right at the edge of their abilities. Too easy and they are bored; too hard and they are frustrated; just right and they have fun. Help your child have fun and you are helping them develop optimally. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/43 "2011-12-21T03:00:41Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > I guess that wouldn’t be such a problem except that my daughter seems to be behind her cousin in all the developmental steps. > … > So I was hoping that Dopers might have a bit of parental wisdom to share. Please don’t flame me. As I said, I am very aware of the damage any perceived disappointment could have on my daughter and I am committed to keep this away from her. That’s why I could use the advice on how to deal with these thoughts constructively. > > thanks Find another set of developmental steps. Watch her closely and take notice of what she is better at. I think we’ve handled the language issue - trilingual beats motor-mouth. Gross motor-skills, I don’t know - maybe she has better fine motor skills? In addition to soothing your ravaged ego, it will re-enforce the concept that she is more than an extension of you, as others have pointed out. That was mean of me, wasn’t it? I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/44 "2011-12-21T19:25:30Z")
What everybody else said. Kids vary wildly,especially that young, and comparison at this age is a fool’s game. Doctors are usually pretty proactive about developmental delays these days, so if your doctor says she’s normal she is NOWHERE the bottom of the heap. Take a chill pill. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/45 "2011-12-21T19:33:48Z")
Ouch, the “kid pushing around my kid” hit a nerve! Momma used to tell this story: I have a cousin about six weeks older than me. She’s one of those skinny, lanky, agile people. I’ve always been the roly-poly type. Still am. She walked at nine months, probably, I didn’t walk until I was a year old. And by the time I stood up, I was STILL roly-poly, and unsteady on my feet. Miss Agile loved to come poke me with a finger so I’d lose my balance and fall on my fat, roly-poly butt, and she’d laugh and say, “Upsy-Daisy!” Everyone except my mother thought this was hilarious. Six-week-older cousin was praised to the skies for EVERYTHING she did, and I was the outsider. Momma got her version of “Upsy-Daisy” when Cousin and I were about four, maybe five. We were all going somewhere in the car, with the Grandparent driving. At a stoplight, the Grandparent says to Cousin, “Miss Agile, what color is the traffic signal now?” Miss Agile says, “Green!” Praises across the board from everyone. “Oh, isn’t Miss Agile so SMART! She knows her COLORS. Yay, Miss Agile! The best kid in the world!” Momma is sitting next to me, seething. She turns to me, and says, “VOW, spell green.” I pipe up, “G-R-E-E-N.” Utter silence. Don’t worry about your kid. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/46 "2011-12-21T20:05:12Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > I have a cousin about six weeks older than me. She’s one of those skinny, lanky, agile people. I’ve always been the roly-poly type. Still am. She walked at nine months, probably, I didn’t walk until I was a year old. And by the time I stood up, I was STILL roly-poly, and unsteady on my feet. Miss Agile loved to come poke me with a finger so I’d lose my balance and fall on my fat, roly-poly butt, and she’d laugh and say, “Upsy-Daisy!” Um… dear **VOW** it appears that we’re related and, in retrospect, I am very sorry I did that. A lot of times. (not really but in my family story I am the one pushing my similar-in-age cousin over for my own amusement. Different from the above, I was told numerous times to stop and also punished… didn’t really stop me) ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/47 "2011-12-21T20:27:18Z")
To Hello Again: Actually, I have not been in touch with Miss Agile in a hundred years. I wish you WERE my cousin so we could keep in contact! ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/48 "2011-12-21T20:43:09Z")
Heh, I had red hair when I was a kid. I mean, not a dull maroon, but maybe a bright auburn. NO ONE had red hair in my entire family, and when I met my cousin, who was about 2 months older than me, she used to think I was a dolly and try to lift me by my hair. OW! After I was brought to the States, I didn’t see her again for years. I met her again when we were both fifteen, and this time she was painfully shy - would hardly even come out of the back room! ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/49 "2011-12-21T21:07:44Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > The cousin crawled first (he at 10 months, she at 11), he walked first (he at 12 months, she at 16), and he is speaking much more (he apparently uses 100 words now, and she maybe 20). And I expect he is also ahead in other areas, eating skills, playing etc…. 1. Teach your daughter how to point. 2. Teach her how to say “Nerd” (in however many languages you’d like). 3. Profit! ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741/50 "2011-12-21T23:26:39Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > 1. Teach your daughter how to point. > > 2. Teach her how to say “Nerd” (in however many languages you’d like). > > 3. Profit! Okay, that made me laugh! Comparisons and competitiveness are a normal part of the human condition. It sounds like the OP is well aware of the harm that an overly achievement-oriented parent can do, is aware of his own tendencies, and is taking steps to mitigate them. Should be fine. Enjoy the time with family. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-avoid-comparing-kids/606741.md?page=2)