# How do I convince my husband’s conservative family that I am not Mrs. His Name? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2006, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193 "2006-03-20T20:48:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/41 "2006-03-21T23:53:04Z")
Let it go. I don’t have the same last name as my husband. I’ve never signed anything using his last name, never filled out a form with it, never introduced myself with it. Not at work, my kids’ school’s, social organizations or magazine subscriptions. Invitations, cards etc to both of us all come “Mr& Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname”. Unless it’s addressed to " The Hislastname Family " My family sends an invitation to me , half the time it’s “Myfirstname Mylastname” and the rest it’s “Myfirstname Hislastname”. I’m just happy they’re inviting me , sending a card, etc. It’s not worth getting upset about. Either they’re doing it to annoy you, (in which case you’re giving them what they want) or they’re old and set in their ways, or they might not be able to keep it straight. Right now my mother can keep her daughter’s names straight. But there was a while there when it was difficult. One sister was married and used her husband’s last name, I was married and never used his last name and the last sister was divorced and still used her ex-husband’s last name. Then there’s my brother’s wife who hyphenated the name of the child born before they got married, changed her name when they got married, and didn’t hyphenate the two younger kids’ names. That’s just my siblings. There are plenty of other variations- only use husband’s (or ex-husband’s) name for kid activities, only use own name for work. I once knew someone who used three- ex-husband’s for kid things, her own at work , 2nd husband’s socially. Can be difficult to keep straight when you’re only sending cards a couple of times a year. And you’ve just made it more confusing. It would never in a million years occur to most people over the age of 40 that someone who _changed her her last name to her husband’s_ would also believe that addressing something to **Mr. and Mrs. BirdMan Lastname** has anything to do with the wife being absorbed into her husband’s identity. The two don’t normally go together. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/42 "2006-03-22T00:09:21Z")
Wow. The first time my own grandmother ever sent me a letter with “Mrs. Hisname Lastname”, I had a fit of the giggles. She adores me, she adores my husband, and she’s always been one of the first people to tell me to stick up for who I am, do what feels right to me, be my own person, don’t let anyone push you around and tell you you’re something you’re not. I adore her right back. And I have no problem with her traditional addressing style. I showed it off to my husband the first time, jokingly saying, “Look, I think this is for you! …did you get a sex change and tell everyone except me?” 😛 My name, in whatever form you care to frame it, doesn’t define me. My actions define me. I think knowing who you are should be enough, there should be no reason to force people to “recognise!” Unless… well, unless _that_ defines you somehow. Enough about me. 😉 I’d say: Let it go. (is there an echo in here?) As long as it gets in the right mailbox, who cares? ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/43 "2006-03-22T00:26:01Z")
> [@McNew](#): > > I suggest responding with a note, thanking them for their recent letter, blah blah, etc., and signing it Sincerely, Jane Smith and John Doe. It would also help if your return address sticker was written the same way, or however you prefer it. > > Don’t expect a switch to occur immediately, but I suspect after receiving a few letters like that, they’ll get the point. Your suspicions are on the generous side. My in-laws, after 8 years of marriage which followed 5 or 6 years of living together, still don’t spell _my first name_ correctly. Neither I nor my spouse have ever spelled my name the way they (mis)spell it on any piece of correspondence, ever. But, rather than look at the way I sign my name, or the way he spells my name, or the way my name is spelled on our return address labels or anything else we send, they spell they way they apparently _think_ I should be spelling it. :rolleyes: Never assume anyone will get a hint. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/44 "2006-03-22T01:41:19Z")
> [@](#): > > But, rather than look at the way I sign my name, or the way he spells my name, or the way my name is spelled on our return address labels or anything else we send, they spell they way they apparently think I should be spelling it. Maybe they are just clueless. I’ve been married for 20 years, and my mother-in-law still doesn’t spell my name correctly. Not ever. My given name is 'Tammy" – but Mom _always_ spells it ‘Tammie." Admittedly, our formal return address labels say "Mr. & Mrs. Kevin Lastname,’ but our informal labels read ‘Kevin & Tammy Lastname.’ And I’ve hand signed (with my perfectly legible handwriting) every birthday card, anniversary card, Christmas card, and letter with ‘Tammy.’ But _still_ she uses ‘Tammie.’ \ You know what else? She misspells my daughter’s (her granddaughter’s) name too. My daughter is 18, BTW – she goes by ‘Doe’ now but her given name is ‘Dorothy’ and her childhood nickname was ‘Dori.’ But Mom spells it ‘Dorrie.’ Despite my using ‘Dori’ on every birthday, Christmas and anniversary card, and Doe herself using it on 18 years worth of thank you notes. I really don’t think she means anything by it – she’s just remarkably clueless and pretty dim. It pisses my husband off more than it does me. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/45 "2006-03-22T02:17:05Z")
I got the last two posters beat…after 16 years of marriage and three years dating and now ten years of divorce, my ex-husband **still** can’t spell my name right. Oh, he gets the diminutive that I use every day right, even though it has an not-so-common spelling. But my formal first name, easy to spell, 5 letters…he gets wrong. Since the everyday variation has two b’s in the middle, his dyslexic brain (not an insult, actual fact) thinks there should be two b’s in the formal name also…but there is only one. And my parents picked that spelling because it was one my dyslexic dad could remember, and spell right…go figure! Wish the OP would return to this thread now that we’ve almost unanimously voted for her to chill… ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/46 "2006-03-22T03:24:20Z")
I can’t believe all the people saying, “Let it go.” If your in-laws care about you, they will call what you wish to be called. Of course, it is up to you to tell them what you wish to be called. You should not be confrontational, just ask them to address notes to “Hisfirst and Herfirst Lastname” and letters to “Mrs and Mrs Lastname.” And yes, it’s your husband who should ask them to do this, since they’re his parents. If he won’t or can’t, you’ll have to drop it. But his parents probably aren’t going to mind. The alternatives I gave here are perfectly proper. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/47 "2006-03-22T04:03:53Z")
> [@Jess](#): > > Maybe they are just clueless. I’ve been married for 20 years, and my mother-in-law still doesn’t spell my name correctly. Not ever. My given name is 'Tammy" – but Mom _always_ spells it 'Tammie." To hijack a bit…a good mnemonic for this is to tell her “It is spelled T-A-M-M- **Y**. Why? Because we like her!” Spelling out M-O-U-S-E after is optional. 😃 I heard this from a friend who’s spelling could go either way, and have never gotten it wrong since. As for me I’m a traditionalist. I like being Mrs. Bootsnaddle Grimshitz instead of being Mrs. Whangdillia Grimshitz, which would indeed make it look as if I am divorced. I think, as someone said up-thread, if this is the worst of your inlaw problems you should be so lucky. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/48 "2006-03-22T04:04:23Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Reminds me of a woman I knew whos MIL would introduce her to people as ‘My sons first wife’, while they were still married. I’d say you have it pretty good here. Now\*\* _that’s_\*\* priceless. 😃 I’m with the _Stop Stressing Over Insignificant Things_ crowd btw. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/49 "2006-03-22T15:59:16Z")
My mother-in-law was a dear, sweet kind woman. She, however, addressed every note, card or check to her daughter using her maiden name. She addressed every note, card or check to the family using Mr. and Mrs. his firstname their lastname. After some initial irritation, I decided it was a quirky, charming trait. Contrast that with a friend’s mother-in-law, who consistently addressed her son’s wife as “Cindy.” Nothing wrong with that, except her actual name was “Christy.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/50 "2006-03-22T20:42:09Z")
Thanks to those of you who have given helpful suggestions! We decided **BirdMan** should let them know _our_ preference. If they still don’t go along with it we will drop it. It’s not **BirdMan** ’s mom who is doing this, she recognized right away I was not going to be a **Mrs. BirdMan Lastname** , it’s all her sisters and brothers. It’s annoying, but I guess we may just have to live with it. By the way, for all of you who seem to think I have nothing better to complain about—I have plenty in my life to worry about, most of it I can’t control. Just because I don’t post all my worries about money, family, and work doesn’t mean they don’t exist. All I was trying to do here was improve one little thing in my life and see if maybe I could control some part of my troubles. Then again, if the worst thing that happens in my day is that a couple anonymous people on a message board condescend to me, we should all be so lucky. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/51 "2006-03-23T04:18:13Z")
> [@Jess](#): > > You know what else? She misspells my daughter’s (her granddaughter’s) name too. My daughter is 18, BTW – she goes by ‘Doe’ now but her given name is ‘Dorothy’ and her childhood nickname was ‘Dori.’ But Mom spells it ‘Dorrie.’ Despite my using ‘Dori’ on every birthday, Christmas and anniversary card, and Doe herself using it on 18 years worth of thank you notes. Sorry for the total hijack - but you’re the first other parent of a Dorothy that’s I’ve met (mine is two). Was yours a family name (it was the name of both my and my husband’s grandmothers)? I’d never thought of “Doe” as a nickname for Dorothy, but it’s kind of cute. We thought we would use Dory, but have pretty much just called her Dorothy so far. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/52 "2006-03-23T05:04:33Z")
Yes, it is a family name of sorts. It is my mother’s middle name, and my huband’s mother’s middle name. We didn’t actually plan to use it as her first name – we were planning on using ‘Dorothy’ as her middle name. But we hadn’t found a first name we liked when she was born (3 months early). Just the night before I went into labor with her, we had been looking at a baby name book and read that ‘Dorothy’ means "Gift from God.’ I’m an atheist, but my husband is Christian and this apparently resonated with him. When I woke up after she was born (emergency c-section), my husband asked that we use ‘Dorothy’ as her first name because he felt that she truly was a gift from God. He had it all planned out – that we would call her Dori as a nickname. I was cool with that, since she was pretty sick and it clearly made Kevin feel better. And I’ve always liked the name anyway. As it turned out, finding a middle name that went well with Dorothy was a lot easier than finding a first name that went well – we named her Dorothy Rose, which I still think is a beautiful name. As for ‘Doe’ – she coined that herself when she was in the 6th grade and has used it ever since. Her dad and I, and her brother and grandparents so still often call her Dori, though, and probably always will. Thanks for telling me about your Dorothy, **ENugent** – you’re right, it’s far from a common name nowadays. I have only met one other kid Doe’s age or younger who was called Dorothy. Our son’s name is Nicholas, which I love, but which is _much_ commoner – you can’t hardly spit without hitting a Nicholas! ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/53 "2006-03-23T05:11:40Z")
[QUOTE=Twiddle] To hijack a bit…a good mnemonic for this is to tell her “It is spelled T-A-M-M- **Y**. Why? Because we like her!” Spelling out M-O-U-S-E after is optional. 😃 I heard this from a friend who’s spelling could go either way, and have never gotten it wrong since.{/quote]That’s very cute – if I minded her getting it wrong, I would use that. But I don’t really mind. She’s a terrible speller anyway – entirely capable of mispelling the same word three different ways in a one page letter. Why should my name be any different? ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/54 "2006-03-23T07:20:10Z")
**Little Bird** , I understand that this is important to you and why. May I suggest that each time that you receive a card or letter addressed to **Mr. and Mrs. Birdman Lastname** , you write a newsy little note in return thanking that person for the card, gift, or letter and catching her or him up on the latest news. Add a note at the bottom that the two of you prefer to have your letters addressed to **Birdman and Little Bird Lastname** in all correspondence and that you hope they won’t mind making that little change. If they continue to make the _mistake_, continue to send a note with the latest news and the correction. If after three or four notes they still don’t “get it,” ask the person face to face very politely to make the change. If the problem **still** continues, ask the person why she or he won’t accomodate your wishes. (Do this with your husband if this is his family.) If a change is **STILL** not forthcoming, the letter should be returned with the message “Not deliverable as addressed. Correction requested.” It is reasonable that you be _polite_ but firm. Only you can choose what is important to you and what is not. Language affects how we think and how we think affects our actions. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2006, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193/55 "2006-03-23T12:50:27Z")
I’ve said this before. I’ve been married ten years. I kept my maiden name. I really don’t care when mail gets addressed to Dangerosa Hislastname - especially from his relatives (I have girlfriends that changed and girlfriends who didn’t, and it is hard to keep them straight - and these are my beloved girlfriends). And Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname I find amusing. I also find amusing that MY parents use Dangerosa Hislastname - or did until I finally kidded them into changing about two years ago. With "did you forget how to spell “Ourlastname” - I’d think that would be hard to forget. It took eight years of teasing and kidding, but now, more often than not, they use my last name. My mother describes it as a binary thing. The moment the wedding happened, she switched last names for me, even if I didn’t. And it takes effort for her to do any different. She doesn’t mean to offend, its just such an uncommon construct for her that she has a hard time remembering. (She is a little flaky sometimes). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-convince-my-husband-s-conservative-family-that-i-am-not-mrs-his-name/349193.md?page=2)