# How do I encourage my future mother in law to not give into her kids' snack and junk food demands? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 26, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936 "2010-03-26T20:29:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/61 "2010-03-27T17:18:07Z")
If they are not receptive to you (which is likely, simply because most of us are not receptive to change from the outside) then I agree with what other people say: persisting will simply bring resentment. I know how much I hate it when someone gently drip… drip… drip… feeds me criticism, especially if I know they may have a point, but that i don’t have time to turn my life upsidedown. You don’t have the power or the right to insist, so constantly whining about it wouldn’t help. But on the other and, we don’t yet know they AREN’T receptive. Your SO is apparently happy, can you ask his advice? If you have an in-law over for diner, ask for help in the kitchen and show them how you cook. Make specific, non-judgemental comments if they seem appropriate, like, if they ask why you don’t drink soda, say you find it unhealthy, but without implying what THEY do. Be prepared to drop it, but I think it ok to ask what you can do. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/62 "2010-03-27T17:30:38Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > God you’re a peach. You must be a blast to have at parties. > > Anyhoo - just to make Princess CrabbyPants happy, I’ve started a new thread here: > > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=12273496#post12273496](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=12273496#post12273496) > (\*Note - this _MAY_ be a recipe thread…) Mmm… you’re a real nice gal, too, sweetie. I did recognize after the edit window that, yeah, I should’ve just reported the hijack instead of mini-modding, and I would’ve apologized, but now you can suck it. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/63 "2010-03-27T17:43:50Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Mmm… you’re a real nice gal, too, sweetie. . Actually, I’m delightful. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/64 "2010-03-27T17:48:01Z")
I guess if you like over-reactors, drama queens, and gratuitous insults, you are. Isn’t she lovely? ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/65 "2010-03-27T18:33:36Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Sure, as opposed to the Fast Food diet, Veg is great. The mediterannian diet is fairly common, not as common as vegetarian, of course. > > It’s also possible to eat a terrible Vegetarian diet- one with scads of macadamia nuts is bad too. > > There is no source of vitamin B-12 in vegetables. You either need to eat animal products or take supplements. Maybe he was anti-pill and thus had a B12 shortage. Your third paragraph has nothing to do with the first two. It is incorrect to equate vegetarianism with veganism. They are not the same and the terms should not be used interchangeably. In any case, you can purchase vegan products that are [fortified with B12](http://www.veganhealth.org/b12/vegansources). As to the OP, I agree that your best course of action is to model the behavior you wish to encourage in the children at every available opportunity. Make good nutritional choices for yourself and, _when asked_, share your reasoning for doing so. It’s okay to dictate nutritional choices you provide in your own home (fwiw, I don’t typically have soda in my home, but allow it on occasion as a treat), but it’s not okay to lecture another parent on their choices. It’s fair to be concerned for the children’s welfare, but if told to MYOB, then MYOB. If you don’t, you are only asking for trouble down the road. Realistically. In any case, feeding a kid nothing but crap that results in obesity, childhood diabetes, and eventual heart disease and death, is as much a form of malnutrition as feeding them so little calories they are underweight. Malnutrition is not just about sustaining life, it’s about sustaining health. We, in America, are at the extreme other end of the spectrum of what we usually associate with malnutrition. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2010, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/66 "2010-03-27T23:16:10Z")
\ Alice[sup]2[/sup] - both of you stop your bitching right now. This isn’t the place for it. \ ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/67 "2010-03-28T00:11:39Z")
> [@Rico](#): > > \ > > Alice[sup]2[/sup] - both of you stop your bitching right now. This isn’t the place for it. > > \ So sorry. BTW - dude, you totally cribbed your description from Manhattan!! What’s up with that? ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/68 "2010-03-28T07:13:01Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > BTW - dude, you totally cribbed your description from Manhattan!! What’s up with that? Hey - someone had to keep the **manhattan** legend alive here. Since I ascended to Mod-dom about the time he left, I felt is was not only my right, but my responsibility as well. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/69 "2010-03-28T11:31:19Z")
I have a similar situation where one of my dearest friends, also a nurse, allows her children to eat whatever and whenever they want. The kids can polish off a large pizza by themselves. And then at midnight they’ll come in looking for a “snack.” Her son drinks soda by the 2-liter. Both are obese. What do I do? Mainly nothing. It isn’t my place. On the occasion that she has brought it up (e.g. she confided that her son was crying about how he’d never get a girlfriend because he was so fat), I’ll say something like, “Well, they can’t eat it if it’s not in the house.” And then I let it be. They’re both intelligent people and it’s their house. So my vote, like everyone else, is to lead by example, offer advice only when asked, and MYOB. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/70 "2010-03-28T21:33:59Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’m not usually one to defend this particular poster, but the only way you can ask this in good faith is if you didn’t read the thread. > … > > Some of you really need to take your own advice and MYOB. You can’t make the OP take your advice. Nor can you make her respond favorably to it. > > So, even with the advice to only concern yourself when they are under your care, you’re still going to run into social problems. \ And I’m not one to defend you, but in many parts, you’re spot on. **Sleeps** clearly didn’t read the thread - neither did some others. One person actually criticized me then called her my mother in law _when in the title it says future_ and later it refers to her as Lisa. So we have people not even reading the thread - it’s not a six pager, people! The last part is the part I sorely forgot when posting the OP. The SDMB can be wonderful on weight issues - like the monthly Weight Loss Thread - but by and large, any weight or diet (as in “how one eats in general” threads) thread - even when not soliciting an “overall” opinion - gets totally and utterly derailed by people. **Shade** , I’ve tried to enlist my SO - actually, he tried to enlist me first. He’s pretty severe, and wants them to totally overhaul their diet (I mean, do too, but the little steps so far have been working, at least in part). As of late he’s let it go, so I guess I’ll ask (now that his furor has died down) if he knows how to suggest things to his mom without putting her off, or if it’s better to do the “when I make dinner/watch them” route exclusively. As for the girls, they are receptive to many (but not all) food changes - they think I’m funny, and if I let them do my nails or watch a Build A Bear play they put on, they trust me and want to emulate me (from my diet to my clothes). As a matter of fact, tonight (in an hour) I’ll be making dinner for everyone, which seems to happen more in the summer for some reason. We’ll see how it goes! ETA: > [@PunditLisa](#): > > I have a similar situation where one of my dearest friends, also a nurse, allows her children to eat whatever and whenever they want. The kids can polish off a large pizza by themselves. And then at midnight they’ll come in looking for a “snack.” Her son drinks soda by the 2-liter. Both are obese. If I let my mind run wild, this will happen to the girls, esp the 12 year old. But I’m hoping not. > [@Maeglin](#): > > Personally, I think that the unsolicited correction of other peoples’ children is a job much better left to the government. This made me laugh. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/71 "2010-03-28T22:01:54Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > She who rules the house makes the rules. > > If _asked_ you may venture your opinion, but you can not force change in another’s household. The only household you can control is yours. > > When the girls come to your house it’s your rules. Serve them the food you think healthy. (Clearly, they are willing to try it). You are, of course, welcome to invite them frequently. You will at least let them know there are choices and alternatives out there. > > But do not interfere with another household - unless you don’t mind the same in return. This is probably the best phrased advice on here. Especially the last sentence. She’s your future mother in law. You don’t want her holding a grudge or vendetta against you _for the rest of her life_. The only time I would possibly bring this up is when you have your own kids and they’re old enough to feed themselves. I wouldn’t subject my own kids to this kind of diet; therefore, don’t let your kids eat more than a meal or two at your MIL’s house. If she asks why you never let her take the kids for a week or whatever, let her know that you don’t approve of the nutritional choices she makes for her household and you know your kids won’t eat healthy meals while there. If your SILs end up obese and unhealthy (I assume it’ll be a few more years before you have kids with your SO old enough to be in this situation.), you’ll know have backing that her choices lead to obesity. You have to look out for their needs before hers or your SIL’s. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/72 "2010-03-28T22:05:25Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’m not usually one to defend this particular poster, but the only way you can ask this in good faith is if you didn’t read the thread. > > She has made it quite clear that the question is not “Should I get involved?” but “HOW should I get involved?” Everyone who responded to the former question after she made this clear is doing so with the clear idea that such a response will insult her. Thus they should be expected to be insulted back, especially with someone like the OP who had made it clear that she has no problem responding in that manner. > > Some of you really need to take your own advice and MYOB. You can’t make the OP take your advice. Nor can you make her respond favorably to it. I respectfully disagree. She may have worded it “how do I discourage my mother in law …” but let’s look at some of her questions: > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Do I keep slowly intervening? I do worry about our relationship down the road… This is specifically asking if she should do it or not and expresses her concern that continuing to do so could strain her relationship with her mother in law. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > **I don’t want to strain our relationship, but at the same time, I know it’s so much easier to grow up with a healthy diet.** I do feel like I’d be doing the kids a huge disservice if I butted out completely. In other ways, she seeks out my help - like with the acne and hair of the 13 year old (who has similar skin and hair to mine). > > **Thoughts?** Bolding mine. Again she considers the possibility of difficulties in the relationship and then asks the open ended question “thoughts?” To you this might be the OP asking only for advice on HOW to continue, but she very clearly asks for more than that. She is also asking about the entire situation which would include _if_ she should continue. That’s what she wrote so I’m sorry, but I disagree. To get angry at honest responses (some polite, some not so much) enough to point by point and quote by quote go back an be insulting to people who bothered to read and respond to your dilemma is pretty rude. I asked her a simple question only to be met with her trying to take shots at my recent retarded suspension. I don’t think anyone should be insulting her age or stretching this to “how nice it must be to be so smart that blah blah blah” but clearly the suggestions of “stay out of it” aren’t too terribly out of the realm of acceptable if the OP herself at least twice questions the idea of it in her own opening. I just don’t see why someone posts in IMHO if they are going to get that offended and upset by viewpoints that differ from what they _want_ to do. I am a big believer in education when it comes to food and health, but some people are really touchy about eating issues. Mix that with getting this advice from a future in-law and you could be setting yourself up for some hard feelings. Choosing to serve healthy food when the siblings are visiting is a great thing and I would absolutely keep doing that, but to offer unsolicited advice to the mother on how to feed her children is something I think could be dangerous. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2010, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/73 "2010-03-29T03:29:28Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > This made me laugh. 😃 That was a test of the emergency broadcasting humor system. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936/74 "2010-03-30T00:42:52Z")
You encourage her the same way you’d want her encouraging you to make whatever parenting/household decision she thought you were WRONG! ALL WRONG! about, because if you interfere with she runs her home, she’s going to feel free to interfere in yours to roughly the same extent and to take a similar tone. Sauce for the goose, and all that. I prefer that my mil sit the hell down and STFU, and it’s certainly a popular sentiment, but mileage does vary. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-encourage-my-future-mother-in-law-to-not-give-into-her-kids-snack-and-junk-food-demands/533936.md?page=3)